Thursday, November 5, 2009

Feeling the changes i'm going through


I'm tired.

That's really all I wanted to say. I just want to live a life where i'm not thinking, thinking, thinking. I try to keep pushing but this shit is hard. Life is hard. Living is work. Loving is hectic.

I love my husband to death but he is driving me crazy. He's getting on my last damned nerve. The thing that drives me the craziest is his financial irresponsibility. I have things that goals that i'm trying to achieve and he lives in the moment. He talks about the future but makes no effort to plan for it. It's so fucking annoying!

It's to the point where I have to really sit down and decide if I want to continue to be with someone I love that may not allow me to have a better future. He's always saying, "One day at a time," but i'm not sure he realizes that you cannot always live your life that way.

His attitude is so stink that I don't want to talk to him at times. Deep down I think he is unhappy with himself. There are so many issues that he needs to resolve. We started chipping away at his layers when we were in therapy and I saw a big change in him. Lately i've noticed that he has gone back to the angry man he was years ago. I'm not crazy about that man. He's not the one I fell in love with. The one I fell in love with was loving and supportive.

I have a business idea that I have been trying to get off the ground. My husband has always been very supportive. He helps in every way he can. I definitely appreciate that. He never has a problem with being there for me and trying to help me achieve my goal. I have to give him that.

My husband makes a decent living. He has a blue collar job that pays extremely well. That is more than enough for him. He doesn't want anything else. That's fine because his job definitely does a lot for our family. He makes more than I do. The thing is I sometimes wonder how he will feel if my business takes off and makes money and my dollar signs surpass his. I'm not so sure he would be able to handle that. He would never admit it but I think it's true.

I don't want to have a job forever. A career is what I want. I try not to but I despise what I do for a living. I hate sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen. My existence feels empty for the seven hours of the day I am there. I feel like I settled. I've been working at the same place for 14 years. I've moved around but there's really no room for growth. The excellent benefits are what has kept me there. I can hardly take it. Getting up at 5:00 in the morning to do something you can't stand really sucks.

I have decided that I am going to go away on my own for a few days. A friend of mine is going to let me use her timeshare. I need to get away and collect my thoughts. My life and state of mind are in terrible need of improvement. I have to get a game plan together and decide what I want to do with all the things that need to be fixed. I may be a single business woman by the time i'm done. Who knows?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Choices


I've been so busy lately that I hardly have time to breathe. I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately and wanted to update what's been going on with me.

I don't have any contact with my sister. I called her a few weeks ago and we talked. Well, actually I did most of the talking. She didn't have much to say. I'm sure she thinks she is innocent in the situation. At this point I can honestly say I don't give a damn. I'm not living my life according to what others think anymore.

I love my sister and don't want anything to happen to her but she made her opinion of my life and decsions very clear. I'm not harping on anyone's judgment of me. She has done and continues to do a lot of things that I do not agree with but I have never judged her or treated her any differently. I wish her well and don't have time to think about her holding that gavel in her hand.

I'm still not really feeling my husband. We go out and have a good time together but we've had sex once since everything happened in June. I'm not into it. He knows how I get when things are incomplete.

In a perfect world I would be on my own. It's just not financially feasible right now. We just got tagged with a huge IRS bill because the chick that did our taxes totally mislead us on a lot of things. We trusted her and ended up in a big ass jam. I'm so upset. When the uncle we all hate comes knocking you have to answer the door or he will destory your life.....THE BASTARD!

My children are all doing wonderful and my relationship with my daughter is better than ever. I'm so happy about that. We've grown much closer and she is much more involved with the family. Her job situation is great and she's in the process of looking for a place. I think that is a great idea. It's time for her to get out into the world and discover new things.

I've been having a lot of fun and doing things on my own. I make sure to go out at least once a week without my husband. He is no longer the focus of my existence. He has noticed that and I think he is scared. He tries to act like he's happy that I am trying to carve out a new social life for myself but I know that is not 100% true. He's done so much wrong that he doesn't know what i'll let happen. To be honest, I don't either.

The first time I went out with my girlfriend he called my cell phone a few times and I didn't answer. I called him back when I was on my way home and he tried to start an argument with me. I wasn't trying to get into an argument for doing something he does all the time. I told him he was wasting his breath and kept it moving. I've been going strong ever since.

I am finally allowing myself to have a life of choices. I got out when I choose to. I have made the choice not to feed into my husband's childish behavior and have stupid arguments that lead nowhere (he's good for that). If I choose to have sex with him I will. Right now that's not what I want.

Right now I choose to stay with my husband and see how things go. I'm taking life one day at a time and trying to find the me I should have been looking for a long time ago. I'm not going to over think things like I usually do. I refuse to become stressed out. That has always been a big problem for me.

I am determined to enjoy life. I've spent too many years with a wrinkled forehead. I'm letting go of all the old stuff bit by bit and smiling a lot more. My freedom has been imprisoned for too long. I'm setting myself free and living my life like it's golden. I know there will be bumps along the way but if I don't start taking my life back i'll never be free.

I'm taking a short trip with my girlfriends and her sister in a couple weeks and i'm so excited. We're not leaving the country. It's just a short getaway. I'm looking forward to clearing my head and having a good time. I'm choosing to improve the things i've been complaining about and do my best to make the most of my life.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


So, yesterday I told my sister how I felt. She's been acting sort of nasty lately so I emailed her. I didn't feel like having some long drawn out conversation so I did it that way. I know it wasn't the right way to go about it but, to be honest, I don't care anymore. I've decided that i'm just not going to deal with her.

I have a lot going on. I have a 17 year old foster son and I just found out that he is going to be a father. He's been dating his girlfriend since he moved in with us at 15. We really love him. He wants us to adopt him before he turns 18. We haven't done so because he was holding out hope that his mother would get herself together and become a part of his life again. Through therapy and a lot of talking he has come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen.

I got a call from the girl's mother last Saturday morning. He was at work. She wanted to speak to him but since he wasn't available she thought she would tell me in a very light hearted voice that I was going to be a grandmother. My reaction was far from light hearted. I was in shock!

We talk very openly about sex in my home. I want my children to be informed. My son is very upset about the pregnancy. He said he used a condom every time and his girfriend told him she was on the pill. She even showed him the pack. They were having sex when he came to us and my husband and I both sat him down and did the whole birds and bees thing.

The girl and her mother are ecstatic. They think this pregnancy is a wonderful idea. She is 17 and still in the 10th grade. Our son received a full scholarship from Villanova University and was excited about going to college. We're not sure what to do now. He has already accepted. There's a baby on the way now and he has to do his part, but we really want him to get that degree. He's a very smart young man who has had a rough life. He's seen more at 17 than i've seen and i'm over 40.

I don't want his life to have to take such a drastic turn because one condom broke. He is heartbroken because he thinks he's not going to be able to go to school. The girl's mother says she is willing to help in any way she can and my husband and I feel the same. The thing is, he will not be able to spend time with his child if he is away at college.

It's a crazy situation. My son feels like he did everything he was suppose to do. He used protection and was positive that his girlfriend was on the pill. The girl and her mother will not listen to anything he has to say. He feels like he has no say in the situation. I feel for him but told him that was the chance he took when he started having sex.

My husband feels that the girl is being selfish because she is not considering his opinion or his future. I had to explain to him that he has no idea how it feels to have an abortion. Also, this girl has had a pretty tumultuous upbringing. No one has taught her anything about setting goals for the future. All she can see is right now. This is also an opportunity for her to bond with a mother who has not treated her well.

I really want my son to go to school. We will be willing to allow him to come home two weekends a month and take his child to see him when we can. He has a job and instead of buying video games and clothes this summer he is going to have to save for pampers and formula.

My entire family has his back. I love that young man like I had him. I am determined to make sure he has a bright future. We will make this situation work. I do not have time to think about my sister and her foolishness. I want to keep my family together. I don't care what she thinks anymore. I know she loves me but she is allowing her feelings for the man i'm married to to cloud her judgment. All she has to do is be there for me. It's not like I talk to her about what's going on in my life anyway. She just happened to see whatever it is she thinks she saw.

I'm going to be a grandmother. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. A child is always a blessing but I wish my could go away to college with a clear head. The adoption will be final soon and our son will officially be ours. I know how I feel about that. He was so troubled when he came to us. He's a different person now. We are all very proud of the progress he has made. His plans for the future do not have to change. The climb is just going to be a little harder. We will all be there every step of the way helping him get up that hill.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Well, things have been interesting. I've just decided to live my life and not worry about anything. My husband and I are getting along but i'm not in the mood to have sex with him. It's been a few months. That's just not going to happen right now. It doesn't matter that i'm not sure if he did what he's accused of. I'm just not in a place where I want to get intimate.

My relationship with my sister is terrible. I don't appreciate the way she reacted to everything. Just because I didn't do what she thought I should she kind of turned her back on me in judgment. I don't have time for people like that no matter who they are. In her mind, i'm upset with her for telling me what she saw. All that does is prove that she does not know me.

I've never judged my sister. She has done a lot of things that I don't approve of at all but i've tried to be there for her in an open and honest way. The fact that I have not received the same treatment hurts. If you love me you love me. It's not about your hate for my husband. I still don't even know what's going to happen in my marital future. It would be nice to have a sister to discuss it with.

I've been relying a lot on my brother. The two of us haven't always been that close but he's handling the situation like an adult, giving me awesome advice, and not concentrating on what my husband did or did not do. It's all about our relationship. That's all I need. I do not want to be judged, especially by someone who is suppose to have my best interest at heart.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Feeling Much Better!


I have officially decided to let go and let God. I mean it. If I don't take that route i'm going to go crazy.

Things in my home have been amazing. My children are happier than ever, even my daughter. She's the only one home right now. One is away with her Godparents and the rest are with my mother-in-law. We were all having a great time together when they were here.

My children's happiness means a lot to me. They're loving having their father around all the time. After the alleged incident I wasn't sure what to do because I didn't want to take their father away just when they felt like they got him back. It took me a while to realize that I had to do what was right for me. I'm still not exactly sure what that is so i'm going to take it one day at a time.

I'm spending time with my husband but he knows things are not settled yet. I'm just living my life. I've made plans to hang out with friends and have decided to have a me day at least twice a month, if not more. I refuse to spend so much time and energy worrying about what people will think if I stay with my husband or trying to figure out if he lied. I'm just going to live. I really mean it.

I want to enjoy myself and have fun. I've spent a lot of years down in the dumps. I can't do that anymore. It's wonderful to see that my children feel like they can exhale and not worry about mommy and daddy. They all have twinkles in their eyes, even the older ones. I don't know what will happen if I choose to move on without their father but hopefully it won't affect their relationship.

My husband has done a lot of things but I know that he loves his children. He was really under the impression that his cheating did not affect them. After marriage counseling and a lot of talking he knows the truth. He realizes that he has to spend time with all the kids. He may not be able to totally repair the damage he's done to his relationship with the two oldest but they seem to be willing to give him a second chance.

My daughter has really opened up. That makes me so happy. We're spending a lot more time together and she seems so much happier. I make sure I hug and kiss her and tell her I love her every day. She really needs that. I can tell by the way she hugs me. She's my first born. We've been together a long time. I have to make sure she's okay.

Life continues. I'm not going to get left behind anymore. Whatever will be will be.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I can't complain


Considering all that I have on my mind i'd say I'm doing pretty good. I don't know what the future is going to bring but i'm also not worried about it. I'm sick of investigating and trying to figure out what my husband did or didn't do. There's really no way for me to get to the bottom of the situation. I do know that I don't trust some of the people I use to trust and this situation has showed me who a few people really are.

I can't say i'll stay with my husband and I can't say I won't. I do love him and see lots of changes in him. That doesn't mean he didn't do what he's accused of. So what now? I just pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. I'm taking life step by step.

I had dinner with one of my best friends after work Friday. We hadn't seen each other for a very long time. I told her what happened and her advice was to get out of my head and let nature take its course. It felt good to talk to my her. She is one of the people I trust most in the world and her advice is always important to me. We've been through a lot together. She knows my story and I know hers.

I can be totally open with my friend and know that she will not judge me. It felt so good to sit across the table from her and get all the crap off my chest. There aren't many people I can talk to and be completely honest about what is going on in my marriage. I have two best friends and they offer advice and love unconditionally.

My other friend feels that things happen and whether or not my husband did what people are saying he did I should go with my heart. She says I am the only one who can make the decision and what other people say does not matter.

My sister has pulled away from me. I think she's disappointed. She expected this to be the final straw and hoped that I would leave my husband. I can feel her judgment whenever we talk. Things are strained between the two of us. I talked to our brother and he says no one else is in my home or my heart and the decision is mine. He said our sister was on the side of the conversation and doesn't really know what was being said.

It's a big mess. I'm really trying not to think about it but I can't help it. I haven't had sex with my husband in almost two months. I'm just not feeling it right now. There's too much confusion and I can't give myself freely to him right now. I would love to be with him but I just can't do it. Things seem right when we're together but i'm not all the way there. I love spending time with him but i'm scared that I will never be able to trust him. I'm hoping I can get it together one way or another.

I'm not going to complain. There are so many people doing worse than I am. I have my health and people who love me. I know that my main worry is looking like a fool and staying with a man who would try to pick up another woman while i'm standing outside waiting for him. On the other hand, I don't want to end my marriage and blame him for something he did not do.

It's going to work itself out. I can't dwell. I'm finding my footing and trying to get it together. I want to have a life of my own. I'm sure the decision will come when that happens. I need to focus more on myself and less on what my husband did or did not do and what other people think.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Can I Live?


My husband called me at work yesterday and asked if i'd like to go to the movies. It was a nice day and I didn't really want to go home after work, so I told him yes. A little while after I spoke to him my best friend, who I haven't seen in about 18 months, called and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink. I should have gone with her but I decided to go to the movies with my husband. We did, however, decide to meet up one day next week. She's the one person I use to confide in. We drifted apart because her job is very demanding and she moved quite a distance away.

Anyway, my husband picked me up from work and we went to see The Taking of Pelham 123. The seat in the theater had the arm rests that moved up and down. I moved kind of far away from him because I know that he doesn't like to put it down. We usually sit close to one another. The movies is our thing. We always snuggle and eat popcorn when we go.

He grabbed my hand and I cringed. I'm not sure if he noticed. He took my hand and rubbed it on his crotch and laughed, which normally would not have bothered me. We play around like that all the time. I was more bothered when I realized that he is trying to act like everything is okay. I did not move or react and my grip on his hand was very loose. My body language was obvious, but he did not let my hand go.

I'm still not sure what to believe or do. My husband is professing his innocence, my sister is convinced he did something wrong, his cousin is telling me she was there and he didn't do anything out of the ordinary, my head says leave but my heart says stay. The situation is driving me crazy and I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.

My nephew graduated from junior high school the other day and he wants us all to go out to dinner this evening. My husband wants to go but my sister does not want him there. Personally, I think she's being selfish. It's not about her. My nephew loves my husband and will be looking for him. What am I suppose to say when he asks me why his uncle didn't come?

This whole thing is stressing me out so much that I don't know what to do. I just want to live my life without all the drama. I deserve that. I'm thinking about hopping on a bus and going somewhere for the weekend. I need time to myself. I'm tired of being pulled in so many directions. Everyone thinks i'm suppose to listen to them or do what they think I should do. This is my life.

I'm not sure what to believe. My husband has lied in the past, but my sister is not above exaggerating the story. I do know that I am exhausted. It's summertime and I should be having fun. I'm tired. I just want to live...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Father's Day


Had a great day with the family yesterday. It was a family outing we all have been needing for a long time. We were going to go on a boat ride but it was raining so we had to revise our plan. My husband loves video games so the kids suggested we take him to an arcade. We had a great time!

The whole family was there and it was just marvelous. I was even able to stop thinking about my marital woes. My daughter seemed to enjoy herself more than anyone and that made me really happy. She seems a lot happier these days.

I think we played every game in the arcade. My husband and I were running around like kids. At one point I stopped and watched him with our children. It was so cute. I think he was having more fun than they were. We all really enjoyed playing basketball and skee ball against each other. I'm the skee ball master. We must have had a billion tickets by the time we left that arcade. Of course we got a bunch of nothing. A great time was had by all. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in a very long time. It's very rare that we're all together like that. I think every one of us had permanent smiles on our faces.

The kids cooked dinner for their dad when we got home. They would ask me questions from time to time but wouldn't let me help. That was fine with me. Hubby and I watched some of the shows on our DVR while they cooked. He could not stop talking about what a good time he had. He looked like he wanted to cry a few happy tears.

We ate together and watched a movie. I have to say, it was one of the best days we've had as a family in a very long time. Everyone was very happy. It's times like this that make it so hard for me to end my marriage. I know how great things can be. I know I can't rely on that to make me decision, but it makes it so much harder to give up and leave.

I'm glad we were able to have such a wonderful day. It was great to see my daughter smiling and participating. She has been a lot more open lately. I guess therapy is helping. Speaking of therapy, I have decided to go on a weekly basis. I think it will help me too.

I don't know what the future is going to bring, but i'll always remember yesterday as one of the best days i've ever had.

Friday, June 19, 2009

What now?

I'm starting to question so many things. I'm not sure what the hell went on at that party anymore. Things seemed so clear in the beginning. It was easy to wash my hands of my marriage when I hadn't really spoken to my husband. Things have definitely changed since my last post.

I went to see our marriage counselor on my own. She's so easy to talk to. I told her what happened and it felt so good to get all of that mess off my chest. She feels that in order for me to come to a decision, I need to understand what all of this means to me and figure out why I don't seem to be able to break away from a marriage that may not be as healthy as it should be. Basically, she thinks I need to do some soul searching. I think she's right.

After the letter and the text messages I decided to call my husband and ask him if he wanted to sit down and talk. It was my intention to tell him that our marriage was over and I wanted a divorce. I went back and forth all day and felt that I had the strength to do so. What else could I do? I had already told him that he had run out of chances. I couldn't turn back.

We went and sat on a park bench when I got off work. The conversation did not immediately turn to all the drama. There was an incident at his job that really bothered him and I let him talk it out. To be honest I wasn't really in a rush to talk about what transpired and how I was feeling. I didn't really want to deal with it but knew I had no choice.

I told him how I felt about everything. I tried really hard not to forget anything. It was very important that I got everything off my chest. I gave him the floor and when he was done, my mind went into a tailspin. He was so convincing. The man was adamant when he told me that he would never do something like that to me. He said the whole thing was a misunderstanding and professed his love for me. We had a really good talk. When it ended I was more confused than ever.

It was easy to say it's over and i'm getting a divorce when I wasn't speaking to, or dealing with, my husband. Things are different when you look into the eyes of the person you have loved for so many years and they are telling you that they would never do what they're accused of doing.

When we talked my husband said he wondered why no one said anything to him if they thought he was doing something inappropriate. My sister said she went up to him and asked him what he was doing. I love my sister, but I also know how she feels about my husband. She knows about some of the things he has done in the past and would be very happy if our marriage ended. As I think about the situation it would not surprise me if she blew it up to be more than it actually was. She told me she hates my husband and i'm too good for him. I'm pretty sure she would do almost anything she could to insure that I left him.

I spoke to the woman he was suppose to have approached through email and she didn't really give any detail. She would only say that she could not believe he would do something like that while I was standing outside waiting. Actually, I spoke to everyone involved (those who saw and heard things), except one person up until yesterday.

One of the missing pieces of the puzzle was my husband's cousin. He told me she was there the whole time. I finally got in touch with her yesterday and she said she did not hear him ask for the number, but was there while they were talking. She said she did not see or hear anything out of the ordinary. Her advice was to make my decision with an open heart and not to worry about what people think.

My husband and I spoke again yesterday. We talked about several parts of our relationship. He said a lot of good things. My confusion seems to deepen every day. I went from being 100% sure I was done to having no idea where to turn. Love really makes you do crazy things. It makes you do things you never thought possible. Part of me believes him and other parts of me doesn't.

My mind and heart are battling right now. My mind says things don't add up, but my heart is full of love for my husband. My mind says I should cut my losses now, but my heart says he seemed so honest when we talked by the park. I know my husband very well and he did not seem to be lying. At the same time, there are a few things that make me think his story isn't true.

So what do I do? Do I stay with the man who has cheated on me in the past and assume that he is guilty? Do I go with my heart and be with the man I love? It's a hard decision. I don't want to make a mistake and end up being with someone who is lying to me and making me look like a fool. We were on the couch watching television yesterday and he put his head in my lap. It felt so right. My heart was hardened to him when all of this drama began and now it's starting to melt.

What's a girl to do?

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Saga Continues


When I opened my eyes at 5:30 this morning the first thing I saw was a white piece of paper on the dinner tray I left up the night before that said, "Please read." I wasn't sure if I wanted to read it. My first instinct was to tear it up and move on. Curiosity got the best of me and I read it. This is what it said:

Good morning,

I know I have messed up really bad with you and you have no trust for me. When we first started going to counseling I really felt I had no chance, but after a while I saw you becoming relaxed and happy. I started feeling better about myself because of you. I began to feel like we really had a chance and that you may actually trust me one day.

Recently I found out that you were lying and wasn't really giving me the benefit of being trusted again. It wouldn't have bothered me before but I really committed after going to therapy. We were making changes. I went to therapy for you and me. I thought it was a chance for me to be trusted by you again. This is why I need to tell you again that the way things came out of my mouth was not what was intended.

I'm really not trying to lose you. I already knew we had issues. Why would I do some disrespectful shit like that and make matters worse? I know you are in pain because I can feel it to the point that I am sick and weak. I love you more than you know. I also keep wondering why no one said anything to me if they thought I was doing something wrong. Instead they held it in until later to tell you like it was some big secret. Anyway, i'm not going to dwell on that.

Please don't leave me. I need you and I love you. If you had just a little trust in me this may not have gone so far. I really do love you and I did not do this. Just because someone looks guilty it doesn't mean they are.

I have been feeling strong since this whole ordeal started. Before I went to bed I wrote in my journal, "I will not cry. He does not deserve my tears." I was so mad at myself when I cried after reading the letter. I really want the things he wrote to be true. I don't want to leave my husband, but I feel like I have no choice.

I sat for a few minutes and tried to decide what to do. I did not want to call him so I sent him a text message instead. Well, I sent three. Here's what happened:

Me:

I would never strictly go by what someone saw. It wasn't even the first time you tried to get with this woman, and I was in the vicinity both times. I am so disgusted that I can't even look at you. I'm tired of all this mess. I just want to live my life and not carry this garbage around. I'm sorry you feel bad. It's the way i've been feeling for a long time. You went to therapy because you fucked up so much that you didn't have a choice.

Him:

Then that's it? For something I did not do?

Me:

I'm not sure what you want from me. It's like you think i'm your doormat and I will just believe anything you say. I'm not stupid! I don't want to hear you telling me ten years down that road that you did this. You need to man up and be honest and stop treating me like i'm dumb. It pisses me off. I spoke to her and people who saw and heard and it's not who you think.

Him:

No response

Me:

I love you to death and I always will. I know that you are my soul mate. It's too bad you don't respect me as a woman and as your wife.

Him:

I do you just don't acknowledge it. I would like to be treated like a man and a husband. (I have no idea what he meant by that)

I really do love this man. The problem is i've put him before myself for too many years. I can't do it anymore. I really don't want to end my marriage but at this point I feel like I have no choice. It's a sad situation. I really want to believe him but things just don't add up. I'm beginning to feel the pain that I didn't want to deal with. I was content and happy that things were ending and now reality is setting in.

I called our marriage counselor and told her we will not be coming back. I made an appointment to see her alone. If I am really going to move on I need some help. I've gone through a lot over the years and parts of me are still damaged. Wow! My marriage is coming to an end. I can't believe it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Stronger


I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. If this would have happened then it would have destroyed me. I would have crawled up into my regular ball and felt like dying. Things are so damned different this time. I am so over this situation that I really don't have time to dwell on it. If my husband wants to conduct himself like a horny teenaged boy with no control he can have at it. I'm a grown ass woman and will continue to act like one.

If I had not taken this journey seriously, and changed a lot of things about myself, he would be dead or in the hospital right now. I seriously contemplated killing him. I probably could have pleaded temporary insanity after all that he has put me through. I think I was insane. How could I have put up with all his shit? Is love really that deep? Why was I a fool for it? It's not like I needed him in my life.

The people who know keep asking me if i'm alright and when I tell them that I am they don't believe me. I'm not lying at all. I feel fine. Like I said in my previous post, I gave him a chance and he messed it up. I did my part. It's time for me to move on. The only problem is he won't move on, I mean out. He's determined to stay and wait it out.

I know he thinks things will smooth out and i'll forgive him. He's totally wrong. I have checked out. My heart is closed to him. He's stepped on it too many times and i'm not going to let it happen again. I will always love him, but that love seems to come with so many bad memories that I don't want to deal with it.

He's been cooking and cleaning all week long, like that's going to change something. He usually hangs out with his friends every Thursday and tonight he has decided to stay home. I don't know why he's wasting his time. There is nothing he can say or do that will change things at this point. I wish him well. I know that my life will be much better without the stress of his bullshit following me around.

The journey continues. Who knows where it will lead...

Monday, June 8, 2009

No More Drama!


Well, I gave it a try and it didn't work so now i'm moving on. My marriage is done. I'm not even sad. No one can say I didn't go for it. Forgiveness is an important thing. I'm glad I gave my husband the chance to prove that he could be faithful. It's too bad he couldn't do it.

So, we went to his cousin's birthday party Friday night. We had an absolute blast! Everyone drank and danced the night away. My husband works every Saturday and he has to get up really early in the morning. Around 12:30 he decided he wanted to leave and rushed me and my sister out the door. We weren't ready to leave but neither one of us wanted to take a cab home and he was driving.

My sister and I made our way through the crowd and outside to the car, which was parked in front of the lounge. We stood there and waited for about 10 minutes before I started to get pissed off. I called his cell phone and he said he was looking for his cousin so he could let her know were leaving. After waiting another 15 mintutes I sent my sister inside to see what was going on. I didn't have a hand stamp and didn't want to deal with any drama.

A few minutes later my husband and sister came outside. She had a funny look on her face and he looked upset. I was pissed! How the hell are you going to have me standing outside waiting for you and you come outside with bag full of birthday cake and a scowl?

We dropped my sister off and as soon as we pulled up to our place I jumped out of the car and left him. He barely came to a stop before I got out. I went into our bedroom and locked the door. I really did not want to be bothered with him. To be honest, i'd been feeling funny for a few weeks. I just felt like something wasn't right.

So, anyway, fast forward to Saturday afternoon. My son's fraternity was having a charity brunch and my sisters and I were going to meet up and go together. I was getting dressed when my husband came home. As I was putting my clothes on I got a text from the sister I partied with the night before. She said she needed to talk to me. I already knew it wasn't going to be anything good.

We met before our other sister arrived and she proceeds to tell me that when she went back inside she saw my husband trying to holla at one of his cousin's friends. I honestly felt like falling over. I was in shock. Yes, he has cheated but I didn't think he would stoop that low.

When my sister saw him she asked him what the fuck he was doing and he said he was getting cake. While he had his back turned his cousin's friend put her hands in the air and mouthed, "What the hell is wrong with him?" My sister felt so uncomfortable and angry. She knows about some of the things my husband has done and was disappointed when I decided to try counseling and give him another chance.

We went to my son's fraternity event and had a good time. I tried not to think of the slime ball I was going to divorce. My sister's kept asking me if I was okay and even though I knew they meant well it was getting on my nerves. All I knew was I could not go home. I kept having visions of stabbing the slimeball in his sleep and he's definitely not worth me doing jail time.

I went home with my sister. She was going to spend some time at her boyfriend's house but I stayed the night. I am definitely capable of extreme violence, especially when my intelligence is being insulted or i'm being disrespected. I knew something would happen if I went home and my children were home. I called and let them know that I would not be coming home. Their father called me back and asked why I was staying at my sister's house and I told him that I would stab him in his sleep if I came home.

He was shocked and wanted to know why I would say something like that and I told him. Of course he denied doing anything. I forgot to say that I spoke to the female and people who were in the area and I know that he did it. There's not question in my mind. I'm not going to go back and forth with it. I am done. He got all indignant and said he did no such thing and hung up on me because he didn't want to hear "that mess." It didn't matte to me one way or another because my decision was already made and nothing he said was going to change my mind.

I also found out that he tried to get with the same female at the New Years Eve party we attended. There's no way i'm going to be with someone like this. I can only imagine what else he has done.

The funny thing is, i'm not hurt. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I thought I would. I need to stay the course and keep improving. He's not going to hold me back. I gave him the chance to improve and he blew it. I'll always love him and wish him the best, but our time together has come to the end. I asked him to move out but he refused. I don't know how it's going to work out but in my mind we are not together. I'm about to spread my wings and get my life on.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Blog Awards

Wow, little ole me got two blog awards. I'm so excited! Here they are:

I am the recipient of the Proiximity Award. It was given to me by one of my favorite bloggers, Lil Honey B. Check her out at the Bee Hive.



PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time, and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. Check up on these writers! The rules are: This blog award should be sent to your favorite 8 bloggers, and they, in turn, should forward it to 8 of their favs.

Gaytekeeper

Oyin

Renaissance Black Woman

D-Place

Keith's Escapades

Fred Smith

Bond Girl

Prostituted Thoughts

I was also given an award my one of my favorires who has been there for all of my journey. I really love this guys blog and his words have meant a lot to me. Thanks Gaytekeeper. I've been splashed.

The Splash award, the rules are:

* Put the logo on your blog post.
* Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.
* Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
* Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.
* Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award.



I don't blog that much so I can't come up with nine bloggers. I only have a few. Here they are:

Love Becomes Her

Dabizniz

Sunshine Loves Peace

Not All Baltimore Chicks Are Stupid

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It is what it is


I took a total break. I took a break from blogging, working, parenting, and everything else. I took some time for myself. It just wasn't working and I needed to get it together.

The situation with my daughter is not better at all. I'm almost ready to tell her to get the hell out of my house. Her attitude is stank, she never interacts with the family, and is just getting on my damned nerves. I'm sick of looking at her dishes in the sink and waiting for her to wash them. Both my husband and I are trying to keep our cool. It's to the point where I just don't want to deal with her. She actually applied for a program in Boston and I pray every day that she gets in. It's time for her to go.

If I did not take a break I think I may have grabbed her by now. I'm not upset about the way she's feeling anymore. I threw out the olive branch a couple times and it was not accepted. At this point I feel like she is reveling in her victim role and does not want to let it go. I just cannot be obsessed with her feelings anymore. That may be wrong, but it's the way I feel.

It felt so good to just do me. I worried only about myself and let my brain take a break. This is something I will be doing on a permanent basis and I don't care how anyone feels about it. If I don't do me i'll go crazy. I've worked really hard to repair my relationship with my husband and I thought life would be so much better. When the situation with my daughter came up I had to make a conscious decision not to let it destroy me and it hasn't.

I love my daughter to death. I'd take ten bullets for that chick. What I will not do is allow her to turn me back into the sad shell of a woman I once was. She feels that I owe her and should kiss all up in her ass until she feels there are enough lip prints on it. That's not going to happen. I gave me away to her father and I will not do it again. I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling and try to work things out and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk and she said no. I asked her what she needed me to do to make things better and she said nothing. I am done.

My husband, the kids, and I were watching a movie yesterday and she came in and said, "Hey." We all said it back and continued to watch the movie. She stood there wondering why we didn't jump for joy when she appeared. When no one did, she sucked her teeth and went into her room and slammed the door. No one was phased. I wanted to tell her to take her ass in the kitchen and wash the dishes she left in the sink but I didn't want to make things worse. I hate it when people put dishes in an empty sink and leave them there. Her father washed them. My plan was to sit them on her bed if they weren't washed by today.

I used to let other people's shit take over my being but that's not going to happen. I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm not fucking with anybody who doesn't want to fuck with me and if that list includes my daughter, it is what it is.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


It’s hump day and I feel like I’m overcoming a big ass hump of my life. Is it wrong if I am to the point where I just don’t give a damn about what people are feeling? I’ve spent a lot of years putting myself on the back burner so that others could be happy. I do it at home and I’ve done it at work. I’m tired of that shit! I’m trying to live. A lot of life has passed me by and I let it happen. I stayed home and raised my children while their father lived the life of a bachelor and allowed myself to get lost, even though I knew it wasn’t what I deserved.

I gave my power away to others and convinced myself that I couldn’t do anything about it when I knew better. Why? I’m not sure I can answer that. There’s really no excuse and I won’t try to act otherwise. I’m close to 50 years old and I’m starting over. In some ways it’s a beautiful thing and in a lot of ways it’s pathetic as hell. This is the time when I should be enjoying life, not figuring it out. My questions and answer period should be done.

My husband has had his time and it’s nice that he has come around but why did I let him get away with so much? In my mind it’s not about rethinking the past, but in my heart I’m feeling like I shouldn’t let it go. All I can say is he’s lucky I love him so much and decided against seeing my murder plots through. He doesn’t even know that I held a knife to his throat while he was sleeping on more than one occasion. It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t his fault that I allowed him to kill my spirit. I knew I couldn’t take his life as payment for the soul I allowed him to trample on. That was on me, so I accepted it and continued to live my shell of a life. I was only existing. There was not living involved.

Fast forward to the now. I’m more in love with my husband than I’ve been in years and I can actually say that I don’t think he is cheating and believe it. He takes time to do the little things that mean so much and we talk about our dreams and goals for the future. That is something we never did and we’ve been together for a lot of years. It feels good. We make sure to do things together and he spends a lot of quality time with his children. They seem to be happier than they’ve been in a long time. Well, most of them are happier.

That brings me to my daughter. When I first found out about her feelings, I was torn up inside. I felt so bad and it was all I could think of. It was heartbreaking to find out that our relationship was not what I thought. I went back and forth trying to figure out how to fix things. I almost went crazy because my mind was racing so much.

It's been a few weeks and at this point I don't really care as much. I know my daughter takes every issue and thinks it into the ground. As I live with the young woman who spends all of her home time in her bedroom, puts dishes in an empty sink and doesn't even think about washing them, leaves her crap all over the place expecting others to clean it up, and just walks around like we all owe her something, it's hard for me to be as upset about the way she feels. I won't say I don't care. I'll just say I have decided to move on with my life.

I have issues with my mother but I don't blame her for a damned thing. It was my choice not to talk to her about the way I feel, so i'm dealing with it. We have a decent relationship and that's good enough. I really don't think my daughter wants to move on. I think she enjoys holding this over me.

At some point I have to worry about my emotions and well-being. This is that point. I'm going to be selfish. That is something I havent' done in years. Allowing people to make me feel bad about me or what I have or haven't done is over. I gotta live.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Distance


It was so easy to say that I thought things would work out between my daughter and I when she was away. You could not tell me I didn't have it all figured out. Now that she has been home for a little while, i'm realzing that not only do I not have the answers, there's a distance between us.

My daughter has actually put some distance between herself and our entire family. She gets up in the morning, goes to work, does whatever she needs to do when she gets off, comes home, says hello and kisses everyone, and retreats to her room. The only time we see her is when she's getting something to eat or going to the bathroom.

I'm not really sure what to do. How do you try to help someone who doesn't really want to be helped? The situation is really, really difficult. I want to be the mother she says she needs, but how do I do that if she is shutting me out? On one hand she's my daughter and I want to make sure she is okay, but on the other hand she is a grown ass woman and I don't want to invade her space.

I was in the livingroom watching television with a couple of my kids the other day. When I heard my daughter's keys turning the lock I got a knot in my stomach. Knowing what I know has really done a job on the way I feel about her. She feels the way she feels and I totally understand and would never devalue that. The thing is, I know that she thinks everything into the ground. I was nowhere near perfect, but I know that I was not a terrible mother. I'm trying with all of my heart to see things from her side but it's hard knowing you're being blamed for things you're not sure you're responsible for.

I save everything my kids give me. My husband and I were doing some cleaning the other day and I came across some letters my daughter wrote me. The emotions I felt reading them this time were very different from when I first received them. When I first read her words telling me how much she depended on me and how I was always there for her I felt proud. Now i'm not sure what to feel. Was she lying? Was she trying to make me feel better? Did she not mean any of those words?

It's so crazy because I have always prided myself on being the mom whose kids talk to them about any and everything. I have always told my children that they can come to me with anything and they do. After the episode with my daughter, i'm starting to question my relationships with all of my children. I even sat down with each of them to reiterate that I am always here. They all said they knew, but in the back of my mind I wonder. I don't want to second guess my ability as a mother, but should I?

This is not how I want things to be. My marriage counselor comes back next week and i'm trying to decide whether or not I should bring this whole situation up. I need my husband's help, but i'm not sure I want to tell him how I found out about what's going on with our daughter. I gave him a tidbit, but he doesn't know the whole story. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. I just know something's got to give.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Nice Being Alone


My husband and I had a great time while our kids were gone. We went out a few times, but that wasn't really all that important. The most important thing was the time we spent alone. We really connected and the time was definitely needed. I really do love him. I was able to forget about all the drama and just lose myself in the time I spent with my man.

It was really nice. He picked me up from work every day and we would either go out for dinner or drinks or go home. It didn't really matter. All we cared about was spending time together. I was wondering what was going to happen when his usual hang out day came around. I never mentioned it to him. All I did was wait. I made plans in my head about what I was going to do and kept it moving.

His hang out day came around and he called and said he would be picking me up from work. I was surprised. We went to get something to eat and to our favorite dive for happy hour. While we were there, hubby started telling me about how his co-workers tried to get him to go out with them. He said he told them there was no way he was going to go out with them when he had a beautiful woman waiting to spend time with him. I thought that was sweet.

I'm very thankful that we had the opportunity to be at home without the kids. It is very rare that something like that happens. We could walk around naked if we wanted to, and we did. It's always nice to relax in your own home and lounge around and feel comfortable. We also had some of the best sex we've had in a very long time.



I know this will not be happening any time soon so i'm going to cherish the time we had. We made a date box and put a lot of things inside that we would like to do. Every week we're going to pick something out of the box. We came up with things that we have never done or haven't done in a long time. I'm looking forward to all the fun things we're going to do.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

To the Future


I'm glad my kids are gone this week. It's been nice spending time with my husband and i've had time to think about the situation with my daughter. I feel like i'll be ready to face the future of our relationship when she returns. After the emotional roller coaster I was on after I read her journal, I needed time to get it together.

I feel bad about reading her private thoughts but at the same time I feel like it was suppose to happen. She definitely needed to say some things to me. I know she didn't say all that she could have, but when we talked I could see that it made her feel better. It's not easy carrying all of that animosity and hurt around. Trust me I know. I am in my mid forties and have so many parental issues that it's crazy.

The thing that hurts most about the things I read is that I thought I did a pretty good job of not repeating my mother's mistakes. When I realized I repeated them, it almost destroyed me. I thank God for marriage counseling. I learned how to deal with things that make me unhappy. Instead of closing myself up like I once did, I have learned to try and get to the cause of the problem and find solutions.

I can't worry about the past. Mistakes have been made and feelings have been hurt and it's time for correction. Apologies are in order and i've talked to my husband about it. He has to learn to stop letting his embarrassment about his actions turn into anger. I had to make him understand that excuses and pointing fingers was not going to get it this time. His child, and possibly children, is hurting because of his actions and he needs to stop skirting around the issues and face them. I didn't tell him about the journal, I only told him that our child is carrying a whole lot of the past on her shoulders.

We're going to start doing more things as a family. I'm going to make sure of that. I have to admit that most of my energy has been focused of working through my marital issues. We're doing a lot better. It's time for us to band together and make sure that our children are okay. I'm feeling positive. Things are going to be okay.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

That's What I Get For Looking Part 3 - The Letter/Conversation


So, I woke up with my daughter on my mind. She spent the night with her college friend and I went out to dinner with my husband. I did a lot of praying and asked God to help me decide whether or not I should tell him about what was going on. As we were eating and having a good time, something told me to wait. I stopped thinking about it and enjoyed the time we were spending together.

When I got up this morning, I tried to decide what would be the right thing to do. I really wanted to talk to her, but she said she wasn't ready. After a lot of thought, I sat down and wrote her a five page letter. I poured my heart out and tried to make her understand some of the things that I felt have affected our relationship. I left the letter on her bed and began to clean the house.

The rest of the kids have already left so I figured one good cleaning should do it for the week. My husband was at work and I had the place to myself. I do my best thinking while I clean. All I could think of was what her reaction would be when she read the letter. I poured all of my nervous energy into my cleaning.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest when I heard my daughter come in. I was cleaning one of the bathrooms and I heard her door close. She knocked on the door and said hello and went back into her room to pack for her trip. About ten minutes later I heard her outside the bathroom door. I asked if she needed to come in and she said no and went back into her room.

I decided to go and knock on her door and she asked if we could talk when I was done cleaning. She had tears in her eyes and I told her the cleaning could wait. We had a nice talk. She said she has had a lot of resentment and anger for a long time because she felt like she did not have a childhood. She felt like our relationship revolved around what her father was or was not doing. She's impressed by the changes he is making but feels like she is just getting to know him.

A lot was said. We talked and cried and I apologized. I wish I could tell her that I know the extent of her issues, but I could not say anything. She only went so far. Even though it was a good talk, I know that she did not even scratch the surface of her pain. She said she doesn't harbor the bad feelings she had and would rather work on the future instead of concentrating on the past.

I gave my daughter the opportunity to tell me how she really feels, but she didn't really take it. She sugar coated things. I know that I am her mother and saying certain things to your mother is not easy. I'm going to keep working on it. She has a lot that she needs to get off her chest. Today's conversation was a good start. I feel like our relationship will eventually be repaired. I know that I will definitely work toward that happening.

We ended with a hug and she continued to pack and get ready for her trip. After she left, I tried to think of ways that I can help her. I'm glad she's going to therapy and I really hope it is beneficial. She's been going for a couple months. She didn't mention it when we talked. I'm just happy she is trying to get some help and it impresses me that she took that step. She could have turned to alcohol, drugs, or even sex, to ease her pain but she didn't.

My daughter said she knows we did the best we could and she appreciates that. She also said that we have had a lot of good times and good things happen in our family, but the bad just seem to stick out. I felt like she was trying to make me feel better. I guess she can't help it. I know she loves me despite my faults. We promised to be honest with one another from now on. She said she would tell me if I did or said something that hurt her, but i'm not sure she can. My child lives in her head and she thinks things into the ground. I know that is part of the reason she is going through so much.

I really do not know where to go from here. I pray that I figure out the path that I am suppose to take. I love my daughter with all of my heart and, no matter what it takes, i'm going to do my best to make sure she is okay.

Friday, April 10, 2009

That's What I Get For Looking Part 2 - Text Messages


So, I went to work the morning after reading my daughter's journal. I was at my desk staring off into space. I sent my daughter a text last night and she answered it this morning. There was a situation I had with some other members of my family and she was kind of in the middle. I texted her to tell her that I had spoken to one of the family members I had the problem with. I retrieved into my own head for a while after the situation and was very upset with my daughter. We never really talked about it. I sent her a text to let her know things were resolved with the family member and this is what ended up happening:

Me - I spoke to ___________. We talked about what happened and cleared the air. Everything is fine.

Daughter - It's nice that you talked to her.

Me - I know. It was kind of petty. I'm glad we're over it.

Daughter - We never talked about what happened.

Me - ? We? Are you still upset about what happened?

Daughter - Yes

Me - I didn't know that. Why didn't you say something?

Daughter - You said we would talk about it.

Me - I did? (I have absolutely no recollection of telling her we would talk)I'm sorry. Why didn't you remind me?

Daughter - I didn't feel like initiating the conversation. (In her journal she said she was not going to say anything if I didn't)

Me - Do you feel like you can't talk to me?

Daughter - I'm just use to dealing with things on my own.

Me - I really did not know you were still upset. I'm very sorry about that. I love you very much and don't want to hurt your feelings.

Daughter - I love you too.

Me - I feel a huge distance between us and I don't know what it's about.

Daughter - I feel like there were a lot of struggles in our family and I had to grow up fast.

Me - Really? Do you feel like I wasn't there for you?

Daughter - Sometimes

Me - I think we should sit down and have an honest conversation. I want you to get the things you've been carrying around off your chest. What time are you leaving tomorrow. (she's going away for the week)

Daughter - 11:30

Me - Do you want to talk before you leave?

Daughter - I don't really want to have this conversation at all. I would rather just move forward.

Me - And carry around bad feelings? That's not good. Plus how do I move forward if I don't know what i'm leaving behind? I don't want you to be in your forties like me and still have mommy issues.

Daughter - At some point i'll need to talk about it. I just don't want to talk about it now. Just know that I love and appreciate you.

Me - Okay, I love you. I'm here whenever you're ready to talk.

That was it. I don't know what's going to happen next, but i'm going to try my best to get to the bottom of her feelings. I love my daughter very much and what she seems to be going through really worries me. I know how I feel about my mother and I definitely don't want her to feel the same way.

That's What I Get For Looking Pt. 1


I am so out of sorts today. I did something that I would never want someone to do to me and now i'm paying for it. My mind has been racing since last night and I don't know what to do about the situation I created for myself.

I don't know why but lately I have been thinking a lot about how the direction my relationship has taken over the years affected my daughter. She has been with us from the beginning and has seen every twist and turn. There was a time when my husband and I would argue every day and she was there. I've always known that she knew of his infidelities and wondered what she thought of me, but that's not something I felt comfortable asking her about. It has been the 800 pound gorilla in the room for years.

I've done my best to raise my children and not bring my own issues to the table. I thought I was doing an okay job, but it turns out that's not true at all, at least not when my daughter is concerned. I've always known that life hasn't been easy for her, but I had absolutely no idea how bad she has been feeling. And then...

I was in my daughter's room using her computer. I needed a piece of paper to write something down and when I went to get it out of what I thought was a notebook I saw, in big bold letters, on the last page with something written on it, "I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE HER!" I read the previous sentence and it turns out she was talking about me.

I've written in journals for a very long time and I know how pissed off I would feel if I knew someone read my most private thoughts. I stood in the middle of the room with my daughter's journal in my hand trying to decide what to do. I went back and forth and came to the conclusion that, even thought I knew it was wrong, I had to know what she was feeling. I made the wrong decision and read my daughter's journal. I felt bad for doing it, but I felt even worse when I was done.

My daughter harbors a monumental amount of resentment toward me. I didn't read the whole thing, but what I did read really threw me for a loop. She said I haven't been emotionally available and she never really felt that she could talk to me. According to my oldest, I was so busy being wrapped up in my own problems that I never had time for hers. She feels like her father and I laid a terrible foundation for her life and her spirit was destroyed in the process.

Never in a million years would I have thought that my daughter, who seems very confident and strong, has low self-esteem, is on the verge of bulimia, and has taken to cutting herself from time to time. I have no idea where she could be cutting because she always wears tank tops and shorts around the house and I have not seen any scars.

She really resents me a lot and feels that she had to grow up quicker than she should have because I was not in any shape to care for her, and her brother once he came along. She says she felt like she was the parent. I would never act as if her feelings are not valid, but I know that I took care of them both. I may have been down from time to time because of their father's nonsense, but I was not absent.

The thing that hurt me most was not seeing anything pertaining to her father. She feels that I am the one who damaged her. His only crime was not being there. It is I who have done everything wrong. I was not there for her. I destroyed her. I'm still in shock. I always thought I was doing a pretty good job. I know I did the best I could.

My relationship with my mother isn't all that great. She was never one I could talk to about things I was going through. After her and my father divorced, the men she met would always come before me. She would cook their breakfast first and make me wait, she made me give one of them the bike my father purchased for me because he needed it for his messenger job (she likes 'em young), and even dated a guy I went to high school with. I did not consider her a good mother at all.

After reading parts of my daughter's journal I feel lilke I am just like her. That makes me crazy because I have always prided myself on the good relationship I share with each and every one of my children. Was I delusional? What did I miss? I have no idea where I went wrong. Did I become so wrapped up in what my husband was doing that I checked out on my child?

I prayed hard before I went to bed last night. I asked God for direction because I knew I could not just bring these issues up without revealing what I did. It's so crazy that I was just wondering about my daughter's feelings in my last post. I guess you really should be careful what you ask for. I feel terrible about what I did, but I guess everything happens for a reason.

There was one good thing. My daughter is getting counseling. She sees a therapist once a week. I hope and pray that it is helping her. I know what it did for her father and I. As long as she puts her all into it and is totally honest, she will get something out of it.

I asked for direction, or a way to begin a dialogue with my child. Ask and ye shall receive. Stay tuned for part 2.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Just the Two of Us


I can't remember the last time this happened, but my husband and I are going to be alone for a whole week! Between spring break and vacation with friends, all our kids will be out of the house next week. It's unbelievable! I can barely contain my excitement.

Our two youngest, who are 12 and 13, will be spending the week with their Godparents. Our 19 year old is going to Florida with his best friend's family, and I think our eldest decided to find something to do so that we could be alone. She is constantly commenting on how much happier we are. She didn't decide to go anywhere until she found out her brother was going to Florida. She's going to spend time with her sorority sisters in Virginia.

Our daughter has been there since the beginning of our relationship. She has seen every up and down. I'm pretty sure she knows her father has done a lot of things that he should not have done. She has never seemed to judge, but I always wonder how she really feels. Her true opinion of me has been a constant ? for me. She has always thanked me for always being there but I guess the shame I feel won't allow me to believe that she doesn't see me as a fool.

I have no idea what we are going to do while our kids are away. We'll probably play it by ear. I do know what we will be doing. It's very hard to get good and passionate when you have a house full of people. We might start ripping each other's clothes off as soon as the last one leaves.

I'm looking forward to the freedom. I've been a mother and a wife for a long time. It isn't often that my husband and I get to just be us. We enjoy each other's company very much and I know that whatever we do will be good. There was a time when I would not have looked forward to my children being away because I felt like they were all I had. Their father would not have been as interested in spending time with me as he is now. He would have spent a few days with me, but he also would have spent a lot without me.

Those days are over for a few reasons. They're over because he has changed a lot and being out is not as important. I can tell that he genuinely enjoys spending family time. It's all in his eyes when he talks to us. We can all see and feel the difference and it's wonderful. No longer is he the man from the O'Jays song. You know the one that says, "Your body's here with me, but your mind is on the other side of town." That was him.

I can also say, without a doubt, that those days are over because i'm not the same person I was. I will not stand for the crap I let slide by because I didn't love myself enough to ask for more. I have made my standards known and told him what will cause me to check out of the relationship and walk right out the door and he knows that I am serious. I'm not looking back. As soon as the future gets a little murky I will see my way through the fog and make a life for myself. I mean that.

I'm counting down to the day when the last child walks out the door. I will wish them all well and hope they have fun. I know I will. It's been a long time since we had hot, steamy, sweaty, bumping, grinding, licking, sucking breathless, passionate.....excuse me I got kind of excited...sex and i'm ready to go there the entire week.

Friday, April 3, 2009

You're Mad? Really?


What do you do when someone has an attitude with you? What if you know they have no reason to be upset? My husband has had a slight tude since the situations I described in the previous post. I know I said I was going to talk to him, but I just don't have the energy right now.

I went to the nail salon after work. It was so crowded that I left. I didn't feel like waiting. Thursday is usually the day he hangs out and I look forward to having the time to myself. Unfortunately, he worked the midnight shift the previous night and did a lot of running around, so he decided to stay home. I was kind of pissed when I walked into my bedroom and he was in the bed sleeping.

So, he woke up briefly while I was taking my clothes off and it was apparent he wasn't really feeling me. I know I should have risen above but I just did not feel liek dealing. I said hello, grabbed what I wanted, and went in the living room to watch television. My initial plan was to watch the programs I recorded on the dvr in our bedroom, but Mr. Sunshine was in my space.

I've come a long way and marriage counseling has given me many tools that I can use, but there are still times when I just cannot pay attention to the bull. I couldn't believe he was mad at me and didn't want to feed into it. I had an awesome time on my own doing absolutely nothing.

We wake up about half an hour apart in the morning. Hubby was already up and exercising when I got out of bed. I didn't know what to expect. I could tell he wasn't that happy with me, but he was more than cordial. He tried to play it off, but i'm an expert at reading people. It's all in the eyes. We had nice conversation before he left for work and I went about the business of getting dressed.

It would be great if he would just say what's on his mind and move on. This is something we talked about over and over with our marriage counselor. He was making strides but, slowly but surely, I see him slipping back into old habits. There was a time when I would try to drag things out of him, but this is not one of those times. That is not something I should have to do. After all these years of marriage, and months of marriage counseling, he should be able to tell me when something is wrong.

We will talk about the situation eventually. I know it's petty and that's the exact reason I didn't feel like getting into it. I know my husband and he always makes a big thing out of nothing in an argument. That always takes things to a level where they don't need to be because i'm only going to take so much. I'm in a pretty good place and I refuse to let his attitude bring me down. I will know the right time to ask him what his attitude was about.

For now, i'm worrying about me. I'm will not be putting any extra energy into anyone's petty behavior, and that includes my husband.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Grrr...


My husband really got under my skin yesterday.

All of our closet doors were being replaced yesterday. My husband couldn't get the day off, so I stayed home. I needed the time to myself anyway. He said nothing had to be taken out of the closets because they didn't have to go inside. So, of course, the guy gets to my place and informs me that I have to remove everything from the closets! My apartment is huge. He measured all the closets and said he'd be back in a few hours. I spent my whole "me" day working my ass off taking everyone's stuff out of their closets. My husband thought it was hilarious when he called to see how it was going.

I didn't really get pissed off until he started giving me instructions. Don't put this here and don't put that there. I told him I didn't have time to be supervised and hung up on his ass. I was fuming. How the hell did he have the nerve to be giving me instructions when he wasn't there?

One source of pissivity down. On to the next.

We have a storage unit that I have been paying for. He pays most of the bills. Our oldest child has a really good job and pays the cable and phone bill. My husband pays the rent, which is no small sum. We have two timeshares that we split the cost for and he pays everything else. Most of my money goes to my personal bills. If credit cards didn't exist, i'd have a pocket full of dough.

Anyway, he goes to a different storage place with his friend and discovers that we can get a larger size unit for the same price we're paying now. After visiting the place with his friend he decides he's going to switch. I asked about the payment and he told me not to worry about it. I didn't really have that much money this week. I have made a vow not to use my credit cards and I never touch my savings account. I had enough money to make it to pay day.

When hubby visited with his friend, he was told the first three months would be discounted. I was off yesterday so we decided to go and set things up when he got off. We get there and after everything is set up the clerk give hubby a total that is more than the monthly payment, even with the discount. By the time they finished adding on fees left and right the total had skyrocketed. He pulls out his debit card and pays, and we leave.

Before we could even get in the car he asks me when he's going to get his money back. I was totally confused. I know damned well he told me he was going to pay for the first month. I guess that changed when he heard how much it was going to cost. We get in the car and he proceeds to complain about how much he spent. He was upset and me not being upset only made him more upset. I refused to get into this argument. I thought back to some of the things our marriage counselor told us. I tried to resolve things without yelling, but he was on a different page.

I'm really proud of myself. I did not get into a yelling match like I would have some time ago. I let him say what he had to say and reminded him that he told me he was going to pay the first month. I told him I would give him the money back when I got paid if that was what he wanted because I didn't want to dwell. I kept my cool the entire time, even though I was PISSED! I budget my money very well and I really didn't want to pay for something I was told I didn't have to, but I would have done it. It's not like I couldn't afford it.

As we drove along I saw him calming down. Eventually his face softened and the tense rise of his shoulders fell. He apologized before we got home. I accepted his apology, even though I wanted to scratch his eyes out. If he would learn to listen, and not yell, before speaking things would be so much easier. His temper is one of the things I cannot stand. He was getting it under control while we were seeing our marriage counselor, and even considering going to anger management, which is a big step for him.

I see him slipping back into some of the behaviors that were a problem before marriage counseling. We did a lot of good work. I need to remind him of that. I refuse to go backwards. It looks like it's time for a talk.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Gotta Get Out


I've used up so much energy caring for my children and stressing what my husband was doing that I lost my life. I didn't go out much and most of my friends have moved on. They have wonderful social lives and i'm looking around wondering what happened to mine.

Now that my marriage seems to be getting back on track and my children are doing great, i'm longing for things to do and places to go. I don't have as many friends as I once had and the ones I do have are always busy when I want to do something. I need to get out and find a life! I guess it's time for me to make some new friends. How? Where?

I don't remember the last time I went out and wasn't with my husband. We always have a good time, but I need girl's time. There was a time when I had girl's night out every Friday. That was years ago. My best friend moved a few towns away and her job is extremely demanding. I really miss her. At one time I became depressed over the state of my marriage and stopped reaching out to her. I didn't want to be that friend who's complaining about her man every time you speak to her.

The thing is, she stopped calling. I have helped her through a lot of situations. There was a time when I felt like Dear Abby because all I was doing was giving her advice. In a way, it felt like she deserted me when I needed her most. I know I said I didn't want to be that complaining friend, but what's her excuse? I really miss my friend. We email each other from time to time, but I haven't seen her in a year.

I'm tired of going home after work each and every day. My life is getting a bit dull. I might have to start off by doing a movie or museum by myself and go from there. My husband was able to live a full life and I was too busy being a parent to think as much about being in the street. It's my street time now. I need to find myself again. The me that I am got lost in the man that my husband wasn't. I was way too preoccupied with his stuff to pay any attention to mine.

I need to get out of this social rut. Some of my co-workers were talking about going out for drinks after work one day and i'm going to make it happen. If my husband and I can work through all of our drama, I know I can get back the part of my life that I let get away. He had his time and now it's mine.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Wanting to trust


I have to admit something. I'm frustrated. Even though things are much better between my husband and I, I still cannot bring myself to trust him. I try really hard, but it's just not happening. I don't spend half as much time thinking about his infidelities as I once did, and that's great, but I still don't trust him.

Yesterday one of his ex co-workers who moved to Maryland came by our house. I was busy doing something so I didn't really have time to do much more than say hello to him. They chit chatted for a little while and my husband came to tell me he was going outside for a little while. I didn't think much of it at first, but after a while I started to feel those old suspicious feelings again. Do I think he was going to do something he should not have been doing? The answer to that question in no but I still couldn't shake the funnies.

It could be that this co-worker was around when my husband was at the height of his cheating. Old feelings that I didn't expect came creeping up. I did not like the feeling at all and I fear that they will always be there. I guess there's so much water under the bridge that I can't get it out of my head. I really love my husband, but at the same time I resent him for all that he has put me through.

I'm not sure if I can ever be totally happy and that really bothers me. We've put in a lot of work to improve things. Will I ever trust him again? I still question the things he tells me and it doesn't matter whether or not I think he's lying. I guess I just don't want to be a fool. Does that mean i'm not totally commited to making things work? It's so confusing.

I really miss going to see our marriage counselor. It feels like things ended just when we were making the most progress. We're going to have so much to talk about when she comes back. My husband misses it too. We made a lot of progress and I don't want it to be ruined. I'm sure it won't, but i'm so on edge that i'm scared of what might happen.

I don't doubt that my husband loves me and is trying really hard to be the best man he can be. It's just not easy to give someone back the trust they've destroyed. I just hope it returns. It's not fun wanting to love someone totally and completely and having that one big issue that you can't get past. I'm working on it and hopefully will learn to deal with it one day. As long as he continues to be as he is now, it will be a lot easier.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Whirlwind of Emotion


Cozy

That's the word I would use to describe my home life.

Chaotic

Is a word I would have used in the past.

Loved

The warm feeling inside that I get when I catch my husband smiling at me.

Unwanted

The way I felt when he was cheating.

Satisfied

The way I feel after making love to my husband.

Dirty

How I felt after having sex with a man who was sleeping with other women

Relieved

The way I feel about my current situation

Stressed

How I would have been if you met me about a year ago

Blessed

What I say I am when people ask how i'm doing

Cursed

What I thought my marriage once was



I have gone through so many different emotions in the past couple of years that I didn't know where to turn or what to do at times. I have learned that struggle really helps you appreciate the good times. I feel like i've been to hell and back with my husband. He wasn't always the best man, but he was the man I loved. Through all that he put me through, my love stayed constant. I think that's why I held on. I had a feeling that things would get better one day because I knew the real man that was buried inside of the boy who was running around playing childish games. There were times when I felt like a fool, but now i'm glad I held on. I am happier than I have been in a long time and i'm actually learning to trust my husband. It feels great!