Monday, December 29, 2008

Happy New Year!

I'm actually excited about 2009. I think it is going to be a year of discovery. It will be the year that I decide, once and for all, what I do with my life. I don't make resolutions, I make plans. My plan is to have my life in the order it should be in by the end of 2009.

My husband and I are trying to work things out and it hasn't been easy. Some of his ways are really beginning to bug me because i'm in the process of growing and discovering myself. During this process I have realized how much some of the things he does and says really irritate me. In the past I would keep quiet, but marriage counseling has helped me to speak my piece more.

The upcoming year is looking good. I'm ready to continue my journey of self discovery. I already began to rid my life of people, places, and things that bring negative energy and it has made an enormous difference. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. That was part of the reason I put up with a lot of the crap my husband put me through. People thought we were this perfect, happy couple and I didn't want to do anything to diminish the myth. Well, fuck the myth. It's time for me to live the life I deserve and anyone who gets in my way will be ran over.

To make a long story short, i'm not taking any shit in 2009!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Projecting much?

I got in contact with an old friend that I haven't heard from in a while. She was my go to girl. When she started a new job as a vice prinicipal most of her free time went out the window and we drifted apart. It wasn't really a big deal because I knew we would not lose total contact. We all have those friends that we can be apart from for a while and when we get together it's like we were never apart.

Anyway, my friend just bought a new house and invited me out to spend the night and have some girl time and catch up. She lives on the beach and told me about wrapping up in a blanket, grabbing a glass of wine, and going out to read on her terrace. It's cold here, but that still sounded like heaven to me. I couldn't wait.

When I told my husband that I was going to spend the night with my friend he got upset. I have always had this thing about nights being spent out or coming home after the sun. That was because of his cheating. He tried to throw my words back at me. I couldn't believe it! That was like comparing apples and oranges. I asked him if he knew why I felt the way I did about him staying out. He never really answered me, but asked me how I would feel if he told me he was spending the night at the house of one of his coworkers who lives a couple hours away. I told him the situations were totally different because he drives and I don't and it would be inconsiderate to ask my friend to drive me home when I could just stay at her house.

We actually went back and forth arguing about the situation. It didn't really matter to me because I was going no matter how he felt about it. I never go out and I was going to go and have some long overdo fun. The conversation ended and I never revisited it, but put the reaction in my memory computer and we will be discussing it shen we see our marriage counselor tonight.

We got a lot of snow the last weekend and I decided not to go to my friend's house. I didn't want her to have to drive me home in all the snow. My husband didn't know I had changed my mind and called while he was at work to tell me to enjoy my weekend with my friend. I'm glad he wasn't in front of me because I wanted to smack the shit out of him.

His reaction was total projection. Knowing what he would have been doing if he spent the night somewhere got control of his brain. He's not out like he use to be, but there were nights that he told me he was sleeping at the garage where he worked. I'm sure that's not always where he was. The fact that he had the audacity to try and compare me to him pissed me off. It definitely sent me backwards.

I cannot wait to discuss it the situation tonight.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Strong or Foolish?

My husband and I go to marriage counseling every Tuesday. We didn't go last week because our therapist was not in. Our left session ended on an interesting note. My husband said the only reason we are still together is because of my strength. He said he knew that there weren't a lot of women who would put up with his bullshit and still be able to keep our family together. The therapist nodded her head and I shook mine. I did not totally agree with what he said.

I don't see myself as strong because I stayed with a man who cheated on me and didn't always treat me the way he should have. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but strong is definitely not the word I would use. I felt very weak for a long time. I went back and forth wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why couldn't I leave?

I am the example my daughters have of what a woman is suppose to be. What have I taught them? They witnessed a lot of arguments and felt the loss of their father not being around. I feel guilty because I should have gotten them out of that situation. Luckily, they are very strong young women. I really think their father's paternal senses kicked in just in the knick of time. I'm not sure what would have happened to them if they would have had to go any longer without him being the presence he should have been.

What did my sons learn from my experience? Will they think you can treat a woman any way you want and she'll still be with you? My husband seems to think our children had no idea what he was doing, or at least that's what he says. I'm not sure if that is his true feeling. I think it's a rationalization to make him feel better.

I know that I have strength. I've endured a lot in and out of my marriage. I do know that it took a lot to hold my family together and raise my children, basically, on my own. They are part of the reason I stayed. I wanted them to have a two parent home. The problem was, I was a married, single mother for a long time. Women raise children on their own all the time. The real single mothers are the strong ones. Sometimes I feel like a coward for staying in my relationship.

If it has not become obvious yet, I am very hard on myself. I'm the type of person who is always thinking and wondering. My mind is always going tick, tock, tick, tock, all damned day long. I get tired of it, but I can't help it. Before we started counseling, I spent every free moment thinking about my husband's infidelities. I was almost obsessed. It was pitiful. Looking back, I see what a mess I was. I feel strong now because I know I will never settle for anything less that what I know I deserve. If he cheats on me again, i'll be out so fast that he will be covered in my dust.

It's easy for him to say I was strong. Things worked out in his favor and I guess he's trying to compliment me and that's fine, but putting up with garbage doesn't make me strong. I was just a fool in love. All I could think about was my heart. I held on hoping the man I fell in love with would return. I didn't think about what was best for my children, or even myself. I have regrets, but I can't go back. The only thing I can do is make sure I don't revisit the mistakes of the past.

I am changing each and every day. I have put up with things in my marriage that I never would have put up with in any other circumstance. I don't let people take advantage of me and I always speak my mind. This was not true when it came to my marriage. It was like I turned into a marshmellow as soon as my husband was involved. Those days are certainly over. I let my needs and wants be known and definitely have left my doormat days behind. He has changed a lot as well.

No one knows what the future will bring. I can only say that I feel stronger than I have in a long time and my foolish days are over.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Baby I'm Ready

I haven't done anything sexual with my husband since July. I just wasn't feeling him. I'm the type of woman who has to be into all of you to give you all of me. I wasn't sure what he was up to and his whole aura just wasn't doing it for me. I didn't like the way I felt after the last time we had sex so I told him. I actually said, "I don't want to have sex with you." I told him the trust thing was getting to me and until I felt better about us I would not do anything with him.

Sex between us has been like a roller coaster. There were times when it felt so good that I have cried and there were times when it got so routine that I wondered what the point was. We know each other's bodies so well, but at times I just had sex with him to get my rocks off and go to sleep. That is not how I want things to be.

My husband didn't argue with me when I said I didn't want to have sex with him. He said he knew it was his fault that I felt that way and he would wait until I was ready. So, we became closer in other ways but the trust thing still had a hold on me. At the same time I wanted him to make passes at me or at least show that he was interested. He didn't. In the past that would have led me to believe he was cheating, but I do not feel that way now.

I didn't say anything about it bothering me until the topic of sex came up in one of our counseling sessions. I admitted that I still wanted the attention even though I asked to be left alone. He said he didn't want to push me because he understood where I was coming from and wanted to respect my wishes. The therapist asked how he felt when I said I had no interest in having sex with him and he said it really hurt him but, once again, he knew it was his fault.

I won't say I fully trust my husband now, but I do feel a lot better about where our relationship is headed. I see his efforts and they're softening my heart, and something else. I've been thinking about making love to him this whole week. It's time. I'm ready.

I looked into his eyes last night and saw a different person. He's not the same man he was in July. He's a man I want to be closer to. My guard is still up, but it's being broken down brick by brick. I know things have changed because it was so easy for me to abstain from sex before. It didn't bother me at all. Lately, i've been feeling tortured. My heart is back in it. I know myself and my heart and g-spot are connected. If one's not being taken care of the other checks out.

It's time. I'm ready.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Getting Real

Marriage counseling is starting to get real. We have passed the honeymoon stage and moved on to really trying to find out the root of our problems. Our marriage counselor is a dream. I love the way she works. My husband is a willing, but reluctant, participant and she has been able to masterfully get him to do something he does not like to do.

My husband has never been one to share his real feelings. He'll scrape around the surface, but he never gets down to what's really going on with him. Our counselor is a very gentle woman and it's very easy to talk to her. She has eased my husband down the path to realizing that his past has a lot to do with his present. His mother's alcoholism and parent's divorce have followed him into our marriage and has a lot to do with the person that he is.

During his teen years, when his parent's divorced, my husband had to become the man of the house and care for his mother, who had a drinking problem. He also had to become the father figure for his two sisters. They still look up to him as the man who can solve all problems. He never had a chance to be a teenager. He went from fathering his sisters, to having his own before the age of 20.

I guess the lack of teenagehood caught up with my husband and he decided he needed to get those years back. The only problem is he did it at the expense of our family. I've tried to make him realize this but he has always seemed to feel that the things he was doing were secret from our children. I think he was in denial.

Since we've started therapy I have been able to say some things to him that were hard for me before. Our marriage counselor's office is truly a safe haven. There's no anger and no judgment. We both lay it all on the line and have realized things we didn't know existed between us.

My heart and judgment of my husband are both softening. I'm learning to love him again. Trust has not come, and we haven't made love yet, but all things in time. When I am comfortable, it will happen. I still have times when I think of all that he has done and there are times when I second guess his words, but I do feel a lot better about our future and I never thought that would happen.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I've been tagged!


I've been tagged! Thanks you Kinshar for this award and for all the support and kind words you have given me since I started this blog.


Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post,which explains The Award. Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

So here goes. I'm tagging:

Lil Honey B
I think she's so cute and I really enjoy visiting her blog because it always makes me smile.

Although I visit his blog every day, I don't comment. I'm not sure why. I love his writing style and he always comes up with very interesting topics that make you think.

B-More Bap
She was one of the first people to follow my blog. I like her the topics she comes up with and her writing style.

This is one of the first blogs I ever visited. I liked the name and wanted to see what it was all about. I like that the blog is about us. Each entry is in diary form and it interested me because I thought it was very original. It's a good read.

Black Women, Blow the Trumpet
I came across this blog while visiting another and was instantly hooked. This is another one that is for us. It's extremely informative and even though the posts are a little lengthy, it's worth the read.

Thanks to all those I tagged for keeping me reading. I love the blogging community and am glad to be a part of it.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Trusting Again

"Our trustworthiness begins with our ability and willingness to trust ourselves even when we don't feel up to it."-Ruby Fleurcius

This quote definitely applies to what's going on in my life right now. Over the years I have lost most of the trust I had for my husband. Then again, I can't really say that. I trust that he will provide for our family. I trust that he would give his life for each one of us and protect us at all cost. I trust that he will do all that he can to make sure we're okay. I, however, cannot bring myself to trust that he will never cheat again.

We have made a lot of progress since we've been going to counseling. I have let go of some of the resentment i've been feeling and felt my heart softening in ways I thought it never could. The problem I have is not wanting to let my guard down and trust that he will keep his word and be faithful. I don't like being made a fool of and he is on his last leg. If I take him at face value, will he betray me again? Like Luther Vandross said, "I just don't want to be a fool ever again."

Once I lose faith in a person, I generally leave them alone. I love my husband so much, and our bond is so strong, that I can't. There's something that's keeping me here. I just don't know if I can stay if the trust never returns. Rebuilding is a lot of work. I'm just hoping that it's not too late and I won't question the things he says forever.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Learning to let go

I learned something about myself at the marriage counseling session we had Tuesday. I have a huge problem letting go. Seeing my mother being treated badly by men, and abused physically by my sister's father had a huge effect on me. My mother catered to all the men in her life and none of them treated her the way she deserved to be treated. I spent my life taking all of this in and, even though I had no idea, it shaped the way I lived my life.

I have never really catered to my husband, not even when he deserved it. Even when I wanted to do things for him, I wouldn't allow myself to let go. I was not going to be my mother. He was treating me wonderfully but I wasn't about to take the chance of being taken for granted. If he asked me to fix him a plate at a function, I would tell him he had two hands just like I did. I'd say, "Make your own damned plate."

Who would have thought that a man would care about something like that? My husband sat me down one day a few years ago and told me that even though he was a man he had feelings too. He even said it would be nice to be complimented from time to time. I didn't expect that. I wasn't a total brick wall, but I defitintely could have done better. I accept that.

I did some soul searching to try and find out why, even though I really wanted to, I could not bring myself to do more for the man I loved. Childhood shapes adulthood. Once you're of age you can either continue the cycle or break it. I chose to break the cycle, stomp on the cycle, jump up and down on the cycle, and throw it out the window. I was so determined not to be like my mother that I went so far away that I got lost.

I constantly thought about my husband's infidelities. Whenever I had a quiet moment, it was in my head. I refused to let it go. All I did was wonder what he did with the women he was with. Even when I saw him trying to make changes and heard him asking me what he needed to do to fix all the damage he caused, I stayed in my head. He cheated, he cheated, he cheated, that's all I could think about. I just could not let go.

Not only did my mother's experiences affect the way I maneuvered my relationship; it also affected my personality. I have a problem with people telling me what to do and if someone crosses me I have absolutely no problem x-ing them out. I hold grudges FOREVER, even though I know it's not a good thing. I can't help it. Not only do I not want the man in my life taking advantage of me, I don't want ANYONE even thinking about going there.

I never thought to trace any of this back to my past but my marriage counselor connected the dots for me. It was definitely a light bulb moment. I felt like I could breathe a little easier. I finally had an answer to a question i'd been asking myself for a while............."Why am I like this?" I cherish this answer and now I have to do the work needed to make the necessary changes.

Someone on a blog somewhere said therapy was not going to help. They were wrong. After our second session I noticed that I was no longer in my head. My outlook softened and so did my heart. I felt a lot better about everything. Our therapist even noticed that we were much closer. Things are a lot better, but we still have a long way to go.

I look down the road and I can actually see myself being closer to my husband. I see us making love and eventually getting back to where we once were. I look at him now and I see several glimpses of the man I fell in love with. I'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket, but i'm allowing myself to get out of my head and be something I don't usually let myself be. I'm actually optimistic.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My puzzled heart

I started this blog with the intention of writing angry posts about what a terrible man my husband is and how i'm this angry, revenge plotting, victim. I was going to talk about all the things that he's done and put him down. No one was going to see my face so what would it matter?

Something happened in the middle of the blog. We started therapy and my husband began to open up. He started showing flashes of the man I fell in love with. After only two sessions, my disposition began to soften. I love my husband very much and see that he is trying like he never has. I'm not saying that things are perfect and i'm going to forget all that he has done. I'm not even saying i'm definitely going to stay with him. All I can say is I have hope.

Being in a relationship is a lot of work and compromise. I have put in a lot of both. I don't mind working, but it has to be a two way street. My husband has had a lot of selfish moments, but I know what he is capable of. He's taking steps to get back into my good graces and regain my trust. I have told him that I will not make it easy on him and he's ready for whatever I throw his way.

My heart is like a puzzle right now and i'm trying to put it back together piece by piece. I have no idea where i'll be when it's fixed. My husband has promised me that he will never break it again and I have promised myself that I will not let him. Things will be different. If he can make the changes he needs to make, and he has definitely made a lot of them already, then we'll be together.

My husband is not the only one who needs to change. There are things that I know I need to do. I have to be me and know that's good enough. No matter what he says or does, I am good enough. It's time for me to repair the self-esteem that has been torn down by the infidelity of the person I love. I need a life. For years I have made my family my first, and only, priority. That's not a good thing. I have to learn how to put myself first. If i'm not happy I can't fully be there for anyone else.

We haven't had sex since July. I told my husband that I wasn't feeling it and would not do anything with him until I felt like he deserved to be with me. If my heart's not in it I can't do it. I love making love to my husband, but the times of me making love to him and thinking about who else he's been with are over. I will not go there until I feel that he is with me and only me. He says he understands and that he has to pay for the things he has done and will wait until i'm ready. I've been wanting to be with him lately, but i'm still going to wait until I am absolutely sure. My body is a temple and it deserves a king who appreciates it.

I have hope. Sometimes you have to go through the bad to make your way to some good that you'll appreciate. I have a feeling things are going to work themselves out, even if the result is not one I expect.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


There have been a lot of songs about cheating. The one that really hit the nail on the head for me is "Resentment," by Beyonce. I'm not sure if it's a remake or an original, knowing Beyonce, but I do know that the I felt like someone was in my brain the moment I heard it. I found myself wondering if Jay had done something wrong. All the things I have been feeling are in the words of this song. I was amazed! These are the lyrics:

I wish I could believe you
Then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me, really don’t apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy
Once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you, have multiplied
And it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

Just can’t seem to get over
The way you hurt me
Don’t know how you gave another
Who didn’t mean a thing
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you
And I know you’ve change
As much as I wanna trust you
I know it aint the same
And it’s all it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment
I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

(You lied)
I’ll always remember feelin’
(You lied)
Like I was no good
(You lied)
Like I couldn’t do it for you
(You lied)
like your mistress could
(ohh yeah)
And it’s all because you lied.

(You lied)
Loved you more than ever
(You lied)
More than my own life
(You lied)
But this part of me I gave you
(You lied)
It was sacrifice
And it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I tried and tried to forget this
(I tried and I tired and I tired)
But I’m too damn much too full of resentment

I know she was attractive
But I was here first
Been ridin’ with you for 6 years
Why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you (you)

I know your probably thinkin’
What’s up with B
I been cryin’ for too long
What did you do to me
I used to be so strong
Now you took my soul

I'm cryin’
Can’t stop cryin’
Can’t stop cryin’
You coulda told me
You wasn’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you done done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes
And see she’s half of me (You lied)
How could you lie (You lied)

I get chills when I hear this song. It's so on time. I'm trying to change things, and I really do think my husband is trying to change, but i'm so full of resentment that I don't know if I can give him any more chances. He lied and I cried......and I stayed. I'm still trying to figure things out. It's not easy when you're so full of resentment that you can barely find the strength to breathe.

I'm working on letting go of some of the resentment i've been holding on to. My husband and I have gone to two marriage counseling sessions and I can already feel a change. I'm not saying counseling will be our savior, but we're both finally being more open and honest with one another. If I can let go of the resentment and he can be the man I fell in love with, I think we'll be alright.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Marriage Counseling

My husband and I went to our first marriage counseling session Tuesday. It was a good experience. I was able to state my case and let him know what i've been going through. He didn't agree with everything, but that's okay. I think he is in denial about not being around for our children the way he should have. That is something I will be sure to get into. He needs to know that his cheating did not only affect me, it affected our entire family.

We've been talking about counseling for a long time, but never took the steps to go. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest when we were sitting in the waiting room. I was so nervous because I didn't know what to expect. Would he be open and honest, or defensive and uncooperative?

Something happened in that office. My husband said things I have never heard come out of his mouth. He owned up to all that he has done and said he was willing to do anything necessary to repair all the damage he has done. He said he knows that I am a good woman and he doesn't want to lose me. He doesn't say those kinds of things. His emotions are always buried below his bravado. I was happy to see him dig them up and share them with me.

Call me crazy, but I have hope that my situation will work out. I love my husband very much. At the same time, this is it, it's our last hurrah. If he ever cheats on me again I will leave. One of my feet is always out the door anyway. When the therapist asked why I was there I told her that I wanted to learn how to deal with all of the things that have transpired in my marriage. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my husband's infidelities, but at the same time I love him with all my heart. It's a crazy way to be.

When I look into my husband's eyes, I see the love he has for me. I am on the verge of tears right now because I know the man that lives inside the cheat and he's great. He's the one I love. The cheat is an extension of something I do not understand.

So, i'm going to roll with the punches and see what happens. As I work on my marriage I will also be working on myself. I pray that the two can come to a happy medium and work things out. I'm leaving it in God's hands. Whatever should happen will. Yes, I am a scorned woman but i'm also loved. If the person who loves me actually decides to live up to the promise of his manhood things will be fine.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Pause for the Cause

Today is not the day for me to complain about what's going on in my marriage of talk about my husband's infidelity. This is a day of celebration! I cannot put the way I have felt for the past few days into words. No words are expressive enough. I passed cloud nine a long, long time ago. My cloud has no number.

Watching Barack Obama become President of the United States was one of the proudest moments of my life. I felt like my brother won the election. Wait a minute. My brother did win, didn't he? Yes he did. He proved that Yes We Can was not just some slogan.

Almost every black person I passed had a smile on their face. No matter how we try to act otherwise, today is a great day in BLACK history. Yes, it's American history as well, but we can claim this one for ourselves and not give a damn what anyone thinks about it.

My husband and I went to our first therapy session yesterday and we both left feeling really good. By the end of the night, we felt high. Looking at Barack and Michelle's relationship gave me HOPE. They are so great together. I cried like a baby when he said she was his best friend. That's how it should be. He also knows that his wife is the backbone of his family. Aren't we always?

I have cried tears of joy since I voted yesterday morning. We did it! Barack Obama is the perfect person to restore America's respectability and lead the country in the right direction. I could not be happier. The dignity he displayed when others were doing and saying disgusting things never ceased to amaze me. They tried, but could not find a crack in his armor.

It won't be easy, but I know Brother Barack is ready for the challenges that lay ahead. God bless him and the beautiful first family.

Friday, October 31, 2008

How can I ease the pain?

I remember when I first heard the song, "How can I ease the pain," by LIsa Fischer. She has such a beautiful voice and sang the song with such emotion. I knew she'd been in the situation, i'm pretty sure most women have.

How can I ease the pain is one of the questions i'm asking myself at this time in my life. I've been through a lot in my relationship. It's like a roller coaster of love. One minute it's up, the next minute it's down. One minute my heart is exploding with love, the next minute it's aching. I know love isn't perfect, but damn.

All alone, on my knees I pray
for the strength, to stay away


In and out
out and in you go
I feel your fire
then I lose my self control


How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
How can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I ease the pain?


that I let you in
You take away
something deep within
A fool for love
is a fool for pain
And I refuse
to love you again!


How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I ease the pain?
How can I ease it..


if its not my love
that you've come here for,
tell me baby why you're here
knock, knock, knocKin at my door
I cant take it, no no no no more baby
give me it all, or nothin at all!


How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
I need to know how....
How can I ease the pain?


Alone Time

I cherish my alone time, especially lately. I'm in a state of constant confusion and discovery. At this time i'm trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life. The whole should I stay or should I go thing is constantly consuming my thoughts. I see my husband trying hard to be a better man, but I just don't know if it will last or be able to erase all that he has done.

What is a relationship without trust? How can we move forward if i'm always questioning everything he says? I'm in the process of looking for a marriage counselor and he says he's ready to do whatever he has to do to make things work because he loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end. I believe him, but at this point what he wants doesn't reall matter. It's about what's best for me. I've spent enough time doing what's best for everyone else.

I am always alone in thought. I can be in a room full of people and be deep in my own head without missing a beat. I've always been able to do that. Alone time doesn't always mean an empty room.

I often wonder how my children have been affected by my choices. They love their father, but i'm sure they feel some form of abandonement. He wasn't always there. I wonder if they think i'm a fool. I wonder what goes through their head when they think of their parent's relationship. I'll ask them one day, when they're all grown. Maybe it will be a few years after i'm out of the relationship. Who knows?

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Everyone will be out of the house early doing this and that and i'll be there alone with my thoughts. I think i'll pamper myself and go and get my hair and nails done. I'm going to go to the movies alone one day next week. I need some time with myself so I can figure out who I am and what I want to do. At this point, i'm 50% each way. Who knows how long the journey will take? All I know is i'm ready to find the woman I lost and improve on all the things she let go.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Are all men dogs?

I know a lot of guys. They're not really complex beings, but they are different. It's hard to find the good ones, but I know they're out there. Even though i've been with one who seems to think his zipper should constantly be in the down position, I still love the male species. I'm just not sure how to deal with them.

There is no way I will allow myself to believe that every man that was and will ever be born will be unfaithful. Do I think most of them are? Yes I do. I also think there are some that actually have redeeming qualities. They're fun, they can lead you in a waltz, they pick up heavy things, and have a part that a woman can put to use now and then. They'd be great if most of their brains weren't attached to their pee pee.

My father wasn't faithful to my mother. I have no idea how many siblings I have spread around the universe. I do know that one of them passed away recently. I never got to meet her. I don't know what she looked like. We probably passed each other on the street in the past. I love my father very much, but didn't always respect him.

I want my son to be the best man he can possibly be. He's doing well so far. He's very respectful and caring and I don't see any of his father's dog bones hanging out yet. I pray and try to raise him to continue to be the person he is today.

So, what do you think? Are all men dogs?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


My husband has really been trying to be a better man. I can see it. He's surprising me with lunch and doing little things for me that I really appreciate. The problem with that is I cannot let go of the past. No matter what he says or does I always think of what he has done. If he says he's in place B, I assume that means he's in place C (cheating). It's really hard. I do love him. I know that he is a good man but i'm not sure if he's capable of being a good husband.

Right now i'm trying to concentrate on getting myself together. I've gained some weight and lost a whole lot of self-esteem. There has to be something I can do about that. I have lost weight before and I know I can do it again. My problem is my energy level. Stress takes a toll on your body. I'm tired all the time and my mind never feels clear. There is no doubt that my marriage is the cause of the majority of my stress. I just can't leave.

My husband and I went out for drinks a couple days ago and had a really good time. I love spending time with him. It's hard to let go of the man he has become when I know who he really is deep down inside. He can make me feel so loved one minute and not cared for the next. It's so confusing.

I need someone to talk to. My heart needs to be poured out. There's so much in it. So many emotions are traveling through my body. I did have a friend who I could talk to about these things but we have lost touch. It hurts not to be able to express all that i'm going through.

I don't want to be a fool, but I guess it's too late for that. I'm sure most people wonder what the hell i'm doing with this man. Well, I love him. I was the one who would watch talk shows and say how I would leave my husband if he cheated on me. That's easy to say until it happens to you. I've been wrapped up in cheating for a long time, but have remained faithful.

Am I a crazy?

Monday, October 27, 2008


I call myself the woman scorned. My husband has cheated on me for a long time. I don't know why i'm still with him, so don't ask.

All of my friends and family think we're the perfect couple and I guess I don't want to mess that up. It's nice to be thought of as a role model. We have four children ages 25, 19, 13, and 12. They are all wonderful children and have never given us any problems. If you look from the outside, our family is perfect. We have a home, successful careers, and wonderful children.

I would love for someone to come and take a look at our marriage from the inside, my inside. I'm miserable. I've been with the same man for almost 30 years and, as far as I can remember, he's been cheating on me for at least 16 of those years. I've always taken care of my family and made sure that my children had everything they wanted. I'm the one who spent time with them, did things with them, loved and nurtured them, and raised them to be the wonderful people they have become. Their father ran the streets most of their lives.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I damn sure don't need anyone feeling sorry for me. I know that I brought my situation on myself by knowingly being with someone who can't keep his pants zipped. That's on me, i'll accept that. I started this blog so that I could have a place to express myself and let go of some of the pain i'm feeling. No one knows the real me, the woman who cries inside each and every day because she knows she could be happier.

No one knows that even though I have a good career I feel like a failure. No one knows because I don't tell. It's embarassing. So, I hide in the shadows shedding the tears of a clown when no one's around.

My husband says he loves me and I actually believe him. When things are good, they're very good. The problem is I have absolutely no trust in him. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He says he hasn't done anything with anyone since the last time I caught him, three years ago, but I don't believe that. I'm not sure he's capable of honesty or fidelity.

So, if I know this why do I stay with him? Well, for one, I love him. We've been together a long time and I have grown accustomed to my life the way it is. It's not easy to just pick up and go. I don't want to start over. I know it sounds foolish. I guess i'm a fool. My life could be so much better, but if I leave i'll have to admit that my marriage was a lie to all the people who thought it was perfect. I'll have to tell my children and the rest of my family. Nope, not going to do it.

I'm glad I found the blog world. It gives me an outlet. I have a lot bottled up inside of me that I need to get out, so get ready....