Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Trusting Again

"Our trustworthiness begins with our ability and willingness to trust ourselves even when we don't feel up to it."-Ruby Fleurcius

This quote definitely applies to what's going on in my life right now. Over the years I have lost most of the trust I had for my husband. Then again, I can't really say that. I trust that he will provide for our family. I trust that he would give his life for each one of us and protect us at all cost. I trust that he will do all that he can to make sure we're okay. I, however, cannot bring myself to trust that he will never cheat again.

We have made a lot of progress since we've been going to counseling. I have let go of some of the resentment i've been feeling and felt my heart softening in ways I thought it never could. The problem I have is not wanting to let my guard down and trust that he will keep his word and be faithful. I don't like being made a fool of and he is on his last leg. If I take him at face value, will he betray me again? Like Luther Vandross said, "I just don't want to be a fool ever again."

Once I lose faith in a person, I generally leave them alone. I love my husband so much, and our bond is so strong, that I can't. There's something that's keeping me here. I just don't know if I can stay if the trust never returns. Rebuilding is a lot of work. I'm just hoping that it's not too late and I won't question the things he says forever.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Learning to let go

I learned something about myself at the marriage counseling session we had Tuesday. I have a huge problem letting go. Seeing my mother being treated badly by men, and abused physically by my sister's father had a huge effect on me. My mother catered to all the men in her life and none of them treated her the way she deserved to be treated. I spent my life taking all of this in and, even though I had no idea, it shaped the way I lived my life.

I have never really catered to my husband, not even when he deserved it. Even when I wanted to do things for him, I wouldn't allow myself to let go. I was not going to be my mother. He was treating me wonderfully but I wasn't about to take the chance of being taken for granted. If he asked me to fix him a plate at a function, I would tell him he had two hands just like I did. I'd say, "Make your own damned plate."

Who would have thought that a man would care about something like that? My husband sat me down one day a few years ago and told me that even though he was a man he had feelings too. He even said it would be nice to be complimented from time to time. I didn't expect that. I wasn't a total brick wall, but I defitintely could have done better. I accept that.

I did some soul searching to try and find out why, even though I really wanted to, I could not bring myself to do more for the man I loved. Childhood shapes adulthood. Once you're of age you can either continue the cycle or break it. I chose to break the cycle, stomp on the cycle, jump up and down on the cycle, and throw it out the window. I was so determined not to be like my mother that I went so far away that I got lost.

I constantly thought about my husband's infidelities. Whenever I had a quiet moment, it was in my head. I refused to let it go. All I did was wonder what he did with the women he was with. Even when I saw him trying to make changes and heard him asking me what he needed to do to fix all the damage he caused, I stayed in my head. He cheated, he cheated, he cheated, that's all I could think about. I just could not let go.

Not only did my mother's experiences affect the way I maneuvered my relationship; it also affected my personality. I have a problem with people telling me what to do and if someone crosses me I have absolutely no problem x-ing them out. I hold grudges FOREVER, even though I know it's not a good thing. I can't help it. Not only do I not want the man in my life taking advantage of me, I don't want ANYONE even thinking about going there.

I never thought to trace any of this back to my past but my marriage counselor connected the dots for me. It was definitely a light bulb moment. I felt like I could breathe a little easier. I finally had an answer to a question i'd been asking myself for a while............."Why am I like this?" I cherish this answer and now I have to do the work needed to make the necessary changes.

Someone on a blog somewhere said therapy was not going to help. They were wrong. After our second session I noticed that I was no longer in my head. My outlook softened and so did my heart. I felt a lot better about everything. Our therapist even noticed that we were much closer. Things are a lot better, but we still have a long way to go.

I look down the road and I can actually see myself being closer to my husband. I see us making love and eventually getting back to where we once were. I look at him now and I see several glimpses of the man I fell in love with. I'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket, but i'm allowing myself to get out of my head and be something I don't usually let myself be. I'm actually optimistic.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My puzzled heart

I started this blog with the intention of writing angry posts about what a terrible man my husband is and how i'm this angry, revenge plotting, victim. I was going to talk about all the things that he's done and put him down. No one was going to see my face so what would it matter?

Something happened in the middle of the blog. We started therapy and my husband began to open up. He started showing flashes of the man I fell in love with. After only two sessions, my disposition began to soften. I love my husband very much and see that he is trying like he never has. I'm not saying that things are perfect and i'm going to forget all that he has done. I'm not even saying i'm definitely going to stay with him. All I can say is I have hope.

Being in a relationship is a lot of work and compromise. I have put in a lot of both. I don't mind working, but it has to be a two way street. My husband has had a lot of selfish moments, but I know what he is capable of. He's taking steps to get back into my good graces and regain my trust. I have told him that I will not make it easy on him and he's ready for whatever I throw his way.

My heart is like a puzzle right now and i'm trying to put it back together piece by piece. I have no idea where i'll be when it's fixed. My husband has promised me that he will never break it again and I have promised myself that I will not let him. Things will be different. If he can make the changes he needs to make, and he has definitely made a lot of them already, then we'll be together.

My husband is not the only one who needs to change. There are things that I know I need to do. I have to be me and know that's good enough. No matter what he says or does, I am good enough. It's time for me to repair the self-esteem that has been torn down by the infidelity of the person I love. I need a life. For years I have made my family my first, and only, priority. That's not a good thing. I have to learn how to put myself first. If i'm not happy I can't fully be there for anyone else.

We haven't had sex since July. I told my husband that I wasn't feeling it and would not do anything with him until I felt like he deserved to be with me. If my heart's not in it I can't do it. I love making love to my husband, but the times of me making love to him and thinking about who else he's been with are over. I will not go there until I feel that he is with me and only me. He says he understands and that he has to pay for the things he has done and will wait until i'm ready. I've been wanting to be with him lately, but i'm still going to wait until I am absolutely sure. My body is a temple and it deserves a king who appreciates it.

I have hope. Sometimes you have to go through the bad to make your way to some good that you'll appreciate. I have a feeling things are going to work themselves out, even if the result is not one I expect.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


There have been a lot of songs about cheating. The one that really hit the nail on the head for me is "Resentment," by Beyonce. I'm not sure if it's a remake or an original, knowing Beyonce, but I do know that the I felt like someone was in my brain the moment I heard it. I found myself wondering if Jay had done something wrong. All the things I have been feeling are in the words of this song. I was amazed! These are the lyrics:

I wish I could believe you
Then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me, really don’t apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy
Once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you, have multiplied
And it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

Just can’t seem to get over
The way you hurt me
Don’t know how you gave another
Who didn’t mean a thing
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you
And I know you’ve change
As much as I wanna trust you
I know it aint the same
And it’s all it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment
I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

(You lied)
I’ll always remember feelin’
(You lied)
Like I was no good
(You lied)
Like I couldn’t do it for you
(You lied)
like your mistress could
(ohh yeah)
And it’s all because you lied.

(You lied)
Loved you more than ever
(You lied)
More than my own life
(You lied)
But this part of me I gave you
(You lied)
It was sacrifice
And it’s all because you lied

I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I tried and tried to forget this
(I tried and I tired and I tired)
But I’m too damn much too full of resentment

I know she was attractive
But I was here first
Been ridin’ with you for 6 years
Why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you (you)

I know your probably thinkin’
What’s up with B
I been cryin’ for too long
What did you do to me
I used to be so strong
Now you took my soul

I'm cryin’
Can’t stop cryin’
Can’t stop cryin’
You coulda told me
You wasn’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you done done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes
And see she’s half of me (You lied)
How could you lie (You lied)

I get chills when I hear this song. It's so on time. I'm trying to change things, and I really do think my husband is trying to change, but i'm so full of resentment that I don't know if I can give him any more chances. He lied and I cried......and I stayed. I'm still trying to figure things out. It's not easy when you're so full of resentment that you can barely find the strength to breathe.

I'm working on letting go of some of the resentment i've been holding on to. My husband and I have gone to two marriage counseling sessions and I can already feel a change. I'm not saying counseling will be our savior, but we're both finally being more open and honest with one another. If I can let go of the resentment and he can be the man I fell in love with, I think we'll be alright.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Marriage Counseling

My husband and I went to our first marriage counseling session Tuesday. It was a good experience. I was able to state my case and let him know what i've been going through. He didn't agree with everything, but that's okay. I think he is in denial about not being around for our children the way he should have. That is something I will be sure to get into. He needs to know that his cheating did not only affect me, it affected our entire family.

We've been talking about counseling for a long time, but never took the steps to go. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest when we were sitting in the waiting room. I was so nervous because I didn't know what to expect. Would he be open and honest, or defensive and uncooperative?

Something happened in that office. My husband said things I have never heard come out of his mouth. He owned up to all that he has done and said he was willing to do anything necessary to repair all the damage he has done. He said he knows that I am a good woman and he doesn't want to lose me. He doesn't say those kinds of things. His emotions are always buried below his bravado. I was happy to see him dig them up and share them with me.

Call me crazy, but I have hope that my situation will work out. I love my husband very much. At the same time, this is it, it's our last hurrah. If he ever cheats on me again I will leave. One of my feet is always out the door anyway. When the therapist asked why I was there I told her that I wanted to learn how to deal with all of the things that have transpired in my marriage. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my husband's infidelities, but at the same time I love him with all my heart. It's a crazy way to be.

When I look into my husband's eyes, I see the love he has for me. I am on the verge of tears right now because I know the man that lives inside the cheat and he's great. He's the one I love. The cheat is an extension of something I do not understand.

So, i'm going to roll with the punches and see what happens. As I work on my marriage I will also be working on myself. I pray that the two can come to a happy medium and work things out. I'm leaving it in God's hands. Whatever should happen will. Yes, I am a scorned woman but i'm also loved. If the person who loves me actually decides to live up to the promise of his manhood things will be fine.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Pause for the Cause

Today is not the day for me to complain about what's going on in my marriage of talk about my husband's infidelity. This is a day of celebration! I cannot put the way I have felt for the past few days into words. No words are expressive enough. I passed cloud nine a long, long time ago. My cloud has no number.

Watching Barack Obama become President of the United States was one of the proudest moments of my life. I felt like my brother won the election. Wait a minute. My brother did win, didn't he? Yes he did. He proved that Yes We Can was not just some slogan.

Almost every black person I passed had a smile on their face. No matter how we try to act otherwise, today is a great day in BLACK history. Yes, it's American history as well, but we can claim this one for ourselves and not give a damn what anyone thinks about it.

My husband and I went to our first therapy session yesterday and we both left feeling really good. By the end of the night, we felt high. Looking at Barack and Michelle's relationship gave me HOPE. They are so great together. I cried like a baby when he said she was his best friend. That's how it should be. He also knows that his wife is the backbone of his family. Aren't we always?

I have cried tears of joy since I voted yesterday morning. We did it! Barack Obama is the perfect person to restore America's respectability and lead the country in the right direction. I could not be happier. The dignity he displayed when others were doing and saying disgusting things never ceased to amaze me. They tried, but could not find a crack in his armor.

It won't be easy, but I know Brother Barack is ready for the challenges that lay ahead. God bless him and the beautiful first family.