Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Life is what you make it. I'm trying to make the best of mine but something always seems to get in the way. No complaints. I'm just moving along and trying to get the nut that all squirrels like me need to survive.
My husband and I are okay. It's nothing to write home about. At times I feel like we're best friends who have sex once in a while. It doesn't happen that often. We had some terrible sex the other day that left me with my lips twisted and my kitty unsatisfied. It was.....Man, I have no idea what the hell it was. I do know that he fell asleep.
Anyway, on to the next. I found out that my daughter, who's been the bane of my existence, has been clinically depressed for years. She has been in therapy since her senior year in high school. She didn't tell anyone. My daughter has been curled up into a sad ball for years.
She dealt with it on her own because she thought I had enough on my mind between her father's behavior and the money problems we were having at the time. Boy did that make me feel great. What a wonderful mother I was. I felt like a complete and total failure. I cried for a few days after she finally decided to tell me what she'd been going through.
I was fine after a while. We talked and my daughter actually said she felt better about our relationship. It was one of those tears flowing, snot running, soul bearing types of conversations. I actually felt a lot better afterwards....But
It's very hard to deal with the situation. My daughter's attitude is very nasty. She leaves dishes in the sink like she expects us to wash them for her. She uses the bathroom, finishes the roll of toilet tissue, and walks out and leaves it for the next person to change. She's annoying, defensive, anti-social, entitled, and oh yeah, depressed.
I feel like everything I say and do is under her microscope. I walk on egg shells because I don't want to hurt her feelings. When your child tells you they've had thoughts of suicide you don't really want to yell at them for leaving dishes in the sink. When you go into her room and she's lying in bed crying, you don't want to ask her why she didn't replace the toilet tissue.
What's a mother to do?
I thought we were going to work on our relationship but she's still locking herself in her room. When I ask her how she's feeling she just says, "Fine." When she's crying and I ask if she wants to talk she says, "I'll be okay." What do you do when you extend the olive branch and it's thrown back in your face?
At this point i'm not feeling as guilty. I'm tired of dealing with her. I don't know what to do. Giving up is not something I want to do. I'd love to hang in there. I'm trying, I really am. It's just not easy.
I'd love to enjoy a block of time where I can just live and not worry. I want to be a good mother and wife but I also want to have a life. My husband and daughter are the only people who seem to always make my life difficult. He's not as bad lately. She, however, always seems to come up with something.
If i'm being honest, I have to admit that i'm ready for my daughter to move out. I think we need our freedom. This is the place where I can be honest. I'm sick and tired, tired and sick. I want to live my life! Too bad. You can't kick a clinically depressed child out.
Oh yeah, I decided not to deal with the guy I exchanged numbers with. He called me five times and sent me three text messages the day I gave him my number. Not a good sign. I told him I had some things going on that he probably didn't want to be dragged into. No fun. I just wanted to have fun and see what happened. Oh well...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The plot of my life seems to do nothing but thicken. So here we go...
I was at work minding my own business this morning when someone I know in passing came to talk to me. It took me a minute to realize that the talking had moved to flirting. The flirting moved to us looking into one another's eyes and that led to him giving me his number.
I'm not one to talk to men or flirt. I usually have so much on my mind that i'm just moving along. If men speak to me, I smile and that's about it. In this instance there was nowhere for me to go and I didn't really mind. I felt like a woman.
We talked for a little while and he told me that I was mysterious. I said, "That's a good thing." He just smiled and said, "No it's not." I told him if he wanted predictable he was talking to the wrong woman. Was this me talking or was I having an out of body experience. I've been with my husband so long that I thought I had forgot how to talk to men. I'm not even sure I ever knew. I've been with him since I was a teenager.
I took the number. He asked me for a piece of paper and I knew what that meant. My body got up faster than I wanted it to and I found paper and pen for him. I didn't even know his name. We would say hello if we passed in the hall but never had a real conversation. I don't have a lot of conversations. All I do is think about the new bull shit going on in my life.
That's his name. It doesn't really fit. He's a m-a-n and that name is not what I expected him to write down. He kept looking at me with this confused look on his face. When I asked him why he was looking at me like that all he could say was, "You are something else." I'm not sure what he meant by that. I just know I was enjoying the back and forth. I'm very sarcastic and it takes a thick skin to keep up with me. He didn't have a problem with it at all.
What the hell am I doing? Should I have talked to him? I know i'll see him again. What am I going to say when he asks why I didn't call. Should I call? Will I call? I know I want to, but would it be a good idea? Should I use the excuse that my husband has cheated for most of our marriage and now it's my turn to have some fun? Does it matter that my husband and I are getting along really well right now?
I'm not sure what's going to happen. I have slept with the same man more than half of my life and he has slept with Lord knows how many women. I don't feel guilty about flirting or even taking the number. I'm actually feeling a little giddy. They say that everything happens for a reason. What could the reason be? To make me feel like a woman? Am I being testing?
What if I talk to him and I like him? Have I gotten myself into something I cannot handle? Why the hell is a simple phone number spinning me around this way? It's not that i'm out of practice. I guess it's because i've never been in the game. Is this even a game I want to play?
Umm, I gave him my number. What if he calls?
Monday, January 11, 2010
I'm doing pretty good. My marriage is improving and that's a good thing. I'm not delving into the who, what, or when. I'm just living my life with the man I love. I figure things will work themselves out. Thinking, wondering, and snooping is not going to do me any good. All those things do is make me more confused and unable to function.
My household is a lot happier. The only problem is the dark cloud my daughter brings when she's at home. I don't know what the problem is. Things were going great and she reverted back to the hermit she was before. I don't understand it at all. To be very honest i'm sick of it. It's time for her to go.
The entire family has been working together. We've been spending time together and making sure to have family outings when we can. My daughter only goes if it's a special occasion. The only time she wants to be bothered is if it's a holiday or someone's birthday. You get the picture.
Her attitude is very nasty. I'm having a hard time dealing with it. She comes home from work late, after the kitchen has been cleaned, and puts her dishes in the sink. This pisses me off to no end. Her father doesn't say anything about it, he just washes the dishes and complains to me. When I finally had enough and said something to her she acted like a wounded puppy.
How long am I suppose to feel bad for her? I know she has some issues with the way she was raised and a lot of them are valid. Am I suppose to pay for her hurt for the rest of my life? Does she have the right to act like a victim forever? If we are all trying to heal, and making a lot of progress, shouldn't she at least try to get on board? It's so annoying.
I have tried. I offered to sit down and talk and she didn't want to do that. What am I suppose to do? All I want to do is live a happy life. I want my children to be happy. I really do. I'm not going to kill myself trying to do that anymore. I have children who want to be a part of my life. There's no way i'm going to use up all my energy coddling one, even when I want to. I just can't do it anymore.
I'll never say i'm done with my child. I will never give up on her, but I am taking a step back. Do I wish we had a better relationship? Of course I do. I feel like the one we have now is basically non-existent. We barely talk. It's not my choice but i'm not going to kiss her ass anymore. All I can do is love her and let her find whatever it is she's looking for. I just hope she finds it real soon because I don't think I can take the attitude anymore.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
That's really all I wanted to say. I just want to live a life where i'm not thinking, thinking, thinking. I try to keep pushing but this shit is hard. Life is hard. Living is work. Loving is hectic.
I love my husband to death but he is driving me crazy. He's getting on my last damned nerve. The thing that drives me the craziest is his financial irresponsibility. I have things that goals that i'm trying to achieve and he lives in the moment. He talks about the future but makes no effort to plan for it. It's so fucking annoying!
It's to the point where I have to really sit down and decide if I want to continue to be with someone I love that may not allow me to have a better future. He's always saying, "One day at a time," but i'm not sure he realizes that you cannot always live your life that way.
His attitude is so stink that I don't want to talk to him at times. Deep down I think he is unhappy with himself. There are so many issues that he needs to resolve. We started chipping away at his layers when we were in therapy and I saw a big change in him. Lately i've noticed that he has gone back to the angry man he was years ago. I'm not crazy about that man. He's not the one I fell in love with. The one I fell in love with was loving and supportive.
I have a business idea that I have been trying to get off the ground. My husband has always been very supportive. He helps in every way he can. I definitely appreciate that. He never has a problem with being there for me and trying to help me achieve my goal. I have to give him that.
My husband makes a decent living. He has a blue collar job that pays extremely well. That is more than enough for him. He doesn't want anything else. That's fine because his job definitely does a lot for our family. He makes more than I do. The thing is I sometimes wonder how he will feel if my business takes off and makes money and my dollar signs surpass his. I'm not so sure he would be able to handle that. He would never admit it but I think it's true.
I don't want to have a job forever. A career is what I want. I try not to but I despise what I do for a living. I hate sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen. My existence feels empty for the seven hours of the day I am there. I feel like I settled. I've been working at the same place for 14 years. I've moved around but there's really no room for growth. The excellent benefits are what has kept me there. I can hardly take it. Getting up at 5:00 in the morning to do something you can't stand really sucks.
I have decided that I am going to go away on my own for a few days. A friend of mine is going to let me use her timeshare. I need to get away and collect my thoughts. My life and state of mind are in terrible need of improvement. I have to get a game plan together and decide what I want to do with all the things that need to be fixed. I may be a single business woman by the time i'm done. Who knows?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I've been so busy lately that I hardly have time to breathe. I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately and wanted to update what's been going on with me.
I don't have any contact with my sister. I called her a few weeks ago and we talked. Well, actually I did most of the talking. She didn't have much to say. I'm sure she thinks she is innocent in the situation. At this point I can honestly say I don't give a damn. I'm not living my life according to what others think anymore.
I love my sister and don't want anything to happen to her but she made her opinion of my life and decsions very clear. I'm not harping on anyone's judgment of me. She has done and continues to do a lot of things that I do not agree with but I have never judged her or treated her any differently. I wish her well and don't have time to think about her holding that gavel in her hand.
I'm still not really feeling my husband. We go out and have a good time together but we've had sex once since everything happened in June. I'm not into it. He knows how I get when things are incomplete.
In a perfect world I would be on my own. It's just not financially feasible right now. We just got tagged with a huge IRS bill because the chick that did our taxes totally mislead us on a lot of things. We trusted her and ended up in a big ass jam. I'm so upset. When the uncle we all hate comes knocking you have to answer the door or he will destory your life.....THE BASTARD!
My children are all doing wonderful and my relationship with my daughter is better than ever. I'm so happy about that. We've grown much closer and she is much more involved with the family. Her job situation is great and she's in the process of looking for a place. I think that is a great idea. It's time for her to get out into the world and discover new things.
I've been having a lot of fun and doing things on my own. I make sure to go out at least once a week without my husband. He is no longer the focus of my existence. He has noticed that and I think he is scared. He tries to act like he's happy that I am trying to carve out a new social life for myself but I know that is not 100% true. He's done so much wrong that he doesn't know what i'll let happen. To be honest, I don't either.
The first time I went out with my girlfriend he called my cell phone a few times and I didn't answer. I called him back when I was on my way home and he tried to start an argument with me. I wasn't trying to get into an argument for doing something he does all the time. I told him he was wasting his breath and kept it moving. I've been going strong ever since.
I am finally allowing myself to have a life of choices. I got out when I choose to. I have made the choice not to feed into my husband's childish behavior and have stupid arguments that lead nowhere (he's good for that). If I choose to have sex with him I will. Right now that's not what I want.
Right now I choose to stay with my husband and see how things go. I'm taking life one day at a time and trying to find the me I should have been looking for a long time ago. I'm not going to over think things like I usually do. I refuse to become stressed out. That has always been a big problem for me.
I am determined to enjoy life. I've spent too many years with a wrinkled forehead. I'm letting go of all the old stuff bit by bit and smiling a lot more. My freedom has been imprisoned for too long. I'm setting myself free and living my life like it's golden. I know there will be bumps along the way but if I don't start taking my life back i'll never be free.
I'm taking a short trip with my girlfriends and her sister in a couple weeks and i'm so excited. We're not leaving the country. It's just a short getaway. I'm looking forward to clearing my head and having a good time. I'm choosing to improve the things i've been complaining about and do my best to make the most of my life.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
So, yesterday I told my sister how I felt. She's been acting sort of nasty lately so I emailed her. I didn't feel like having some long drawn out conversation so I did it that way. I know it wasn't the right way to go about it but, to be honest, I don't care anymore. I've decided that i'm just not going to deal with her.
I have a lot going on. I have a 17 year old foster son and I just found out that he is going to be a father. He's been dating his girlfriend since he moved in with us at 15. We really love him. He wants us to adopt him before he turns 18. We haven't done so because he was holding out hope that his mother would get herself together and become a part of his life again. Through therapy and a lot of talking he has come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen.
I got a call from the girl's mother last Saturday morning. He was at work. She wanted to speak to him but since he wasn't available she thought she would tell me in a very light hearted voice that I was going to be a grandmother. My reaction was far from light hearted. I was in shock!
We talk very openly about sex in my home. I want my children to be informed. My son is very upset about the pregnancy. He said he used a condom every time and his girfriend told him she was on the pill. She even showed him the pack. They were having sex when he came to us and my husband and I both sat him down and did the whole birds and bees thing.
The girl and her mother are ecstatic. They think this pregnancy is a wonderful idea. She is 17 and still in the 10th grade. Our son received a full scholarship from Villanova University and was excited about going to college. We're not sure what to do now. He has already accepted. There's a baby on the way now and he has to do his part, but we really want him to get that degree. He's a very smart young man who has had a rough life. He's seen more at 17 than i've seen and i'm over 40.
I don't want his life to have to take such a drastic turn because one condom broke. He is heartbroken because he thinks he's not going to be able to go to school. The girl's mother says she is willing to help in any way she can and my husband and I feel the same. The thing is, he will not be able to spend time with his child if he is away at college.
It's a crazy situation. My son feels like he did everything he was suppose to do. He used protection and was positive that his girlfriend was on the pill. The girl and her mother will not listen to anything he has to say. He feels like he has no say in the situation. I feel for him but told him that was the chance he took when he started having sex.
My husband feels that the girl is being selfish because she is not considering his opinion or his future. I had to explain to him that he has no idea how it feels to have an abortion. Also, this girl has had a pretty tumultuous upbringing. No one has taught her anything about setting goals for the future. All she can see is right now. This is also an opportunity for her to bond with a mother who has not treated her well.
I really want my son to go to school. We will be willing to allow him to come home two weekends a month and take his child to see him when we can. He has a job and instead of buying video games and clothes this summer he is going to have to save for pampers and formula.
My entire family has his back. I love that young man like I had him. I am determined to make sure he has a bright future. We will make this situation work. I do not have time to think about my sister and her foolishness. I want to keep my family together. I don't care what she thinks anymore. I know she loves me but she is allowing her feelings for the man i'm married to to cloud her judgment. All she has to do is be there for me. It's not like I talk to her about what's going on in my life anyway. She just happened to see whatever it is she thinks she saw.
I'm going to be a grandmother. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. A child is always a blessing but I wish my could go away to college with a clear head. The adoption will be final soon and our son will officially be ours. I know how I feel about that. He was so troubled when he came to us. He's a different person now. We are all very proud of the progress he has made. His plans for the future do not have to change. The climb is just going to be a little harder. We will all be there every step of the way helping him get up that hill.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Well, things have been interesting. I've just decided to live my life and not worry about anything. My husband and I are getting along but i'm not in the mood to have sex with him. It's been a few months. That's just not going to happen right now. It doesn't matter that i'm not sure if he did what he's accused of. I'm just not in a place where I want to get intimate.
My relationship with my sister is terrible. I don't appreciate the way she reacted to everything. Just because I didn't do what she thought I should she kind of turned her back on me in judgment. I don't have time for people like that no matter who they are. In her mind, i'm upset with her for telling me what she saw. All that does is prove that she does not know me.
I've never judged my sister. She has done a lot of things that I don't approve of at all but i've tried to be there for her in an open and honest way. The fact that I have not received the same treatment hurts. If you love me you love me. It's not about your hate for my husband. I still don't even know what's going to happen in my marital future. It would be nice to have a sister to discuss it with.
I've been relying a lot on my brother. The two of us haven't always been that close but he's handling the situation like an adult, giving me awesome advice, and not concentrating on what my husband did or did not do. It's all about our relationship. That's all I need. I do not want to be judged, especially by someone who is suppose to have my best interest at heart.