Thursday, January 29, 2009
I think i'm in vacation withdrawal. Everything is getting on my nerves, especially my kids. I think I got use to being alone with my husband. The events of our trip keep running through my head and I wish we could run away again. Going back to work was the worse part. I'm sick of most of the people I work with, especially the hating ass females. Why can't women get along?
I don't really have a lot of female friends. There always seems to be so much drama and back biting. I have three really good girlfriends and that's enough for me. Two of them live in the same state as I do and the other one moved away after her mom died. I really miss her. We don't talk the way we use to. My other two girls are the only people who know my story.
I actually have more male friends. It's easier for me to get along better with guys. It's been that way as far back as I can remember. I'm a low maintenance kind of girl. I hardly ever wear makeup, and I love to kick back and watch sports and basically chill. I've never been very girly. I went to a Super Bowl party with my husband last year and the all the women were in the kitchen. I was the only one in the den with the guys whooping it up and making noise.
I just want to throw some clothes in a bag and go!
Anyway, I want to pack my bags and get away again. That's the problem with reconnecting. It's like you're starting over. We're in that stage where everything seems new and you want to be in each others presence all the time. I'm trying to get my head back in the game but it's not happening fast enough. At least i'm not worried about falling back into the rut my marriage was in.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wow! There's so much to say. My husband and I left for our "weekend" trip Friday, January 16th and we didn't come back until Sunday the 25th! We had a wonderful time. We were enjoying each other's company so much that we couldn't leave. It's one of the best times I have ever had. We reconnected on so many levels. I feel like a totally new woman and wife.
We finally made love and it was wonderful. The first time was the best. It was like we were one again. When I climaxed, I was releasing so much. I felt like I was letting go all the drama, all the pain, all the bad things. It was so overwhelming that I started to cry. My husband understood immediately and held me in his arms until we both fell asleep. I get chills just thinking about the way I felt.
It was cold where we went, but we still found the time to party and have fun. We met some nice people and every time we mentioned that it was our 25th anniversary they felt the need to get us drunk. We went to the hotel bar the first night to get a shot before we hit the cold air and never left. The people at the bar wouldn't allow us to buy anything! They fed us and made sure our glasses were never empty. Needless to say, we had a lot of fun that night.
I haven't felt as close to my husband as I did while we were gone in a very long time. It was nice not to have any distractions. Our children didn't even bother us. I think they knew that we needed that time together. Of course we called to check on them, but they would always say, "Don't worry about us." When I talked to my oldest son, I could tell he was happy that we were spending time alone. He even commented on how happy I sounded.
We were doing all the little things we forgot about like holding hands and kissing in public. I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I'm so happy he surprised me with this trip. It showed me how much he is trying. We had a long talk in our hotel room one night about some of the things that have happened between us and his words felt so genuine. I've spent a lot of years knowing that the words that were coming out of his mouth were just what he thought I wanted to hear. It was wonderful to be able to listen and know that the thought and the intent was real.
I'm actually happy. It's been a very long time since I felt like my future was bright. We both shed a few tears when we left because the time we spent together was so special. It's not something that can be duplicated. It's something that will go down in our history as ours, a time that we can look back on and smile to one another.
I now truly feel that we have started over. I know things will not be perfect, but i'm optimistic. I enjoy making love to my husband again. The past did not enter my mind once. I let go and allowed myself to be present and open.
I'm in love again!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Today is the anniversary of the day I got married. My husband is a lot more excited than I am. We were going to go away, but i'm not ready to take a trip with him yet. I really feel like i'm at the beginning of our relationship. There's so much water under the bridge that i'm trying to forgive. It hasn't been easy, but it's getting easier. My heart is no longer in agony on a daily basis.
Before we began therapy my husband would look forward to this day and talk a lot about this exotic trip he wanted us to take. Being the scorned woman I was, I secretly sabotaged plans without telling him that I was feeling lying on a beach celebrating a marriage that was failing more and more each day with a man I had no trust for. I couldn't understand how someone who constantly disrespected his vows could have the audacity to be so proud. He lived in his own world of denial floating on a cloud with his head buried inside, wearing fake rose colored glasses.
Another thing that took away any excitement I could have had about taking a trip was the fact that my husband has gone on several trips out of the country with his friends. He and I have traveled inside the United States to Palm Springs, Las Vegas (three times), Atlantic City, The Poconos, and Boston. We've also gone on a cruise together. He has gone to Aruba, Acapulco, Dominican Republic (twice), and Curacao with his friends. A group of them traveled together every year. This is something that I will forever be bitter about and refuse to let go. The thought of traveling outside the country with him does not excite me because he has already seen and done things without me. I went on a cruise and to Cancun with friends and had fun, but it would have been nice to be with the man I love. We're going to therapy tonight and i'm realizing that this is something I need to talk about.
I don't want to go back to the bitter me, but this day has made me reflect on a lot. We've been together for a long time and gone through a lot. The ups and downs were crazy! When things were good between us, they were soooooo good and it's the same for the bad. It's almost like we had no middle ground.
There is no doubt in my mind that my husband is my soul mate. We finish each other's sentences and speak what the other is thinking. No matter how hard I try, I cannot picture my life without him and vice versa. We have conversations about this all the time. I love him with all of my heart and soul. If I didn't, I would have been gone a long, long time ago.
I know that he loves me deeply. That is why I cannot understand why he was such an adulterer. Since we've been going to therapy I have been able to stop wondering and start moving on. It happened, I stayed, and I want to be happy. Constantly dwelling on the past is not a good way to make a better future. I've learned that and that's a huge step for me. I'm a super grudge holder, or at least I was. I'm happier now and have no reason to hold on to all that old shit. I may not be able to trust the way I want to, but for the first time in a long time I feel like there's a possibility that i'll get there one day.
So, on the anniversary of the day I became Mrs. _______________________, I will eat, drink, and be merry. I'll spend the day thinking of possibilities and not drowning in all the water under the bridge. We're going to have a good time tonight and start the next year of our marriage off filled with positivity and love, looking forward to the future.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Hubby and I went to marriage counseling last night and had a great session. We talked about how determined we are to make 2009 a great year. I've said things like that before when a new year rolled around, but this time I really mean it. I can feel the change coming.
When we first decided to go to therapy I wasn't sure how it would go. I went with an open mind but wasn't sure if my husband would be able to give it his all. He's never been one who found it easy to talk about his feelings. I have been totally surprised, and impressed, by the amount of work he has put in. It's easier for me to be honest because our experience has been one of total honesty.
If someone would have told me six months ago that I would actually be optimistic about my marriage I would have thought they were crazy. I can actually see myself trusting him again one day and that is something I never thought would happen. I'm not saying it's going to happen any time soon, but if we continue down the path we are on it will be a reality one day.
There was a time when my husband's infidelities consumed my thoughts. I still think about it from time to time, but the consumption is over. My mind no longer feeds off of those thoughts. It has better things to think of. The time we spend together has more quality now, it's not spent arguing. We actually enjoy each other's company.
It's funny, as soon as 2009 came in I let go of so much. I actually felt the weight leave my body. I've been carrying so much crap around that it has weighed me down. I'm so filled with determination. I will be happy. We will be happy. I've always loved my husband but i'm falling IN love with him again. I smile when I think of him and want to spend time with him. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
I've gone through a lot, in and out of my marriage, and there were times when I thought I would never be happy. I felt lost and alone but put on the tears of a clown so that no one would know how I was really feeling. My husband would change for a little while and I always knew he would eventually go back to his old ways. For the first time i'm actually optimistic. I think he's serious and committed to making our marriage work. I see it in his eyes. He's a different man, well he's the man I fell in love with again and that's not exactly different.
I've finally realized that my state of mind has a lot to do with how my life turns out. When I allowed myself to become so absorbed in negative thoughts, I sent so much negative energy into the universe. Those days are over. I'm so glad we decided to get help. Things are truly looking up. I'm in love with my husband again.
Friday, January 2, 2009
I'm feeling great. I have really shed the drama of 2008 and my spirit is filled with determination. I can actually feel the difference. 2009 is going to be a great year for me because I am claiming it. I finally realized that the universe only returns what you give. I've spent a lot of years trying to guard myself from disappointment that it was all I got. I'm done with that way of thinking.
My husband and I went to a great party on new year's eve and had a ball. We danced and drank the night away and it was wonderful. We made promises to one another with our eyes. No words were spoken, but we both know what time it is. This is our year. I know things are going to work out. I'm all about success in every area of my life. My mental, physical, spiritual, and financial self will improve and reach heights like never before. I know it in my heart. I'm getting chills as i'm writing this.
I really am a different woman. I'm a work in progress, but I know that I will achieve the goals I have set for myself. There are so many things I want to do for myself. I've dedicated my life to my family for so long that I forgot what it was like to do for me. That time is over. Of course I love my family, but the better I feel about me the better i'll be to them.
The woman that is me began the metamorphosis stage in the middle of 2008 and she is ready for the process to end. I've learned so much over the years and i'm finally ready to put all of my knowledge to use and become the woman i've always wanted to be. No more will I worry about others and damage myself in the process. 2009 is the year of ME.
It feels wonderful to say i'm letting things go and mean it. I am completely open and ready to give my husband everything I have. I don't want to judge him or make him hurt the way I hurt like I once did. All I want to do is love him. I truly think that he is my soul mate. That is the only way I can explain us still being together. He has the string that is pulling my heart. Every time I tried to think of leaving I couldn't bring myself to think of life without him. I know he loves me. I know the man he is capable of being and I see him becoming that man again. I'm excited!
I may have to change the name of my blog. I'm not the same scorned woman I was when I began this journey. I'm ready for love from my man as well as love of self. I've never felt this way before. I can't wait to see what 2009 brings.