Sunday, July 5, 2009
I can't complain
Considering all that I have on my mind i'd say I'm doing pretty good. I don't know what the future is going to bring but i'm also not worried about it. I'm sick of investigating and trying to figure out what my husband did or didn't do. There's really no way for me to get to the bottom of the situation. I do know that I don't trust some of the people I use to trust and this situation has showed me who a few people really are.
I can't say i'll stay with my husband and I can't say I won't. I do love him and see lots of changes in him. That doesn't mean he didn't do what he's accused of. So what now? I just pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. I'm taking life step by step.
I had dinner with one of my best friends after work Friday. We hadn't seen each other for a very long time. I told her what happened and her advice was to get out of my head and let nature take its course. It felt good to talk to my her. She is one of the people I trust most in the world and her advice is always important to me. We've been through a lot together. She knows my story and I know hers.
I can be totally open with my friend and know that she will not judge me. It felt so good to sit across the table from her and get all the crap off my chest. There aren't many people I can talk to and be completely honest about what is going on in my marriage. I have two best friends and they offer advice and love unconditionally.
My other friend feels that things happen and whether or not my husband did what people are saying he did I should go with my heart. She says I am the only one who can make the decision and what other people say does not matter.
My sister has pulled away from me. I think she's disappointed. She expected this to be the final straw and hoped that I would leave my husband. I can feel her judgment whenever we talk. Things are strained between the two of us. I talked to our brother and he says no one else is in my home or my heart and the decision is mine. He said our sister was on the side of the conversation and doesn't really know what was being said.
It's a big mess. I'm really trying not to think about it but I can't help it. I haven't had sex with my husband in almost two months. I'm just not feeling it right now. There's too much confusion and I can't give myself freely to him right now. I would love to be with him but I just can't do it. Things seem right when we're together but i'm not all the way there. I love spending time with him but i'm scared that I will never be able to trust him. I'm hoping I can get it together one way or another.
I'm not going to complain. There are so many people doing worse than I am. I have my health and people who love me. I know that my main worry is looking like a fool and staying with a man who would try to pick up another woman while i'm standing outside waiting for him. On the other hand, I don't want to end my marriage and blame him for something he did not do.
It's going to work itself out. I can't dwell. I'm finding my footing and trying to get it together. I want to have a life of my own. I'm sure the decision will come when that happens. I need to focus more on myself and less on what my husband did or did not do and what other people think.