Tuesday, May 26, 2009
It is what it is
I took a total break. I took a break from blogging, working, parenting, and everything else. I took some time for myself. It just wasn't working and I needed to get it together.
The situation with my daughter is not better at all. I'm almost ready to tell her to get the hell out of my house. Her attitude is stank, she never interacts with the family, and is just getting on my damned nerves. I'm sick of looking at her dishes in the sink and waiting for her to wash them. Both my husband and I are trying to keep our cool. It's to the point where I just don't want to deal with her. She actually applied for a program in Boston and I pray every day that she gets in. It's time for her to go.
If I did not take a break I think I may have grabbed her by now. I'm not upset about the way she's feeling anymore. I threw out the olive branch a couple times and it was not accepted. At this point I feel like she is reveling in her victim role and does not want to let it go. I just cannot be obsessed with her feelings anymore. That may be wrong, but it's the way I feel.
It felt so good to just do me. I worried only about myself and let my brain take a break. This is something I will be doing on a permanent basis and I don't care how anyone feels about it. If I don't do me i'll go crazy. I've worked really hard to repair my relationship with my husband and I thought life would be so much better. When the situation with my daughter came up I had to make a conscious decision not to let it destroy me and it hasn't.
I love my daughter to death. I'd take ten bullets for that chick. What I will not do is allow her to turn me back into the sad shell of a woman I once was. She feels that I owe her and should kiss all up in her ass until she feels there are enough lip prints on it. That's not going to happen. I gave me away to her father and I will not do it again. I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling and try to work things out and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk and she said no. I asked her what she needed me to do to make things better and she said nothing. I am done.
My husband, the kids, and I were watching a movie yesterday and she came in and said, "Hey." We all said it back and continued to watch the movie. She stood there wondering why we didn't jump for joy when she appeared. When no one did, she sucked her teeth and went into her room and slammed the door. No one was phased. I wanted to tell her to take her ass in the kitchen and wash the dishes she left in the sink but I didn't want to make things worse. I hate it when people put dishes in an empty sink and leave them there. Her father washed them. My plan was to sit them on her bed if they weren't washed by today.
I used to let other people's shit take over my being but that's not going to happen. I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm not fucking with anybody who doesn't want to fuck with me and if that list includes my daughter, it is what it is.