Thursday, February 26, 2009

Trust and other issues

I haven't blogged in a week and I feel kind of bad. Now that things are going so well, I don't seem to have the need to share that I did before. I'm going to do better. Blogging really helped me get through a rough time and i'm going to do my best to continue.

My husband and I have been enjoying each other a lot. Our children definitely notice the closeness. Our oldest son commented on how happy we seem. He's the one who has been there from the start so I know he's very glad we're getting along on such a consistent basis. One of our daughters even told her father it was nice to have him home so much. He had mixed feelings about her comment. On one hand he was glad she noticed, but he also felt bad that she needed to tell him that.

Can this be happening? Am I really this happy? Will it last? That's the real question. I'm trying really hard but it's not easy to let my guard totally down. We haven't been on this roll very long and i'm not the total optimist. I'm doing better, but after so many years of up and down I can't just put all of my faith in him just yet.

I also wonder if I will ever be able to trust my husband they way a wife should. There are still times I second guess the things he tells me. It's going to take me a while. Trust is one of the most important factors of a healthy relationship. The only way he can earn my trust is to do what he's doing now on a consistent basis. I know that he's capable of sustaining his behavior, but does he love me enough? There's a lot of temptation out there. My husband is a very handsome man and, let's face it, a wedding ring is an aphrodisiac to some women.

Years ago, before cell phone service was vastly improved, my husband had a problem with his phone that I didn't tell him about. Somehow, I was able to hear what was going on around him when I called his number. It was crazy! I only heard something worth hearing once. He was at a party talking to a woman and she was throwing herself at him. Surprisingly, he didn't seem to be interested. He told her that he was married and loved his wife. She said she didn't care and that the ring he was showing her was only another piece of jewelry.

What ever happened to honor among women? I once heard a woman say she "dated" married men because there were no strings attached. Huh? What about the woman he's married to? Why don't you care about her? I could not see myself doing that to another female. I'm not putting all the blame on the woman. I'm just saying a little solidarity goes a long way.

Hopefully I won't have to worry about these things things anymore. I pray that things will continue along the road they're currently traveling. I feel like I have my marriage back and will do anything to keep it. As long as my husband does his part, everything will be alright.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

It's all coming back to me now

It feels great to be having sex again. I forgot how relaxed it can make you. Things don't even bother me as much. Sometimes I sit around and think about the love my husband made to me and smile. Things that I were getting on my nerves are don't matter as much. I'm too busy thinking about a how a tongue here or a kiss there made me feel. My weekend was so great that i've been thinking about those kinds of things a lot.

I always go into withdrawal after my husband and I share a good time. Our valentine's weekend was so great that I can't stop thinking about it. It's been a long time since we've been in the house alone. We don't have a couple children and it's not easy to get rid of all of them at once. I guess I shouldn't say get rid of them but, well, that's what I mean. Our children are great but their presence isn't really condusive to getting busy.

I had a project at work that I needed to finish so I went to work for a little while on Valentine's day. While at work I decided to do something cute for him. I made him a sexy, personalized crossword puzzle and a coupon book full of different things he can ask for at any time (full body massage, breakfast in bed, a quickie, his favorite sexual position, and so on). I also wrote him a long letter telling him how I feel. He loved it. My husband is not a picky man. The smallest things please him. That's one of the things I love about him.

We didn't do the whole dinner thing. We went and had drinks at our favorite dive bar. The drinks are strong and we know all the bartenders. We didn't spend much money because it was Valentine's Day and they all wanted us to have a good time. We did just that. When we left we went to get something to eat and went home and ate food off of each other. It was a wonderful, simple night.
We laid around and watched movies Sunday. I love to do that. It was a totally lazy day spent with my man and it was great. Our kids weren't coming home so we played around with each other all day long. It felt good not to have to wear panties. I know that may sound funny but it gave me a sense of freedom to have on a short t-shirt and no panties. Hubby liked it too. He couldn't keep his hands off of me.

By the time our kids came home Monday we were both spent. I think we made up for all the sex we didn't have for all those months. It was nice to be able to make as much noise as I wanted and not worry about who would hear me. I think that made me louder. Just knowing no one was there was a turn on.

I don't know how I could have forgotten how hot the sex can be between us. I know that my mind is clearing because I was able to totally let go and give him every inch of my body. It felt like every nerve I have was standing on end. My mind, body, and soul were being were all turned on. I guess i'm in love again. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. I almost forgot what it was like to be wet and tingly all the time. It's all coming back to me now.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's Day

This will be one of the best valentine's days i've had in a long time. As far as I know we don't have any plans, but that has nothing to do with it. I haven't felt this in love on February 14th in a long time. It feels good. To be honest, I never really paid much attention to this day before, even when things were good. I tried to let my husband know I loved him every day, even when he didn't deserve it.

I was at work last valentine's day and one of my co-workers came to my desk and said there was someone in the front asking for me. I argued with her because she plays pranks and I didn't believe her. She convinced me that she wasn't playing around so I went to see who was there. I turned the corner and my husband was standing at the entrance with a beautiful vase full of long-stemmed red roses. It made me so happy and a huge smile lit up my face. I couldn't believe that he did that!

Things like that are the reason I have held on so long. He always does little things for me that make me smile, even when I can't stand him. I know his heart is filled with so much love.

Anyway, I say this is going to be one of the best valentines days because of the feelings between us. Also, every last one of our children are gone! We have the house to ourselves. It's not really about sex, even though I hope we have a lot of it, it's about being alone and connecting. I don't want to go out and do anything. I just want to stay home and be with my man.

I hope everyone has a wonderful valentine's day. I also hope you all take time every day to let the ones you love know how much you care.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

First Impressions

I remember the first time I laid eyes on my husband. We were both very young. He was with some friends and I was alone. As I walked by, he touched my arm and said hello. I have always been one who had issues with personal space. I don't like people I don't know touching or standing too close to me. For some reason, I wasn't bothered by his touch. I looked at him and smiled. I remember thinking how beautiful his eyes were. We looked at each other for a moment and I kept walking.

The next thing I knew, I felt his touch on my arm again. I turned and looked into those beautiful eyes and couldn't help but smile again. He asked me my name and we started to talk. I liked him immediately and felt so comfortable. I was suppose to go home but I spent time with a cute boy instead. I didn't even care that I was going to get my ass handed to me when I got home. There was something about him.
We've been together since that day. There were times in the past when I couldn't believe he was the same person. How could the cute boy with the pretty eyes do some of the things he was doing? Now, I look into those eyes and see that boy. He touches my arm and those old feelings come back. It makes me smile just like I did the day we met and it feels great.

After marriage counseling, and a lot of thought. I realized that a big reason I have held on is the memory of the boy I met almost 30 years ago. There is something about him that makes it hard for me to let go. His memory has endured all the cheating, lies, and hurt feelings. Even during the rough times, I saw him in a set of the most beautiful eyes in the world. I knew he was still there and I spent years wishing he would come back to me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not fall out of love with him.

He called me at work this morning and told me I was his soul mate. It made me feel like that teenage girl who was mesmerized by a boy's touch. We've gone through a lot but, through it all, I knew he loved me. I knew I had his heart. It just feels much better now because it's not fragmented, it's the whole thing. I don't spend as much time wondering what if or how could he anymore. Things are still complicated and incomplete, but they're mending. I'm so busy looking to the future that I don't have as much time to worry about the past.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

My sister, my......friend?

So, i'm going through something with my sister right now and it took me back to a previous situation. We've alwasys acted like we're close, but if I really think about our relationship I know that's not true. We love each other and would be there if needed, but we're not like sisters who are also girlfriends.

My sister use to date one of my husband's co-workers. They met at our house when we had a get together a few years ago. We didn't know they were seeing each other for a while because my sister was dating someone who everyone in our family loved at the time. She was on her way out of the relationship, but didn't tell anyone.

Once my sister broke up with her ex, who is still like a part of our family, she told us she was dating my husband's friend. We didn't really care. He's a nice guy and actually one of my husband's best friends at work. I think he went bowling with our family once, but that was about it. He basically stopped coming around the family.

They kept everything about their relationship a secret. My husband and I would invite them to hang out with us but there was always an excuse. We assumed they didn't want to be bothered and stopped trying. I didn't know they were with my other sister and her husband quite often until recently.

The relationship between those two was weird and dramatic. My sister would often tell me of the things that transpired between them. At first I would give her advice but as the drama got more and more ludicrous I began to hold my tongue. One minute they were head over heels, the next minute they weren't speaking. I found out that my husband's friend was a little nutty. He basically stalked my sister. She kept changing her cell phone number because of him, and then giving it to him. It was crazy on both of their ends.

My sister's relationship is part of the reason things came to a head with my husband. My son's school has an event every June and my entire family (mother, sisters, brother and their kids) always goes. My sister called and said she would not be coming because she was going through something and didn't want to, "be around the family." I asked her what was wrong but she didn't want to talk about it. She can be secretive so I didn't go into it.

I was hanging out with my sister a few months after my son's event and, after a few drinks, she told me why she didn't want to go. It turned out the guy she was dating told her some things about my husband. The thing is, he told her months before my son's function. She was holding on to the things he told her for months.

I won't lie, even though I know if couldn't have been easy for her to carry that around, I was still pissed off. She either should have told me or not told me. Waiting until months later, and then swearing me to secrecy, only made matters worse.

After what she told me, I had to play detective to try and find out if the things I learned were true. Eventually, I came clean to my husband. He explained some of the things away with good explanations and denied some. I was so embarassed that my sister knew my business. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and was going to leave. That is how we ended up in counseling.

I don't really see or talk to my sister that much anymore. It doesn't have anything to do with this situation. Like I said before, she's a very secretive person. It's very annoying. I would love to talk to her more but will not give to someone who does not give back. She's much closer with our other sister.

There was a time when I had a good relationship with my sister. She was the one who I talked to more than anyone else. I really think that the relationship she had with my husband’s co-worker changed what we had. They’re no longer together and we’re no longer close. It’s sad.

My sister has a lot of daddy issues and men are a very important part of her life. She’s not the best mother and I think my niece has suffered because of her daddy search. I’ve tried to talk to her but, to be honest, I have my own problems. I’m not sure there’s much I could say anyway. Our mother wasn’t the best example and now she probably sees me as a fool for staying with the man who cheated on me. I know that she judges me and thinks I should leave, but it’s not up to her.

I’m in a place now where I don’t care what other people think. I have to live my life and I’m very happy. I wish that for my sister. Hopefully she’ll find someone who can make her happy and be good to her without having to go through all the things I did.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Metamorphosis of my black man

Our marriage counselor went on maternity leave this week. My husband had to do overtime and we had to cancel our last session. We won't see her again until May. Surprisingly, he was more upset than I was. She has really helped us work our way through a lot of issues. It feels like it's too soon to stop, but we really don't want to see anyone else.

Neither one of us knew what to expect when we first started counseling. My mind was a lot more open than my husband's, but I was still cautious. Neither one of us really like telling people our business, but we knew we had to try something if we were going to have any chance of saving our marriage. Well, actually, I didn't know if I was going to stay. It all depended on how things worked out.

My husband, who thought he was going for me, ended up getting a lot out of our sessions. He realized a lot of things about himself and how his past has affected him. It wasn't easy for him to admit certain things, but he did. Trust me when I tell you, it was very hard for him to do that. He's just not that type. He use to think that looking to the past was a stupid excuse and that you are who you make yourself to be. His eyes have been opened. He looks for deeper issues in everything now.

Therapy has opened my husband's eyes to a lot of things and it's all because he was so open from the beginning. I am actually in awe of his progress. He still has some things he needs to work on, but I see so much improvement that I can't help but be there for him. He's trying so hard. There was a time when our marriage counselor suggested we each get individual therapy. My husband adamantly declared he did not need to do that. At our last session, he informed us that he was ready to, "give it a try." Neither our marriage counselor or I could contain the shock on our faces.

It's always been hard for my husband to admit when he's wrong, or apologize. That has definitely changed. He's become much more empathetic. Our kids have even noticed. They don't know we're going to counseling, but they have noticed that things are much better between us and their father is home a lot more often and much more involved in the family. He was there before, but always seemed preoccupied. That has definitely changed. He's a happier person.

I always felt like I stayed with my husband because I was looking back to the past. I couldn't forget the young man I fell in love with. He had a huge heart and would do anything for me. He treated me like a queen and we were one. I was holding on to that. I knew that young man was inside of the man he became and I couldn't let go, hoping he would come back to me.

For the first time in a long time, I see flashes of that young man. He is now mature, open, willing, and emotionally informed. He is learning how to deal with things in a manner that leads to solutions. He's still a work in progress, but he's getting there. He's finally willing to let go of childish things and put in the work. It's a beautiful thing.

I have finally let go of the man he was and accepted him for the man he has become.