Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Life is what you make it. I'm trying to make the best of mine but something always seems to get in the way. No complaints. I'm just moving along and trying to get the nut that all squirrels like me need to survive.
My husband and I are okay. It's nothing to write home about. At times I feel like we're best friends who have sex once in a while. It doesn't happen that often. We had some terrible sex the other day that left me with my lips twisted and my kitty unsatisfied. It was.....Man, I have no idea what the hell it was. I do know that he fell asleep.
Anyway, on to the next. I found out that my daughter, who's been the bane of my existence, has been clinically depressed for years. She has been in therapy since her senior year in high school. She didn't tell anyone. My daughter has been curled up into a sad ball for years.
She dealt with it on her own because she thought I had enough on my mind between her father's behavior and the money problems we were having at the time. Boy did that make me feel great. What a wonderful mother I was. I felt like a complete and total failure. I cried for a few days after she finally decided to tell me what she'd been going through.
I was fine after a while. We talked and my daughter actually said she felt better about our relationship. It was one of those tears flowing, snot running, soul bearing types of conversations. I actually felt a lot better afterwards....But
It's very hard to deal with the situation. My daughter's attitude is very nasty. She leaves dishes in the sink like she expects us to wash them for her. She uses the bathroom, finishes the roll of toilet tissue, and walks out and leaves it for the next person to change. She's annoying, defensive, anti-social, entitled, and oh yeah, depressed.
I feel like everything I say and do is under her microscope. I walk on egg shells because I don't want to hurt her feelings. When your child tells you they've had thoughts of suicide you don't really want to yell at them for leaving dishes in the sink. When you go into her room and she's lying in bed crying, you don't want to ask her why she didn't replace the toilet tissue.
What's a mother to do?
I thought we were going to work on our relationship but she's still locking herself in her room. When I ask her how she's feeling she just says, "Fine." When she's crying and I ask if she wants to talk she says, "I'll be okay." What do you do when you extend the olive branch and it's thrown back in your face?
At this point i'm not feeling as guilty. I'm tired of dealing with her. I don't know what to do. Giving up is not something I want to do. I'd love to hang in there. I'm trying, I really am. It's just not easy.
I'd love to enjoy a block of time where I can just live and not worry. I want to be a good mother and wife but I also want to have a life. My husband and daughter are the only people who seem to always make my life difficult. He's not as bad lately. She, however, always seems to come up with something.
If i'm being honest, I have to admit that i'm ready for my daughter to move out. I think we need our freedom. This is the place where I can be honest. I'm sick and tired, tired and sick. I want to live my life! Too bad. You can't kick a clinically depressed child out.
Oh yeah, I decided not to deal with the guy I exchanged numbers with. He called me five times and sent me three text messages the day I gave him my number. Not a good sign. I told him I had some things going on that he probably didn't want to be dragged into. No fun. I just wanted to have fun and see what happened. Oh well...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The plot of my life seems to do nothing but thicken. So here we go...
I was at work minding my own business this morning when someone I know in passing came to talk to me. It took me a minute to realize that the talking had moved to flirting. The flirting moved to us looking into one another's eyes and that led to him giving me his number.
I'm not one to talk to men or flirt. I usually have so much on my mind that i'm just moving along. If men speak to me, I smile and that's about it. In this instance there was nowhere for me to go and I didn't really mind. I felt like a woman.
We talked for a little while and he told me that I was mysterious. I said, "That's a good thing." He just smiled and said, "No it's not." I told him if he wanted predictable he was talking to the wrong woman. Was this me talking or was I having an out of body experience. I've been with my husband so long that I thought I had forgot how to talk to men. I'm not even sure I ever knew. I've been with him since I was a teenager.
I took the number. He asked me for a piece of paper and I knew what that meant. My body got up faster than I wanted it to and I found paper and pen for him. I didn't even know his name. We would say hello if we passed in the hall but never had a real conversation. I don't have a lot of conversations. All I do is think about the new bull shit going on in my life.
That's his name. It doesn't really fit. He's a m-a-n and that name is not what I expected him to write down. He kept looking at me with this confused look on his face. When I asked him why he was looking at me like that all he could say was, "You are something else." I'm not sure what he meant by that. I just know I was enjoying the back and forth. I'm very sarcastic and it takes a thick skin to keep up with me. He didn't have a problem with it at all.
What the hell am I doing? Should I have talked to him? I know i'll see him again. What am I going to say when he asks why I didn't call. Should I call? Will I call? I know I want to, but would it be a good idea? Should I use the excuse that my husband has cheated for most of our marriage and now it's my turn to have some fun? Does it matter that my husband and I are getting along really well right now?
I'm not sure what's going to happen. I have slept with the same man more than half of my life and he has slept with Lord knows how many women. I don't feel guilty about flirting or even taking the number. I'm actually feeling a little giddy. They say that everything happens for a reason. What could the reason be? To make me feel like a woman? Am I being testing?
What if I talk to him and I like him? Have I gotten myself into something I cannot handle? Why the hell is a simple phone number spinning me around this way? It's not that i'm out of practice. I guess it's because i've never been in the game. Is this even a game I want to play?
Umm, I gave him my number. What if he calls?
Monday, January 11, 2010
I'm doing pretty good. My marriage is improving and that's a good thing. I'm not delving into the who, what, or when. I'm just living my life with the man I love. I figure things will work themselves out. Thinking, wondering, and snooping is not going to do me any good. All those things do is make me more confused and unable to function.
My household is a lot happier. The only problem is the dark cloud my daughter brings when she's at home. I don't know what the problem is. Things were going great and she reverted back to the hermit she was before. I don't understand it at all. To be very honest i'm sick of it. It's time for her to go.
The entire family has been working together. We've been spending time together and making sure to have family outings when we can. My daughter only goes if it's a special occasion. The only time she wants to be bothered is if it's a holiday or someone's birthday. You get the picture.
Her attitude is very nasty. I'm having a hard time dealing with it. She comes home from work late, after the kitchen has been cleaned, and puts her dishes in the sink. This pisses me off to no end. Her father doesn't say anything about it, he just washes the dishes and complains to me. When I finally had enough and said something to her she acted like a wounded puppy.
How long am I suppose to feel bad for her? I know she has some issues with the way she was raised and a lot of them are valid. Am I suppose to pay for her hurt for the rest of my life? Does she have the right to act like a victim forever? If we are all trying to heal, and making a lot of progress, shouldn't she at least try to get on board? It's so annoying.
I have tried. I offered to sit down and talk and she didn't want to do that. What am I suppose to do? All I want to do is live a happy life. I want my children to be happy. I really do. I'm not going to kill myself trying to do that anymore. I have children who want to be a part of my life. There's no way i'm going to use up all my energy coddling one, even when I want to. I just can't do it anymore.
I'll never say i'm done with my child. I will never give up on her, but I am taking a step back. Do I wish we had a better relationship? Of course I do. I feel like the one we have now is basically non-existent. We barely talk. It's not my choice but i'm not going to kiss her ass anymore. All I can do is love her and let her find whatever it is she's looking for. I just hope she finds it real soon because I don't think I can take the attitude anymore.