Wednesday, May 6, 2009
It’s hump day and I feel like I’m overcoming a big ass hump of my life. Is it wrong if I am to the point where I just don’t give a damn about what people are feeling? I’ve spent a lot of years putting myself on the back burner so that others could be happy. I do it at home and I’ve done it at work. I’m tired of that shit! I’m trying to live. A lot of life has passed me by and I let it happen. I stayed home and raised my children while their father lived the life of a bachelor and allowed myself to get lost, even though I knew it wasn’t what I deserved.
I gave my power away to others and convinced myself that I couldn’t do anything about it when I knew better. Why? I’m not sure I can answer that. There’s really no excuse and I won’t try to act otherwise. I’m close to 50 years old and I’m starting over. In some ways it’s a beautiful thing and in a lot of ways it’s pathetic as hell. This is the time when I should be enjoying life, not figuring it out. My questions and answer period should be done.
My husband has had his time and it’s nice that he has come around but why did I let him get away with so much? In my mind it’s not about rethinking the past, but in my heart I’m feeling like I shouldn’t let it go. All I can say is he’s lucky I love him so much and decided against seeing my murder plots through. He doesn’t even know that I held a knife to his throat while he was sleeping on more than one occasion. It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t his fault that I allowed him to kill my spirit. I knew I couldn’t take his life as payment for the soul I allowed him to trample on. That was on me, so I accepted it and continued to live my shell of a life. I was only existing. There was not living involved.
Fast forward to the now. I’m more in love with my husband than I’ve been in years and I can actually say that I don’t think he is cheating and believe it. He takes time to do the little things that mean so much and we talk about our dreams and goals for the future. That is something we never did and we’ve been together for a lot of years. It feels good. We make sure to do things together and he spends a lot of quality time with his children. They seem to be happier than they’ve been in a long time. Well, most of them are happier.
That brings me to my daughter. When I first found out about her feelings, I was torn up inside. I felt so bad and it was all I could think of. It was heartbreaking to find out that our relationship was not what I thought. I went back and forth trying to figure out how to fix things. I almost went crazy because my mind was racing so much.
It's been a few weeks and at this point I don't really care as much. I know my daughter takes every issue and thinks it into the ground. As I live with the young woman who spends all of her home time in her bedroom, puts dishes in an empty sink and doesn't even think about washing them, leaves her crap all over the place expecting others to clean it up, and just walks around like we all owe her something, it's hard for me to be as upset about the way she feels. I won't say I don't care. I'll just say I have decided to move on with my life.
I have issues with my mother but I don't blame her for a damned thing. It was my choice not to talk to her about the way I feel, so i'm dealing with it. We have a decent relationship and that's good enough. I really don't think my daughter wants to move on. I think she enjoys holding this over me.
At some point I have to worry about my emotions and well-being. This is that point. I'm going to be selfish. That is something I havent' done in years. Allowing people to make me feel bad about me or what I have or haven't done is over. I gotta live.