Thursday, June 11, 2009
I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. If this would have happened then it would have destroyed me. I would have crawled up into my regular ball and felt like dying. Things are so damned different this time. I am so over this situation that I really don't have time to dwell on it. If my husband wants to conduct himself like a horny teenaged boy with no control he can have at it. I'm a grown ass woman and will continue to act like one.
If I had not taken this journey seriously, and changed a lot of things about myself, he would be dead or in the hospital right now. I seriously contemplated killing him. I probably could have pleaded temporary insanity after all that he has put me through. I think I was insane. How could I have put up with all his shit? Is love really that deep? Why was I a fool for it? It's not like I needed him in my life.
The people who know keep asking me if i'm alright and when I tell them that I am they don't believe me. I'm not lying at all. I feel fine. Like I said in my previous post, I gave him a chance and he messed it up. I did my part. It's time for me to move on. The only problem is he won't move on, I mean out. He's determined to stay and wait it out.
I know he thinks things will smooth out and i'll forgive him. He's totally wrong. I have checked out. My heart is closed to him. He's stepped on it too many times and i'm not going to let it happen again. I will always love him, but that love seems to come with so many bad memories that I don't want to deal with it.
He's been cooking and cleaning all week long, like that's going to change something. He usually hangs out with his friends every Thursday and tonight he has decided to stay home. I don't know why he's wasting his time. There is nothing he can say or do that will change things at this point. I wish him well. I know that my life will be much better without the stress of his bullshit following me around.
The journey continues. Who knows where it will lead...