Saturday, April 11, 2009

That's What I Get For Looking Part 3 - The Letter/Conversation

So, I woke up with my daughter on my mind. She spent the night with her college friend and I went out to dinner with my husband. I did a lot of praying and asked God to help me decide whether or not I should tell him about what was going on. As we were eating and having a good time, something told me to wait. I stopped thinking about it and enjoyed the time we were spending together.

When I got up this morning, I tried to decide what would be the right thing to do. I really wanted to talk to her, but she said she wasn't ready. After a lot of thought, I sat down and wrote her a five page letter. I poured my heart out and tried to make her understand some of the things that I felt have affected our relationship. I left the letter on her bed and began to clean the house.

The rest of the kids have already left so I figured one good cleaning should do it for the week. My husband was at work and I had the place to myself. I do my best thinking while I clean. All I could think of was what her reaction would be when she read the letter. I poured all of my nervous energy into my cleaning.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest when I heard my daughter come in. I was cleaning one of the bathrooms and I heard her door close. She knocked on the door and said hello and went back into her room to pack for her trip. About ten minutes later I heard her outside the bathroom door. I asked if she needed to come in and she said no and went back into her room.

I decided to go and knock on her door and she asked if we could talk when I was done cleaning. She had tears in her eyes and I told her the cleaning could wait. We had a nice talk. She said she has had a lot of resentment and anger for a long time because she felt like she did not have a childhood. She felt like our relationship revolved around what her father was or was not doing. She's impressed by the changes he is making but feels like she is just getting to know him.

A lot was said. We talked and cried and I apologized. I wish I could tell her that I know the extent of her issues, but I could not say anything. She only went so far. Even though it was a good talk, I know that she did not even scratch the surface of her pain. She said she doesn't harbor the bad feelings she had and would rather work on the future instead of concentrating on the past.

I gave my daughter the opportunity to tell me how she really feels, but she didn't really take it. She sugar coated things. I know that I am her mother and saying certain things to your mother is not easy. I'm going to keep working on it. She has a lot that she needs to get off her chest. Today's conversation was a good start. I feel like our relationship will eventually be repaired. I know that I will definitely work toward that happening.

We ended with a hug and she continued to pack and get ready for her trip. After she left, I tried to think of ways that I can help her. I'm glad she's going to therapy and I really hope it is beneficial. She's been going for a couple months. She didn't mention it when we talked. I'm just happy she is trying to get some help and it impresses me that she took that step. She could have turned to alcohol, drugs, or even sex, to ease her pain but she didn't.

My daughter said she knows we did the best we could and she appreciates that. She also said that we have had a lot of good times and good things happen in our family, but the bad just seem to stick out. I felt like she was trying to make me feel better. I guess she can't help it. I know she loves me despite my faults. We promised to be honest with one another from now on. She said she would tell me if I did or said something that hurt her, but i'm not sure she can. My child lives in her head and she thinks things into the ground. I know that is part of the reason she is going through so much.

I really do not know where to go from here. I pray that I figure out the path that I am suppose to take. I love my daughter with all of my heart and, no matter what it takes, i'm going to do my best to make sure she is okay.


Dabizniz said...

I trust that everything will work out. You both are handling it well as you both have the others interest at heart

thegayte-keeper said...

things will be fine with you, her and your family...try to remember that one bad day will ALWAYS stick out in the minds of others...just do what comes naturally and all will be well in time...

n0days0ff said...

me and my mom had one of those talks when i was 19 and cleared out all the issues we had between us . i have to read the previous post and get the backstory

Scorned Woman said...

I've had time to process everything and I really feel like things are going to work out. Everything happens for a reason and I think this was suppose to happen.

Lil Honey B said...

I am happy for the progress you and your daughter have made so far...

D-Place said...

I think this was a great start and she's opening up to you the best way she knows how. If she doesn't tell you everything that you read in her journal...Don't worry about it just know your both wanting the same thing.

Sunshinelovespeace said...

First I would like to say that it is a great thing that you read the journal entry and got a chance to really see how your daughter has been feeling. But also take it with a grain of salt. What she wrote was in the privacy of her diary meaning she could be as free or vulgar as she needed to be at the time that she wrote it. We all write things in our diary that seem very harsh and thats because we know no one will see it but us and we will never have to explain it. Even though what she wrote was harsh, in reality, you should add some water to it and dilute it a little and then you'll get what she really feels.

I feel like I was in the same shoes as your daughter. My mother and father did not have the best relationship and infidelity was a big portion of their troubles. I really harbored some ill feelings towards my mother as a result. But for me it was mostly because she lived in denial. Instead of focusing on the problems she was having in her marriage she pretended like everything was perfect. We all learned to pretend that we were living the real live version of the cosby's.
As I got a little older I would try to talk to my mother about what was going on, and she made excuses for my father. In my mind that was unacceptable and from then on she and I had a horrible relationship. When I became 18 I left home and basically cut her out of my life in many ways. My mother died in 2006 when I was just 24. We never resolved our issues before then.
You and your daughter on the other hand have a chance. I think you need to be as honest with her as possible. She is not going to understand why you may have done some of the things that you did because she is too young and does not have a family of her own. But I think that with your honesty she will be able to see you as a woman instead of just her mother. We are all pretty hard on our mothers. We see them as super human and hold them to a higher standard than anyone else on earth. I am sure a lot of her hurt stems from her unrealistic expecatations of you. But as she gets older and starts living her life as a woman and a wife and mother it will make more sense. Just be open.

I am rooting for you!!!!

rethots said...

...started from the first, but, tried not to make comments 'cos was not reading (the posts) in real time (afterall, events would have definitely overtaken then).

However, in this case (have felt same before but, let it pass) i think you like to 'proof' a point (hmmm, hope that captures it, or maybe you like to get to the bottom of times) but, i daresay, it may not always be the expedient thing to do (not 'cos it is wrong tho').

Like your daughter said; "...would rather work on the future instead of concentrating on the past." eventhough i would rather know, sometimes i think we should just forget the past and move on.