Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Distance


It was so easy to say that I thought things would work out between my daughter and I when she was away. You could not tell me I didn't have it all figured out. Now that she has been home for a little while, i'm realzing that not only do I not have the answers, there's a distance between us.

My daughter has actually put some distance between herself and our entire family. She gets up in the morning, goes to work, does whatever she needs to do when she gets off, comes home, says hello and kisses everyone, and retreats to her room. The only time we see her is when she's getting something to eat or going to the bathroom.

I'm not really sure what to do. How do you try to help someone who doesn't really want to be helped? The situation is really, really difficult. I want to be the mother she says she needs, but how do I do that if she is shutting me out? On one hand she's my daughter and I want to make sure she is okay, but on the other hand she is a grown ass woman and I don't want to invade her space.

I was in the livingroom watching television with a couple of my kids the other day. When I heard my daughter's keys turning the lock I got a knot in my stomach. Knowing what I know has really done a job on the way I feel about her. She feels the way she feels and I totally understand and would never devalue that. The thing is, I know that she thinks everything into the ground. I was nowhere near perfect, but I know that I was not a terrible mother. I'm trying with all of my heart to see things from her side but it's hard knowing you're being blamed for things you're not sure you're responsible for.

I save everything my kids give me. My husband and I were doing some cleaning the other day and I came across some letters my daughter wrote me. The emotions I felt reading them this time were very different from when I first received them. When I first read her words telling me how much she depended on me and how I was always there for her I felt proud. Now i'm not sure what to feel. Was she lying? Was she trying to make me feel better? Did she not mean any of those words?

It's so crazy because I have always prided myself on being the mom whose kids talk to them about any and everything. I have always told my children that they can come to me with anything and they do. After the episode with my daughter, i'm starting to question my relationships with all of my children. I even sat down with each of them to reiterate that I am always here. They all said they knew, but in the back of my mind I wonder. I don't want to second guess my ability as a mother, but should I?

This is not how I want things to be. My marriage counselor comes back next week and i'm trying to decide whether or not I should bring this whole situation up. I need my husband's help, but i'm not sure I want to tell him how I found out about what's going on with our daughter. I gave him a tidbit, but he doesn't know the whole story. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. I just know something's got to give.

8 comments:

Kingsmomma said...

I think you and your daughter so have some quality time together. Spend a few days alone with each other and it will naturally come pouring out. Just as you feel the tension i am sure she does as well. You also want to make sure her distance isn't a result of some personal issue she is facing at the moment. Perhaps yuor marriage counselor can recommend someone for you and your daughter

Scorned Woman said...

Kingsmomma - I just made the appointment with our marriage counselor and decided that I would ask her for some advice. I need help dealing with this situation. I definitely think my daughter is going through something on her own but I also think you're right when you say we need time together. The only problem is, she's so closed off that i'm not sure how receptive she will be to the idea.

Oyin said...

wow....I agree with kingsmomma...I think you and your daughter should have taken that time out to be together. Go shopping and out to lunch, and talk about the issue. I always have issues with my daughter as well...


Good Luck!

justdoyin said...

Kingsmomma has got it right, n I'm glad u'v made dat appointment...above that though, I'd strongly advise u take d issue 2 God in prayer...He listens n He answers...all d best...

doll said...

Just be easy on her...kids need their own space you know

thegayte-keeper said...

well you can't find the answers for something you didn't create all on your own first of all...secondly your daughter is going through the things that took you away from her and both of you have to find a way to get back there...the letters she wrote to you are real and honest and I am sure she meant them, however life can play tricks on us and sometimes we need to be reminded of who loves us and is there for us...I can't wait to see what happens @ your next session, I think you are going to have to bring up this situation and get her advice about family counseling.

thegayte-keeper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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