Friday, June 12, 2009

The Saga Continues


When I opened my eyes at 5:30 this morning the first thing I saw was a white piece of paper on the dinner tray I left up the night before that said, "Please read." I wasn't sure if I wanted to read it. My first instinct was to tear it up and move on. Curiosity got the best of me and I read it. This is what it said:

Good morning,

I know I have messed up really bad with you and you have no trust for me. When we first started going to counseling I really felt I had no chance, but after a while I saw you becoming relaxed and happy. I started feeling better about myself because of you. I began to feel like we really had a chance and that you may actually trust me one day.

Recently I found out that you were lying and wasn't really giving me the benefit of being trusted again. It wouldn't have bothered me before but I really committed after going to therapy. We were making changes. I went to therapy for you and me. I thought it was a chance for me to be trusted by you again. This is why I need to tell you again that the way things came out of my mouth was not what was intended.

I'm really not trying to lose you. I already knew we had issues. Why would I do some disrespectful shit like that and make matters worse? I know you are in pain because I can feel it to the point that I am sick and weak. I love you more than you know. I also keep wondering why no one said anything to me if they thought I was doing something wrong. Instead they held it in until later to tell you like it was some big secret. Anyway, i'm not going to dwell on that.

Please don't leave me. I need you and I love you. If you had just a little trust in me this may not have gone so far. I really do love you and I did not do this. Just because someone looks guilty it doesn't mean they are.

I have been feeling strong since this whole ordeal started. Before I went to bed I wrote in my journal, "I will not cry. He does not deserve my tears." I was so mad at myself when I cried after reading the letter. I really want the things he wrote to be true. I don't want to leave my husband, but I feel like I have no choice.

I sat for a few minutes and tried to decide what to do. I did not want to call him so I sent him a text message instead. Well, I sent three. Here's what happened:

Me:

I would never strictly go by what someone saw. It wasn't even the first time you tried to get with this woman, and I was in the vicinity both times. I am so disgusted that I can't even look at you. I'm tired of all this mess. I just want to live my life and not carry this garbage around. I'm sorry you feel bad. It's the way i've been feeling for a long time. You went to therapy because you fucked up so much that you didn't have a choice.

Him:

Then that's it? For something I did not do?

Me:

I'm not sure what you want from me. It's like you think i'm your doormat and I will just believe anything you say. I'm not stupid! I don't want to hear you telling me ten years down that road that you did this. You need to man up and be honest and stop treating me like i'm dumb. It pisses me off. I spoke to her and people who saw and heard and it's not who you think.

Him:

No response

Me:

I love you to death and I always will. I know that you are my soul mate. It's too bad you don't respect me as a woman and as your wife.

Him:

I do you just don't acknowledge it. I would like to be treated like a man and a husband. (I have no idea what he meant by that)

I really do love this man. The problem is i've put him before myself for too many years. I can't do it anymore. I really don't want to end my marriage but at this point I feel like I have no choice. It's a sad situation. I really want to believe him but things just don't add up. I'm beginning to feel the pain that I didn't want to deal with. I was content and happy that things were ending and now reality is setting in.

I called our marriage counselor and told her we will not be coming back. I made an appointment to see her alone. If I am really going to move on I need some help. I've gone through a lot over the years and parts of me are still damaged. Wow! My marriage is coming to an end. I can't believe it.

13 comments:

Kingsmomma said...

Wow, this sounds like some of the letters I'd been receiving as of late.

I would have believed his sincerity had he tried to place the blame on you for not trusting him. Had he wrote teh note strictly explaining himself and taking accountability for his actions I would have at least thought to say perhaps he is a changed person but his mentality allowed him to condone his actions and as long as he has that thought pattern he will remain the person that he is. I'm sure he's very sorry and i'm sure he's very hurt but as you said you've put yourself last too many times and it's time you begin living for you.

You wrote that you will not cry becuase he doesn't deserve your tears.
He doesn't, your efforts and yourself deserve the opportunity to mourn. Allow them to. Don'tbeat yourself up for crying. You're not crying over him, you're crying over the loss of your dream and the ending of a chapter. The sun will shine again.

Stay strong and I wish you nothing but positivity on your upcoming journey.

juiceegal said...

Now this is more like this......wen u said u felt nothin in ur last two posts, i was like really??
Reality only just dawned on u.I love ur courage and honesty.
Make the right choice and stick with it.You'll still have my supportt whichever way u decide to go.Takia nd be strong.

doll said...

take a hug

Tigeress said...

I cant say i know how you feel. But your husband really seems he loves you. when it comes to men i've come to realize that love doesnt include their private bits. Maybe you shld just try seperation rather than divorce. At least if you're seperate- u guys can do the whole dating thing.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do- my heart goes out to you. And i pray God will give you strength.

MPB said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I have been following your blog and hoped things would continue to get better with your marriage and daughter. Whatever you decide, I truly wish you strength, grace, joy and peace of mind.

Lil Honey B said...

Damn!!! I again I commed your stregth and courage....

thegayte-keeper said...

I like you want to believe him but I just don't know...

Nice Anon said...

Most men will never take the blame for things like that. Really sucks with the way everything is going now.

Lynn said...

Whatever happens, stay strong, stay healthy for yourself first and foremost, and see how he reacts when he sees what he's missing.

My best, Lynn

Dabizniz said...

I feel your pain being someone that knows firsthand what you are going through. I had to come out of semi retirement to offer my support.

I am so sorry that you feel time has been wasted but there is no quick fix and sometimes we have to fight for what's ours. I hope this is a pitfall on the road not a u-turn. I pray that you find the happiness you yearn...

BeeKay said...

Normally i don't comment on blogs and all that... just read and go.. but am sorry i have to say.. i've read through ur post (not from the beginning though) but i feel i have read enough... he's cheated on you before.. right?.. and you say.. that ur sister/friend (cant remember) saw him and all that...

personally i think divorcing him is not the answer.. i agree with Tigress.. try a seperation a divorce is extreme... the guy is obviously in pain and the fact you don't want to believe him. You didn't see him sleeping with her with your own eyes did you??

the fact that he's cheated on you before.. everyone is going to second guess anytime he's talking to a girl or whatever, sort of like "you only see what your eyes want you to see", the fact that you've been waiting for him to make this mistake again.. definitly counts.. your a black woman!! fight for your man!!! if its the fact that he's talking to girl is upsetting you and will be misread as emotional cheating.. tell him that!, he might now know that you are reading it like that.. trust me
guys and men are dumb like that.. becuase of what you heard you want to throw away a marriage... no man.. MArriage is sacred.. don't lose it..... i wish you the best in whatever you do..

Enkay said...

And here I was thinking things would sort themselves out somehow.
Sounds like you've made up your mind.

Could this be a case of expecting something bad to happen and then throwing in the towel when it finally does?

I'm so sorry dear.

I'm still hoping things turn out right eventually. I pray that somehow, you guys'll work it out.

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