Friday, June 12, 2009
The Saga Continues
When I opened my eyes at 5:30 this morning the first thing I saw was a white piece of paper on the dinner tray I left up the night before that said, "Please read." I wasn't sure if I wanted to read it. My first instinct was to tear it up and move on. Curiosity got the best of me and I read it. This is what it said:
I know I have messed up really bad with you and you have no trust for me. When we first started going to counseling I really felt I had no chance, but after a while I saw you becoming relaxed and happy. I started feeling better about myself because of you. I began to feel like we really had a chance and that you may actually trust me one day.
Recently I found out that you were lying and wasn't really giving me the benefit of being trusted again. It wouldn't have bothered me before but I really committed after going to therapy. We were making changes. I went to therapy for you and me. I thought it was a chance for me to be trusted by you again. This is why I need to tell you again that the way things came out of my mouth was not what was intended.
I'm really not trying to lose you. I already knew we had issues. Why would I do some disrespectful shit like that and make matters worse? I know you are in pain because I can feel it to the point that I am sick and weak. I love you more than you know. I also keep wondering why no one said anything to me if they thought I was doing something wrong. Instead they held it in until later to tell you like it was some big secret. Anyway, i'm not going to dwell on that.
Please don't leave me. I need you and I love you. If you had just a little trust in me this may not have gone so far. I really do love you and I did not do this. Just because someone looks guilty it doesn't mean they are.
I have been feeling strong since this whole ordeal started. Before I went to bed I wrote in my journal, "I will not cry. He does not deserve my tears." I was so mad at myself when I cried after reading the letter. I really want the things he wrote to be true. I don't want to leave my husband, but I feel like I have no choice.
I sat for a few minutes and tried to decide what to do. I did not want to call him so I sent him a text message instead. Well, I sent three. Here's what happened:
I would never strictly go by what someone saw. It wasn't even the first time you tried to get with this woman, and I was in the vicinity both times. I am so disgusted that I can't even look at you. I'm tired of all this mess. I just want to live my life and not carry this garbage around. I'm sorry you feel bad. It's the way i've been feeling for a long time. You went to therapy because you fucked up so much that you didn't have a choice.
Then that's it? For something I did not do?
I'm not sure what you want from me. It's like you think i'm your doormat and I will just believe anything you say. I'm not stupid! I don't want to hear you telling me ten years down that road that you did this. You need to man up and be honest and stop treating me like i'm dumb. It pisses me off. I spoke to her and people who saw and heard and it's not who you think.
I love you to death and I always will. I know that you are my soul mate. It's too bad you don't respect me as a woman and as your wife.
I do you just don't acknowledge it. I would like to be treated like a man and a husband. (I have no idea what he meant by that)
I really do love this man. The problem is i've put him before myself for too many years. I can't do it anymore. I really don't want to end my marriage but at this point I feel like I have no choice. It's a sad situation. I really want to believe him but things just don't add up. I'm beginning to feel the pain that I didn't want to deal with. I was content and happy that things were ending and now reality is setting in.
I called our marriage counselor and told her we will not be coming back. I made an appointment to see her alone. If I am really going to move on I need some help. I've gone through a lot over the years and parts of me are still damaged. Wow! My marriage is coming to an end. I can't believe it.