Thursday, August 20, 2009
I've been so busy lately that I hardly have time to breathe. I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately and wanted to update what's been going on with me.
I don't have any contact with my sister. I called her a few weeks ago and we talked. Well, actually I did most of the talking. She didn't have much to say. I'm sure she thinks she is innocent in the situation. At this point I can honestly say I don't give a damn. I'm not living my life according to what others think anymore.
I love my sister and don't want anything to happen to her but she made her opinion of my life and decsions very clear. I'm not harping on anyone's judgment of me. She has done and continues to do a lot of things that I do not agree with but I have never judged her or treated her any differently. I wish her well and don't have time to think about her holding that gavel in her hand.
I'm still not really feeling my husband. We go out and have a good time together but we've had sex once since everything happened in June. I'm not into it. He knows how I get when things are incomplete.
In a perfect world I would be on my own. It's just not financially feasible right now. We just got tagged with a huge IRS bill because the chick that did our taxes totally mislead us on a lot of things. We trusted her and ended up in a big ass jam. I'm so upset. When the uncle we all hate comes knocking you have to answer the door or he will destory your life.....THE BASTARD!
My children are all doing wonderful and my relationship with my daughter is better than ever. I'm so happy about that. We've grown much closer and she is much more involved with the family. Her job situation is great and she's in the process of looking for a place. I think that is a great idea. It's time for her to get out into the world and discover new things.
I've been having a lot of fun and doing things on my own. I make sure to go out at least once a week without my husband. He is no longer the focus of my existence. He has noticed that and I think he is scared. He tries to act like he's happy that I am trying to carve out a new social life for myself but I know that is not 100% true. He's done so much wrong that he doesn't know what i'll let happen. To be honest, I don't either.
The first time I went out with my girlfriend he called my cell phone a few times and I didn't answer. I called him back when I was on my way home and he tried to start an argument with me. I wasn't trying to get into an argument for doing something he does all the time. I told him he was wasting his breath and kept it moving. I've been going strong ever since.
I am finally allowing myself to have a life of choices. I got out when I choose to. I have made the choice not to feed into my husband's childish behavior and have stupid arguments that lead nowhere (he's good for that). If I choose to have sex with him I will. Right now that's not what I want.
Right now I choose to stay with my husband and see how things go. I'm taking life one day at a time and trying to find the me I should have been looking for a long time ago. I'm not going to over think things like I usually do. I refuse to become stressed out. That has always been a big problem for me.
I am determined to enjoy life. I've spent too many years with a wrinkled forehead. I'm letting go of all the old stuff bit by bit and smiling a lot more. My freedom has been imprisoned for too long. I'm setting myself free and living my life like it's golden. I know there will be bumps along the way but if I don't start taking my life back i'll never be free.
I'm taking a short trip with my girlfriends and her sister in a couple weeks and i'm so excited. We're not leaving the country. It's just a short getaway. I'm looking forward to clearing my head and having a good time. I'm choosing to improve the things i've been complaining about and do my best to make the most of my life.