Friday, June 19, 2009

What now?

I'm starting to question so many things. I'm not sure what the hell went on at that party anymore. Things seemed so clear in the beginning. It was easy to wash my hands of my marriage when I hadn't really spoken to my husband. Things have definitely changed since my last post.

I went to see our marriage counselor on my own. She's so easy to talk to. I told her what happened and it felt so good to get all of that mess off my chest. She feels that in order for me to come to a decision, I need to understand what all of this means to me and figure out why I don't seem to be able to break away from a marriage that may not be as healthy as it should be. Basically, she thinks I need to do some soul searching. I think she's right.

After the letter and the text messages I decided to call my husband and ask him if he wanted to sit down and talk. It was my intention to tell him that our marriage was over and I wanted a divorce. I went back and forth all day and felt that I had the strength to do so. What else could I do? I had already told him that he had run out of chances. I couldn't turn back.

We went and sat on a park bench when I got off work. The conversation did not immediately turn to all the drama. There was an incident at his job that really bothered him and I let him talk it out. To be honest I wasn't really in a rush to talk about what transpired and how I was feeling. I didn't really want to deal with it but knew I had no choice.

I told him how I felt about everything. I tried really hard not to forget anything. It was very important that I got everything off my chest. I gave him the floor and when he was done, my mind went into a tailspin. He was so convincing. The man was adamant when he told me that he would never do something like that to me. He said the whole thing was a misunderstanding and professed his love for me. We had a really good talk. When it ended I was more confused than ever.

It was easy to say it's over and i'm getting a divorce when I wasn't speaking to, or dealing with, my husband. Things are different when you look into the eyes of the person you have loved for so many years and they are telling you that they would never do what they're accused of doing.

When we talked my husband said he wondered why no one said anything to him if they thought he was doing something inappropriate. My sister said she went up to him and asked him what he was doing. I love my sister, but I also know how she feels about my husband. She knows about some of the things he has done in the past and would be very happy if our marriage ended. As I think about the situation it would not surprise me if she blew it up to be more than it actually was. She told me she hates my husband and i'm too good for him. I'm pretty sure she would do almost anything she could to insure that I left him.

I spoke to the woman he was suppose to have approached through email and she didn't really give any detail. She would only say that she could not believe he would do something like that while I was standing outside waiting. Actually, I spoke to everyone involved (those who saw and heard things), except one person up until yesterday.

One of the missing pieces of the puzzle was my husband's cousin. He told me she was there the whole time. I finally got in touch with her yesterday and she said she did not hear him ask for the number, but was there while they were talking. She said she did not see or hear anything out of the ordinary. Her advice was to make my decision with an open heart and not to worry about what people think.

My husband and I spoke again yesterday. We talked about several parts of our relationship. He said a lot of good things. My confusion seems to deepen every day. I went from being 100% sure I was done to having no idea where to turn. Love really makes you do crazy things. It makes you do things you never thought possible. Part of me believes him and other parts of me doesn't.

My mind and heart are battling right now. My mind says things don't add up, but my heart is full of love for my husband. My mind says I should cut my losses now, but my heart says he seemed so honest when we talked by the park. I know my husband very well and he did not seem to be lying. At the same time, there are a few things that make me think his story isn't true.

So what do I do? Do I stay with the man who has cheated on me in the past and assume that he is guilty? Do I go with my heart and be with the man I love? It's a hard decision. I don't want to make a mistake and end up being with someone who is lying to me and making me look like a fool. We were on the couch watching television yesterday and he put his head in my lap. It felt so right. My heart was hardened to him when all of this drama began and now it's starting to melt.

What's a girl to do?

9 comments:

thegayte-keeper said...

This is such a tough decision, but I would tell that you should follow your heart, but keep your eyes open...it could be that he almost had a relapse and caught himself but not before others did...so allow your heart to answer the questions your mind can't reconcile...you've given him a fair shake, now do it for yourself...

Sunshinelovespeace said...

If you love the man and are in love with him (not just afriad of leaving and starting over) stay with him. Another thing to conseider : do you feel he is capable of loving you the way that you need to be loved? If yes, then go with your heart.

n0days0ff said...

its your choice but it seems that the trust is gone.if its not this its gonna be something else.if you dont trust him 100% you will end up MISERABLE!!!

aloted said...

hi there...i just started reading ur blog today ...it's sad to read about this (i started from the beginning) but u seem to be a strong woman...i pray God directs u accordingly...i will be back

Tigeress said...

Hey! Hope you're good. I understand you're hurt and confused but i think you should overlook this. At least now he knows you'll be serious about getting a divorce if you ever find out he's cheating.

Scorned Woman said...

Hi everyone! I want to thank you all for your advice. I have to give a special shout out to gayte keeper because he's been there from the beginning and even though he probably doesn't know it he has made me feel better about a lot of situations.

I was actually building trust for my husband. I felt good and we were rolling along. This situation brought back a lot of old feelings, but not all of them. I actually had doubts about the whole thing but was more worried about looking like a fool.

Certain situations will be very awkward if I decide to stay with my husband. We won't be able to roll in certain circles anymore because it would just be too much. My niece will be graduating next week and my sister does not want him there. My niece does not know what's going on and will be upset if her uncle does not show up. I think my sister is being selfish because it's not about her feelings, it's about who her child wants to be at her event. I don't know what's going to happen with that.

I'm trying to keep an open mind, but what's most important is what's best for me.

Thank you all for being a part of my journey. It continues and I hope I take the right path.

thegayte-keeper said...

There is no need to thank me...A heart that is real and honest as yours needs to be fed with all the positive energy it can get...so thank you for being a real human being...I admire your strength...

doll said...

(a) Hmm..what a dilemma…follow your heart and talk to God about it

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