Thursday, November 5, 2009

Feeling the changes i'm going through

I'm tired.

That's really all I wanted to say. I just want to live a life where i'm not thinking, thinking, thinking. I try to keep pushing but this shit is hard. Life is hard. Living is work. Loving is hectic.

I love my husband to death but he is driving me crazy. He's getting on my last damned nerve. The thing that drives me the craziest is his financial irresponsibility. I have things that goals that i'm trying to achieve and he lives in the moment. He talks about the future but makes no effort to plan for it. It's so fucking annoying!

It's to the point where I have to really sit down and decide if I want to continue to be with someone I love that may not allow me to have a better future. He's always saying, "One day at a time," but i'm not sure he realizes that you cannot always live your life that way.

His attitude is so stink that I don't want to talk to him at times. Deep down I think he is unhappy with himself. There are so many issues that he needs to resolve. We started chipping away at his layers when we were in therapy and I saw a big change in him. Lately i've noticed that he has gone back to the angry man he was years ago. I'm not crazy about that man. He's not the one I fell in love with. The one I fell in love with was loving and supportive.

I have a business idea that I have been trying to get off the ground. My husband has always been very supportive. He helps in every way he can. I definitely appreciate that. He never has a problem with being there for me and trying to help me achieve my goal. I have to give him that.

My husband makes a decent living. He has a blue collar job that pays extremely well. That is more than enough for him. He doesn't want anything else. That's fine because his job definitely does a lot for our family. He makes more than I do. The thing is I sometimes wonder how he will feel if my business takes off and makes money and my dollar signs surpass his. I'm not so sure he would be able to handle that. He would never admit it but I think it's true.

I don't want to have a job forever. A career is what I want. I try not to but I despise what I do for a living. I hate sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen. My existence feels empty for the seven hours of the day I am there. I feel like I settled. I've been working at the same place for 14 years. I've moved around but there's really no room for growth. The excellent benefits are what has kept me there. I can hardly take it. Getting up at 5:00 in the morning to do something you can't stand really sucks.

I have decided that I am going to go away on my own for a few days. A friend of mine is going to let me use her timeshare. I need to get away and collect my thoughts. My life and state of mind are in terrible need of improvement. I have to get a game plan together and decide what I want to do with all the things that need to be fixed. I may be a single business woman by the time i'm done. Who knows?