Friday, November 7, 2008
My husband and I went to our first marriage counseling session Tuesday. It was a good experience. I was able to state my case and let him know what i've been going through. He didn't agree with everything, but that's okay. I think he is in denial about not being around for our children the way he should have. That is something I will be sure to get into. He needs to know that his cheating did not only affect me, it affected our entire family.
We've been talking about counseling for a long time, but never took the steps to go. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest when we were sitting in the waiting room. I was so nervous because I didn't know what to expect. Would he be open and honest, or defensive and uncooperative?
Something happened in that office. My husband said things I have never heard come out of his mouth. He owned up to all that he has done and said he was willing to do anything necessary to repair all the damage he has done. He said he knows that I am a good woman and he doesn't want to lose me. He doesn't say those kinds of things. His emotions are always buried below his bravado. I was happy to see him dig them up and share them with me.
Call me crazy, but I have hope that my situation will work out. I love my husband very much. At the same time, this is it, it's our last hurrah. If he ever cheats on me again I will leave. One of my feet is always out the door anyway. When the therapist asked why I was there I told her that I wanted to learn how to deal with all of the things that have transpired in my marriage. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my husband's infidelities, but at the same time I love him with all my heart. It's a crazy way to be.
When I look into my husband's eyes, I see the love he has for me. I am on the verge of tears right now because I know the man that lives inside the cheat and he's great. He's the one I love. The cheat is an extension of something I do not understand.
So, i'm going to roll with the punches and see what happens. As I work on my marriage I will also be working on myself. I pray that the two can come to a happy medium and work things out. I'm leaving it in God's hands. Whatever should happen will. Yes, I am a scorned woman but i'm also loved. If the person who loves me actually decides to live up to the promise of his manhood things will be fine.