My husband has really been trying to be a better man. I can see it. He's surprising me with lunch and doing little things for me that I really appreciate. The problem with that is I cannot let go of the past. No matter what he says or does I always think of what he has done. If he says he's in place B, I assume that means he's in place C (cheating). It's really hard. I do love him. I know that he is a good man but i'm not sure if he's capable of being a good husband.
Right now i'm trying to concentrate on getting myself together. I've gained some weight and lost a whole lot of self-esteem. There has to be something I can do about that. I have lost weight before and I know I can do it again. My problem is my energy level. Stress takes a toll on your body. I'm tired all the time and my mind never feels clear. There is no doubt that my marriage is the cause of the majority of my stress. I just can't leave.
My husband and I went out for drinks a couple days ago and had a really good time. I love spending time with him. It's hard to let go of the man he has become when I know who he really is deep down inside. He can make me feel so loved one minute and not cared for the next. It's so confusing.
I need someone to talk to. My heart needs to be poured out. There's so much in it. So many emotions are traveling through my body. I did have a friend who I could talk to about these things but we have lost touch. It hurts not to be able to express all that i'm going through.
I don't want to be a fool, but I guess it's too late for that. I'm sure most people wonder what the hell i'm doing with this man. Well, I love him. I was the one who would watch talk shows and say how I would leave my husband if he cheated on me. That's easy to say until it happens to you. I've been wrapped up in cheating for a long time, but have remained faithful.
Am I a crazy?