Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Confusion

My husband has really been trying to be a better man. I can see it. He's surprising me with lunch and doing little things for me that I really appreciate. The problem with that is I cannot let go of the past. No matter what he says or does I always think of what he has done. If he says he's in place B, I assume that means he's in place C (cheating). It's really hard. I do love him. I know that he is a good man but i'm not sure if he's capable of being a good husband.

Right now i'm trying to concentrate on getting myself together. I've gained some weight and lost a whole lot of self-esteem. There has to be something I can do about that. I have lost weight before and I know I can do it again. My problem is my energy level. Stress takes a toll on your body. I'm tired all the time and my mind never feels clear. There is no doubt that my marriage is the cause of the majority of my stress. I just can't leave.

My husband and I went out for drinks a couple days ago and had a really good time. I love spending time with him. It's hard to let go of the man he has become when I know who he really is deep down inside. He can make me feel so loved one minute and not cared for the next. It's so confusing.

I need someone to talk to. My heart needs to be poured out. There's so much in it. So many emotions are traveling through my body. I did have a friend who I could talk to about these things but we have lost touch. It hurts not to be able to express all that i'm going through.

I don't want to be a fool, but I guess it's too late for that. I'm sure most people wonder what the hell i'm doing with this man. Well, I love him. I was the one who would watch talk shows and say how I would leave my husband if he cheated on me. That's easy to say until it happens to you. I've been wrapped up in cheating for a long time, but have remained faithful.

Am I a crazy?

4 comments:

FullComplexity said...

I don't think you're crazy. You've been with your husband an extremely long time. It's not easy to break away from that. And it doesn't sound like you want to. It's a double edged sword though because you are unhappy.

That is a hard place to be in. It's a vivious cycle. And when you don't trust, that makes it even worse. Nothing that he says will ever satisfy you.

Wow. I've dealt with this- but on a much more miniscule level. He wasn't my husband, and the relationship only lasted two years.

But I will say this, you have to do what truly makes you happy, regardless of how others will think of you. So what if that facade is broken. If being in this is costing you your sanity, your health, and your happines, then some major steps may need to be taken. (Blogging is a good one! Let it out!!!)

Choosing to stay with him requires your trust. And that is more for your sanity. Easier said than done, right?

But I'm just a single 20-something. I don't know anything about being married. But I know how it feels to love someone so much and want to be with someone so much, despite their flaws.

I'm sure you communicate to him how you feel. And hopefully he hears you out. Communication is a huge key- especially when you want to trust him.

I'm a firm believer in God and what He can do. Have you ever gone to Him about it? I mean, truly? And if you're not a Christian, then, no offense. But the Lord can do wonders. He is above EVERYTHING and ANY SITUATION.

Sorry for babbling on. I get carried away.

You're not crazy. You're a woman in love. Ain't that the worst???

Scourned Woman said...

Thank you so much for your words. I've definitely prayed about my situation. Something is keeping me in my marriage. It's like a string is attached to my back.

Age ain't nothing but a number. Wisdom is wisdom.

Lil Honey B said...

Love doesn't follow logic, when I accpeted this truth, I was able to accpet myself in any situation that I may have found myself in regarding relationships. You are NOT a fool. Keep your head high.

Kin'shar said...

Damn, I have to follow you...because you and I both are in the same situation...and men fail to realize that once a woman is scorn....it aint nothing you can do about it....