Introduction

I call myself the woman scorned. My husband has cheated on me for a long time. I don't know why i'm still with him, so don't ask.

All of my friends and family think we're the perfect couple and I guess I don't want to mess that up. It's nice to be thought of as a role model. We have four children ages 25, 19, 13, and 12. They are all wonderful children and have never given us any problems. If you look from the outside, our family is perfect. We have a home, successful careers, and wonderful children.

I would love for someone to come and take a look at our marriage from the inside, my inside. I'm miserable. I've been with the same man for almost 30 years and, as far as I can remember, he's been cheating on me for at least 16 of those years. I've always taken care of my family and made sure that my children had everything they wanted. I'm the one who spent time with them, did things with them, loved and nurtured them, and raised them to be the wonderful people they have become. Their father ran the streets most of their lives.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I damn sure don't need anyone feeling sorry for me. I know that I brought my situation on myself by knowingly being with someone who can't keep his pants zipped. That's on me, i'll accept that. I started this blog so that I could have a place to express myself and let go of some of the pain i'm feeling. No one knows the real me, the woman who cries inside each and every day because she knows she could be happier.

No one knows that even though I have a good career I feel like a failure. No one knows because I don't tell. It's embarassing. So, I hide in the shadows shedding the tears of a clown when no one's around.

My husband says he loves me and I actually believe him. When things are good, they're very good. The problem is I have absolutely no trust in him. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He says he hasn't done anything with anyone since the last time I caught him, three years ago, but I don't believe that. I'm not sure he's capable of honesty or fidelity.

So, if I know this why do I stay with him? Well, for one, I love him. We've been together a long time and I have grown accustomed to my life the way it is. It's not easy to just pick up and go. I don't want to start over. I know it sounds foolish. I guess i'm a fool. My life could be so much better, but if I leave i'll have to admit that my marriage was a lie to all the people who thought it was perfect. I'll have to tell my children and the rest of my family. Nope, not going to do it.

I'm glad I found the blog world. It gives me an outlet. I have a lot bottled up inside of me that I need to get out, so get ready....