Thursday, December 11, 2008
Baby I'm Ready
I haven't done anything sexual with my husband since July. I just wasn't feeling him. I'm the type of woman who has to be into all of you to give you all of me. I wasn't sure what he was up to and his whole aura just wasn't doing it for me. I didn't like the way I felt after the last time we had sex so I told him. I actually said, "I don't want to have sex with you." I told him the trust thing was getting to me and until I felt better about us I would not do anything with him.
Sex between us has been like a roller coaster. There were times when it felt so good that I have cried and there were times when it got so routine that I wondered what the point was. We know each other's bodies so well, but at times I just had sex with him to get my rocks off and go to sleep. That is not how I want things to be.
My husband didn't argue with me when I said I didn't want to have sex with him. He said he knew it was his fault that I felt that way and he would wait until I was ready. So, we became closer in other ways but the trust thing still had a hold on me. At the same time I wanted him to make passes at me or at least show that he was interested. He didn't. In the past that would have led me to believe he was cheating, but I do not feel that way now.
I didn't say anything about it bothering me until the topic of sex came up in one of our counseling sessions. I admitted that I still wanted the attention even though I asked to be left alone. He said he didn't want to push me because he understood where I was coming from and wanted to respect my wishes. The therapist asked how he felt when I said I had no interest in having sex with him and he said it really hurt him but, once again, he knew it was his fault.
I won't say I fully trust my husband now, but I do feel a lot better about where our relationship is headed. I see his efforts and they're softening my heart, and something else. I've been thinking about making love to him this whole week. It's time. I'm ready.
I looked into his eyes last night and saw a different person. He's not the same man he was in July. He's a man I want to be closer to. My guard is still up, but it's being broken down brick by brick. I know things have changed because it was so easy for me to abstain from sex before. It didn't bother me at all. Lately, i've been feeling tortured. My heart is back in it. I know myself and my heart and g-spot are connected. If one's not being taken care of the other checks out.
It's time. I'm ready.