Friday, October 31, 2008

Alone Time

I cherish my alone time, especially lately. I'm in a state of constant confusion and discovery. At this time i'm trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life. The whole should I stay or should I go thing is constantly consuming my thoughts. I see my husband trying hard to be a better man, but I just don't know if it will last or be able to erase all that he has done.

What is a relationship without trust? How can we move forward if i'm always questioning everything he says? I'm in the process of looking for a marriage counselor and he says he's ready to do whatever he has to do to make things work because he loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end. I believe him, but at this point what he wants doesn't reall matter. It's about what's best for me. I've spent enough time doing what's best for everyone else.

I am always alone in thought. I can be in a room full of people and be deep in my own head without missing a beat. I've always been able to do that. Alone time doesn't always mean an empty room.

I often wonder how my children have been affected by my choices. They love their father, but i'm sure they feel some form of abandonement. He wasn't always there. I wonder if they think i'm a fool. I wonder what goes through their head when they think of their parent's relationship. I'll ask them one day, when they're all grown. Maybe it will be a few years after i'm out of the relationship. Who knows?

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Everyone will be out of the house early doing this and that and i'll be there alone with my thoughts. I think i'll pamper myself and go and get my hair and nails done. I'm going to go to the movies alone one day next week. I need some time with myself so I can figure out who I am and what I want to do. At this point, i'm 50% each way. Who knows how long the journey will take? All I know is i'm ready to find the woman I lost and improve on all the things she let go.

Wish me luck.


FullComplexity said...

That makes me happy for you! =)

Saturday sounds like it will be just what you need.

Anonymous said...

you know that I feel this way at most times too...I have been so scored by all (yes, all) men that I dont trust them. I have to test our love and I really cant understand that every one that I tested failed.....

What is the world coming to...where are all the good men. I think I need some of that alone time.

Scourned Woman said...

I often wonder what I would do if I actually left my husband. I'm pretty sure that, like kin'shar, I probably would have a problem trusting. It's crazy...

Anonymous said...

girl ....I am telling you that I have so many problems with trusting men that its crazy...but I can understand more and more each day why I cant trust I said I have tested all (ALL) my men to honesty and faith......THEY ALL FAILED!!

You hear me...and my insecurity is causing problems in my new relationship...(yes, he failed too...more than once) but I love him so much and I am willing to except that he is human. If I break up with every man that cheats then I will be all alone.

Just take things easy....give him an ultimatum...and see how that goes.

*** Just for the record ex is so hating himself for me leaving his black