Tuesday, November 18, 2008
My puzzled heart
I started this blog with the intention of writing angry posts about what a terrible man my husband is and how i'm this angry, revenge plotting, victim. I was going to talk about all the things that he's done and put him down. No one was going to see my face so what would it matter?
Something happened in the middle of the blog. We started therapy and my husband began to open up. He started showing flashes of the man I fell in love with. After only two sessions, my disposition began to soften. I love my husband very much and see that he is trying like he never has. I'm not saying that things are perfect and i'm going to forget all that he has done. I'm not even saying i'm definitely going to stay with him. All I can say is I have hope.
Being in a relationship is a lot of work and compromise. I have put in a lot of both. I don't mind working, but it has to be a two way street. My husband has had a lot of selfish moments, but I know what he is capable of. He's taking steps to get back into my good graces and regain my trust. I have told him that I will not make it easy on him and he's ready for whatever I throw his way.
My heart is like a puzzle right now and i'm trying to put it back together piece by piece. I have no idea where i'll be when it's fixed. My husband has promised me that he will never break it again and I have promised myself that I will not let him. Things will be different. If he can make the changes he needs to make, and he has definitely made a lot of them already, then we'll be together.
My husband is not the only one who needs to change. There are things that I know I need to do. I have to be me and know that's good enough. No matter what he says or does, I am good enough. It's time for me to repair the self-esteem that has been torn down by the infidelity of the person I love. I need a life. For years I have made my family my first, and only, priority. That's not a good thing. I have to learn how to put myself first. If i'm not happy I can't fully be there for anyone else.
We haven't had sex since July. I told my husband that I wasn't feeling it and would not do anything with him until I felt like he deserved to be with me. If my heart's not in it I can't do it. I love making love to my husband, but the times of me making love to him and thinking about who else he's been with are over. I will not go there until I feel that he is with me and only me. He says he understands and that he has to pay for the things he has done and will wait until i'm ready. I've been wanting to be with him lately, but i'm still going to wait until I am absolutely sure. My body is a temple and it deserves a king who appreciates it.
I have hope. Sometimes you have to go through the bad to make your way to some good that you'll appreciate. I have a feeling things are going to work themselves out, even if the result is not one I expect.