Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My puzzled heart


I started this blog with the intention of writing angry posts about what a terrible man my husband is and how i'm this angry, revenge plotting, victim. I was going to talk about all the things that he's done and put him down. No one was going to see my face so what would it matter?

Something happened in the middle of the blog. We started therapy and my husband began to open up. He started showing flashes of the man I fell in love with. After only two sessions, my disposition began to soften. I love my husband very much and see that he is trying like he never has. I'm not saying that things are perfect and i'm going to forget all that he has done. I'm not even saying i'm definitely going to stay with him. All I can say is I have hope.

Being in a relationship is a lot of work and compromise. I have put in a lot of both. I don't mind working, but it has to be a two way street. My husband has had a lot of selfish moments, but I know what he is capable of. He's taking steps to get back into my good graces and regain my trust. I have told him that I will not make it easy on him and he's ready for whatever I throw his way.

My heart is like a puzzle right now and i'm trying to put it back together piece by piece. I have no idea where i'll be when it's fixed. My husband has promised me that he will never break it again and I have promised myself that I will not let him. Things will be different. If he can make the changes he needs to make, and he has definitely made a lot of them already, then we'll be together.

My husband is not the only one who needs to change. There are things that I know I need to do. I have to be me and know that's good enough. No matter what he says or does, I am good enough. It's time for me to repair the self-esteem that has been torn down by the infidelity of the person I love. I need a life. For years I have made my family my first, and only, priority. That's not a good thing. I have to learn how to put myself first. If i'm not happy I can't fully be there for anyone else.

We haven't had sex since July. I told my husband that I wasn't feeling it and would not do anything with him until I felt like he deserved to be with me. If my heart's not in it I can't do it. I love making love to my husband, but the times of me making love to him and thinking about who else he's been with are over. I will not go there until I feel that he is with me and only me. He says he understands and that he has to pay for the things he has done and will wait until i'm ready. I've been wanting to be with him lately, but i'm still going to wait until I am absolutely sure. My body is a temple and it deserves a king who appreciates it.

I have hope. Sometimes you have to go through the bad to make your way to some good that you'll appreciate. I have a feeling things are going to work themselves out, even if the result is not one I expect.

3 comments:

Kin'shar said...

Hey im firsstttt


Girl, I feel you on this one...You know I understand completely. I think that you should give it another chance. If he says hes going to do better than sit back and watch...wait and see what he does. But for now, you got me....lololololol...ok I cant substitute the love that you expect from your guy. But heres a big hug to comfort your being now.

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Scourned Woman said...

Thanks, a good hug always helps. I know you definitely understand how i'm feeling. It's work, but definitely worth it. I feel like i'm getting back the man I fell in love with, but at the same time he's going to have to stay that person for a long time before I totally let my guard down.

D-Place said...

I hope things work out for you and your husband as well. I know I don't know you or your husband or even how this has really effected you. I do think that if you think he is worth it then you definetely should try to make it work. Just don't have any regrets about anything that you went through or anything that you did. Remember to enjoy the moments. Everything else is just life. Life can either fill you up or suck you dry. So enjoy the the good moments that fill you up and those others...let them go. I know I'm trying everyday.