Sunday, December 7, 2008

Getting Real


Marriage counseling is starting to get real. We have passed the honeymoon stage and moved on to really trying to find out the root of our problems. Our marriage counselor is a dream. I love the way she works. My husband is a willing, but reluctant, participant and she has been able to masterfully get him to do something he does not like to do.

My husband has never been one to share his real feelings. He'll scrape around the surface, but he never gets down to what's really going on with him. Our counselor is a very gentle woman and it's very easy to talk to her. She has eased my husband down the path to realizing that his past has a lot to do with his present. His mother's alcoholism and parent's divorce have followed him into our marriage and has a lot to do with the person that he is.

During his teen years, when his parent's divorced, my husband had to become the man of the house and care for his mother, who had a drinking problem. He also had to become the father figure for his two sisters. They still look up to him as the man who can solve all problems. He never had a chance to be a teenager. He went from fathering his sisters, to having his own before the age of 20.

I guess the lack of teenagehood caught up with my husband and he decided he needed to get those years back. The only problem is he did it at the expense of our family. I've tried to make him realize this but he has always seemed to feel that the things he was doing were secret from our children. I think he was in denial.

Since we've started therapy I have been able to say some things to him that were hard for me before. Our marriage counselor's office is truly a safe haven. There's no anger and no judgment. We both lay it all on the line and have realized things we didn't know existed between us.

My heart and judgment of my husband are both softening. I'm learning to love him again. Trust has not come, and we haven't made love yet, but all things in time. When I am comfortable, it will happen. I still have times when I think of all that he has done and there are times when I second guess his words, but I do feel a lot better about our future and I never thought that would happen.

8 comments:

Ran said...

I'm glad my words helped you in some way. Stay strong momma;o)

thegayte-keeper said...

as I read this I thought to myself that it is so nice to see a couple working on things in a mature manner and NOT letting the relationship go just like that...all the best

Kin'shar said...

I must tell you....that everyone that makes mistakes always blames it on their childhood. Let me tell you something....Ive got some shit to tell about my childhood that no one in this world will make me do some crazy ass shit. I left that in the past...my only thing is to assure that "my children" wont go through the same ish....trust me I will make walls crumble when it comes to my children.. They are all I have that no one can take from me. Because your husband was forced to be a man earlier than average...should have made him much more mature...Sorry hun, no excuse. Either you love me or you dont....

But lets give him a chance...if hes trying, thats a start!!

Scorned Woman said...

Ran - Thanks again.

gayte-keeper - We're both trying really hard and know it's going to take time to heal all the old wounds. Love makes you do things you never thought you would.

Kin'shar - I think people are affected and react in different ways. You left your past in the past and that's great for you, but everyone's not that strong. Life's not black and white for everyone. Stay strong hon.

Lil Honey B said...

I very happy for you and your marriage...I see a lot of ground has been covered since you've first began the therapy...I'm always happy to see folks experiencing healing and understanding, good for you!

Kin'shar said...

Its not that I let my past go... I just have to live "now" for my children. I cant let anyone steal my joy from them. I have to make every second of my breath count. Im not promised tomorrow...and I dont realized that I cant spend another day worrying.... When I depart this earth my babies will remember me as this happy-go-lucky woman...not someone that seems distorted....

take care sweets, Im here for you too...(^_^)

Scorned Woman said...

Lil Honey B - Thank you. It's not easy to try and put the pieces back together but we're both trying. Whatever is in God's plan is what will happen.

Kin'shar - I totally understand your point. I was just saying that everyone is not the same and, therefore, their reactions cannot be the same.

n0days0ff said...

I have been to your blog a couple times and I think you have a strength that I don't posess.It is do very hard for me to let things go sometime that I fear my pride will get in the way of something great one day. For instance, me and my lil mama had a humongous fight all day sunday and up to right now I have been playing it over and over in my head even though we made up. I have such a hard time letting things go it is scary