Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"Our trustworthiness begins with our ability and willingness to trust ourselves even when we don't feel up to it."-Ruby Fleurcius
This quote definitely applies to what's going on in my life right now. Over the years I have lost most of the trust I had for my husband. Then again, I can't really say that. I trust that he will provide for our family. I trust that he would give his life for each one of us and protect us at all cost. I trust that he will do all that he can to make sure we're okay. I, however, cannot bring myself to trust that he will never cheat again.
We have made a lot of progress since we've been going to counseling. I have let go of some of the resentment i've been feeling and felt my heart softening in ways I thought it never could. The problem I have is not wanting to let my guard down and trust that he will keep his word and be faithful. I don't like being made a fool of and he is on his last leg. If I take him at face value, will he betray me again? Like Luther Vandross said, "I just don't want to be a fool ever again."
Once I lose faith in a person, I generally leave them alone. I love my husband so much, and our bond is so strong, that I can't. There's something that's keeping me here. I just don't know if I can stay if the trust never returns. Rebuilding is a lot of work. I'm just hoping that it's not too late and I won't question the things he says forever.