What now?

I'm starting to question so many things. I'm not sure what the hell went on at that party anymore. Things seemed so clear in the beginning. It was easy to wash my hands of my marriage when I hadn't really spoken to my husband. Things have definitely changed since my last post.

I went to see our marriage counselor on my own. She's so easy to talk to. I told her what happened and it felt so good to get all of that mess off my chest. She feels that in order for me to come to a decision, I need to understand what all of this means to me and figure out why I don't seem to be able to break away from a marriage that may not be as healthy as it should be. Basically, she thinks I need to do some soul searching. I think she's right.

After the letter and the text messages I decided to call my husband and ask him if he wanted to sit down and talk. It was my intention to tell him that our marriage was over and I wanted a divorce. I went back and forth all day and felt that I had the strength to do so. What else could I do? I had already told him that he had run out of chances. I couldn't turn back.

We went and sat on a park bench when I got off work. The conversation did not immediately turn to all the drama. There was an incident at his job that really bothered him and I let him talk it out. To be honest I wasn't really in a rush to talk about what transpired and how I was feeling. I didn't really want to deal with it but knew I had no choice.

I told him how I felt about everything. I tried really hard not to forget anything. It was very important that I got everything off my chest. I gave him the floor and when he was done, my mind went into a tailspin. He was so convincing. The man was adamant when he told me that he would never do something like that to me. He said the whole thing was a misunderstanding and professed his love for me. We had a really good talk. When it ended I was more confused than ever.

It was easy to say it's over and i'm getting a divorce when I wasn't speaking to, or dealing with, my husband. Things are different when you look into the eyes of the person you have loved for so many years and they are telling you that they would never do what they're accused of doing.

When we talked my husband said he wondered why no one said anything to him if they thought he was doing something inappropriate. My sister said she went up to him and asked him what he was doing. I love my sister, but I also know how she feels about my husband. She knows about some of the things he has done in the past and would be very happy if our marriage ended. As I think about the situation it would not surprise me if she blew it up to be more than it actually was. She told me she hates my husband and i'm too good for him. I'm pretty sure she would do almost anything she could to insure that I left him.

I spoke to the woman he was suppose to have approached through email and she didn't really give any detail. She would only say that she could not believe he would do something like that while I was standing outside waiting. Actually, I spoke to everyone involved (those who saw and heard things), except one person up until yesterday.

One of the missing pieces of the puzzle was my husband's cousin. He told me she was there the whole time. I finally got in touch with her yesterday and she said she did not hear him ask for the number, but was there while they were talking. She said she did not see or hear anything out of the ordinary. Her advice was to make my decision with an open heart and not to worry about what people think.

My husband and I spoke again yesterday. We talked about several parts of our relationship. He said a lot of good things. My confusion seems to deepen every day. I went from being 100% sure I was done to having no idea where to turn. Love really makes you do crazy things. It makes you do things you never thought possible. Part of me believes him and other parts of me doesn't.

My mind and heart are battling right now. My mind says things don't add up, but my heart is full of love for my husband. My mind says I should cut my losses now, but my heart says he seemed so honest when we talked by the park. I know my husband very well and he did not seem to be lying. At the same time, there are a few things that make me think his story isn't true.

So what do I do? Do I stay with the man who has cheated on me in the past and assume that he is guilty? Do I go with my heart and be with the man I love? It's a hard decision. I don't want to make a mistake and end up being with someone who is lying to me and making me look like a fool. We were on the couch watching television yesterday and he put his head in my lap. It felt so right. My heart was hardened to him when all of this drama began and now it's starting to melt.

What's a girl to do?