Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Metamorphosis of my black man
Our marriage counselor went on maternity leave this week. My husband had to do overtime and we had to cancel our last session. We won't see her again until May. Surprisingly, he was more upset than I was. She has really helped us work our way through a lot of issues. It feels like it's too soon to stop, but we really don't want to see anyone else.
Neither one of us knew what to expect when we first started counseling. My mind was a lot more open than my husband's, but I was still cautious. Neither one of us really like telling people our business, but we knew we had to try something if we were going to have any chance of saving our marriage. Well, actually, I didn't know if I was going to stay. It all depended on how things worked out.
My husband, who thought he was going for me, ended up getting a lot out of our sessions. He realized a lot of things about himself and how his past has affected him. It wasn't easy for him to admit certain things, but he did. Trust me when I tell you, it was very hard for him to do that. He's just not that type. He use to think that looking to the past was a stupid excuse and that you are who you make yourself to be. His eyes have been opened. He looks for deeper issues in everything now.
Therapy has opened my husband's eyes to a lot of things and it's all because he was so open from the beginning. I am actually in awe of his progress. He still has some things he needs to work on, but I see so much improvement that I can't help but be there for him. He's trying so hard. There was a time when our marriage counselor suggested we each get individual therapy. My husband adamantly declared he did not need to do that. At our last session, he informed us that he was ready to, "give it a try." Neither our marriage counselor or I could contain the shock on our faces.
It's always been hard for my husband to admit when he's wrong, or apologize. That has definitely changed. He's become much more empathetic. Our kids have even noticed. They don't know we're going to counseling, but they have noticed that things are much better between us and their father is home a lot more often and much more involved in the family. He was there before, but always seemed preoccupied. That has definitely changed. He's a happier person.
I always felt like I stayed with my husband because I was looking back to the past. I couldn't forget the young man I fell in love with. He had a huge heart and would do anything for me. He treated me like a queen and we were one. I was holding on to that. I knew that young man was inside of the man he became and I couldn't let go, hoping he would come back to me.
For the first time in a long time, I see flashes of that young man. He is now mature, open, willing, and emotionally informed. He is learning how to deal with things in a manner that leads to solutions. He's still a work in progress, but he's getting there. He's finally willing to let go of childish things and put in the work. It's a beautiful thing.
I have finally let go of the man he was and accepted him for the man he has become.