Saturday, February 7, 2009

My sister, my......friend?

So, i'm going through something with my sister right now and it took me back to a previous situation. We've alwasys acted like we're close, but if I really think about our relationship I know that's not true. We love each other and would be there if needed, but we're not like sisters who are also girlfriends.

My sister use to date one of my husband's co-workers. They met at our house when we had a get together a few years ago. We didn't know they were seeing each other for a while because my sister was dating someone who everyone in our family loved at the time. She was on her way out of the relationship, but didn't tell anyone.

Once my sister broke up with her ex, who is still like a part of our family, she told us she was dating my husband's friend. We didn't really care. He's a nice guy and actually one of my husband's best friends at work. I think he went bowling with our family once, but that was about it. He basically stopped coming around the family.

They kept everything about their relationship a secret. My husband and I would invite them to hang out with us but there was always an excuse. We assumed they didn't want to be bothered and stopped trying. I didn't know they were with my other sister and her husband quite often until recently.

The relationship between those two was weird and dramatic. My sister would often tell me of the things that transpired between them. At first I would give her advice but as the drama got more and more ludicrous I began to hold my tongue. One minute they were head over heels, the next minute they weren't speaking. I found out that my husband's friend was a little nutty. He basically stalked my sister. She kept changing her cell phone number because of him, and then giving it to him. It was crazy on both of their ends.

My sister's relationship is part of the reason things came to a head with my husband. My son's school has an event every June and my entire family (mother, sisters, brother and their kids) always goes. My sister called and said she would not be coming because she was going through something and didn't want to, "be around the family." I asked her what was wrong but she didn't want to talk about it. She can be secretive so I didn't go into it.

I was hanging out with my sister a few months after my son's event and, after a few drinks, she told me why she didn't want to go. It turned out the guy she was dating told her some things about my husband. The thing is, he told her months before my son's function. She was holding on to the things he told her for months.

I won't lie, even though I know if couldn't have been easy for her to carry that around, I was still pissed off. She either should have told me or not told me. Waiting until months later, and then swearing me to secrecy, only made matters worse.

After what she told me, I had to play detective to try and find out if the things I learned were true. Eventually, I came clean to my husband. He explained some of the things away with good explanations and denied some. I was so embarassed that my sister knew my business. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and was going to leave. That is how we ended up in counseling.

I don't really see or talk to my sister that much anymore. It doesn't have anything to do with this situation. Like I said before, she's a very secretive person. It's very annoying. I would love to talk to her more but will not give to someone who does not give back. She's much closer with our other sister.

There was a time when I had a good relationship with my sister. She was the one who I talked to more than anyone else. I really think that the relationship she had with my husband’s co-worker changed what we had. They’re no longer together and we’re no longer close. It’s sad.

My sister has a lot of daddy issues and men are a very important part of her life. She’s not the best mother and I think my niece has suffered because of her daddy search. I’ve tried to talk to her but, to be honest, I have my own problems. I’m not sure there’s much I could say anyway. Our mother wasn’t the best example and now she probably sees me as a fool for staying with the man who cheated on me. I know that she judges me and thinks I should leave, but it’s not up to her.

I’m in a place now where I don’t care what other people think. I have to live my life and I’m very happy. I wish that for my sister. Hopefully she’ll find someone who can make her happy and be good to her without having to go through all the things I did.


the YOUNG LIONESS said...

Amen! I applaud where you are right now and i became angry myself for you reading this blog!

You come first before anything and what others think should be dead last, even though its understandable that family is of the utmost importance.

Oyin said...

well everything happens for a reason....just let go and let GOD!

*please get rid of this word verification

Scorned Woman said...

Lioness - I'm finally learning that it's all about me. Family is as family does.

Oyin - I have and it feels great.

thegayte-keeper said...

You've been through a lot and I am glad that you are still here able to reflect on things and make the best of your situation...LIVE for you and ONLY you...

Dabizniz said...

It's funny to be torn between telling people things they should know about yet be sworn to secrecy..

I hope you and your sister can have a good relationship in future life is too short

Sweetest Edo Sista said...

I toally agree with Dabizniz...Life is too short. Used to hv issues with my elder sister alot but i guess we can can say we grew out of the issues! Now we r the closest of friends. She's on me right now to take a step abt something she doesnt think i'm doing right.(practically bugging me).Years ago we probably would hv had a good fight abt it by now. Now we talk alot n make sense of each others opinions.

Lil Honey B said...

I'm an only child but I can attest to the fact that outside relationships can weaken family ties. I had dated a friend's brother and once we ended our relationship, my friend was left hurt and confused. Me and my friend moved past it, but it did put a dent in our friendship for a minute.

Scorned Woman said...

I want to work on our relationship, but my sister can be so closed up that it's hard. I have my own things to deal with and really don't have time to dwell on trying to get her to open up. Hopefully things will work out. I'm just not in a place where I feel like giving more than i'm getting.