Can I Live?

My husband called me at work yesterday and asked if i'd like to go to the movies. It was a nice day and I didn't really want to go home after work, so I told him yes. A little while after I spoke to him my best friend, who I haven't seen in about 18 months, called and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink. I should have gone with her but I decided to go to the movies with my husband. We did, however, decide to meet up one day next week. She's the one person I use to confide in. We drifted apart because her job is very demanding and she moved quite a distance away.

Anyway, my husband picked me up from work and we went to see The Taking of Pelham 123. The seat in the theater had the arm rests that moved up and down. I moved kind of far away from him because I know that he doesn't like to put it down. We usually sit close to one another. The movies is our thing. We always snuggle and eat popcorn when we go.

He grabbed my hand and I cringed. I'm not sure if he noticed. He took my hand and rubbed it on his crotch and laughed, which normally would not have bothered me. We play around like that all the time. I was more bothered when I realized that he is trying to act like everything is okay. I did not move or react and my grip on his hand was very loose. My body language was obvious, but he did not let my hand go.

I'm still not sure what to believe or do. My husband is professing his innocence, my sister is convinced he did something wrong, his cousin is telling me she was there and he didn't do anything out of the ordinary, my head says leave but my heart says stay. The situation is driving me crazy and I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.

My nephew graduated from junior high school the other day and he wants us all to go out to dinner this evening. My husband wants to go but my sister does not want him there. Personally, I think she's being selfish. It's not about her. My nephew loves my husband and will be looking for him. What am I suppose to say when he asks me why his uncle didn't come?

This whole thing is stressing me out so much that I don't know what to do. I just want to live my life without all the drama. I deserve that. I'm thinking about hopping on a bus and going somewhere for the weekend. I need time to myself. I'm tired of being pulled in so many directions. Everyone thinks i'm suppose to listen to them or do what they think I should do. This is my life.

I'm not sure what to believe. My husband has lied in the past, but my sister is not above exaggerating the story. I do know that I am exhausted. It's summertime and I should be having fun. I'm tired. I just want to live...

Father's Day

Had a great day with the family yesterday. It was a family outing we all have been needing for a long time. We were going to go on a boat ride but it was raining so we had to revise our plan. My husband loves video games so the kids suggested we take him to an arcade. We had a great time!

The whole family was there and it was just marvelous. I was even able to stop thinking about my marital woes. My daughter seemed to enjoy herself more than anyone and that made me really happy. She seems a lot happier these days.

I think we played every game in the arcade. My husband and I were running around like kids. At one point I stopped and watched him with our children. It was so cute. I think he was having more fun than they were. We all really enjoyed playing basketball and skee ball against each other. I'm the skee ball master. We must have had a billion tickets by the time we left that arcade. Of course we got a bunch of nothing. A great time was had by all. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in a very long time. It's very rare that we're all together like that. I think every one of us had permanent smiles on our faces.

The kids cooked dinner for their dad when we got home. They would ask me questions from time to time but wouldn't let me help. That was fine with me. Hubby and I watched some of the shows on our DVR while they cooked. He could not stop talking about what a good time he had. He looked like he wanted to cry a few happy tears.

We ate together and watched a movie. I have to say, it was one of the best days we've had as a family in a very long time. Everyone was very happy. It's times like this that make it so hard for me to end my marriage. I know how great things can be. I know I can't rely on that to make me decision, but it makes it so much harder to give up and leave.

I'm glad we were able to have such a wonderful day. It was great to see my daughter smiling and participating. She has been a lot more open lately. I guess therapy is helping. Speaking of therapy, I have decided to go on a weekly basis. I think it will help me too.

I don't know what the future is going to bring, but i'll always remember yesterday as one of the best days i've ever had.

What now?

I'm starting to question so many things. I'm not sure what the hell went on at that party anymore. Things seemed so clear in the beginning. It was easy to wash my hands of my marriage when I hadn't really spoken to my husband. Things have definitely changed since my last post.

I went to see our marriage counselor on my own. She's so easy to talk to. I told her what happened and it felt so good to get all of that mess off my chest. She feels that in order for me to come to a decision, I need to understand what all of this means to me and figure out why I don't seem to be able to break away from a marriage that may not be as healthy as it should be. Basically, she thinks I need to do some soul searching. I think she's right.

After the letter and the text messages I decided to call my husband and ask him if he wanted to sit down and talk. It was my intention to tell him that our marriage was over and I wanted a divorce. I went back and forth all day and felt that I had the strength to do so. What else could I do? I had already told him that he had run out of chances. I couldn't turn back.

We went and sat on a park bench when I got off work. The conversation did not immediately turn to all the drama. There was an incident at his job that really bothered him and I let him talk it out. To be honest I wasn't really in a rush to talk about what transpired and how I was feeling. I didn't really want to deal with it but knew I had no choice.

I told him how I felt about everything. I tried really hard not to forget anything. It was very important that I got everything off my chest. I gave him the floor and when he was done, my mind went into a tailspin. He was so convincing. The man was adamant when he told me that he would never do something like that to me. He said the whole thing was a misunderstanding and professed his love for me. We had a really good talk. When it ended I was more confused than ever.

It was easy to say it's over and i'm getting a divorce when I wasn't speaking to, or dealing with, my husband. Things are different when you look into the eyes of the person you have loved for so many years and they are telling you that they would never do what they're accused of doing.

When we talked my husband said he wondered why no one said anything to him if they thought he was doing something inappropriate. My sister said she went up to him and asked him what he was doing. I love my sister, but I also know how she feels about my husband. She knows about some of the things he has done in the past and would be very happy if our marriage ended. As I think about the situation it would not surprise me if she blew it up to be more than it actually was. She told me she hates my husband and i'm too good for him. I'm pretty sure she would do almost anything she could to insure that I left him.

I spoke to the woman he was suppose to have approached through email and she didn't really give any detail. She would only say that she could not believe he would do something like that while I was standing outside waiting. Actually, I spoke to everyone involved (those who saw and heard things), except one person up until yesterday.

One of the missing pieces of the puzzle was my husband's cousin. He told me she was there the whole time. I finally got in touch with her yesterday and she said she did not hear him ask for the number, but was there while they were talking. She said she did not see or hear anything out of the ordinary. Her advice was to make my decision with an open heart and not to worry about what people think.

My husband and I spoke again yesterday. We talked about several parts of our relationship. He said a lot of good things. My confusion seems to deepen every day. I went from being 100% sure I was done to having no idea where to turn. Love really makes you do crazy things. It makes you do things you never thought possible. Part of me believes him and other parts of me doesn't.

My mind and heart are battling right now. My mind says things don't add up, but my heart is full of love for my husband. My mind says I should cut my losses now, but my heart says he seemed so honest when we talked by the park. I know my husband very well and he did not seem to be lying. At the same time, there are a few things that make me think his story isn't true.

So what do I do? Do I stay with the man who has cheated on me in the past and assume that he is guilty? Do I go with my heart and be with the man I love? It's a hard decision. I don't want to make a mistake and end up being with someone who is lying to me and making me look like a fool. We were on the couch watching television yesterday and he put his head in my lap. It felt so right. My heart was hardened to him when all of this drama began and now it's starting to melt.

What's a girl to do?

The Saga Continues

When I opened my eyes at 5:30 this morning the first thing I saw was a white piece of paper on the dinner tray I left up the night before that said, "Please read." I wasn't sure if I wanted to read it. My first instinct was to tear it up and move on. Curiosity got the best of me and I read it. This is what it said:

Good morning,

I know I have messed up really bad with you and you have no trust for me. When we first started going to counseling I really felt I had no chance, but after a while I saw you becoming relaxed and happy. I started feeling better about myself because of you. I began to feel like we really had a chance and that you may actually trust me one day.

Recently I found out that you were lying and wasn't really giving me the benefit of being trusted again. It wouldn't have bothered me before but I really committed after going to therapy. We were making changes. I went to therapy for you and me. I thought it was a chance for me to be trusted by you again. This is why I need to tell you again that the way things came out of my mouth was not what was intended.

I'm really not trying to lose you. I already knew we had issues. Why would I do some disrespectful shit like that and make matters worse? I know you are in pain because I can feel it to the point that I am sick and weak. I love you more than you know. I also keep wondering why no one said anything to me if they thought I was doing something wrong. Instead they held it in until later to tell you like it was some big secret. Anyway, i'm not going to dwell on that.

Please don't leave me. I need you and I love you. If you had just a little trust in me this may not have gone so far. I really do love you and I did not do this. Just because someone looks guilty it doesn't mean they are.

I have been feeling strong since this whole ordeal started. Before I went to bed I wrote in my journal, "I will not cry. He does not deserve my tears." I was so mad at myself when I cried after reading the letter. I really want the things he wrote to be true. I don't want to leave my husband, but I feel like I have no choice.

I sat for a few minutes and tried to decide what to do. I did not want to call him so I sent him a text message instead. Well, I sent three. Here's what happened:

Me:

I would never strictly go by what someone saw. It wasn't even the first time you tried to get with this woman, and I was in the vicinity both times. I am so disgusted that I can't even look at you. I'm tired of all this mess. I just want to live my life and not carry this garbage around. I'm sorry you feel bad. It's the way i've been feeling for a long time. You went to therapy because you fucked up so much that you didn't have a choice.

Him:

Then that's it? For something I did not do?

Me:

I'm not sure what you want from me. It's like you think i'm your doormat and I will just believe anything you say. I'm not stupid! I don't want to hear you telling me ten years down that road that you did this. You need to man up and be honest and stop treating me like i'm dumb. It pisses me off. I spoke to her and people who saw and heard and it's not who you think.

Him:

No response

Me:

I love you to death and I always will. I know that you are my soul mate. It's too bad you don't respect me as a woman and as your wife.

Him:

I do you just don't acknowledge it. I would like to be treated like a man and a husband. (I have no idea what he meant by that)

I really do love this man. The problem is i've put him before myself for too many years. I can't do it anymore. I really don't want to end my marriage but at this point I feel like I have no choice. It's a sad situation. I really want to believe him but things just don't add up. I'm beginning to feel the pain that I didn't want to deal with. I was content and happy that things were ending and now reality is setting in.

I called our marriage counselor and told her we will not be coming back. I made an appointment to see her alone. If I am really going to move on I need some help. I've gone through a lot over the years and parts of me are still damaged. Wow! My marriage is coming to an end. I can't believe it.

Stronger

I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. If this would have happened then it would have destroyed me. I would have crawled up into my regular ball and felt like dying. Things are so damned different this time. I am so over this situation that I really don't have time to dwell on it. If my husband wants to conduct himself like a horny teenaged boy with no control he can have at it. I'm a grown ass woman and will continue to act like one.

If I had not taken this journey seriously, and changed a lot of things about myself, he would be dead or in the hospital right now. I seriously contemplated killing him. I probably could have pleaded temporary insanity after all that he has put me through. I think I was insane. How could I have put up with all his shit? Is love really that deep? Why was I a fool for it? It's not like I needed him in my life.

The people who know keep asking me if i'm alright and when I tell them that I am they don't believe me. I'm not lying at all. I feel fine. Like I said in my previous post, I gave him a chance and he messed it up. I did my part. It's time for me to move on. The only problem is he won't move on, I mean out. He's determined to stay and wait it out.

I know he thinks things will smooth out and i'll forgive him. He's totally wrong. I have checked out. My heart is closed to him. He's stepped on it too many times and i'm not going to let it happen again. I will always love him, but that love seems to come with so many bad memories that I don't want to deal with it.

He's been cooking and cleaning all week long, like that's going to change something. He usually hangs out with his friends every Thursday and tonight he has decided to stay home. I don't know why he's wasting his time. There is nothing he can say or do that will change things at this point. I wish him well. I know that my life will be much better without the stress of his bullshit following me around.

The journey continues. Who knows where it will lead...

No More Drama!

Well, I gave it a try and it didn't work so now i'm moving on. My marriage is done. I'm not even sad. No one can say I didn't go for it. Forgiveness is an important thing. I'm glad I gave my husband the chance to prove that he could be faithful. It's too bad he couldn't do it.

So, we went to his cousin's birthday party Friday night. We had an absolute blast! Everyone drank and danced the night away. My husband works every Saturday and he has to get up really early in the morning. Around 12:30 he decided he wanted to leave and rushed me and my sister out the door. We weren't ready to leave but neither one of us wanted to take a cab home and he was driving.

My sister and I made our way through the crowd and outside to the car, which was parked in front of the lounge. We stood there and waited for about 10 minutes before I started to get pissed off. I called his cell phone and he said he was looking for his cousin so he could let her know were leaving. After waiting another 15 mintutes I sent my sister inside to see what was going on. I didn't have a hand stamp and didn't want to deal with any drama.

A few minutes later my husband and sister came outside. She had a funny look on her face and he looked upset. I was pissed! How the hell are you going to have me standing outside waiting for you and you come outside with bag full of birthday cake and a scowl?

We dropped my sister off and as soon as we pulled up to our place I jumped out of the car and left him. He barely came to a stop before I got out. I went into our bedroom and locked the door. I really did not want to be bothered with him. To be honest, i'd been feeling funny for a few weeks. I just felt like something wasn't right.

So, anyway, fast forward to Saturday afternoon. My son's fraternity was having a charity brunch and my sisters and I were going to meet up and go together. I was getting dressed when my husband came home. As I was putting my clothes on I got a text from the sister I partied with the night before. She said she needed to talk to me. I already knew it wasn't going to be anything good.

We met before our other sister arrived and she proceeds to tell me that when she went back inside she saw my husband trying to holla at one of his cousin's friends. I honestly felt like falling over. I was in shock. Yes, he has cheated but I didn't think he would stoop that low.

When my sister saw him she asked him what the fuck he was doing and he said he was getting cake. While he had his back turned his cousin's friend put her hands in the air and mouthed, "What the hell is wrong with him?" My sister felt so uncomfortable and angry. She knows about some of the things my husband has done and was disappointed when I decided to try counseling and give him another chance.

We went to my son's fraternity event and had a good time. I tried not to think of the slime ball I was going to divorce. My sister's kept asking me if I was okay and even though I knew they meant well it was getting on my nerves. All I knew was I could not go home. I kept having visions of stabbing the slimeball in his sleep and he's definitely not worth me doing jail time.

I went home with my sister. She was going to spend some time at her boyfriend's house but I stayed the night. I am definitely capable of extreme violence, especially when my intelligence is being insulted or i'm being disrespected. I knew something would happen if I went home and my children were home. I called and let them know that I would not be coming home. Their father called me back and asked why I was staying at my sister's house and I told him that I would stab him in his sleep if I came home.

He was shocked and wanted to know why I would say something like that and I told him. Of course he denied doing anything. I forgot to say that I spoke to the female and people who were in the area and I know that he did it. There's not question in my mind. I'm not going to go back and forth with it. I am done. He got all indignant and said he did no such thing and hung up on me because he didn't want to hear "that mess." It didn't matte to me one way or another because my decision was already made and nothing he said was going to change my mind.

I also found out that he tried to get with the same female at the New Years Eve party we attended. There's no way i'm going to be with someone like this. I can only imagine what else he has done.

The funny thing is, i'm not hurt. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I thought I would. I need to stay the course and keep improving. He's not going to hold me back. I gave him the chance to improve and he blew it. I'll always love him and wish him the best, but our time together has come to the end. I asked him to move out but he refused. I don't know how it's going to work out but in my mind we are not together. I'm about to spread my wings and get my life on.