Choices

I've been so busy lately that I hardly have time to breathe. I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately and wanted to update what's been going on with me.

I don't have any contact with my sister. I called her a few weeks ago and we talked. Well, actually I did most of the talking. She didn't have much to say. I'm sure she thinks she is innocent in the situation. At this point I can honestly say I don't give a damn. I'm not living my life according to what others think anymore.

I love my sister and don't want anything to happen to her but she made her opinion of my life and decsions very clear. I'm not harping on anyone's judgment of me. She has done and continues to do a lot of things that I do not agree with but I have never judged her or treated her any differently. I wish her well and don't have time to think about her holding that gavel in her hand.

I'm still not really feeling my husband. We go out and have a good time together but we've had sex once since everything happened in June. I'm not into it. He knows how I get when things are incomplete.

In a perfect world I would be on my own. It's just not financially feasible right now. We just got tagged with a huge IRS bill because the chick that did our taxes totally mislead us on a lot of things. We trusted her and ended up in a big ass jam. I'm so upset. When the uncle we all hate comes knocking you have to answer the door or he will destory your life.....THE BASTARD!

My children are all doing wonderful and my relationship with my daughter is better than ever. I'm so happy about that. We've grown much closer and she is much more involved with the family. Her job situation is great and she's in the process of looking for a place. I think that is a great idea. It's time for her to get out into the world and discover new things.

I've been having a lot of fun and doing things on my own. I make sure to go out at least once a week without my husband. He is no longer the focus of my existence. He has noticed that and I think he is scared. He tries to act like he's happy that I am trying to carve out a new social life for myself but I know that is not 100% true. He's done so much wrong that he doesn't know what i'll let happen. To be honest, I don't either.

The first time I went out with my girlfriend he called my cell phone a few times and I didn't answer. I called him back when I was on my way home and he tried to start an argument with me. I wasn't trying to get into an argument for doing something he does all the time. I told him he was wasting his breath and kept it moving. I've been going strong ever since.

I am finally allowing myself to have a life of choices. I got out when I choose to. I have made the choice not to feed into my husband's childish behavior and have stupid arguments that lead nowhere (he's good for that). If I choose to have sex with him I will. Right now that's not what I want.

Right now I choose to stay with my husband and see how things go. I'm taking life one day at a time and trying to find the me I should have been looking for a long time ago. I'm not going to over think things like I usually do. I refuse to become stressed out. That has always been a big problem for me.

I am determined to enjoy life. I've spent too many years with a wrinkled forehead. I'm letting go of all the old stuff bit by bit and smiling a lot more. My freedom has been imprisoned for too long. I'm setting myself free and living my life like it's golden. I know there will be bumps along the way but if I don't start taking my life back i'll never be free.

I'm taking a short trip with my girlfriends and her sister in a couple weeks and i'm so excited. We're not leaving the country. It's just a short getaway. I'm looking forward to clearing my head and having a good time. I'm choosing to improve the things i've been complaining about and do my best to make the most of my life.

So, yesterday I told my sister how I felt. She's been acting sort of nasty lately so I emailed her. I didn't feel like having some long drawn out conversation so I did it that way. I know it wasn't the right way to go about it but, to be honest, I don't care anymore. I've decided that i'm just not going to deal with her.

I have a lot going on. I have a 17 year old foster son and I just found out that he is going to be a father. He's been dating his girlfriend since he moved in with us at 15. We really love him. He wants us to adopt him before he turns 18. We haven't done so because he was holding out hope that his mother would get herself together and become a part of his life again. Through therapy and a lot of talking he has come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen.

I got a call from the girl's mother last Saturday morning. He was at work. She wanted to speak to him but since he wasn't available she thought she would tell me in a very light hearted voice that I was going to be a grandmother. My reaction was far from light hearted. I was in shock!

We talk very openly about sex in my home. I want my children to be informed. My son is very upset about the pregnancy. He said he used a condom every time and his girfriend told him she was on the pill. She even showed him the pack. They were having sex when he came to us and my husband and I both sat him down and did the whole birds and bees thing.

The girl and her mother are ecstatic. They think this pregnancy is a wonderful idea. She is 17 and still in the 10th grade. Our son received a full scholarship from Villanova University and was excited about going to college. We're not sure what to do now. He has already accepted. There's a baby on the way now and he has to do his part, but we really want him to get that degree. He's a very smart young man who has had a rough life. He's seen more at 17 than i've seen and i'm over 40.

I don't want his life to have to take such a drastic turn because one condom broke. He is heartbroken because he thinks he's not going to be able to go to school. The girl's mother says she is willing to help in any way she can and my husband and I feel the same. The thing is, he will not be able to spend time with his child if he is away at college.

It's a crazy situation. My son feels like he did everything he was suppose to do. He used protection and was positive that his girlfriend was on the pill. The girl and her mother will not listen to anything he has to say. He feels like he has no say in the situation. I feel for him but told him that was the chance he took when he started having sex.

My husband feels that the girl is being selfish because she is not considering his opinion or his future. I had to explain to him that he has no idea how it feels to have an abortion. Also, this girl has had a pretty tumultuous upbringing. No one has taught her anything about setting goals for the future. All she can see is right now. This is also an opportunity for her to bond with a mother who has not treated her well.

I really want my son to go to school. We will be willing to allow him to come home two weekends a month and take his child to see him when we can. He has a job and instead of buying video games and clothes this summer he is going to have to save for pampers and formula.

My entire family has his back. I love that young man like I had him. I am determined to make sure he has a bright future. We will make this situation work. I do not have time to think about my sister and her foolishness. I want to keep my family together. I don't care what she thinks anymore. I know she loves me but she is allowing her feelings for the man i'm married to to cloud her judgment. All she has to do is be there for me. It's not like I talk to her about what's going on in my life anyway. She just happened to see whatever it is she thinks she saw.

I'm going to be a grandmother. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. A child is always a blessing but I wish my could go away to college with a clear head. The adoption will be final soon and our son will officially be ours. I know how I feel about that. He was so troubled when he came to us. He's a different person now. We are all very proud of the progress he has made. His plans for the future do not have to change. The climb is just going to be a little harder. We will all be there every step of the way helping him get up that hill.

Well, things have been interesting. I've just decided to live my life and not worry about anything. My husband and I are getting along but i'm not in the mood to have sex with him. It's been a few months. That's just not going to happen right now. It doesn't matter that i'm not sure if he did what he's accused of. I'm just not in a place where I want to get intimate.

My relationship with my sister is terrible. I don't appreciate the way she reacted to everything. Just because I didn't do what she thought I should she kind of turned her back on me in judgment. I don't have time for people like that no matter who they are. In her mind, i'm upset with her for telling me what she saw. All that does is prove that she does not know me.

I've never judged my sister. She has done a lot of things that I don't approve of at all but i've tried to be there for her in an open and honest way. The fact that I have not received the same treatment hurts. If you love me you love me. It's not about your hate for my husband. I still don't even know what's going to happen in my marital future. It would be nice to have a sister to discuss it with.

I've been relying a lot on my brother. The two of us haven't always been that close but he's handling the situation like an adult, giving me awesome advice, and not concentrating on what my husband did or did not do. It's all about our relationship. That's all I need. I do not want to be judged, especially by someone who is suppose to have my best interest at heart.

Feeling Much Better!

I have officially decided to let go and let God. I mean it. If I don't take that route i'm going to go crazy.

Things in my home have been amazing. My children are happier than ever, even my daughter. She's the only one home right now. One is away with her Godparents and the rest are with my mother-in-law. We were all having a great time together when they were here.

My children's happiness means a lot to me. They're loving having their father around all the time. After the alleged incident I wasn't sure what to do because I didn't want to take their father away just when they felt like they got him back. It took me a while to realize that I had to do what was right for me. I'm still not exactly sure what that is so i'm going to take it one day at a time.

I'm spending time with my husband but he knows things are not settled yet. I'm just living my life. I've made plans to hang out with friends and have decided to have a me day at least twice a month, if not more. I refuse to spend so much time and energy worrying about what people will think if I stay with my husband or trying to figure out if he lied. I'm just going to live. I really mean it.

I want to enjoy myself and have fun. I've spent a lot of years down in the dumps. I can't do that anymore. It's wonderful to see that my children feel like they can exhale and not worry about mommy and daddy. They all have twinkles in their eyes, even the older ones. I don't know what will happen if I choose to move on without their father but hopefully it won't affect their relationship.

My husband has done a lot of things but I know that he loves his children. He was really under the impression that his cheating did not affect them. After marriage counseling and a lot of talking he knows the truth. He realizes that he has to spend time with all the kids. He may not be able to totally repair the damage he's done to his relationship with the two oldest but they seem to be willing to give him a second chance.

My daughter has really opened up. That makes me so happy. We're spending a lot more time together and she seems so much happier. I make sure I hug and kiss her and tell her I love her every day. She really needs that. I can tell by the way she hugs me. She's my first born. We've been together a long time. I have to make sure she's okay.

Life continues. I'm not going to get left behind anymore. Whatever will be will be.

I can't complain

Considering all that I have on my mind i'd say I'm doing pretty good. I don't know what the future is going to bring but i'm also not worried about it. I'm sick of investigating and trying to figure out what my husband did or didn't do. There's really no way for me to get to the bottom of the situation. I do know that I don't trust some of the people I use to trust and this situation has showed me who a few people really are.

I can't say i'll stay with my husband and I can't say I won't. I do love him and see lots of changes in him. That doesn't mean he didn't do what he's accused of. So what now? I just pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. I'm taking life step by step.

I had dinner with one of my best friends after work Friday. We hadn't seen each other for a very long time. I told her what happened and her advice was to get out of my head and let nature take its course. It felt good to talk to my her. She is one of the people I trust most in the world and her advice is always important to me. We've been through a lot together. She knows my story and I know hers.

I can be totally open with my friend and know that she will not judge me. It felt so good to sit across the table from her and get all the crap off my chest. There aren't many people I can talk to and be completely honest about what is going on in my marriage. I have two best friends and they offer advice and love unconditionally.

My other friend feels that things happen and whether or not my husband did what people are saying he did I should go with my heart. She says I am the only one who can make the decision and what other people say does not matter.

My sister has pulled away from me. I think she's disappointed. She expected this to be the final straw and hoped that I would leave my husband. I can feel her judgment whenever we talk. Things are strained between the two of us. I talked to our brother and he says no one else is in my home or my heart and the decision is mine. He said our sister was on the side of the conversation and doesn't really know what was being said.

It's a big mess. I'm really trying not to think about it but I can't help it. I haven't had sex with my husband in almost two months. I'm just not feeling it right now. There's too much confusion and I can't give myself freely to him right now. I would love to be with him but I just can't do it. Things seem right when we're together but i'm not all the way there. I love spending time with him but i'm scared that I will never be able to trust him. I'm hoping I can get it together one way or another.

I'm not going to complain. There are so many people doing worse than I am. I have my health and people who love me. I know that my main worry is looking like a fool and staying with a man who would try to pick up another woman while i'm standing outside waiting for him. On the other hand, I don't want to end my marriage and blame him for something he did not do.

It's going to work itself out. I can't dwell. I'm finding my footing and trying to get it together. I want to have a life of my own. I'm sure the decision will come when that happens. I need to focus more on myself and less on what my husband did or did not do and what other people think.

Can I Live?

My husband called me at work yesterday and asked if i'd like to go to the movies. It was a nice day and I didn't really want to go home after work, so I told him yes. A little while after I spoke to him my best friend, who I haven't seen in about 18 months, called and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink. I should have gone with her but I decided to go to the movies with my husband. We did, however, decide to meet up one day next week. She's the one person I use to confide in. We drifted apart because her job is very demanding and she moved quite a distance away.

Anyway, my husband picked me up from work and we went to see The Taking of Pelham 123. The seat in the theater had the arm rests that moved up and down. I moved kind of far away from him because I know that he doesn't like to put it down. We usually sit close to one another. The movies is our thing. We always snuggle and eat popcorn when we go.

He grabbed my hand and I cringed. I'm not sure if he noticed. He took my hand and rubbed it on his crotch and laughed, which normally would not have bothered me. We play around like that all the time. I was more bothered when I realized that he is trying to act like everything is okay. I did not move or react and my grip on his hand was very loose. My body language was obvious, but he did not let my hand go.

I'm still not sure what to believe or do. My husband is professing his innocence, my sister is convinced he did something wrong, his cousin is telling me she was there and he didn't do anything out of the ordinary, my head says leave but my heart says stay. The situation is driving me crazy and I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.

My nephew graduated from junior high school the other day and he wants us all to go out to dinner this evening. My husband wants to go but my sister does not want him there. Personally, I think she's being selfish. It's not about her. My nephew loves my husband and will be looking for him. What am I suppose to say when he asks me why his uncle didn't come?

This whole thing is stressing me out so much that I don't know what to do. I just want to live my life without all the drama. I deserve that. I'm thinking about hopping on a bus and going somewhere for the weekend. I need time to myself. I'm tired of being pulled in so many directions. Everyone thinks i'm suppose to listen to them or do what they think I should do. This is my life.

I'm not sure what to believe. My husband has lied in the past, but my sister is not above exaggerating the story. I do know that I am exhausted. It's summertime and I should be having fun. I'm tired. I just want to live...

Father's Day

Had a great day with the family yesterday. It was a family outing we all have been needing for a long time. We were going to go on a boat ride but it was raining so we had to revise our plan. My husband loves video games so the kids suggested we take him to an arcade. We had a great time!

The whole family was there and it was just marvelous. I was even able to stop thinking about my marital woes. My daughter seemed to enjoy herself more than anyone and that made me really happy. She seems a lot happier these days.

I think we played every game in the arcade. My husband and I were running around like kids. At one point I stopped and watched him with our children. It was so cute. I think he was having more fun than they were. We all really enjoyed playing basketball and skee ball against each other. I'm the skee ball master. We must have had a billion tickets by the time we left that arcade. Of course we got a bunch of nothing. A great time was had by all. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in a very long time. It's very rare that we're all together like that. I think every one of us had permanent smiles on our faces.

The kids cooked dinner for their dad when we got home. They would ask me questions from time to time but wouldn't let me help. That was fine with me. Hubby and I watched some of the shows on our DVR while they cooked. He could not stop talking about what a good time he had. He looked like he wanted to cry a few happy tears.

We ate together and watched a movie. I have to say, it was one of the best days we've had as a family in a very long time. Everyone was very happy. It's times like this that make it so hard for me to end my marriage. I know how great things can be. I know I can't rely on that to make me decision, but it makes it so much harder to give up and leave.

I'm glad we were able to have such a wonderful day. It was great to see my daughter smiling and participating. She has been a lot more open lately. I guess therapy is helping. Speaking of therapy, I have decided to go on a weekly basis. I think it will help me too.

I don't know what the future is going to bring, but i'll always remember yesterday as one of the best days i've ever had.