Monday, March 23, 2009
Wanting to trust
I have to admit something. I'm frustrated. Even though things are much better between my husband and I, I still cannot bring myself to trust him. I try really hard, but it's just not happening. I don't spend half as much time thinking about his infidelities as I once did, and that's great, but I still don't trust him.
Yesterday one of his ex co-workers who moved to Maryland came by our house. I was busy doing something so I didn't really have time to do much more than say hello to him. They chit chatted for a little while and my husband came to tell me he was going outside for a little while. I didn't think much of it at first, but after a while I started to feel those old suspicious feelings again. Do I think he was going to do something he should not have been doing? The answer to that question in no but I still couldn't shake the funnies.
It could be that this co-worker was around when my husband was at the height of his cheating. Old feelings that I didn't expect came creeping up. I did not like the feeling at all and I fear that they will always be there. I guess there's so much water under the bridge that I can't get it out of my head. I really love my husband, but at the same time I resent him for all that he has put me through.
I'm not sure if I can ever be totally happy and that really bothers me. We've put in a lot of work to improve things. Will I ever trust him again? I still question the things he tells me and it doesn't matter whether or not I think he's lying. I guess I just don't want to be a fool. Does that mean i'm not totally commited to making things work? It's so confusing.
I really miss going to see our marriage counselor. It feels like things ended just when we were making the most progress. We're going to have so much to talk about when she comes back. My husband misses it too. We made a lot of progress and I don't want it to be ruined. I'm sure it won't, but i'm so on edge that i'm scared of what might happen.
I don't doubt that my husband loves me and is trying really hard to be the best man he can be. It's just not easy to give someone back the trust they've destroyed. I just hope it returns. It's not fun wanting to love someone totally and completely and having that one big issue that you can't get past. I'm working on it and hopefully will learn to deal with it one day. As long as he continues to be as he is now, it will be a lot easier.