Optimistic!

Hubby and I went to marriage counseling last night and had a great session. We talked about how determined we are to make 2009 a great year. I've said things like that before when a new year rolled around, but this time I really mean it. I can feel the change coming.

When we first decided to go to therapy I wasn't sure how it would go. I went with an open mind but wasn't sure if my husband would be able to give it his all. He's never been one who found it easy to talk about his feelings. I have been totally surprised, and impressed, by the amount of work he has put in. It's easier for me to be honest because our experience has been one of total honesty.

If someone would have told me six months ago that I would actually be optimistic about my marriage I would have thought they were crazy. I can actually see myself trusting him again one day and that is something I never thought would happen. I'm not saying it's going to happen any time soon, but if we continue down the path we are on it will be a reality one day.

There was a time when my husband's infidelities consumed my thoughts. I still think about it from time to time, but the consumption is over. My mind no longer feeds off of those thoughts. It has better things to think of. The time we spend together has more quality now, it's not spent arguing. We actually enjoy each other's company.

It's funny, as soon as 2009 came in I let go of so much. I actually felt the weight leave my body. I've been carrying so much crap around that it has weighed me down. I'm so filled with determination. I will be happy. We will be happy. I've always loved my husband but i'm falling IN love with him again. I smile when I think of him and want to spend time with him. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

I've gone through a lot, in and out of my marriage, and there were times when I thought I would never be happy. I felt lost and alone but put on the tears of a clown so that no one would know how I was really feeling. My husband would change for a little while and I always knew he would eventually go back to his old ways. For the first time i'm actually optimistic. I think he's serious and committed to making our marriage work. I see it in his eyes. He's a different man, well he's the man I fell in love with again and that's not exactly different.

I've finally realized that my state of mind has a lot to do with how my life turns out. When I allowed myself to become so absorbed in negative thoughts, I sent so much negative energy into the universe. Those days are over. I'm so glad we decided to get help. Things are truly looking up. I'm in love with my husband again.