Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The day I became the Mrs.
Today is the anniversary of the day I got married. My husband is a lot more excited than I am. We were going to go away, but i'm not ready to take a trip with him yet. I really feel like i'm at the beginning of our relationship. There's so much water under the bridge that i'm trying to forgive. It hasn't been easy, but it's getting easier. My heart is no longer in agony on a daily basis.
Before we began therapy my husband would look forward to this day and talk a lot about this exotic trip he wanted us to take. Being the scorned woman I was, I secretly sabotaged plans without telling him that I was feeling lying on a beach celebrating a marriage that was failing more and more each day with a man I had no trust for. I couldn't understand how someone who constantly disrespected his vows could have the audacity to be so proud. He lived in his own world of denial floating on a cloud with his head buried inside, wearing fake rose colored glasses.
Another thing that took away any excitement I could have had about taking a trip was the fact that my husband has gone on several trips out of the country with his friends. He and I have traveled inside the United States to Palm Springs, Las Vegas (three times), Atlantic City, The Poconos, and Boston. We've also gone on a cruise together. He has gone to Aruba, Acapulco, Dominican Republic (twice), and Curacao with his friends. A group of them traveled together every year. This is something that I will forever be bitter about and refuse to let go. The thought of traveling outside the country with him does not excite me because he has already seen and done things without me. I went on a cruise and to Cancun with friends and had fun, but it would have been nice to be with the man I love. We're going to therapy tonight and i'm realizing that this is something I need to talk about.
I don't want to go back to the bitter me, but this day has made me reflect on a lot. We've been together for a long time and gone through a lot. The ups and downs were crazy! When things were good between us, they were soooooo good and it's the same for the bad. It's almost like we had no middle ground.
There is no doubt in my mind that my husband is my soul mate. We finish each other's sentences and speak what the other is thinking. No matter how hard I try, I cannot picture my life without him and vice versa. We have conversations about this all the time. I love him with all of my heart and soul. If I didn't, I would have been gone a long, long time ago.
I know that he loves me deeply. That is why I cannot understand why he was such an adulterer. Since we've been going to therapy I have been able to stop wondering and start moving on. It happened, I stayed, and I want to be happy. Constantly dwelling on the past is not a good way to make a better future. I've learned that and that's a huge step for me. I'm a super grudge holder, or at least I was. I'm happier now and have no reason to hold on to all that old shit. I may not be able to trust the way I want to, but for the first time in a long time I feel like there's a possibility that i'll get there one day.
So, on the anniversary of the day I became Mrs. _______________________, I will eat, drink, and be merry. I'll spend the day thinking of possibilities and not drowning in all the water under the bridge. We're going to have a good time tonight and start the next year of our marriage off filled with positivity and love, looking forward to the future.