Monday, December 29, 2008

Happy New Year!

I'm actually excited about 2009. I think it is going to be a year of discovery. It will be the year that I decide, once and for all, what I do with my life. I don't make resolutions, I make plans. My plan is to have my life in the order it should be in by the end of 2009.

My husband and I are trying to work things out and it hasn't been easy. Some of his ways are really beginning to bug me because i'm in the process of growing and discovering myself. During this process I have realized how much some of the things he does and says really irritate me. In the past I would keep quiet, but marriage counseling has helped me to speak my piece more.

The upcoming year is looking good. I'm ready to continue my journey of self discovery. I already began to rid my life of people, places, and things that bring negative energy and it has made an enormous difference. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. That was part of the reason I put up with a lot of the crap my husband put me through. People thought we were this perfect, happy couple and I didn't want to do anything to diminish the myth. Well, fuck the myth. It's time for me to live the life I deserve and anyone who gets in my way will be ran over.

To make a long story short, i'm not taking any shit in 2009!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Projecting much?

I got in contact with an old friend that I haven't heard from in a while. She was my go to girl. When she started a new job as a vice prinicipal most of her free time went out the window and we drifted apart. It wasn't really a big deal because I knew we would not lose total contact. We all have those friends that we can be apart from for a while and when we get together it's like we were never apart.

Anyway, my friend just bought a new house and invited me out to spend the night and have some girl time and catch up. She lives on the beach and told me about wrapping up in a blanket, grabbing a glass of wine, and going out to read on her terrace. It's cold here, but that still sounded like heaven to me. I couldn't wait.

When I told my husband that I was going to spend the night with my friend he got upset. I have always had this thing about nights being spent out or coming home after the sun. That was because of his cheating. He tried to throw my words back at me. I couldn't believe it! That was like comparing apples and oranges. I asked him if he knew why I felt the way I did about him staying out. He never really answered me, but asked me how I would feel if he told me he was spending the night at the house of one of his coworkers who lives a couple hours away. I told him the situations were totally different because he drives and I don't and it would be inconsiderate to ask my friend to drive me home when I could just stay at her house.

We actually went back and forth arguing about the situation. It didn't really matter to me because I was going no matter how he felt about it. I never go out and I was going to go and have some long overdo fun. The conversation ended and I never revisited it, but put the reaction in my memory computer and we will be discussing it shen we see our marriage counselor tonight.

We got a lot of snow the last weekend and I decided not to go to my friend's house. I didn't want her to have to drive me home in all the snow. My husband didn't know I had changed my mind and called while he was at work to tell me to enjoy my weekend with my friend. I'm glad he wasn't in front of me because I wanted to smack the shit out of him.

His reaction was total projection. Knowing what he would have been doing if he spent the night somewhere got control of his brain. He's not out like he use to be, but there were nights that he told me he was sleeping at the garage where he worked. I'm sure that's not always where he was. The fact that he had the audacity to try and compare me to him pissed me off. It definitely sent me backwards.

I cannot wait to discuss it the situation tonight.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Strong or Foolish?

My husband and I go to marriage counseling every Tuesday. We didn't go last week because our therapist was not in. Our left session ended on an interesting note. My husband said the only reason we are still together is because of my strength. He said he knew that there weren't a lot of women who would put up with his bullshit and still be able to keep our family together. The therapist nodded her head and I shook mine. I did not totally agree with what he said.

I don't see myself as strong because I stayed with a man who cheated on me and didn't always treat me the way he should have. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but strong is definitely not the word I would use. I felt very weak for a long time. I went back and forth wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why couldn't I leave?

I am the example my daughters have of what a woman is suppose to be. What have I taught them? They witnessed a lot of arguments and felt the loss of their father not being around. I feel guilty because I should have gotten them out of that situation. Luckily, they are very strong young women. I really think their father's paternal senses kicked in just in the knick of time. I'm not sure what would have happened to them if they would have had to go any longer without him being the presence he should have been.

What did my sons learn from my experience? Will they think you can treat a woman any way you want and she'll still be with you? My husband seems to think our children had no idea what he was doing, or at least that's what he says. I'm not sure if that is his true feeling. I think it's a rationalization to make him feel better.

I know that I have strength. I've endured a lot in and out of my marriage. I do know that it took a lot to hold my family together and raise my children, basically, on my own. They are part of the reason I stayed. I wanted them to have a two parent home. The problem was, I was a married, single mother for a long time. Women raise children on their own all the time. The real single mothers are the strong ones. Sometimes I feel like a coward for staying in my relationship.

If it has not become obvious yet, I am very hard on myself. I'm the type of person who is always thinking and wondering. My mind is always going tick, tock, tick, tock, all damned day long. I get tired of it, but I can't help it. Before we started counseling, I spent every free moment thinking about my husband's infidelities. I was almost obsessed. It was pitiful. Looking back, I see what a mess I was. I feel strong now because I know I will never settle for anything less that what I know I deserve. If he cheats on me again, i'll be out so fast that he will be covered in my dust.

It's easy for him to say I was strong. Things worked out in his favor and I guess he's trying to compliment me and that's fine, but putting up with garbage doesn't make me strong. I was just a fool in love. All I could think about was my heart. I held on hoping the man I fell in love with would return. I didn't think about what was best for my children, or even myself. I have regrets, but I can't go back. The only thing I can do is make sure I don't revisit the mistakes of the past.

I am changing each and every day. I have put up with things in my marriage that I never would have put up with in any other circumstance. I don't let people take advantage of me and I always speak my mind. This was not true when it came to my marriage. It was like I turned into a marshmellow as soon as my husband was involved. Those days are certainly over. I let my needs and wants be known and definitely have left my doormat days behind. He has changed a lot as well.

No one knows what the future will bring. I can only say that I feel stronger than I have in a long time and my foolish days are over.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Baby I'm Ready

I haven't done anything sexual with my husband since July. I just wasn't feeling him. I'm the type of woman who has to be into all of you to give you all of me. I wasn't sure what he was up to and his whole aura just wasn't doing it for me. I didn't like the way I felt after the last time we had sex so I told him. I actually said, "I don't want to have sex with you." I told him the trust thing was getting to me and until I felt better about us I would not do anything with him.

Sex between us has been like a roller coaster. There were times when it felt so good that I have cried and there were times when it got so routine that I wondered what the point was. We know each other's bodies so well, but at times I just had sex with him to get my rocks off and go to sleep. That is not how I want things to be.

My husband didn't argue with me when I said I didn't want to have sex with him. He said he knew it was his fault that I felt that way and he would wait until I was ready. So, we became closer in other ways but the trust thing still had a hold on me. At the same time I wanted him to make passes at me or at least show that he was interested. He didn't. In the past that would have led me to believe he was cheating, but I do not feel that way now.

I didn't say anything about it bothering me until the topic of sex came up in one of our counseling sessions. I admitted that I still wanted the attention even though I asked to be left alone. He said he didn't want to push me because he understood where I was coming from and wanted to respect my wishes. The therapist asked how he felt when I said I had no interest in having sex with him and he said it really hurt him but, once again, he knew it was his fault.

I won't say I fully trust my husband now, but I do feel a lot better about where our relationship is headed. I see his efforts and they're softening my heart, and something else. I've been thinking about making love to him this whole week. It's time. I'm ready.

I looked into his eyes last night and saw a different person. He's not the same man he was in July. He's a man I want to be closer to. My guard is still up, but it's being broken down brick by brick. I know things have changed because it was so easy for me to abstain from sex before. It didn't bother me at all. Lately, i've been feeling tortured. My heart is back in it. I know myself and my heart and g-spot are connected. If one's not being taken care of the other checks out.

It's time. I'm ready.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Getting Real

Marriage counseling is starting to get real. We have passed the honeymoon stage and moved on to really trying to find out the root of our problems. Our marriage counselor is a dream. I love the way she works. My husband is a willing, but reluctant, participant and she has been able to masterfully get him to do something he does not like to do.

My husband has never been one to share his real feelings. He'll scrape around the surface, but he never gets down to what's really going on with him. Our counselor is a very gentle woman and it's very easy to talk to her. She has eased my husband down the path to realizing that his past has a lot to do with his present. His mother's alcoholism and parent's divorce have followed him into our marriage and has a lot to do with the person that he is.

During his teen years, when his parent's divorced, my husband had to become the man of the house and care for his mother, who had a drinking problem. He also had to become the father figure for his two sisters. They still look up to him as the man who can solve all problems. He never had a chance to be a teenager. He went from fathering his sisters, to having his own before the age of 20.

I guess the lack of teenagehood caught up with my husband and he decided he needed to get those years back. The only problem is he did it at the expense of our family. I've tried to make him realize this but he has always seemed to feel that the things he was doing were secret from our children. I think he was in denial.

Since we've started therapy I have been able to say some things to him that were hard for me before. Our marriage counselor's office is truly a safe haven. There's no anger and no judgment. We both lay it all on the line and have realized things we didn't know existed between us.

My heart and judgment of my husband are both softening. I'm learning to love him again. Trust has not come, and we haven't made love yet, but all things in time. When I am comfortable, it will happen. I still have times when I think of all that he has done and there are times when I second guess his words, but I do feel a lot better about our future and I never thought that would happen.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I've been tagged!


I've been tagged! Thanks you Kinshar for this award and for all the support and kind words you have given me since I started this blog.


Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post,which explains The Award. Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

So here goes. I'm tagging:

Lil Honey B
I think she's so cute and I really enjoy visiting her blog because it always makes me smile.

Although I visit his blog every day, I don't comment. I'm not sure why. I love his writing style and he always comes up with very interesting topics that make you think.

B-More Bap
She was one of the first people to follow my blog. I like her the topics she comes up with and her writing style.

This is one of the first blogs I ever visited. I liked the name and wanted to see what it was all about. I like that the blog is about us. Each entry is in diary form and it interested me because I thought it was very original. It's a good read.

Black Women, Blow the Trumpet
I came across this blog while visiting another and was instantly hooked. This is another one that is for us. It's extremely informative and even though the posts are a little lengthy, it's worth the read.

Thanks to all those I tagged for keeping me reading. I love the blogging community and am glad to be a part of it.