Friday, October 31, 2008

How can I ease the pain?

I remember when I first heard the song, "How can I ease the pain," by LIsa Fischer. She has such a beautiful voice and sang the song with such emotion. I knew she'd been in the situation, i'm pretty sure most women have.

How can I ease the pain is one of the questions i'm asking myself at this time in my life. I've been through a lot in my relationship. It's like a roller coaster of love. One minute it's up, the next minute it's down. One minute my heart is exploding with love, the next minute it's aching. I know love isn't perfect, but damn.

All alone, on my knees I pray
for the strength, to stay away


In and out
out and in you go
I feel your fire
then I lose my self control


How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
How can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I ease the pain?


that I let you in
You take away
something deep within
A fool for love
is a fool for pain
And I refuse
to love you again!


How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I ease the pain?
How can I ease it..


if its not my love
that you've come here for,
tell me baby why you're here
knock, knock, knocKin at my door
I cant take it, no no no no more baby
give me it all, or nothin at all!


How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
I need to know how....
How can I ease the pain?


Alone Time

I cherish my alone time, especially lately. I'm in a state of constant confusion and discovery. At this time i'm trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life. The whole should I stay or should I go thing is constantly consuming my thoughts. I see my husband trying hard to be a better man, but I just don't know if it will last or be able to erase all that he has done.

What is a relationship without trust? How can we move forward if i'm always questioning everything he says? I'm in the process of looking for a marriage counselor and he says he's ready to do whatever he has to do to make things work because he loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end. I believe him, but at this point what he wants doesn't reall matter. It's about what's best for me. I've spent enough time doing what's best for everyone else.

I am always alone in thought. I can be in a room full of people and be deep in my own head without missing a beat. I've always been able to do that. Alone time doesn't always mean an empty room.

I often wonder how my children have been affected by my choices. They love their father, but i'm sure they feel some form of abandonement. He wasn't always there. I wonder if they think i'm a fool. I wonder what goes through their head when they think of their parent's relationship. I'll ask them one day, when they're all grown. Maybe it will be a few years after i'm out of the relationship. Who knows?

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Everyone will be out of the house early doing this and that and i'll be there alone with my thoughts. I think i'll pamper myself and go and get my hair and nails done. I'm going to go to the movies alone one day next week. I need some time with myself so I can figure out who I am and what I want to do. At this point, i'm 50% each way. Who knows how long the journey will take? All I know is i'm ready to find the woman I lost and improve on all the things she let go.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Are all men dogs?

I know a lot of guys. They're not really complex beings, but they are different. It's hard to find the good ones, but I know they're out there. Even though i've been with one who seems to think his zipper should constantly be in the down position, I still love the male species. I'm just not sure how to deal with them.

There is no way I will allow myself to believe that every man that was and will ever be born will be unfaithful. Do I think most of them are? Yes I do. I also think there are some that actually have redeeming qualities. They're fun, they can lead you in a waltz, they pick up heavy things, and have a part that a woman can put to use now and then. They'd be great if most of their brains weren't attached to their pee pee.

My father wasn't faithful to my mother. I have no idea how many siblings I have spread around the universe. I do know that one of them passed away recently. I never got to meet her. I don't know what she looked like. We probably passed each other on the street in the past. I love my father very much, but didn't always respect him.

I want my son to be the best man he can possibly be. He's doing well so far. He's very respectful and caring and I don't see any of his father's dog bones hanging out yet. I pray and try to raise him to continue to be the person he is today.

So, what do you think? Are all men dogs?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


My husband has really been trying to be a better man. I can see it. He's surprising me with lunch and doing little things for me that I really appreciate. The problem with that is I cannot let go of the past. No matter what he says or does I always think of what he has done. If he says he's in place B, I assume that means he's in place C (cheating). It's really hard. I do love him. I know that he is a good man but i'm not sure if he's capable of being a good husband.

Right now i'm trying to concentrate on getting myself together. I've gained some weight and lost a whole lot of self-esteem. There has to be something I can do about that. I have lost weight before and I know I can do it again. My problem is my energy level. Stress takes a toll on your body. I'm tired all the time and my mind never feels clear. There is no doubt that my marriage is the cause of the majority of my stress. I just can't leave.

My husband and I went out for drinks a couple days ago and had a really good time. I love spending time with him. It's hard to let go of the man he has become when I know who he really is deep down inside. He can make me feel so loved one minute and not cared for the next. It's so confusing.

I need someone to talk to. My heart needs to be poured out. There's so much in it. So many emotions are traveling through my body. I did have a friend who I could talk to about these things but we have lost touch. It hurts not to be able to express all that i'm going through.

I don't want to be a fool, but I guess it's too late for that. I'm sure most people wonder what the hell i'm doing with this man. Well, I love him. I was the one who would watch talk shows and say how I would leave my husband if he cheated on me. That's easy to say until it happens to you. I've been wrapped up in cheating for a long time, but have remained faithful.

Am I a crazy?

Monday, October 27, 2008


I call myself the woman scorned. My husband has cheated on me for a long time. I don't know why i'm still with him, so don't ask.

All of my friends and family think we're the perfect couple and I guess I don't want to mess that up. It's nice to be thought of as a role model. We have four children ages 25, 19, 13, and 12. They are all wonderful children and have never given us any problems. If you look from the outside, our family is perfect. We have a home, successful careers, and wonderful children.

I would love for someone to come and take a look at our marriage from the inside, my inside. I'm miserable. I've been with the same man for almost 30 years and, as far as I can remember, he's been cheating on me for at least 16 of those years. I've always taken care of my family and made sure that my children had everything they wanted. I'm the one who spent time with them, did things with them, loved and nurtured them, and raised them to be the wonderful people they have become. Their father ran the streets most of their lives.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I damn sure don't need anyone feeling sorry for me. I know that I brought my situation on myself by knowingly being with someone who can't keep his pants zipped. That's on me, i'll accept that. I started this blog so that I could have a place to express myself and let go of some of the pain i'm feeling. No one knows the real me, the woman who cries inside each and every day because she knows she could be happier.

No one knows that even though I have a good career I feel like a failure. No one knows because I don't tell. It's embarassing. So, I hide in the shadows shedding the tears of a clown when no one's around.

My husband says he loves me and I actually believe him. When things are good, they're very good. The problem is I have absolutely no trust in him. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He says he hasn't done anything with anyone since the last time I caught him, three years ago, but I don't believe that. I'm not sure he's capable of honesty or fidelity.

So, if I know this why do I stay with him? Well, for one, I love him. We've been together a long time and I have grown accustomed to my life the way it is. It's not easy to just pick up and go. I don't want to start over. I know it sounds foolish. I guess i'm a fool. My life could be so much better, but if I leave i'll have to admit that my marriage was a lie to all the people who thought it was perfect. I'll have to tell my children and the rest of my family. Nope, not going to do it.

I'm glad I found the blog world. It gives me an outlet. I have a lot bottled up inside of me that I need to get out, so get ready....