Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Blog Awards

Wow, little ole me got two blog awards. I'm so excited! Here they are:

I am the recipient of the Proiximity Award. It was given to me by one of my favorite bloggers, Lil Honey B. Check her out at the Bee Hive.

PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time, and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. Check up on these writers! The rules are: This blog award should be sent to your favorite 8 bloggers, and they, in turn, should forward it to 8 of their favs.



Renaissance Black Woman


Keith's Escapades

Fred Smith

Bond Girl

Prostituted Thoughts

I was also given an award my one of my favorires who has been there for all of my journey. I really love this guys blog and his words have meant a lot to me. Thanks Gaytekeeper. I've been splashed.

The Splash award, the rules are:

* Put the logo on your blog post.
* Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.
* Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
* Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.
* Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award.

I don't blog that much so I can't come up with nine bloggers. I only have a few. Here they are:

Love Becomes Her


Sunshine Loves Peace

Not All Baltimore Chicks Are Stupid

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It is what it is

I took a total break. I took a break from blogging, working, parenting, and everything else. I took some time for myself. It just wasn't working and I needed to get it together.

The situation with my daughter is not better at all. I'm almost ready to tell her to get the hell out of my house. Her attitude is stank, she never interacts with the family, and is just getting on my damned nerves. I'm sick of looking at her dishes in the sink and waiting for her to wash them. Both my husband and I are trying to keep our cool. It's to the point where I just don't want to deal with her. She actually applied for a program in Boston and I pray every day that she gets in. It's time for her to go.

If I did not take a break I think I may have grabbed her by now. I'm not upset about the way she's feeling anymore. I threw out the olive branch a couple times and it was not accepted. At this point I feel like she is reveling in her victim role and does not want to let it go. I just cannot be obsessed with her feelings anymore. That may be wrong, but it's the way I feel.

It felt so good to just do me. I worried only about myself and let my brain take a break. This is something I will be doing on a permanent basis and I don't care how anyone feels about it. If I don't do me i'll go crazy. I've worked really hard to repair my relationship with my husband and I thought life would be so much better. When the situation with my daughter came up I had to make a conscious decision not to let it destroy me and it hasn't.

I love my daughter to death. I'd take ten bullets for that chick. What I will not do is allow her to turn me back into the sad shell of a woman I once was. She feels that I owe her and should kiss all up in her ass until she feels there are enough lip prints on it. That's not going to happen. I gave me away to her father and I will not do it again. I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling and try to work things out and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk and she said no. I asked her what she needed me to do to make things better and she said nothing. I am done.

My husband, the kids, and I were watching a movie yesterday and she came in and said, "Hey." We all said it back and continued to watch the movie. She stood there wondering why we didn't jump for joy when she appeared. When no one did, she sucked her teeth and went into her room and slammed the door. No one was phased. I wanted to tell her to take her ass in the kitchen and wash the dishes she left in the sink but I didn't want to make things worse. I hate it when people put dishes in an empty sink and leave them there. Her father washed them. My plan was to sit them on her bed if they weren't washed by today.

I used to let other people's shit take over my being but that's not going to happen. I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm not fucking with anybody who doesn't want to fuck with me and if that list includes my daughter, it is what it is.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

It’s hump day and I feel like I’m overcoming a big ass hump of my life. Is it wrong if I am to the point where I just don’t give a damn about what people are feeling? I’ve spent a lot of years putting myself on the back burner so that others could be happy. I do it at home and I’ve done it at work. I’m tired of that shit! I’m trying to live. A lot of life has passed me by and I let it happen. I stayed home and raised my children while their father lived the life of a bachelor and allowed myself to get lost, even though I knew it wasn’t what I deserved.

I gave my power away to others and convinced myself that I couldn’t do anything about it when I knew better. Why? I’m not sure I can answer that. There’s really no excuse and I won’t try to act otherwise. I’m close to 50 years old and I’m starting over. In some ways it’s a beautiful thing and in a lot of ways it’s pathetic as hell. This is the time when I should be enjoying life, not figuring it out. My questions and answer period should be done.

My husband has had his time and it’s nice that he has come around but why did I let him get away with so much? In my mind it’s not about rethinking the past, but in my heart I’m feeling like I shouldn’t let it go. All I can say is he’s lucky I love him so much and decided against seeing my murder plots through. He doesn’t even know that I held a knife to his throat while he was sleeping on more than one occasion. It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t his fault that I allowed him to kill my spirit. I knew I couldn’t take his life as payment for the soul I allowed him to trample on. That was on me, so I accepted it and continued to live my shell of a life. I was only existing. There was not living involved.

Fast forward to the now. I’m more in love with my husband than I’ve been in years and I can actually say that I don’t think he is cheating and believe it. He takes time to do the little things that mean so much and we talk about our dreams and goals for the future. That is something we never did and we’ve been together for a lot of years. It feels good. We make sure to do things together and he spends a lot of quality time with his children. They seem to be happier than they’ve been in a long time. Well, most of them are happier.

That brings me to my daughter. When I first found out about her feelings, I was torn up inside. I felt so bad and it was all I could think of. It was heartbreaking to find out that our relationship was not what I thought. I went back and forth trying to figure out how to fix things. I almost went crazy because my mind was racing so much.

It's been a few weeks and at this point I don't really care as much. I know my daughter takes every issue and thinks it into the ground. As I live with the young woman who spends all of her home time in her bedroom, puts dishes in an empty sink and doesn't even think about washing them, leaves her crap all over the place expecting others to clean it up, and just walks around like we all owe her something, it's hard for me to be as upset about the way she feels. I won't say I don't care. I'll just say I have decided to move on with my life.

I have issues with my mother but I don't blame her for a damned thing. It was my choice not to talk to her about the way I feel, so i'm dealing with it. We have a decent relationship and that's good enough. I really don't think my daughter wants to move on. I think she enjoys holding this over me.

At some point I have to worry about my emotions and well-being. This is that point. I'm going to be selfish. That is something I havent' done in years. Allowing people to make me feel bad about me or what I have or haven't done is over. I gotta live.