Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Oh.....Life


Life is what you make it. I'm trying to make the best of mine but something always seems to get in the way. No complaints. I'm just moving along and trying to get the nut that all squirrels like me need to survive.

My husband and I are okay. It's nothing to write home about. At times I feel like we're best friends who have sex once in a while. It doesn't happen that often. We had some terrible sex the other day that left me with my lips twisted and my kitty unsatisfied. It was.....Man, I have no idea what the hell it was. I do know that he fell asleep.

Anyway, on to the next. I found out that my daughter, who's been the bane of my existence, has been clinically depressed for years. She has been in therapy since her senior year in high school. She didn't tell anyone. My daughter has been curled up into a sad ball for years.



She dealt with it on her own because she thought I had enough on my mind between her father's behavior and the money problems we were having at the time. Boy did that make me feel great. What a wonderful mother I was. I felt like a complete and total failure. I cried for a few days after she finally decided to tell me what she'd been going through.

I was fine after a while. We talked and my daughter actually said she felt better about our relationship. It was one of those tears flowing, snot running, soul bearing types of conversations. I actually felt a lot better afterwards....But

It's very hard to deal with the situation. My daughter's attitude is very nasty. She leaves dishes in the sink like she expects us to wash them for her. She uses the bathroom, finishes the roll of toilet tissue, and walks out and leaves it for the next person to change. She's annoying, defensive, anti-social, entitled, and oh yeah, depressed.

I feel like everything I say and do is under her microscope. I walk on egg shells because I don't want to hurt her feelings. When your child tells you they've had thoughts of suicide you don't really want to yell at them for leaving dishes in the sink. When you go into her room and she's lying in bed crying, you don't want to ask her why she didn't replace the toilet tissue.

What's a mother to do?

I thought we were going to work on our relationship but she's still locking herself in her room. When I ask her how she's feeling she just says, "Fine." When she's crying and I ask if she wants to talk she says, "I'll be okay." What do you do when you extend the olive branch and it's thrown back in your face?

At this point i'm not feeling as guilty. I'm tired of dealing with her. I don't know what to do. Giving up is not something I want to do. I'd love to hang in there. I'm trying, I really am. It's just not easy.

I'd love to enjoy a block of time where I can just live and not worry. I want to be a good mother and wife but I also want to have a life. My husband and daughter are the only people who seem to always make my life difficult. He's not as bad lately. She, however, always seems to come up with something.

If i'm being honest, I have to admit that i'm ready for my daughter to move out. I think we need our freedom. This is the place where I can be honest. I'm sick and tired, tired and sick. I want to live my life! Too bad. You can't kick a clinically depressed child out.

Oh yeah, I decided not to deal with the guy I exchanged numbers with. He called me five times and sent me three text messages the day I gave him my number. Not a good sign. I told him I had some things going on that he probably didn't want to be dragged into. No fun. I just wanted to have fun and see what happened. Oh well...

One day...

59 comments:

BleuSavoy said...

i respectfully suggest that you seek therapy as well ... dealing with someone who is depressed ... especially clinically depressed is not easy ... also, FAMILY THERAPY is also something that you should look into, but only after you've sought therapy for yourself, individually.

best wishes to you and your family xoxo

Its a girly life said...

I have followed your blog for a few weeks now as I stumbled accross it (im new to blogging) and found yours very interesting as part of your life seems so similar to mine although my children I feel are very much younger than your daughter and at the moment the only problem I have with them is arguing. However a few years ago my husband and me had so many problems. He was having an affair, Sex consequently was a mess (for want of a better word!) and I had a 6 week old baby. Like u I just wanted to disappear and have my life back! However to cut an extremely long story short we decided to go to counselling where we spent 6 months having weekly sessions. I have to say it was the best decision we made and we are closer than ever and the Sex is great. Dont get me wrong he is still a typical man sometimes but I have come to accept his faults. I would highly reccommend u definately seek counselling and maybe set aside a day a week whereby you have some 'me' time. Like my counsellor said - even if its grabbing a book and sitting at the corner of the street. Your on your own, with your own thoughts. I hope u and your family find the strength to get through everything. xx

Scorned Woman said...

BleuSavoy - I am currently looking for someone to talk to. I know I need it. We can't really do family therapy right now because i'm the only one who knows about my daughter's depression. Believe me, I know it's needed. It will happen one day.

girly life - I know me time is important. I don't always have the energy, but I have started doing little things for and by myself. I'm happy that you and your husband were able to work things out.

Kingsmomma said...

HEY, First book yourself a spa treatment.

then seek treatment. For yourself. Stregthen who you are first then seek a family therapist so that you may speak with your daughter in a setting that will be conducive to her health, emotions and your feelings. Doesn't have to include the entire family right now, but you two need a better way to speak with each other. Your daughter may need a change of scenery.

Jaycee said...

I think you should treat yourself to a self-day out. No matter what happens, you'll always love ur husband and daughter and you can't get away from them. It will be alright.

thegayte-keeper said...

You are dealing with so much...I don't know how you cope!

she said...

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Miss Keia Tha Diva said...

I can relate to this. I mean it seems like we are better of as friends then lovers. I mean there are time that i have am ore better conversation with one of my friends or my ex better than my man. And that is ashamed that we have to rely on the attention or affections of other people when we should be able to get that at home.
keia

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品華 said...

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慶天慶天 said...

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Shar said...

I will keep you in my prayers....o sorry heeeeey sistaaaaa. Havent been here in awhile and was hoping to read some good news here...


take care

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Pay somebody back in his own coin.................................................................

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oluSimeon said...

you are a good woman..
keeping being you..

doll said...

howz you madam. Been a while. hope you are doing good.

Hit me up

dolchic@gmail.com

BreatheBelieveBlog said...

Your honesty is refreshing! By putting it out there you realize how many other are also going through similar turmoil. You are not alone! I hope you find the answer to all of your current issues in your life and don't give up on the ones who love you and who you love. Good luck. Xxx

Shar said...

hey babe I see you are still needing therapy. I hope to see you too on my blog. Ive started a new one. This is Oyin....

Shar said...

o btw... I stole some of your pics for my blog. wink

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myheartlongsthesea said...

Aww, i know what you feel as i am a wife and a mother as well. I may not know you but then i wish that all the tribulations in your life right now will be alleviated. My prayers are for you.




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