Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Life is what you make it. I'm trying to make the best of mine but something always seems to get in the way. No complaints. I'm just moving along and trying to get the nut that all squirrels like me need to survive.
My husband and I are okay. It's nothing to write home about. At times I feel like we're best friends who have sex once in a while. It doesn't happen that often. We had some terrible sex the other day that left me with my lips twisted and my kitty unsatisfied. It was.....Man, I have no idea what the hell it was. I do know that he fell asleep.
Anyway, on to the next. I found out that my daughter, who's been the bane of my existence, has been clinically depressed for years. She has been in therapy since her senior year in high school. She didn't tell anyone. My daughter has been curled up into a sad ball for years.
She dealt with it on her own because she thought I had enough on my mind between her father's behavior and the money problems we were having at the time. Boy did that make me feel great. What a wonderful mother I was. I felt like a complete and total failure. I cried for a few days after she finally decided to tell me what she'd been going through.
I was fine after a while. We talked and my daughter actually said she felt better about our relationship. It was one of those tears flowing, snot running, soul bearing types of conversations. I actually felt a lot better afterwards....But
It's very hard to deal with the situation. My daughter's attitude is very nasty. She leaves dishes in the sink like she expects us to wash them for her. She uses the bathroom, finishes the roll of toilet tissue, and walks out and leaves it for the next person to change. She's annoying, defensive, anti-social, entitled, and oh yeah, depressed.
I feel like everything I say and do is under her microscope. I walk on egg shells because I don't want to hurt her feelings. When your child tells you they've had thoughts of suicide you don't really want to yell at them for leaving dishes in the sink. When you go into her room and she's lying in bed crying, you don't want to ask her why she didn't replace the toilet tissue.
What's a mother to do?
I thought we were going to work on our relationship but she's still locking herself in her room. When I ask her how she's feeling she just says, "Fine." When she's crying and I ask if she wants to talk she says, "I'll be okay." What do you do when you extend the olive branch and it's thrown back in your face?
At this point i'm not feeling as guilty. I'm tired of dealing with her. I don't know what to do. Giving up is not something I want to do. I'd love to hang in there. I'm trying, I really am. It's just not easy.
I'd love to enjoy a block of time where I can just live and not worry. I want to be a good mother and wife but I also want to have a life. My husband and daughter are the only people who seem to always make my life difficult. He's not as bad lately. She, however, always seems to come up with something.
If i'm being honest, I have to admit that i'm ready for my daughter to move out. I think we need our freedom. This is the place where I can be honest. I'm sick and tired, tired and sick. I want to live my life! Too bad. You can't kick a clinically depressed child out.
Oh yeah, I decided not to deal with the guy I exchanged numbers with. He called me five times and sent me three text messages the day I gave him my number. Not a good sign. I told him I had some things going on that he probably didn't want to be dragged into. No fun. I just wanted to have fun and see what happened. Oh well...