Journey of a Woman Scorned

Oh.....Life

2010-03-03T11:14:00.000-08:00

Life is what you make it. I'm trying to make the best of mine but something always seems to get in the way. No complaints. I'm just moving along and trying to get the nut that all squirrels like me need to survive.

My husband and I are okay. It's nothing to write home about. At times I feel like we're best friends who have sex once in a while. It doesn't happen that often. We had some terrible sex the other day that left me with my lips twisted and my kitty unsatisfied. It was.....Man, I have no idea what the hell it was. I do know that he fell asleep.

Anyway, on to the next. I found out that my daughter, who's been the bane of my existence, has been clinically depressed for years. She has been in therapy since her senior year in high school. She didn't tell anyone. My daughter has been curled up into a sad ball for years.

She dealt with it on her own because she thought I had enough on my mind between her father's behavior and the money problems we were having at the time. Boy did that make me feel great. What a wonderful mother I was. I felt like a complete and total failure. I cried for a few days after she finally decided to tell me what she'd been going through.

I was fine after a while. We talked and my daughter actually said she felt better about our relationship. It was one of those tears flowing, snot running, soul bearing types of conversations. I actually felt a lot better afterwards....But

It's very hard to deal with the situation. My daughter's attitude is very nasty. She leaves dishes in the sink like she expects us to wash them for her. She uses the bathroom, finishes the roll of toilet tissue, and walks out and leaves it for the next person to change. She's annoying, defensive, anti-social, entitled, and oh yeah, depressed.

I feel like everything I say and do is under her microscope. I walk on egg shells because I don't want to hurt her feelings. When your child tells you they've had thoughts of suicide you don't really want to yell at them for leaving dishes in the sink. When you go into her room and she's lying in bed crying, you don't want to ask her why she didn't replace the toilet tissue.

What's a mother to do?

I thought we were going to work on our relationship but she's still locking herself in her room. When I ask her how she's feeling she just says, "Fine." When she's crying and I ask if she wants to talk she says, "I'll be okay." What do you do when you extend the olive branch and it's thrown back in your face?

At this point i'm not feeling as guilty. I'm tired of dealing with her. I don't know what to do. Giving up is not something I want to do. I'd love to hang in there. I'm trying, I really am. It's just not easy.

I'd love to enjoy a block of time where I can just live and not worry. I want to be a good mother and wife but I also want to have a life. My husband and daughter are the only people who seem to always make my life difficult. He's not as bad lately. She, however, always seems to come up with something.

If i'm being honest, I have to admit that i'm ready for my daughter to move out. I think we need our freedom. This is the place where I can be honest. I'm sick and tired, tired and sick. I want to live my life! Too bad. You can't kick a clinically depressed child out.

Oh yeah, I decided not to deal with the guy I exchanged numbers with. He called me five times and sent me three text messages the day I gave him my number. Not a good sign. I told him I had some things going on that he probably didn't want to be dragged into. No fun. I just wanted to have fun and see what happened. Oh well...

One day...

Wooh!

2010-01-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

The plot of my life seems to do nothing but thicken. So here we go...

I was at work minding my own business this morning when someone I know in passing came to talk to me. It took me a minute to realize that the talking had moved to flirting. The flirting moved to us looking into one another's eyes and that led to him giving me his number.

Shocking!

I'm not one to talk to men or flirt. I usually have so much on my mind that i'm just moving along. If men speak to me, I smile and that's about it. In this instance there was nowhere for me to go and I didn't really mind. I felt like a woman.

Anyway...

We talked for a little while and he told me that I was mysterious. I said, "That's a good thing." He just smiled and said, "No it's not." I told him if he wanted predictable he was talking to the wrong woman. Was this me talking or was I having an out of body experience. I've been with my husband so long that I thought I had forgot how to talk to men. I'm not even sure I ever knew. I've been with him since I was a teenager.

So...

I took the number. He asked me for a piece of paper and I knew what that meant. My body got up faster than I wanted it to and I found paper and pen for him. I didn't even know his name. We would say hello if we passed in the hall but never had a real conversation. I don't have a lot of conversations. All I do is think about the new bull shit going on in my life.

Sean...

That's his name. It doesn't really fit. He's a m-a-n and that name is not what I expected him to write down. He kept looking at me with this confused look on his face. When I asked him why he was looking at me like that all he could say was, "You are something else." I'm not sure what he meant by that. I just know I was enjoying the back and forth. I'm very sarcastic and it takes a thick skin to keep up with me. He didn't have a problem with it at all.

Hmm...

What the hell am I doing? Should I have talked to him? I know i'll see him again. What am I going to say when he asks why I didn't call. Should I call? Will I call? I know I want to, but would it be a good idea? Should I use the excuse that my husband has cheated for most of our marriage and now it's my turn to have some fun? Does it matter that my husband and I are getting along really well right now?

Exhaling....

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I have slept with the same man more than half of my life and he has slept with Lord knows how many women. I don't feel guilty about flirting or even taking the number. I'm actually feeling a little giddy. They say that everything happens for a reason. What could the reason be? To make me feel like a woman? Am I being testing?

Scared....

What if I talk to him and I like him? Have I gotten myself into something I cannot handle? Why the hell is a simple phone number spinning me around this way? It's not that i'm out of practice. I guess it's because i've never been in the game. Is this even a game I want to play?

Omission...

Umm, I gave him my number. What if he calls?

Damn....

Dark Cloud

2010-01-11T09:49:00.001-08:00

I'm doing pretty good. My marriage is improving and that's a good thing. I'm not delving into the who, what, or when. I'm just living my life with the man I love. I figure things will work themselves out. Thinking, wondering, and snooping is not going to do me any good. All those things do is make me more confused and unable to function.

My household is a lot happier. The only problem is the dark cloud my daughter brings when she's at home. I don't know what the problem is. Things were going great and she reverted back to the hermit she was before. I don't understand it at all. To be very honest i'm sick of it. It's time for her to go.

The entire family has been working together. We've been spending time together and making sure to have family outings when we can. My daughter only goes if it's a special occasion. The only time she wants to be bothered is if it's a holiday or someone's birthday. You get the picture.

Her attitude is very nasty. I'm having a hard time dealing with it. She comes home from work late, after the kitchen has been cleaned, and puts her dishes in the sink. This pisses me off to no end. Her father doesn't say anything about it, he just washes the dishes and complains to me. When I finally had enough and said something to her she acted like a wounded puppy.

How long am I suppose to feel bad for her? I know she has some issues with the way she was raised and a lot of them are valid. Am I suppose to pay for her hurt for the rest of my life? Does she have the right to act like a victim forever? If we are all trying to heal, and making a lot of progress, shouldn't she at least try to get on board? It's so annoying.

I have tried. I offered to sit down and talk and she didn't want to do that. What am I suppose to do? All I want to do is live a happy life. I want my children to be happy. I really do. I'm not going to kill myself trying to do that anymore. I have children who want to be a part of my life. There's no way i'm going to use up all my energy coddling one, even when I want to. I just can't do it anymore.

I'll never say i'm done with my child. I will never give up on her, but I am taking a step back. Do I wish we had a better relationship? Of course I do. I feel like the one we have now is basically non-existent. We barely talk. It's not my choice but i'm not going to kiss her ass anymore. All I can do is love her and let her find whatever it is she's looking for. I just hope she finds it real soon because I don't think I can take the attitude anymore.

Feeling the changes i'm going through

2009-11-05T07:50:00.001-08:00

I'm tired.

That's really all I wanted to say. I just want to live a life where i'm not thinking, thinking, thinking. I try to keep pushing but this shit is hard. Life is hard. Living is work. Loving is hectic.

I love my husband to death but he is driving me crazy. He's getting on my last damned nerve. The thing that drives me the craziest is his financial irresponsibility. I have things that goals that i'm trying to achieve and he lives in the moment. He talks about the future but makes no effort to plan for it. It's so fucking annoying!

It's to the point where I have to really sit down and decide if I want to continue to be with someone I love that may not allow me to have a better future. He's always saying, "One day at a time," but i'm not sure he realizes that you cannot always live your life that way.

His attitude is so stink that I don't want to talk to him at times. Deep down I think he is unhappy with himself. There are so many issues that he needs to resolve. We started chipping away at his layers when we were in therapy and I saw a big change in him. Lately i've noticed that he has gone back to the angry man he was years ago. I'm not crazy about that man. He's not the one I fell in love with. The one I fell in love with was loving and supportive.

I have a business idea that I have been trying to get off the ground. My husband has always been very supportive. He helps in every way he can. I definitely appreciate that. He never has a problem with being there for me and trying to help me achieve my goal. I have to give him that.

My husband makes a decent living. He has a blue collar job that pays extremely well. That is more than enough for him. He doesn't want anything else. That's fine because his job definitely does a lot for our family. He makes more than I do. The thing is I sometimes wonder how he will feel if my business takes off and makes money and my dollar signs surpass his. I'm not so sure he would be able to handle that. He would never admit it but I think it's true.

I don't want to have a job forever. A career is what I want. I try not to but I despise what I do for a living. I hate sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen. My existence feels empty for the seven hours of the day I am there. I feel like I settled. I've been working at the same place for 14 years. I've moved around but there's really no room for growth. The excellent benefits are what has kept me there. I can hardly take it. Getting up at 5:00 in the morning to do something you can't stand really sucks.

I have decided that I am going to go away on my own for a few days. A friend of mine is going to let me use her timeshare. I need to get away and collect my thoughts. My life and state of mind are in terrible need of improvement. I have to get a game plan together and decide what I want to do with all the things that need to be fixed. I may be a single business woman by the time i'm done. Who knows?

Choices

2009-08-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy lately that I hardly have time to breathe. I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately and wanted to update what's been going on with me.

I don't have any contact with my sister. I called her a few weeks ago and we talked. Well, actually I did most of the talking. She didn't have much to say. I'm sure she thinks she is innocent in the situation. At this point I can honestly say I don't give a damn. I'm not living my life according to what others think anymore.

I love my sister and don't want anything to happen to her but she made her opinion of my life and decsions very clear. I'm not harping on anyone's judgment of me. She has done and continues to do a lot of things that I do not agree with but I have never judged her or treated her any differently. I wish her well and don't have time to think about her holding that gavel in her hand.

I'm still not really feeling my husband. We go out and have a good time together but we've had sex once since everything happened in June. I'm not into it. He knows how I get when things are incomplete.

In a perfect world I would be on my own. It's just not financially feasible right now. We just got tagged with a huge IRS bill because the chick that did our taxes totally mislead us on a lot of things. We trusted her and ended up in a big ass jam. I'm so upset. When the uncle we all hate comes knocking you have to answer the door or he will destory your life.....THE BASTARD!

My children are all doing wonderful and my relationship with my daughter is better than ever. I'm so happy about that. We've grown much closer and she is much more involved with the family. Her job situation is great and she's in the process of looking for a place. I think that is a great idea. It's time for her to get out into the world and discover new things.

I've been having a lot of fun and doing things on my own. I make sure to go out at least once a week without my husband. He is no longer the focus of my existence. He has noticed that and I think he is scared. He tries to act like he's happy that I am trying to carve out a new social life for myself but I know that is not 100% true. He's done so much wrong that he doesn't know what i'll let happen. To be honest, I don't either.

The first time I went out with my girlfriend he called my cell phone a few times and I didn't answer. I called him back when I was on my way home and he tried to start an argument with me. I wasn't trying to get into an argument for doing something he does all the time. I told him he was wasting his breath and kept it moving. I've been going strong ever since.

I am finally allowing myself to have a life of choices. I got out when I choose to. I have made the choice not to feed into my husband's childish behavior and have stupid arguments that lead nowhere (he's good for that). If I choose to have sex with him I will. Right now that's not what I want.

Right now I choose to stay with my husband and see how things go. I'm taking life one day at a time and trying to find the me I should have been looking for a long time ago. I'm not going to over think things like I usually do. I refuse to become stressed out. That has always been a big problem for me.

I am determined to enjoy life. I've spent too many years with a wrinkled forehead. I'm letting go of all the old stuff bit by bit and smiling a lot more. My freedom has been imprisoned for too long. I'm setting myself free and living my life like it's golden. I know there will be bumps along the way but if I don't start taking my life back i'll never be free.

I'm taking a short trip with my girlfriends and her sister in a couple weeks and i'm so excited. We're not leaving the country. It's just a short getaway. I'm looking forward to clearing my head and having a good time. I'm choosing to improve the things i've been complaining about and do my best to make the most of my life.

2009-07-25T05:19:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I told my sister how I felt. She's been acting sort of nasty lately so I emailed her. I didn't feel like having some long drawn out conversation so I did it that way. I know it wasn't the right way to go about it but, to be honest, I don't care anymore. I've decided that i'm just not going to deal with her.

I have a lot going on. I have a 17 year old foster son and I just found out that he is going to be a father. He's been dating his girlfriend since he moved in with us at 15. We really love him. He wants us to adopt him before he turns 18. We haven't done so because he was holding out hope that his mother would get herself together and become a part of his life again. Through therapy and a lot of talking he has come to terms with the fact that it's not going to happen.

I got a call from the girl's mother last Saturday morning. He was at work. She wanted to speak to him but since he wasn't available she thought she would tell me in a very light hearted voice that I was going to be a grandmother. My reaction was far from light hearted. I was in shock!

We talk very openly about sex in my home. I want my children to be informed. My son is very upset about the pregnancy. He said he used a condom every time and his girfriend told him she was on the pill. She even showed him the pack. They were having sex when he came to us and my husband and I both sat him down and did the whole birds and bees thing.

The girl and her mother are ecstatic. They think this pregnancy is a wonderful idea. She is 17 and still in the 10th grade. Our son received a full scholarship from Villanova University and was excited about going to college. We're not sure what to do now. He has already accepted. There's a baby on the way now and he has to do his part, but we really want him to get that degree. He's a very smart young man who has had a rough life. He's seen more at 17 than i've seen and i'm over 40.

I don't want his life to have to take such a drastic turn because one condom broke. He is heartbroken because he thinks he's not going to be able to go to school. The girl's mother says she is willing to help in any way she can and my husband and I feel the same. The thing is, he will not be able to spend time with his child if he is away at college.

It's a crazy situation. My son feels like he did everything he was suppose to do. He used protection and was positive that his girlfriend was on the pill. The girl and her mother will not listen to anything he has to say. He feels like he has no say in the situation. I feel for him but told him that was the chance he took when he started having sex.

My husband feels that the girl is being selfish because she is not considering his opinion or his future. I had to explain to him that he has no idea how it feels to have an abortion. Also, this girl has had a pretty tumultuous upbringing. No one has taught her anything about setting goals for the future. All she can see is right now. This is also an opportunity for her to bond with a mother who has not treated her well.

I really want my son to go to school. We will be willing to allow him to come home two weekends a month and take his child to see him when we can. He has a job and instead of buying video games and clothes this summer he is going to have to save for pampers and formula.

My entire family has his back. I love that young man like I had him. I am determined to make sure he has a bright future. We will make this situation work. I do not have time to think about my sister and her foolishness. I want to keep my family together. I don't care what she thinks anymore. I know she loves me but she is allowing her feelings for the man i'm married to to cloud her judgment. All she has to do is be there for me. It's not like I talk to her about what's going on in my life anyway. She just happened to see whatever it is she thinks she saw.

I'm going to be a grandmother. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. A child is always a blessing but I wish my could go away to college with a clear head. The adoption will be final soon and our son will officially be ours. I know how I feel about that. He was so troubled when he came to us. He's a different person now. We are all very proud of the progress he has made. His plans for the future do not have to change. The climb is just going to be a little harder. We will all be there every step of the way helping him get up that hill.

2009-07-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

Well, things have been interesting. I've just decided to live my life and not worry about anything. My husband and I are getting along but i'm not in the mood to have sex with him. It's been a few months. That's just not going to happen right now. It doesn't matter that i'm not sure if he did what he's accused of. I'm just not in a place where I want to get intimate.

My relationship with my sister is terrible. I don't appreciate the way she reacted to everything. Just because I didn't do what she thought I should she kind of turned her back on me in judgment. I don't have time for people like that no matter who they are. In her mind, i'm upset with her for telling me what she saw. All that does is prove that she does not know me.

I've never judged my sister. She has done a lot of things that I don't approve of at all but i've tried to be there for her in an open and honest way. The fact that I have not received the same treatment hurts. If you love me you love me. It's not about your hate for my husband. I still don't even know what's going to happen in my marital future. It would be nice to have a sister to discuss it with.

I've been relying a lot on my brother. The two of us haven't always been that close but he's handling the situation like an adult, giving me awesome advice, and not concentrating on what my husband did or did not do. It's all about our relationship. That's all I need. I do not want to be judged, especially by someone who is suppose to have my best interest at heart.

Feeling Much Better!

2009-07-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have officially decided to let go and let God. I mean it. If I don't take that route i'm going to go crazy.

Things in my home have been amazing. My children are happier than ever, even my daughter. She's the only one home right now. One is away with her Godparents and the rest are with my mother-in-law. We were all having a great time together when they were here.

My children's happiness means a lot to me. They're loving having their father around all the time. After the alleged incident I wasn't sure what to do because I didn't want to take their father away just when they felt like they got him back. It took me a while to realize that I had to do what was right for me. I'm still not exactly sure what that is so i'm going to take it one day at a time.

I'm spending time with my husband but he knows things are not settled yet. I'm just living my life. I've made plans to hang out with friends and have decided to have a me day at least twice a month, if not more. I refuse to spend so much time and energy worrying about what people will think if I stay with my husband or trying to figure out if he lied. I'm just going to live. I really mean it.

I want to enjoy myself and have fun. I've spent a lot of years down in the dumps. I can't do that anymore. It's wonderful to see that my children feel like they can exhale and not worry about mommy and daddy. They all have twinkles in their eyes, even the older ones. I don't know what will happen if I choose to move on without their father but hopefully it won't affect their relationship.

My husband has done a lot of things but I know that he loves his children. He was really under the impression that his cheating did not affect them. After marriage counseling and a lot of talking he knows the truth. He realizes that he has to spend time with all the kids. He may not be able to totally repair the damage he's done to his relationship with the two oldest but they seem to be willing to give him a second chance.

My daughter has really opened up. That makes me so happy. We're spending a lot more time together and she seems so much happier. I make sure I hug and kiss her and tell her I love her every day. She really needs that. I can tell by the way she hugs me. She's my first born. We've been together a long time. I have to make sure she's okay.

Life continues. I'm not going to get left behind anymore. Whatever will be will be.

I can't complain

2009-07-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

Considering all that I have on my mind i'd say I'm doing pretty good. I don't know what the future is going to bring but i'm also not worried about it. I'm sick of investigating and trying to figure out what my husband did or didn't do. There's really no way for me to get to the bottom of the situation. I do know that I don't trust some of the people I use to trust and this situation has showed me who a few people really are.

I can't say i'll stay with my husband and I can't say I won't. I do love him and see lots of changes in him. That doesn't mean he didn't do what he's accused of. So what now? I just pray that God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. I'm taking life step by step.

I had dinner with one of my best friends after work Friday. We hadn't seen each other for a very long time. I told her what happened and her advice was to get out of my head and let nature take its course. It felt good to talk to my her. She is one of the people I trust most in the world and her advice is always important to me. We've been through a lot together. She knows my story and I know hers.

I can be totally open with my friend and know that she will not judge me. It felt so good to sit across the table from her and get all the crap off my chest. There aren't many people I can talk to and be completely honest about what is going on in my marriage. I have two best friends and they offer advice and love unconditionally.

My other friend feels that things happen and whether or not my husband did what people are saying he did I should go with my heart. She says I am the only one who can make the decision and what other people say does not matter.

My sister has pulled away from me. I think she's disappointed. She expected this to be the final straw and hoped that I would leave my husband. I can feel her judgment whenever we talk. Things are strained between the two of us. I talked to our brother and he says no one else is in my home or my heart and the decision is mine. He said our sister was on the side of the conversation and doesn't really know what was being said.

It's a big mess. I'm really trying not to think about it but I can't help it. I haven't had sex with my husband in almost two months. I'm just not feeling it right now. There's too much confusion and I can't give myself freely to him right now. I would love to be with him but I just can't do it. Things seem right when we're together but i'm not all the way there. I love spending time with him but i'm scared that I will never be able to trust him. I'm hoping I can get it together one way or another.

I'm not going to complain. There are so many people doing worse than I am. I have my health and people who love me. I know that my main worry is looking like a fool and staying with a man who would try to pick up another woman while i'm standing outside waiting for him. On the other hand, I don't want to end my marriage and blame him for something he did not do.

It's going to work itself out. I can't dwell. I'm finding my footing and trying to get it together. I want to have a life of my own. I'm sure the decision will come when that happens. I need to focus more on myself and less on what my husband did or did not do and what other people think.

Can I Live?

2009-06-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

My husband called me at work yesterday and asked if i'd like to go to the movies. It was a nice day and I didn't really want to go home after work, so I told him yes. A little while after I spoke to him my best friend, who I haven't seen in about 18 months, called and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink. I should have gone with her but I decided to go to the movies with my husband. We did, however, decide to meet up one day next week. She's the one person I use to confide in. We drifted apart because her job is very demanding and she moved quite a distance away.

Anyway, my husband picked me up from work and we went to see The Taking of Pelham 123. The seat in the theater had the arm rests that moved up and down. I moved kind of far away from him because I know that he doesn't like to put it down. We usually sit close to one another. The movies is our thing. We always snuggle and eat popcorn when we go.

He grabbed my hand and I cringed. I'm not sure if he noticed. He took my hand and rubbed it on his crotch and laughed, which normally would not have bothered me. We play around like that all the time. I was more bothered when I realized that he is trying to act like everything is okay. I did not move or react and my grip on his hand was very loose. My body language was obvious, but he did not let my hand go.

I'm still not sure what to believe or do. My husband is professing his innocence, my sister is convinced he did something wrong, his cousin is telling me she was there and he didn't do anything out of the ordinary, my head says leave but my heart says stay. The situation is driving me crazy and I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.

My nephew graduated from junior high school the other day and he wants us all to go out to dinner this evening. My husband wants to go but my sister does not want him there. Personally, I think she's being selfish. It's not about her. My nephew loves my husband and will be looking for him. What am I suppose to say when he asks me why his uncle didn't come?

This whole thing is stressing me out so much that I don't know what to do. I just want to live my life without all the drama. I deserve that. I'm thinking about hopping on a bus and going somewhere for the weekend. I need time to myself. I'm tired of being pulled in so many directions. Everyone thinks i'm suppose to listen to them or do what they think I should do. This is my life.

I'm not sure what to believe. My husband has lied in the past, but my sister is not above exaggerating the story. I do know that I am exhausted. It's summertime and I should be having fun. I'm tired. I just want to live...

Father's Day

2009-06-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

Had a great day with the family yesterday. It was a family outing we all have been needing for a long time. We were going to go on a boat ride but it was raining so we had to revise our plan. My husband loves video games so the kids suggested we take him to an arcade. We had a great time!

The whole family was there and it was just marvelous. I was even able to stop thinking about my marital woes. My daughter seemed to enjoy herself more than anyone and that made me really happy. She seems a lot happier these days.

I think we played every game in the arcade. My husband and I were running around like kids. At one point I stopped and watched him with our children. It was so cute. I think he was having more fun than they were. We all really enjoyed playing basketball and skee ball against each other. I'm the skee ball master. We must have had a billion tickets by the time we left that arcade. Of course we got a bunch of nothing. A great time was had by all. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in a very long time. It's very rare that we're all together like that. I think every one of us had permanent smiles on our faces.

The kids cooked dinner for their dad when we got home. They would ask me questions from time to time but wouldn't let me help. That was fine with me. Hubby and I watched some of the shows on our DVR while they cooked. He could not stop talking about what a good time he had. He looked like he wanted to cry a few happy tears.

We ate together and watched a movie. I have to say, it was one of the best days we've had as a family in a very long time. Everyone was very happy. It's times like this that make it so hard for me to end my marriage. I know how great things can be. I know I can't rely on that to make me decision, but it makes it so much harder to give up and leave.

I'm glad we were able to have such a wonderful day. It was great to see my daughter smiling and participating. She has been a lot more open lately. I guess therapy is helping. Speaking of therapy, I have decided to go on a weekly basis. I think it will help me too.

I don't know what the future is going to bring, but i'll always remember yesterday as one of the best days i've ever had.

What now?

2009-06-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to question so many things. I'm not sure what the hell went on at that party anymore. Things seemed so clear in the beginning. It was easy to wash my hands of my marriage when I hadn't really spoken to my husband. Things have definitely changed since my last post.

I went to see our marriage counselor on my own. She's so easy to talk to. I told her what happened and it felt so good to get all of that mess off my chest. She feels that in order for me to come to a decision, I need to understand what all of this means to me and figure out why I don't seem to be able to break away from a marriage that may not be as healthy as it should be. Basically, she thinks I need to do some soul searching. I think she's right.

After the letter and the text messages I decided to call my husband and ask him if he wanted to sit down and talk. It was my intention to tell him that our marriage was over and I wanted a divorce. I went back and forth all day and felt that I had the strength to do so. What else could I do? I had already told him that he had run out of chances. I couldn't turn back.

We went and sat on a park bench when I got off work. The conversation did not immediately turn to all the drama. There was an incident at his job that really bothered him and I let him talk it out. To be honest I wasn't really in a rush to talk about what transpired and how I was feeling. I didn't really want to deal with it but knew I had no choice.

I told him how I felt about everything. I tried really hard not to forget anything. It was very important that I got everything off my chest. I gave him the floor and when he was done, my mind went into a tailspin. He was so convincing. The man was adamant when he told me that he would never do something like that to me. He said the whole thing was a misunderstanding and professed his love for me. We had a really good talk. When it ended I was more confused than ever.

It was easy to say it's over and i'm getting a divorce when I wasn't speaking to, or dealing with, my husband. Things are different when you look into the eyes of the person you have loved for so many years and they are telling you that they would never do what they're accused of doing.

When we talked my husband said he wondered why no one said anything to him if they thought he was doing something inappropriate. My sister said she went up to him and asked him what he was doing. I love my sister, but I also know how she feels about my husband. She knows about some of the things he has done in the past and would be very happy if our marriage ended. As I think about the situation it would not surprise me if she blew it up to be more than it actually was. She told me she hates my husband and i'm too good for him. I'm pretty sure she would do almost anything she could to insure that I left him.

I spoke to the woman he was suppose to have approached through email and she didn't really give any detail. She would only say that she could not believe he would do something like that while I was standing outside waiting. Actually, I spoke to everyone involved (those who saw and heard things), except one person up until yesterday.

One of the missing pieces of the puzzle was my husband's cousin. He told me she was there the whole time. I finally got in touch with her yesterday and she said she did not hear him ask for the number, but was there while they were talking. She said she did not see or hear anything out of the ordinary. Her advice was to make my decision with an open heart and not to worry about what people think.

My husband and I spoke again yesterday. We talked about several parts of our relationship. He said a lot of good things. My confusion seems to deepen every day. I went from being 100% sure I was done to having no idea where to turn. Love really makes you do crazy things. It makes you do things you never thought possible. Part of me believes him and other parts of me doesn't.

My mind and heart are battling right now. My mind says things don't add up, but my heart is full of love for my husband. My mind says I should cut my losses now, but my heart says he seemed so honest when we talked by the park. I know my husband very well and he did not seem to be lying. At the same time, there are a few things that make me think his story isn't true.

So what do I do? Do I stay with the man who has cheated on me in the past and assume that he is guilty? Do I go with my heart and be with the man I love? It's a hard decision. I don't want to make a mistake and end up being with someone who is lying to me and making me look like a fool. We were on the couch watching television yesterday and he put his head in my lap. It felt so right. My heart was hardened to him when all of this drama began and now it's starting to melt.

What's a girl to do?

The Saga Continues

2009-06-12T04:50:00.001-07:00

When I opened my eyes at 5:30 this morning the first thing I saw was a white piece of paper on the dinner tray I left up the night before that said, "Please read." I wasn't sure if I wanted to read it. My first instinct was to tear it up and move on. Curiosity got the best of me and I read it. This is what it said:

Good morning,

I know I have messed up really bad with you and you have no trust for me. When we first started going to counseling I really felt I had no chance, but after a while I saw you becoming relaxed and happy. I started feeling better about myself because of you. I began to feel like we really had a chance and that you may actually trust me one day.

Recently I found out that you were lying and wasn't really giving me the benefit of being trusted again. It wouldn't have bothered me before but I really committed after going to therapy. We were making changes. I went to therapy for you and me. I thought it was a chance for me to be trusted by you again. This is why I need to tell you again that the way things came out of my mouth was not what was intended.

I'm really not trying to lose you. I already knew we had issues. Why would I do some disrespectful shit like that and make matters worse? I know you are in pain because I can feel it to the point that I am sick and weak. I love you more than you know. I also keep wondering why no one said anything to me if they thought I was doing something wrong. Instead they held it in until later to tell you like it was some big secret. Anyway, i'm not going to dwell on that.

Please don't leave me. I need you and I love you. If you had just a little trust in me this may not have gone so far. I really do love you and I did not do this. Just because someone looks guilty it doesn't mean they are.

I have been feeling strong since this whole ordeal started. Before I went to bed I wrote in my journal, "I will not cry. He does not deserve my tears." I was so mad at myself when I cried after reading the letter. I really want the things he wrote to be true. I don't want to leave my husband, but I feel like I have no choice.

I sat for a few minutes and tried to decide what to do. I did not want to call him so I sent him a text message instead. Well, I sent three. Here's what happened:

Me:

I would never strictly go by what someone saw. It wasn't even the first time you tried to get with this woman, and I was in the vicinity both times. I am so disgusted that I can't even look at you. I'm tired of all this mess. I just want to live my life and not carry this garbage around. I'm sorry you feel bad. It's the way i've been feeling for a long time. You went to therapy because you fucked up so much that you didn't have a choice.

Him:

Then that's it? For something I did not do?

Me:

I'm not sure what you want from me. It's like you think i'm your doormat and I will just believe anything you say. I'm not stupid! I don't want to hear you telling me ten years down that road that you did this. You need to man up and be honest and stop treating me like i'm dumb. It pisses me off. I spoke to her and people who saw and heard and it's not who you think.

Him:

No response

Me:

I love you to death and I always will. I know that you are my soul mate. It's too bad you don't respect me as a woman and as your wife.

Him:

I do you just don't acknowledge it. I would like to be treated like a man and a husband. (I have no idea what he meant by that)

I really do love this man. The problem is i've put him before myself for too many years. I can't do it anymore. I really don't want to end my marriage but at this point I feel like I have no choice. It's a sad situation. I really want to believe him but things just don't add up. I'm beginning to feel the pain that I didn't want to deal with. I was content and happy that things were ending and now reality is setting in.

I called our marriage counselor and told her we will not be coming back. I made an appointment to see her alone. If I am really going to move on I need some help. I've gone through a lot over the years and parts of me are still damaged. Wow! My marriage is coming to an end. I can't believe it.

Stronger

2009-06-11T05:37:00.001-07:00

I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. If this would have happened then it would have destroyed me. I would have crawled up into my regular ball and felt like dying. Things are so damned different this time. I am so over this situation that I really don't have time to dwell on it. If my husband wants to conduct himself like a horny teenaged boy with no control he can have at it. I'm a grown ass woman and will continue to act like one.

If I had not taken this journey seriously, and changed a lot of things about myself, he would be dead or in the hospital right now. I seriously contemplated killing him. I probably could have pleaded temporary insanity after all that he has put me through. I think I was insane. How could I have put up with all his shit? Is love really that deep? Why was I a fool for it? It's not like I needed him in my life.

The people who know keep asking me if i'm alright and when I tell them that I am they don't believe me. I'm not lying at all. I feel fine. Like I said in my previous post, I gave him a chance and he messed it up. I did my part. It's time for me to move on. The only problem is he won't move on, I mean out. He's determined to stay and wait it out.

I know he thinks things will smooth out and i'll forgive him. He's totally wrong. I have checked out. My heart is closed to him. He's stepped on it too many times and i'm not going to let it happen again. I will always love him, but that love seems to come with so many bad memories that I don't want to deal with it.

He's been cooking and cleaning all week long, like that's going to change something. He usually hangs out with his friends every Thursday and tonight he has decided to stay home. I don't know why he's wasting his time. There is nothing he can say or do that will change things at this point. I wish him well. I know that my life will be much better without the stress of his bullshit following me around.

The journey continues. Who knows where it will lead...

No More Drama!

2009-06-08T05:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I gave it a try and it didn't work so now i'm moving on. My marriage is done. I'm not even sad. No one can say I didn't go for it. Forgiveness is an important thing. I'm glad I gave my husband the chance to prove that he could be faithful. It's too bad he couldn't do it.

So, we went to his cousin's birthday party Friday night. We had an absolute blast! Everyone drank and danced the night away. My husband works every Saturday and he has to get up really early in the morning. Around 12:30 he decided he wanted to leave and rushed me and my sister out the door. We weren't ready to leave but neither one of us wanted to take a cab home and he was driving.

My sister and I made our way through the crowd and outside to the car, which was parked in front of the lounge. We stood there and waited for about 10 minutes before I started to get pissed off. I called his cell phone and he said he was looking for his cousin so he could let her know were leaving. After waiting another 15 mintutes I sent my sister inside to see what was going on. I didn't have a hand stamp and didn't want to deal with any drama.

A few minutes later my husband and sister came outside. She had a funny look on her face and he looked upset. I was pissed! How the hell are you going to have me standing outside waiting for you and you come outside with bag full of birthday cake and a scowl?

We dropped my sister off and as soon as we pulled up to our place I jumped out of the car and left him. He barely came to a stop before I got out. I went into our bedroom and locked the door. I really did not want to be bothered with him. To be honest, i'd been feeling funny for a few weeks. I just felt like something wasn't right.

So, anyway, fast forward to Saturday afternoon. My son's fraternity was having a charity brunch and my sisters and I were going to meet up and go together. I was getting dressed when my husband came home. As I was putting my clothes on I got a text from the sister I partied with the night before. She said she needed to talk to me. I already knew it wasn't going to be anything good.

We met before our other sister arrived and she proceeds to tell me that when she went back inside she saw my husband trying to holla at one of his cousin's friends. I honestly felt like falling over. I was in shock. Yes, he has cheated but I didn't think he would stoop that low.

When my sister saw him she asked him what the fuck he was doing and he said he was getting cake. While he had his back turned his cousin's friend put her hands in the air and mouthed, "What the hell is wrong with him?" My sister felt so uncomfortable and angry. She knows about some of the things my husband has done and was disappointed when I decided to try counseling and give him another chance.

We went to my son's fraternity event and had a good time. I tried not to think of the slime ball I was going to divorce. My sister's kept asking me if I was okay and even though I knew they meant well it was getting on my nerves. All I knew was I could not go home. I kept having visions of stabbing the slimeball in his sleep and he's definitely not worth me doing jail time.

I went home with my sister. She was going to spend some time at her boyfriend's house but I stayed the night. I am definitely capable of extreme violence, especially when my intelligence is being insulted or i'm being disrespected. I knew something would happen if I went home and my children were home. I called and let them know that I would not be coming home. Their father called me back and asked why I was staying at my sister's house and I told him that I would stab him in his sleep if I came home.

He was shocked and wanted to know why I would say something like that and I told him. Of course he denied doing anything. I forgot to say that I spoke to the female and people who were in the area and I know that he did it. There's not question in my mind. I'm not going to go back and forth with it. I am done. He got all indignant and said he did no such thing and hung up on me because he didn't want to hear "that mess." It didn't matte to me one way or another because my decision was already made and nothing he said was going to change my mind.

I also found out that he tried to get with the same female at the New Years Eve party we attended. There's no way i'm going to be with someone like this. I can only imagine what else he has done.

The funny thing is, i'm not hurt. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I thought I would. I need to stay the course and keep improving. He's not going to hold me back. I gave him the chance to improve and he blew it. I'll always love him and wish him the best, but our time together has come to the end. I asked him to move out but he refused. I don't know how it's going to work out but in my mind we are not together. I'm about to spread my wings and get my life on.

Blog Awards

2009-05-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, little ole me got two blog awards. I'm so excited! Here they are:

I am the recipient of the Proiximity Award. It was given to me by one of my favorite bloggers, Lil Honey B. Check her out at the Bee Hive.

PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time, and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. Check up on these writers! The rules are: This blog award should be sent to your favorite 8 bloggers, and they, in turn, should forward it to 8 of their favs.

Gaytekeeper

Oyin

Renaissance Black Woman

D-Place

Keith's Escapades

Fred Smith

Bond Girl

Prostituted Thoughts

I was also given an award my one of my favorires who has been there for all of my journey. I really love this guys blog and his words have meant a lot to me. Thanks Gaytekeeper. I've been splashed.

The Splash award, the rules are:

* Put the logo on your blog post.
* Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.
* Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
* Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.
* Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award.

I don't blog that much so I can't come up with nine bloggers. I only have a few. Here they are:

Love Becomes Her

Dabizniz

Sunshine Loves Peace

Not All Baltimore Chicks Are Stupid

It is what it is

2009-05-26T11:11:00.001-07:00

I took a total break. I took a break from blogging, working, parenting, and everything else. I took some time for myself. It just wasn't working and I needed to get it together.

The situation with my daughter is not better at all. I'm almost ready to tell her to get the hell out of my house. Her attitude is stank, she never interacts with the family, and is just getting on my damned nerves. I'm sick of looking at her dishes in the sink and waiting for her to wash them. Both my husband and I are trying to keep our cool. It's to the point where I just don't want to deal with her. She actually applied for a program in Boston and I pray every day that she gets in. It's time for her to go.

If I did not take a break I think I may have grabbed her by now. I'm not upset about the way she's feeling anymore. I threw out the olive branch a couple times and it was not accepted. At this point I feel like she is reveling in her victim role and does not want to let it go. I just cannot be obsessed with her feelings anymore. That may be wrong, but it's the way I feel.

It felt so good to just do me. I worried only about myself and let my brain take a break. This is something I will be doing on a permanent basis and I don't care how anyone feels about it. If I don't do me i'll go crazy. I've worked really hard to repair my relationship with my husband and I thought life would be so much better. When the situation with my daughter came up I had to make a conscious decision not to let it destroy me and it hasn't.

I love my daughter to death. I'd take ten bullets for that chick. What I will not do is allow her to turn me back into the sad shell of a woman I once was. She feels that I owe her and should kiss all up in her ass until she feels there are enough lip prints on it. That's not going to happen. I gave me away to her father and I will not do it again. I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling and try to work things out and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to sit down and talk and she said no. I asked her what she needed me to do to make things better and she said nothing. I am done.

My husband, the kids, and I were watching a movie yesterday and she came in and said, "Hey." We all said it back and continued to watch the movie. She stood there wondering why we didn't jump for joy when she appeared. When no one did, she sucked her teeth and went into her room and slammed the door. No one was phased. I wanted to tell her to take her ass in the kitchen and wash the dishes she left in the sink but I didn't want to make things worse. I hate it when people put dishes in an empty sink and leave them there. Her father washed them. My plan was to sit them on her bed if they weren't washed by today.

I used to let other people's shit take over my being but that's not going to happen. I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm not fucking with anybody who doesn't want to fuck with me and if that list includes my daughter, it is what it is.

2009-05-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

It’s hump day and I feel like I’m overcoming a big ass hump of my life. Is it wrong if I am to the point where I just don’t give a damn about what people are feeling? I’ve spent a lot of years putting myself on the back burner so that others could be happy. I do it at home and I’ve done it at work. I’m tired of that shit! I’m trying to live. A lot of life has passed me by and I let it happen. I stayed home and raised my children while their father lived the life of a bachelor and allowed myself to get lost, even though I knew it wasn’t what I deserved.

I gave my power away to others and convinced myself that I couldn’t do anything about it when I knew better. Why? I’m not sure I can answer that. There’s really no excuse and I won’t try to act otherwise. I’m close to 50 years old and I’m starting over. In some ways it’s a beautiful thing and in a lot of ways it’s pathetic as hell. This is the time when I should be enjoying life, not figuring it out. My questions and answer period should be done.

My husband has had his time and it’s nice that he has come around but why did I let him get away with so much? In my mind it’s not about rethinking the past, but in my heart I’m feeling like I shouldn’t let it go. All I can say is he’s lucky I love him so much and decided against seeing my murder plots through. He doesn’t even know that I held a knife to his throat while he was sleeping on more than one occasion. It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t his fault that I allowed him to kill my spirit. I knew I couldn’t take his life as payment for the soul I allowed him to trample on. That was on me, so I accepted it and continued to live my shell of a life. I was only existing. There was not living involved.

Fast forward to the now. I’m more in love with my husband than I’ve been in years and I can actually say that I don’t think he is cheating and believe it. He takes time to do the little things that mean so much and we talk about our dreams and goals for the future. That is something we never did and we’ve been together for a lot of years. It feels good. We make sure to do things together and he spends a lot of quality time with his children. They seem to be happier than they’ve been in a long time. Well, most of them are happier.

That brings me to my daughter. When I first found out about her feelings, I was torn up inside. I felt so bad and it was all I could think of. It was heartbreaking to find out that our relationship was not what I thought. I went back and forth trying to figure out how to fix things. I almost went crazy because my mind was racing so much.

It's been a few weeks and at this point I don't really care as much. I know my daughter takes every issue and thinks it into the ground. As I live with the young woman who spends all of her home time in her bedroom, puts dishes in an empty sink and doesn't even think about washing them, leaves her crap all over the place expecting others to clean it up, and just walks around like we all owe her something, it's hard for me to be as upset about the way she feels. I won't say I don't care. I'll just say I have decided to move on with my life.

I have issues with my mother but I don't blame her for a damned thing. It was my choice not to talk to her about the way I feel, so i'm dealing with it. We have a decent relationship and that's good enough. I really don't think my daughter wants to move on. I think she enjoys holding this over me.

At some point I have to worry about my emotions and well-being. This is that point. I'm going to be selfish. That is something I havent' done in years. Allowing people to make me feel bad about me or what I have or haven't done is over. I gotta live.

Distance

2009-04-29T05:35:00.001-07:00

It was so easy to say that I thought things would work out between my daughter and I when she was away. You could not tell me I didn't have it all figured out. Now that she has been home for a little while, i'm realzing that not only do I not have the answers, there's a distance between us.

My daughter has actually put some distance between herself and our entire family. She gets up in the morning, goes to work, does whatever she needs to do when she gets off, comes home, says hello and kisses everyone, and retreats to her room. The only time we see her is when she's getting something to eat or going to the bathroom.

I'm not really sure what to do. How do you try to help someone who doesn't really want to be helped? The situation is really, really difficult. I want to be the mother she says she needs, but how do I do that if she is shutting me out? On one hand she's my daughter and I want to make sure she is okay, but on the other hand she is a grown ass woman and I don't want to invade her space.

I was in the livingroom watching television with a couple of my kids the other day. When I heard my daughter's keys turning the lock I got a knot in my stomach. Knowing what I know has really done a job on the way I feel about her. She feels the way she feels and I totally understand and would never devalue that. The thing is, I know that she thinks everything into the ground. I was nowhere near perfect, but I know that I was not a terrible mother. I'm trying with all of my heart to see things from her side but it's hard knowing you're being blamed for things you're not sure you're responsible for.

I save everything my kids give me. My husband and I were doing some cleaning the other day and I came across some letters my daughter wrote me. The emotions I felt reading them this time were very different from when I first received them. When I first read her words telling me how much she depended on me and how I was always there for her I felt proud. Now i'm not sure what to feel. Was she lying? Was she trying to make me feel better? Did she not mean any of those words?

It's so crazy because I have always prided myself on being the mom whose kids talk to them about any and everything. I have always told my children that they can come to me with anything and they do. After the episode with my daughter, i'm starting to question my relationships with all of my children. I even sat down with each of them to reiterate that I am always here. They all said they knew, but in the back of my mind I wonder. I don't want to second guess my ability as a mother, but should I?

This is not how I want things to be. My marriage counselor comes back next week and i'm trying to decide whether or not I should bring this whole situation up. I need my husband's help, but i'm not sure I want to tell him how I found out about what's going on with our daughter. I gave him a tidbit, but he doesn't know the whole story. I'm not sure what i'm going to do. I just know something's got to give.

Nice Being Alone

2009-04-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

My husband and I had a great time while our kids were gone. We went out a few times, but that wasn't really all that important. The most important thing was the time we spent alone. We really connected and the time was definitely needed. I really do love him. I was able to forget about all the drama and just lose myself in the time I spent with my man.

It was really nice. He picked me up from work every day and we would either go out for dinner or drinks or go home. It didn't really matter. All we cared about was spending time together. I was wondering what was going to happen when his usual hang out day came around. I never mentioned it to him. All I did was wait. I made plans in my head about what I was going to do and kept it moving.

His hang out day came around and he called and said he would be picking me up from work. I was surprised. We went to get something to eat and to our favorite dive for happy hour. While we were there, hubby started telling me about how his co-workers tried to get him to go out with them. He said he told them there was no way he was going to go out with them when he had a beautiful woman waiting to spend time with him. I thought that was sweet.

I'm very thankful that we had the opportunity to be at home without the kids. It is very rare that something like that happens. We could walk around naked if we wanted to, and we did. It's always nice to relax in your own home and lounge around and feel comfortable. We also had some of the best sex we've had in a very long time.

I know this will not be happening any time soon so i'm going to cherish the time we had. We made a date box and put a lot of things inside that we would like to do. Every week we're going to pick something out of the box. We came up with things that we have never done or haven't done in a long time. I'm looking forward to all the fun things we're going to do.

To the Future

2009-04-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

I'm glad my kids are gone this week. It's been nice spending time with my husband and i've had time to think about the situation with my daughter. I feel like i'll be ready to face the future of our relationship when she returns. After the emotional roller coaster I was on after I read her journal, I needed time to get it together.

I feel bad about reading her private thoughts but at the same time I feel like it was suppose to happen. She definitely needed to say some things to me. I know she didn't say all that she could have, but when we talked I could see that it made her feel better. It's not easy carrying all of that animosity and hurt around. Trust me I know. I am in my mid forties and have so many parental issues that it's crazy.

The thing that hurts most about the things I read is that I thought I did a pretty good job of not repeating my mother's mistakes. When I realized I repeated them, it almost destroyed me. I thank God for marriage counseling. I learned how to deal with things that make me unhappy. Instead of closing myself up like I once did, I have learned to try and get to the cause of the problem and find solutions.

I can't worry about the past. Mistakes have been made and feelings have been hurt and it's time for correction. Apologies are in order and i've talked to my husband about it. He has to learn to stop letting his embarrassment about his actions turn into anger. I had to make him understand that excuses and pointing fingers was not going to get it this time. His child, and possibly children, is hurting because of his actions and he needs to stop skirting around the issues and face them. I didn't tell him about the journal, I only told him that our child is carrying a whole lot of the past on her shoulders.

We're going to start doing more things as a family. I'm going to make sure of that. I have to admit that most of my energy has been focused of working through my marital issues. We're doing a lot better. It's time for us to band together and make sure that our children are okay. I'm feeling positive. Things are going to be okay.

That's What I Get For Looking Part 3 - The Letter/Conversation

2009-04-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

So, I woke up with my daughter on my mind. She spent the night with her college friend and I went out to dinner with my husband. I did a lot of praying and asked God to help me decide whether or not I should tell him about what was going on. As we were eating and having a good time, something told me to wait. I stopped thinking about it and enjoyed the time we were spending together.

When I got up this morning, I tried to decide what would be the right thing to do. I really wanted to talk to her, but she said she wasn't ready. After a lot of thought, I sat down and wrote her a five page letter. I poured my heart out and tried to make her understand some of the things that I felt have affected our relationship. I left the letter on her bed and began to clean the house.

The rest of the kids have already left so I figured one good cleaning should do it for the week. My husband was at work and I had the place to myself. I do my best thinking while I clean. All I could think of was what her reaction would be when she read the letter. I poured all of my nervous energy into my cleaning.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest when I heard my daughter come in. I was cleaning one of the bathrooms and I heard her door close. She knocked on the door and said hello and went back into her room to pack for her trip. About ten minutes later I heard her outside the bathroom door. I asked if she needed to come in and she said no and went back into her room.

I decided to go and knock on her door and she asked if we could talk when I was done cleaning. She had tears in her eyes and I told her the cleaning could wait. We had a nice talk. She said she has had a lot of resentment and anger for a long time because she felt like she did not have a childhood. She felt like our relationship revolved around what her father was or was not doing. She's impressed by the changes he is making but feels like she is just getting to know him.

A lot was said. We talked and cried and I apologized. I wish I could tell her that I know the extent of her issues, but I could not say anything. She only went so far. Even though it was a good talk, I know that she did not even scratch the surface of her pain. She said she doesn't harbor the bad feelings she had and would rather work on the future instead of concentrating on the past.

I gave my daughter the opportunity to tell me how she really feels, but she didn't really take it. She sugar coated things. I know that I am her mother and saying certain things to your mother is not easy. I'm going to keep working on it. She has a lot that she needs to get off her chest. Today's conversation was a good start. I feel like our relationship will eventually be repaired. I know that I will definitely work toward that happening.

We ended with a hug and she continued to pack and get ready for her trip. After she left, I tried to think of ways that I can help her. I'm glad she's going to therapy and I really hope it is beneficial. She's been going for a couple months. She didn't mention it when we talked. I'm just happy she is trying to get some help and it impresses me that she took that step. She could have turned to alcohol, drugs, or even sex, to ease her pain but she didn't.

My daughter said she knows we did the best we could and she appreciates that. She also said that we have had a lot of good times and good things happen in our family, but the bad just seem to stick out. I felt like she was trying to make me feel better. I guess she can't help it. I know she loves me despite my faults. We promised to be honest with one another from now on. She said she would tell me if I did or said something that hurt her, but i'm not sure she can. My child lives in her head and she thinks things into the ground. I know that is part of the reason she is going through so much.

I really do not know where to go from here. I pray that I figure out the path that I am suppose to take. I love my daughter with all of my heart and, no matter what it takes, i'm going to do my best to make sure she is okay.

That's What I Get For Looking Part 2 - Text Messages

2009-04-10T09:27:00.001-07:00

So, I went to work the morning after reading my daughter's journal. I was at my desk staring off into space. I sent my daughter a text last night and she answered it this morning. There was a situation I had with some other members of my family and she was kind of in the middle. I texted her to tell her that I had spoken to one of the family members I had the problem with. I retrieved into my own head for a while after the situation and was very upset with my daughter. We never really talked about it. I sent her a text to let her know things were resolved with the family member and this is what ended up happening:

Me - I spoke to ___________. We talked about what happened and cleared the air. Everything is fine.

Daughter - It's nice that you talked to her.

Me - I know. It was kind of petty. I'm glad we're over it.

Daughter - We never talked about what happened.

Me - ? We? Are you still upset about what happened?

Daughter - Yes

Me - I didn't know that. Why didn't you say something?

Daughter - You said we would talk about it.

Me - I did? (I have absolutely no recollection of telling her we would talk)I'm sorry. Why didn't you remind me?

Daughter - I didn't feel like initiating the conversation. (In her journal she said she was not going to say anything if I didn't)

Me - Do you feel like you can't talk to me?

Daughter - I'm just use to dealing with things on my own.

Me - I really did not know you were still upset. I'm very sorry about that. I love you very much and don't want to hurt your feelings.

Daughter - I love you too.

Me - I feel a huge distance between us and I don't know what it's about.

Daughter - I feel like there were a lot of struggles in our family and I had to grow up fast.

Me - Really? Do you feel like I wasn't there for you?

Daughter - Sometimes

Me - I think we should sit down and have an honest conversation. I want you to get the things you've been carrying around off your chest. What time are you leaving tomorrow. (she's going away for the week)

Daughter - 11:30

Me - Do you want to talk before you leave?

Daughter - I don't really want to have this conversation at all. I would rather just move forward.

Me - And carry around bad feelings? That's not good. Plus how do I move forward if I don't know what i'm leaving behind? I don't want you to be in your forties like me and still have mommy issues.

Daughter - At some point i'll need to talk about it. I just don't want to talk about it now. Just know that I love and appreciate you.

Me - Okay, I love you. I'm here whenever you're ready to talk.

That was it. I don't know what's going to happen next, but i'm going to try my best to get to the bottom of her feelings. I love my daughter very much and what she seems to be going through really worries me. I know how I feel about my mother and I definitely don't want her to feel the same way.

That's What I Get For Looking Pt. 1

2009-04-10T05:26:00.001-07:00

I am so out of sorts today. I did something that I would never want someone to do to me and now i'm paying for it. My mind has been racing since last night and I don't know what to do about the situation I created for myself.

I don't know why but lately I have been thinking a lot about how the direction my relationship has taken over the years affected my daughter. She has been with us from the beginning and has seen every twist and turn. There was a time when my husband and I would argue every day and she was there. I've always known that she knew of his infidelities and wondered what she thought of me, but that's not something I felt comfortable asking her about. It has been the 800 pound gorilla in the room for years.

I've done my best to raise my children and not bring my own issues to the table. I thought I was doing an okay job, but it turns out that's not true at all, at least not when my daughter is concerned. I've always known that life hasn't been easy for her, but I had absolutely no idea how bad she has been feeling. And then...

I was in my daughter's room using her computer. I needed a piece of paper to write something down and when I went to get it out of what I thought was a notebook I saw, in big bold letters, on the last page with something written on it, "I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE HER!" I read the previous sentence and it turns out she was talking about me.

I've written in journals for a very long time and I know how pissed off I would feel if I knew someone read my most private thoughts. I stood in the middle of the room with my daughter's journal in my hand trying to decide what to do. I went back and forth and came to the conclusion that, even thought I knew it was wrong, I had to know what she was feeling. I made the wrong decision and read my daughter's journal. I felt bad for doing it, but I felt even worse when I was done.

My daughter harbors a monumental amount of resentment toward me. I didn't read the whole thing, but what I did read really threw me for a loop. She said I haven't been emotionally available and she never really felt that she could talk to me. According to my oldest, I was so busy being wrapped up in my own problems that I never had time for hers. She feels like her father and I laid a terrible foundation for her life and her spirit was destroyed in the process.

Never in a million years would I have thought that my daughter, who seems very confident and strong, has low self-esteem, is on the verge of bulimia, and has taken to cutting herself from time to time. I have no idea where she could be cutting because she always wears tank tops and shorts around the house and I have not seen any scars.

She really resents me a lot and feels that she had to grow up quicker than she should have because I was not in any shape to care for her, and her brother once he came along. She says she felt like she was the parent. I would never act as if her feelings are not valid, but I know that I took care of them both. I may have been down from time to time because of their father's nonsense, but I was not absent.

The thing that hurt me most was not seeing anything pertaining to her father. She feels that I am the one who damaged her. His only crime was not being there. It is I who have done everything wrong. I was not there for her. I destroyed her. I'm still in shock. I always thought I was doing a pretty good job. I know I did the best I could.

My relationship with my mother isn't all that great. She was never one I could talk to about things I was going through. After her and my father divorced, the men she met would always come before me. She would cook their breakfast first and make me wait, she made me give one of them the bike my father purchased for me because he needed it for his messenger job (she likes 'em young), and even dated a guy I went to high school with. I did not consider her a good mother at all.

After reading parts of my daughter's journal I feel lilke I am just like her. That makes me crazy because I have always prided myself on the good relationship I share with each and every one of my children. Was I delusional? What did I miss? I have no idea where I went wrong. Did I become so wrapped up in what my husband was doing that I checked out on my child?

I prayed hard before I went to bed last night. I asked God for direction because I knew I could not just bring these issues up without revealing what I did. It's so crazy that I was just wondering about my daughter's feelings in my last post. I guess you really should be careful what you ask for. I feel terrible about what I did, but I guess everything happens for a reason.

There was one good thing. My daughter is getting counseling. She sees a therapist once a week. I hope and pray that it is helping her. I know what it did for her father and I. As long as she puts her all into it and is totally honest, she will get something out of it.

I asked for direction, or a way to begin a dialogue with my child. Ask and ye shall receive. Stay tuned for part 2.

Just the Two of Us

2009-04-07T06:27:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last time this happened, but my husband and I are going to be alone for a whole week! Between spring break and vacation with friends, all our kids will be out of the house next week. It's unbelievable! I can barely contain my excitement.

Our two youngest, who are 12 and 13, will be spending the week with their Godparents. Our 19 year old is going to Florida with his best friend's family, and I think our eldest decided to find something to do so that we could be alone. She is constantly commenting on how much happier we are. She didn't decide to go anywhere until she found out her brother was going to Florida. She's going to spend time with her sorority sisters in Virginia.

Our daughter has been there since the beginning of our relationship. She has seen every up and down. I'm pretty sure she knows her father has done a lot of things that he should not have done. She has never seemed to judge, but I always wonder how she really feels. Her true opinion of me has been a constant ? for me. She has always thanked me for always being there but I guess the shame I feel won't allow me to believe that she doesn't see me as a fool.

I have no idea what we are going to do while our kids are away. We'll probably play it by ear. I do know what we will be doing. It's very hard to get good and passionate when you have a house full of people. We might start ripping each other's clothes off as soon as the last one leaves.

I'm looking forward to the freedom. I've been a mother and a wife for a long time. It isn't often that my husband and I get to just be us. We enjoy each other's company very much and I know that whatever we do will be good. There was a time when I would not have looked forward to my children being away because I felt like they were all I had. Their father would not have been as interested in spending time with me as he is now. He would have spent a few days with me, but he also would have spent a lot without me.

Those days are over for a few reasons. They're over because he has changed a lot and being out is not as important. I can tell that he genuinely enjoys spending family time. It's all in his eyes when he talks to us. We can all see and feel the difference and it's wonderful. No longer is he the man from the O'Jays song. You know the one that says, "Your body's here with me, but your mind is on the other side of town." That was him.

I can also say, without a doubt, that those days are over because i'm not the same person I was. I will not stand for the crap I let slide by because I didn't love myself enough to ask for more. I have made my standards known and told him what will cause me to check out of the relationship and walk right out the door and he knows that I am serious. I'm not looking back. As soon as the future gets a little murky I will see my way through the fog and make a life for myself. I mean that.

I'm counting down to the day when the last child walks out the door. I will wish them all well and hope they have fun. I know I will. It's been a long time since we had hot, steamy, sweaty, bumping, grinding, licking, sucking breathless, passionate.....excuse me I got kind of excited...sex and i'm ready to go there the entire week.

You're Mad? Really?

2009-04-03T06:39:00.000-07:00

What do you do when someone has an attitude with you? What if you know they have no reason to be upset? My husband has had a slight tude since the situations I described in the previous post. I know I said I was going to talk to him, but I just don't have the energy right now.

I went to the nail salon after work. It was so crowded that I left. I didn't feel like waiting. Thursday is usually the day he hangs out and I look forward to having the time to myself. Unfortunately, he worked the midnight shift the previous night and did a lot of running around, so he decided to stay home. I was kind of pissed when I walked into my bedroom and he was in the bed sleeping.

So, he woke up briefly while I was taking my clothes off and it was apparent he wasn't really feeling me. I know I should have risen above but I just did not feel liek dealing. I said hello, grabbed what I wanted, and went in the living room to watch television. My initial plan was to watch the programs I recorded on the dvr in our bedroom, but Mr. Sunshine was in my space.

I've come a long way and marriage counseling has given me many tools that I can use, but there are still times when I just cannot pay attention to the bull. I couldn't believe he was mad at me and didn't want to feed into it. I had an awesome time on my own doing absolutely nothing.

We wake up about half an hour apart in the morning. Hubby was already up and exercising when I got out of bed. I didn't know what to expect. I could tell he wasn't that happy with me, but he was more than cordial. He tried to play it off, but i'm an expert at reading people. It's all in the eyes. We had nice conversation before he left for work and I went about the business of getting dressed.

It would be great if he would just say what's on his mind and move on. This is something we talked about over and over with our marriage counselor. He was making strides but, slowly but surely, I see him slipping back into old habits. There was a time when I would try to drag things out of him, but this is not one of those times. That is not something I should have to do. After all these years of marriage, and months of marriage counseling, he should be able to tell me when something is wrong.

We will talk about the situation eventually. I know it's petty and that's the exact reason I didn't feel like getting into it. I know my husband and he always makes a big thing out of nothing in an argument. That always takes things to a level where they don't need to be because i'm only going to take so much. I'm in a pretty good place and I refuse to let his attitude bring me down. I will know the right time to ask him what his attitude was about.

For now, i'm worrying about me. I'm will not be putting any extra energy into anyone's petty behavior, and that includes my husband.

Grrr...

2009-03-31T07:33:00.001-07:00

My husband really got under my skin yesterday.

All of our closet doors were being replaced yesterday. My husband couldn't get the day off, so I stayed home. I needed the time to myself anyway. He said nothing had to be taken out of the closets because they didn't have to go inside. So, of course, the guy gets to my place and informs me that I have to remove everything from the closets! My apartment is huge. He measured all the closets and said he'd be back in a few hours. I spent my whole "me" day working my ass off taking everyone's stuff out of their closets. My husband thought it was hilarious when he called to see how it was going.

I didn't really get pissed off until he started giving me instructions. Don't put this here and don't put that there. I told him I didn't have time to be supervised and hung up on his ass. I was fuming. How the hell did he have the nerve to be giving me instructions when he wasn't there?

One source of pissivity down. On to the next.

We have a storage unit that I have been paying for. He pays most of the bills. Our oldest child has a really good job and pays the cable and phone bill. My husband pays the rent, which is no small sum. We have two timeshares that we split the cost for and he pays everything else. Most of my money goes to my personal bills. If credit cards didn't exist, i'd have a pocket full of dough.

Anyway, he goes to a different storage place with his friend and discovers that we can get a larger size unit for the same price we're paying now. After visiting the place with his friend he decides he's going to switch. I asked about the payment and he told me not to worry about it. I didn't really have that much money this week. I have made a vow not to use my credit cards and I never touch my savings account. I had enough money to make it to pay day.

When hubby visited with his friend, he was told the first three months would be discounted. I was off yesterday so we decided to go and set things up when he got off. We get there and after everything is set up the clerk give hubby a total that is more than the monthly payment, even with the discount. By the time they finished adding on fees left and right the total had skyrocketed. He pulls out his debit card and pays, and we leave.

Before we could even get in the car he asks me when he's going to get his money back. I was totally confused. I know damned well he told me he was going to pay for the first month. I guess that changed when he heard how much it was going to cost. We get in the car and he proceeds to complain about how much he spent. He was upset and me not being upset only made him more upset. I refused to get into this argument. I thought back to some of the things our marriage counselor told us. I tried to resolve things without yelling, but he was on a different page.

I'm really proud of myself. I did not get into a yelling match like I would have some time ago. I let him say what he had to say and reminded him that he told me he was going to pay the first month. I told him I would give him the money back when I got paid if that was what he wanted because I didn't want to dwell. I kept my cool the entire time, even though I was PISSED! I budget my money very well and I really didn't want to pay for something I was told I didn't have to, but I would have done it. It's not like I couldn't afford it.

As we drove along I saw him calming down. Eventually his face softened and the tense rise of his shoulders fell. He apologized before we got home. I accepted his apology, even though I wanted to scratch his eyes out. If he would learn to listen, and not yell, before speaking things would be so much easier. His temper is one of the things I cannot stand. He was getting it under control while we were seeing our marriage counselor, and even considering going to anger management, which is a big step for him.

I see him slipping back into some of the behaviors that were a problem before marriage counseling. We did a lot of good work. I need to remind him of that. I refuse to go backwards. It looks like it's time for a talk.

Gotta Get Out

2009-03-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

I've used up so much energy caring for my children and stressing what my husband was doing that I lost my life. I didn't go out much and most of my friends have moved on. They have wonderful social lives and i'm looking around wondering what happened to mine.

Now that my marriage seems to be getting back on track and my children are doing great, i'm longing for things to do and places to go. I don't have as many friends as I once had and the ones I do have are always busy when I want to do something. I need to get out and find a life! I guess it's time for me to make some new friends. How? Where?

I don't remember the last time I went out and wasn't with my husband. We always have a good time, but I need girl's time. There was a time when I had girl's night out every Friday. That was years ago. My best friend moved a few towns away and her job is extremely demanding. I really miss her. At one time I became depressed over the state of my marriage and stopped reaching out to her. I didn't want to be that friend who's complaining about her man every time you speak to her.

The thing is, she stopped calling. I have helped her through a lot of situations. There was a time when I felt like Dear Abby because all I was doing was giving her advice. In a way, it felt like she deserted me when I needed her most. I know I said I didn't want to be that complaining friend, but what's her excuse? I really miss my friend. We email each other from time to time, but I haven't seen her in a year.

I'm tired of going home after work each and every day. My life is getting a bit dull. I might have to start off by doing a movie or museum by myself and go from there. My husband was able to live a full life and I was too busy being a parent to think as much about being in the street. It's my street time now. I need to find myself again. The me that I am got lost in the man that my husband wasn't. I was way too preoccupied with his stuff to pay any attention to mine.

I need to get out of this social rut. Some of my co-workers were talking about going out for drinks after work one day and i'm going to make it happen. If my husband and I can work through all of our drama, I know I can get back the part of my life that I let get away. He had his time and now it's mine.

Wanting to trust

2009-03-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have to admit something. I'm frustrated. Even though things are much better between my husband and I, I still cannot bring myself to trust him. I try really hard, but it's just not happening. I don't spend half as much time thinking about his infidelities as I once did, and that's great, but I still don't trust him.

Yesterday one of his ex co-workers who moved to Maryland came by our house. I was busy doing something so I didn't really have time to do much more than say hello to him. They chit chatted for a little while and my husband came to tell me he was going outside for a little while. I didn't think much of it at first, but after a while I started to feel those old suspicious feelings again. Do I think he was going to do something he should not have been doing? The answer to that question in no but I still couldn't shake the funnies.

It could be that this co-worker was around when my husband was at the height of his cheating. Old feelings that I didn't expect came creeping up. I did not like the feeling at all and I fear that they will always be there. I guess there's so much water under the bridge that I can't get it out of my head. I really love my husband, but at the same time I resent him for all that he has put me through.

I'm not sure if I can ever be totally happy and that really bothers me. We've put in a lot of work to improve things. Will I ever trust him again? I still question the things he tells me and it doesn't matter whether or not I think he's lying. I guess I just don't want to be a fool. Does that mean i'm not totally commited to making things work? It's so confusing.

I really miss going to see our marriage counselor. It feels like things ended just when we were making the most progress. We're going to have so much to talk about when she comes back. My husband misses it too. We made a lot of progress and I don't want it to be ruined. I'm sure it won't, but i'm so on edge that i'm scared of what might happen.

I don't doubt that my husband loves me and is trying really hard to be the best man he can be. It's just not easy to give someone back the trust they've destroyed. I just hope it returns. It's not fun wanting to love someone totally and completely and having that one big issue that you can't get past. I'm working on it and hopefully will learn to deal with it one day. As long as he continues to be as he is now, it will be a lot easier.

Whirlwind of Emotion

2009-03-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

Cozy

That's the word I would use to describe my home life.

Chaotic

Is a word I would have used in the past.

Loved

The warm feeling inside that I get when I catch my husband smiling at me.

Unwanted

The way I felt when he was cheating.

Satisfied

The way I feel after making love to my husband.

Dirty

How I felt after having sex with a man who was sleeping with other women

Relieved

The way I feel about my current situation

Stressed

How I would have been if you met me about a year ago

Blessed

What I say I am when people ask how i'm doing

Cursed

What I thought my marriage once was

I have gone through so many different emotions in the past couple of years that I didn't know where to turn or what to do at times. I have learned that struggle really helps you appreciate the good times. I feel like i've been to hell and back with my husband. He wasn't always the best man, but he was the man I loved. Through all that he put me through, my love stayed constant. I think that's why I held on. I had a feeling that things would get better one day because I knew the real man that was buried inside of the boy who was running around playing childish games. There were times when I felt like a fool, but now i'm glad I held on. I am happier than I have been in a long time and i'm actually learning to trust my husband. It feels great!

Committing to Committment

2009-03-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

I have been really busy lately and have not had time to blog. Things are going pretty well relationship wise. I really miss going to therapy. My husband is reverting back to some of his old attitude issues and I have to check him. He always apologizes and fixes, but I make it a point to let him know that the days of me accepting all of his bullshit are over.

We've been spending a lot of time together and it's nice because we enjoy each others company again. We have an understanding and the motivation to keep our relationship strong is definitely there. We're both very committed. It feels good.

The only thing that's stressing me out is work. I'm in a battle with my managers who want to work me to death and not pay me. I've been at the same job for almost 15 years and they know how hard I work. If they do not show me how valuable they keep telling me I am I may have to leave. I know the economy is terrible right now but I cannot allow myself to be taken advantage of.

I have really missed blogging. Life has just been really busy. I have to honor my committment to this blog because it is what helped me get through a difficult time in my life. Blogging about what was going on, and receiving advice and comments from other bloggers, really helped me to step back and take a look at what was going on in my life. Things aren't perfect, but they are definitely much better.

It feels great to feel as though I can look to the future without the mistakes of the past clouding my every memory and thought. My husband is a new man and is no longer a dead man walking. The trust is not 100% but we both know it's going to take time. Going to marriage counseling was a big step, but we both know we have a lot of work to do.

Trust and other issues

2009-02-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a week and I feel kind of bad. Now that things are going so well, I don't seem to have the need to share that I did before. I'm going to do better. Blogging really helped me get through a rough time and i'm going to do my best to continue.

My husband and I have been enjoying each other a lot. Our children definitely notice the closeness. Our oldest son commented on how happy we seem. He's the one who has been there from the start so I know he's very glad we're getting along on such a consistent basis. One of our daughters even told her father it was nice to have him home so much. He had mixed feelings about her comment. On one hand he was glad she noticed, but he also felt bad that she needed to tell him that.

Can this be happening? Am I really this happy? Will it last? That's the real question. I'm trying really hard but it's not easy to let my guard totally down. We haven't been on this roll very long and i'm not the total optimist. I'm doing better, but after so many years of up and down I can't just put all of my faith in him just yet.

I also wonder if I will ever be able to trust my husband they way a wife should. There are still times I second guess the things he tells me. It's going to take me a while. Trust is one of the most important factors of a healthy relationship. The only way he can earn my trust is to do what he's doing now on a consistent basis. I know that he's capable of sustaining his behavior, but does he love me enough? There's a lot of temptation out there. My husband is a very handsome man and, let's face it, a wedding ring is an aphrodisiac to some women.

Years ago, before cell phone service was vastly improved, my husband had a problem with his phone that I didn't tell him about. Somehow, I was able to hear what was going on around him when I called his number. It was crazy! I only heard something worth hearing once. He was at a party talking to a woman and she was throwing herself at him. Surprisingly, he didn't seem to be interested. He told her that he was married and loved his wife. She said she didn't care and that the ring he was showing her was only another piece of jewelry.

What ever happened to honor among women? I once heard a woman say she "dated" married men because there were no strings attached. Huh? What about the woman he's married to? Why don't you care about her? I could not see myself doing that to another female. I'm not putting all the blame on the woman. I'm just saying a little solidarity goes a long way.

Hopefully I won't have to worry about these things things anymore. I pray that things will continue along the road they're currently traveling. I feel like I have my marriage back and will do anything to keep it. As long as my husband does his part, everything will be alright.

It's all coming back to me now

2009-02-18T12:49:00.000-08:00

It feels great to be having sex again. I forgot how relaxed it can make you. Things don't even bother me as much. Sometimes I sit around and think about the love my husband made to me and smile. Things that I were getting on my nerves are don't matter as much. I'm too busy thinking about a how a tongue here or a kiss there made me feel. My weekend was so great that i've been thinking about those kinds of things a lot.

I always go into withdrawal after my husband and I share a good time. Our valentine's weekend was so great that I can't stop thinking about it. It's been a long time since we've been in the house alone. We don't have a couple children and it's not easy to get rid of all of them at once. I guess I shouldn't say get rid of them but, well, that's what I mean. Our children are great but their presence isn't really condusive to getting busy.

I had a project at work that I needed to finish so I went to work for a little while on Valentine's day. While at work I decided to do something cute for him. I made him a sexy, personalized crossword puzzle and a coupon book full of different things he can ask for at any time (full body massage, breakfast in bed, a quickie, his favorite sexual position, and so on). I also wrote him a long letter telling him how I feel. He loved it. My husband is not a picky man. The smallest things please him. That's one of the things I love about him.

We didn't do the whole dinner thing. We went and had drinks at our favorite dive bar. The drinks are strong and we know all the bartenders. We didn't spend much money because it was Valentine's Day and they all wanted us to have a good time. We did just that. When we left we went to get something to eat and went home and ate food off of each other. It was a wonderful, simple night.
We laid around and watched movies Sunday. I love to do that. It was a totally lazy day spent with my man and it was great. Our kids weren't coming home so we played around with each other all day long. It felt good not to have to wear panties. I know that may sound funny but it gave me a sense of freedom to have on a short t-shirt and no panties. Hubby liked it too. He couldn't keep his hands off of me.

By the time our kids came home Monday we were both spent. I think we made up for all the sex we didn't have for all those months. It was nice to be able to make as much noise as I wanted and not worry about who would hear me. I think that made me louder. Just knowing no one was there was a turn on.

I don't know how I could have forgotten how hot the sex can be between us. I know that my mind is clearing because I was able to totally let go and give him every inch of my body. It felt like every nerve I have was standing on end. My mind, body, and soul were being were all turned on. I guess i'm in love again. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. I almost forgot what it was like to be wet and tingly all the time. It's all coming back to me now.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T06:34:00.000-08:00

This will be one of the best valentine's days i've had in a long time. As far as I know we don't have any plans, but that has nothing to do with it. I haven't felt this in love on February 14th in a long time. It feels good. To be honest, I never really paid much attention to this day before, even when things were good. I tried to let my husband know I loved him every day, even when he didn't deserve it.

I was at work last valentine's day and one of my co-workers came to my desk and said there was someone in the front asking for me. I argued with her because she plays pranks and I didn't believe her. She convinced me that she wasn't playing around so I went to see who was there. I turned the corner and my husband was standing at the entrance with a beautiful vase full of long-stemmed red roses. It made me so happy and a huge smile lit up my face. I couldn't believe that he did that!

Things like that are the reason I have held on so long. He always does little things for me that make me smile, even when I can't stand him. I know his heart is filled with so much love.

Anyway, I say this is going to be one of the best valentines days because of the feelings between us. Also, every last one of our children are gone! We have the house to ourselves. It's not really about sex, even though I hope we have a lot of it, it's about being alone and connecting. I don't want to go out and do anything. I just want to stay home and be with my man.

I hope everyone has a wonderful valentine's day. I also hope you all take time every day to let the ones you love know how much you care.

First Impressions

2009-02-11T09:49:00.000-08:00

I remember the first time I laid eyes on my husband. We were both very young. He was with some friends and I was alone. As I walked by, he touched my arm and said hello. I have always been one who had issues with personal space. I don't like people I don't know touching or standing too close to me. For some reason, I wasn't bothered by his touch. I looked at him and smiled. I remember thinking how beautiful his eyes were. We looked at each other for a moment and I kept walking.

The next thing I knew, I felt his touch on my arm again. I turned and looked into those beautiful eyes and couldn't help but smile again. He asked me my name and we started to talk. I liked him immediately and felt so comfortable. I was suppose to go home but I spent time with a cute boy instead. I didn't even care that I was going to get my ass handed to me when I got home. There was something about him.
We've been together since that day. There were times in the past when I couldn't believe he was the same person. How could the cute boy with the pretty eyes do some of the things he was doing? Now, I look into those eyes and see that boy. He touches my arm and those old feelings come back. It makes me smile just like I did the day we met and it feels great.

After marriage counseling, and a lot of thought. I realized that a big reason I have held on is the memory of the boy I met almost 30 years ago. There is something about him that makes it hard for me to let go. His memory has endured all the cheating, lies, and hurt feelings. Even during the rough times, I saw him in a set of the most beautiful eyes in the world. I knew he was still there and I spent years wishing he would come back to me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not fall out of love with him.

He called me at work this morning and told me I was his soul mate. It made me feel like that teenage girl who was mesmerized by a boy's touch. We've gone through a lot but, through it all, I knew he loved me. I knew I had his heart. It just feels much better now because it's not fragmented, it's the whole thing. I don't spend as much time wondering what if or how could he anymore. Things are still complicated and incomplete, but they're mending. I'm so busy looking to the future that I don't have as much time to worry about the past.

My sister, my......friend?

2009-02-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

So, i'm going through something with my sister right now and it took me back to a previous situation. We've alwasys acted like we're close, but if I really think about our relationship I know that's not true. We love each other and would be there if needed, but we're not like sisters who are also girlfriends.

My sister use to date one of my husband's co-workers. They met at our house when we had a get together a few years ago. We didn't know they were seeing each other for a while because my sister was dating someone who everyone in our family loved at the time. She was on her way out of the relationship, but didn't tell anyone.

Once my sister broke up with her ex, who is still like a part of our family, she told us she was dating my husband's friend. We didn't really care. He's a nice guy and actually one of my husband's best friends at work. I think he went bowling with our family once, but that was about it. He basically stopped coming around the family.

They kept everything about their relationship a secret. My husband and I would invite them to hang out with us but there was always an excuse. We assumed they didn't want to be bothered and stopped trying. I didn't know they were with my other sister and her husband quite often until recently.

The relationship between those two was weird and dramatic. My sister would often tell me of the things that transpired between them. At first I would give her advice but as the drama got more and more ludicrous I began to hold my tongue. One minute they were head over heels, the next minute they weren't speaking. I found out that my husband's friend was a little nutty. He basically stalked my sister. She kept changing her cell phone number because of him, and then giving it to him. It was crazy on both of their ends.

My sister's relationship is part of the reason things came to a head with my husband. My son's school has an event every June and my entire family (mother, sisters, brother and their kids) always goes. My sister called and said she would not be coming because she was going through something and didn't want to, "be around the family." I asked her what was wrong but she didn't want to talk about it. She can be secretive so I didn't go into it.

I was hanging out with my sister a few months after my son's event and, after a few drinks, she told me why she didn't want to go. It turned out the guy she was dating told her some things about my husband. The thing is, he told her months before my son's function. She was holding on to the things he told her for months.

I won't lie, even though I know if couldn't have been easy for her to carry that around, I was still pissed off. She either should have told me or not told me. Waiting until months later, and then swearing me to secrecy, only made matters worse.

After what she told me, I had to play detective to try and find out if the things I learned were true. Eventually, I came clean to my husband. He explained some of the things away with good explanations and denied some. I was so embarassed that my sister knew my business. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and was going to leave. That is how we ended up in counseling.

I don't really see or talk to my sister that much anymore. It doesn't have anything to do with this situation. Like I said before, she's a very secretive person. It's very annoying. I would love to talk to her more but will not give to someone who does not give back. She's much closer with our other sister.

There was a time when I had a good relationship with my sister. She was the one who I talked to more than anyone else. I really think that the relationship she had with my husband’s co-worker changed what we had. They’re no longer together and we’re no longer close. It’s sad.

My sister has a lot of daddy issues and men are a very important part of her life. She’s not the best mother and I think my niece has suffered because of her daddy search. I’ve tried to talk to her but, to be honest, I have my own problems. I’m not sure there’s much I could say anyway. Our mother wasn’t the best example and now she probably sees me as a fool for staying with the man who cheated on me. I know that she judges me and thinks I should leave, but it’s not up to her.

I’m in a place now where I don’t care what other people think. I have to live my life and I’m very happy. I wish that for my sister. Hopefully she’ll find someone who can make her happy and be good to her without having to go through all the things I did.

Metamorphosis of my black man

2009-02-04T05:08:00.000-08:00

Our marriage counselor went on maternity leave this week. My husband had to do overtime and we had to cancel our last session. We won't see her again until May. Surprisingly, he was more upset than I was. She has really helped us work our way through a lot of issues. It feels like it's too soon to stop, but we really don't want to see anyone else.

Neither one of us knew what to expect when we first started counseling. My mind was a lot more open than my husband's, but I was still cautious. Neither one of us really like telling people our business, but we knew we had to try something if we were going to have any chance of saving our marriage. Well, actually, I didn't know if I was going to stay. It all depended on how things worked out.

My husband, who thought he was going for me, ended up getting a lot out of our sessions. He realized a lot of things about himself and how his past has affected him. It wasn't easy for him to admit certain things, but he did. Trust me when I tell you, it was very hard for him to do that. He's just not that type. He use to think that looking to the past was a stupid excuse and that you are who you make yourself to be. His eyes have been opened. He looks for deeper issues in everything now.

Therapy has opened my husband's eyes to a lot of things and it's all because he was so open from the beginning. I am actually in awe of his progress. He still has some things he needs to work on, but I see so much improvement that I can't help but be there for him. He's trying so hard. There was a time when our marriage counselor suggested we each get individual therapy. My husband adamantly declared he did not need to do that. At our last session, he informed us that he was ready to, "give it a try." Neither our marriage counselor or I could contain the shock on our faces.

It's always been hard for my husband to admit when he's wrong, or apologize. That has definitely changed. He's become much more empathetic. Our kids have even noticed. They don't know we're going to counseling, but they have noticed that things are much better between us and their father is home a lot more often and much more involved in the family. He was there before, but always seemed preoccupied. That has definitely changed. He's a happier person.

I always felt like I stayed with my husband because I was looking back to the past. I couldn't forget the young man I fell in love with. He had a huge heart and would do anything for me. He treated me like a queen and we were one. I was holding on to that. I knew that young man was inside of the man he became and I couldn't let go, hoping he would come back to me.

For the first time in a long time, I see flashes of that young man. He is now mature, open, willing, and emotionally informed. He is learning how to deal with things in a manner that leads to solutions. He's still a work in progress, but he's getting there. He's finally willing to let go of childish things and put in the work. It's a beautiful thing.

I have finally let go of the man he was and accepted him for the man he has become.

Trip Withdrawal

2009-01-29T14:54:00.000-08:00

I think i'm in vacation withdrawal. Everything is getting on my nerves, especially my kids. I think I got use to being alone with my husband. The events of our trip keep running through my head and I wish we could run away again. Going back to work was the worse part. I'm sick of most of the people I work with, especially the hating ass females. Why can't women get along?

I don't really have a lot of female friends. There always seems to be so much drama and back biting. I have three really good girlfriends and that's enough for me. Two of them live in the same state as I do and the other one moved away after her mom died. I really miss her. We don't talk the way we use to. My other two girls are the only people who know my story.

I actually have more male friends. It's easier for me to get along better with guys. It's been that way as far back as I can remember. I'm a low maintenance kind of girl. I hardly ever wear makeup, and I love to kick back and watch sports and basically chill. I've never been very girly. I went to a Super Bowl party with my husband last year and the all the women were in the kitchen. I was the only one in the den with the guys whooping it up and making noise.

I just want to throw some clothes in a bag and go!

Anyway, I want to pack my bags and get away again. That's the problem with reconnecting. It's like you're starting over. We're in that stage where everything seems new and you want to be in each others presence all the time. I'm trying to get my head back in the game but it's not happening fast enough. At least i'm not worried about falling back into the rut my marriage was in.

I'm Back!

2009-01-27T07:51:00.001-08:00

Wow! There's so much to say. My husband and I left for our "weekend" trip Friday, January 16th and we didn't come back until Sunday the 25th! We had a wonderful time. We were enjoying each other's company so much that we couldn't leave. It's one of the best times I have ever had. We reconnected on so many levels. I feel like a totally new woman and wife.

We finally made love and it was wonderful. The first time was the best. It was like we were one again. When I climaxed, I was releasing so much. I felt like I was letting go all the drama, all the pain, all the bad things. It was so overwhelming that I started to cry. My husband understood immediately and held me in his arms until we both fell asleep. I get chills just thinking about the way I felt.

It was cold where we went, but we still found the time to party and have fun. We met some nice people and every time we mentioned that it was our 25th anniversary they felt the need to get us drunk. We went to the hotel bar the first night to get a shot before we hit the cold air and never left. The people at the bar wouldn't allow us to buy anything! They fed us and made sure our glasses were never empty. Needless to say, we had a lot of fun that night.

I haven't felt as close to my husband as I did while we were gone in a very long time. It was nice not to have any distractions. Our children didn't even bother us. I think they knew that we needed that time together. Of course we called to check on them, but they would always say, "Don't worry about us." When I talked to my oldest son, I could tell he was happy that we were spending time alone. He even commented on how happy I sounded.

We were doing all the little things we forgot about like holding hands and kissing in public. I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I'm so happy he surprised me with this trip. It showed me how much he is trying. We had a long talk in our hotel room one night about some of the things that have happened between us and his words felt so genuine. I've spent a lot of years knowing that the words that were coming out of his mouth were just what he thought I wanted to hear. It was wonderful to be able to listen and know that the thought and the intent was real.

I'm actually happy. It's been a very long time since I felt like my future was bright. We both shed a few tears when we left because the time we spent together was so special. It's not something that can be duplicated. It's something that will go down in our history as ours, a time that we can look back on and smile to one another.

I now truly feel that we have started over. I know things will not be perfect, but i'm optimistic. I enjoy making love to my husband again. The past did not enter my mind once. I let go and allowed myself to be present and open.

I'm in love again!

Alone Time

2009-01-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

Hubby surprised me with a weekend anniversary trip. It's going to be wonderful to be alone. Have a wonderful weekend blog friends.

The day I became the Mrs.

2009-01-13T05:45:00.000-08:00

Today is the anniversary of the day I got married. My husband is a lot more excited than I am. We were going to go away, but i'm not ready to take a trip with him yet. I really feel like i'm at the beginning of our relationship. There's so much water under the bridge that i'm trying to forgive. It hasn't been easy, but it's getting easier. My heart is no longer in agony on a daily basis.

Before we began therapy my husband would look forward to this day and talk a lot about this exotic trip he wanted us to take. Being the scorned woman I was, I secretly sabotaged plans without telling him that I was feeling lying on a beach celebrating a marriage that was failing more and more each day with a man I had no trust for. I couldn't understand how someone who constantly disrespected his vows could have the audacity to be so proud. He lived in his own world of denial floating on a cloud with his head buried inside, wearing fake rose colored glasses.

Another thing that took away any excitement I could have had about taking a trip was the fact that my husband has gone on several trips out of the country with his friends. He and I have traveled inside the United States to Palm Springs, Las Vegas (three times), Atlantic City, The Poconos, and Boston. We've also gone on a cruise together. He has gone to Aruba, Acapulco, Dominican Republic (twice), and Curacao with his friends. A group of them traveled together every year. This is something that I will forever be bitter about and refuse to let go. The thought of traveling outside the country with him does not excite me because he has already seen and done things without me. I went on a cruise and to Cancun with friends and had fun, but it would have been nice to be with the man I love. We're going to therapy tonight and i'm realizing that this is something I need to talk about.

I don't want to go back to the bitter me, but this day has made me reflect on a lot. We've been together for a long time and gone through a lot. The ups and downs were crazy! When things were good between us, they were soooooo good and it's the same for the bad. It's almost like we had no middle ground.

There is no doubt in my mind that my husband is my soul mate. We finish each other's sentences and speak what the other is thinking. No matter how hard I try, I cannot picture my life without him and vice versa. We have conversations about this all the time. I love him with all of my heart and soul. If I didn't, I would have been gone a long, long time ago.

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I know that he loves me deeply. That is why I cannot understand why he was such an adulterer. Since we've been going to therapy I have been able to stop wondering and start moving on. It happened, I stayed, and I want to be happy. Constantly dwelling on the past is not a good way to make a better future. I've learned that and that's a huge step for me. I'm a super grudge holder, or at least I was. I'm happier now and have no reason to hold on to all that old shit. I may not be able to trust the way I want to, but for the first time in a long time I feel like there's a possibility that i'll get there one day.

So, on the anniversary of the day I became Mrs. _______________________, I will eat, drink, and be merry. I'll spend the day thinking of possibilities and not drowning in all the water under the bridge. We're going to have a good time tonight and start the next year of our marriage off filled with positivity and love, looking forward to the future.

Optimistic!

2009-01-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I went to marriage counseling last night and had a great session. We talked about how determined we are to make 2009 a great year. I've said things like that before when a new year rolled around, but this time I really mean it. I can feel the change coming.

When we first decided to go to therapy I wasn't sure how it would go. I went with an open mind but wasn't sure if my husband would be able to give it his all. He's never been one who found it easy to talk about his feelings. I have been totally surprised, and impressed, by the amount of work he has put in. It's easier for me to be honest because our experience has been one of total honesty.

If someone would have told me six months ago that I would actually be optimistic about my marriage I would have thought they were crazy. I can actually see myself trusting him again one day and that is something I never thought would happen. I'm not saying it's going to happen any time soon, but if we continue down the path we are on it will be a reality one day.

There was a time when my husband's infidelities consumed my thoughts. I still think about it from time to time, but the consumption is over. My mind no longer feeds off of those thoughts. It has better things to think of. The time we spend together has more quality now, it's not spent arguing. We actually enjoy each other's company.

It's funny, as soon as 2009 came in I let go of so much. I actually felt the weight leave my body. I've been carrying so much crap around that it has weighed me down. I'm so filled with determination. I will be happy. We will be happy. I've always loved my husband but i'm falling IN love with him again. I smile when I think of him and want to spend time with him. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

I've gone through a lot, in and out of my marriage, and there were times when I thought I would never be happy. I felt lost and alone but put on the tears of a clown so that no one would know how I was really feeling. My husband would change for a little while and I always knew he would eventually go back to his old ways. For the first time i'm actually optimistic. I think he's serious and committed to making our marriage work. I see it in his eyes. He's a different man, well he's the man I fell in love with again and that's not exactly different.

I've finally realized that my state of mind has a lot to do with how my life turns out. When I allowed myself to become so absorbed in negative thoughts, I sent so much negative energy into the universe. Those days are over. I'm so glad we decided to get help. Things are truly looking up. I'm in love with my husband again.

I Got A New Attitude

2009-01-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling great. I have really shed the drama of 2008 and my spirit is filled with determination. I can actually feel the difference. 2009 is going to be a great year for me because I am claiming it. I finally realized that the universe only returns what you give. I've spent a lot of years trying to guard myself from disappointment that it was all I got. I'm done with that way of thinking.

My husband and I went to a great party on new year's eve and had a ball. We danced and drank the night away and it was wonderful. We made promises to one another with our eyes. No words were spoken, but we both know what time it is. This is our year. I know things are going to work out. I'm all about success in every area of my life. My mental, physical, spiritual, and financial self will improve and reach heights like never before. I know it in my heart. I'm getting chills as i'm writing this.

I really am a different woman. I'm a work in progress, but I know that I will achieve the goals I have set for myself. There are so many things I want to do for myself. I've dedicated my life to my family for so long that I forgot what it was like to do for me. That time is over. Of course I love my family, but the better I feel about me the better i'll be to them.

The woman that is me began the metamorphosis stage in the middle of 2008 and she is ready for the process to end. I've learned so much over the years and i'm finally ready to put all of my knowledge to use and become the woman i've always wanted to be. No more will I worry about others and damage myself in the process. 2009 is the year of ME.

It feels wonderful to say i'm letting things go and mean it. I am completely open and ready to give my husband everything I have. I don't want to judge him or make him hurt the way I hurt like I once did. All I want to do is love him. I truly think that he is my soul mate. That is the only way I can explain us still being together. He has the string that is pulling my heart. Every time I tried to think of leaving I couldn't bring myself to think of life without him. I know he loves me. I know the man he is capable of being and I see him becoming that man again. I'm excited!

I may have to change the name of my blog. I'm not the same scorned woman I was when I began this journey. I'm ready for love from my man as well as love of self. I've never felt this way before. I can't wait to see what 2009 brings.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-29T05:24:00.001-08:00

I'm actually excited about 2009. I think it is going to be a year of discovery. It will be the year that I decide, once and for all, what I do with my life. I don't make resolutions, I make plans. My plan is to have my life in the order it should be in by the end of 2009.

My husband and I are trying to work things out and it hasn't been easy. Some of his ways are really beginning to bug me because i'm in the process of growing and discovering myself. During this process I have realized how much some of the things he does and says really irritate me. In the past I would keep quiet, but marriage counseling has helped me to speak my piece more.

The upcoming year is looking good. I'm ready to continue my journey of self discovery. I already began to rid my life of people, places, and things that bring negative energy and it has made an enormous difference. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. That was part of the reason I put up with a lot of the crap my husband put me through. People thought we were this perfect, happy couple and I didn't want to do anything to diminish the myth. Well, fuck the myth. It's time for me to live the life I deserve and anyone who gets in my way will be ran over.

To make a long story short, i'm not taking any shit in 2009!

Projecting much?

2008-12-23T08:18:00.000-08:00

I got in contact with an old friend that I haven't heard from in a while. She was my go to girl. When she started a new job as a vice prinicipal most of her free time went out the window and we drifted apart. It wasn't really a big deal because I knew we would not lose total contact. We all have those friends that we can be apart from for a while and when we get together it's like we were never apart.

Anyway, my friend just bought a new house and invited me out to spend the night and have some girl time and catch up. She lives on the beach and told me about wrapping up in a blanket, grabbing a glass of wine, and going out to read on her terrace. It's cold here, but that still sounded like heaven to me. I couldn't wait.

When I told my husband that I was going to spend the night with my friend he got upset. I have always had this thing about nights being spent out or coming home after the sun. That was because of his cheating. He tried to throw my words back at me. I couldn't believe it! That was like comparing apples and oranges. I asked him if he knew why I felt the way I did about him staying out. He never really answered me, but asked me how I would feel if he told me he was spending the night at the house of one of his coworkers who lives a couple hours away. I told him the situations were totally different because he drives and I don't and it would be inconsiderate to ask my friend to drive me home when I could just stay at her house.

We actually went back and forth arguing about the situation. It didn't really matter to me because I was going no matter how he felt about it. I never go out and I was going to go and have some long overdo fun. The conversation ended and I never revisited it, but put the reaction in my memory computer and we will be discussing it shen we see our marriage counselor tonight.

We got a lot of snow the last weekend and I decided not to go to my friend's house. I didn't want her to have to drive me home in all the snow. My husband didn't know I had changed my mind and called while he was at work to tell me to enjoy my weekend with my friend. I'm glad he wasn't in front of me because I wanted to smack the shit out of him.

His reaction was total projection. Knowing what he would have been doing if he spent the night somewhere got control of his brain. He's not out like he use to be, but there were nights that he told me he was sleeping at the garage where he worked. I'm sure that's not always where he was. The fact that he had the audacity to try and compare me to him pissed me off. It definitely sent me backwards.

I cannot wait to discuss it the situation tonight.

Strong or Foolish?

2008-12-16T08:19:00.001-08:00

My husband and I go to marriage counseling every Tuesday. We didn't go last week because our therapist was not in. Our left session ended on an interesting note. My husband said the only reason we are still together is because of my strength. He said he knew that there weren't a lot of women who would put up with his bullshit and still be able to keep our family together. The therapist nodded her head and I shook mine. I did not totally agree with what he said.

I don't see myself as strong because I stayed with a man who cheated on me and didn't always treat me the way he should have. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but strong is definitely not the word I would use. I felt very weak for a long time. I went back and forth wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why couldn't I leave?

I am the example my daughters have of what a woman is suppose to be. What have I taught them? They witnessed a lot of arguments and felt the loss of their father not being around. I feel guilty because I should have gotten them out of that situation. Luckily, they are very strong young women. I really think their father's paternal senses kicked in just in the knick of time. I'm not sure what would have happened to them if they would have had to go any longer without him being the presence he should have been.

What did my sons learn from my experience? Will they think you can treat a woman any way you want and she'll still be with you? My husband seems to think our children had no idea what he was doing, or at least that's what he says. I'm not sure if that is his true feeling. I think it's a rationalization to make him feel better.

I know that I have strength. I've endured a lot in and out of my marriage. I do know that it took a lot to hold my family together and raise my children, basically, on my own. They are part of the reason I stayed. I wanted them to have a two parent home. The problem was, I was a married, single mother for a long time. Women raise children on their own all the time. The real single mothers are the strong ones. Sometimes I feel like a coward for staying in my relationship.

If it has not become obvious yet, I am very hard on myself. I'm the type of person who is always thinking and wondering. My mind is always going tick, tock, tick, tock, all damned day long. I get tired of it, but I can't help it. Before we started counseling, I spent every free moment thinking about my husband's infidelities. I was almost obsessed. It was pitiful. Looking back, I see what a mess I was. I feel strong now because I know I will never settle for anything less that what I know I deserve. If he cheats on me again, i'll be out so fast that he will be covered in my dust.

It's easy for him to say I was strong. Things worked out in his favor and I guess he's trying to compliment me and that's fine, but putting up with garbage doesn't make me strong. I was just a fool in love. All I could think about was my heart. I held on hoping the man I fell in love with would return. I didn't think about what was best for my children, or even myself. I have regrets, but I can't go back. The only thing I can do is make sure I don't revisit the mistakes of the past.

I am changing each and every day. I have put up with things in my marriage that I never would have put up with in any other circumstance. I don't let people take advantage of me and I always speak my mind. This was not true when it came to my marriage. It was like I turned into a marshmellow as soon as my husband was involved. Those days are certainly over. I let my needs and wants be known and definitely have left my doormat days behind. He has changed a lot as well.

No one knows what the future will bring. I can only say that I feel stronger than I have in a long time and my foolish days are over.

Baby I'm Ready

2008-12-11T09:14:00.001-08:00

I haven't done anything sexual with my husband since July. I just wasn't feeling him. I'm the type of woman who has to be into all of you to give you all of me. I wasn't sure what he was up to and his whole aura just wasn't doing it for me. I didn't like the way I felt after the last time we had sex so I told him. I actually said, "I don't want to have sex with you." I told him the trust thing was getting to me and until I felt better about us I would not do anything with him.

Sex between us has been like a roller coaster. There were times when it felt so good that I have cried and there were times when it got so routine that I wondered what the point was. We know each other's bodies so well, but at times I just had sex with him to get my rocks off and go to sleep. That is not how I want things to be.

My husband didn't argue with me when I said I didn't want to have sex with him. He said he knew it was his fault that I felt that way and he would wait until I was ready. So, we became closer in other ways but the trust thing still had a hold on me. At the same time I wanted him to make passes at me or at least show that he was interested. He didn't. In the past that would have led me to believe he was cheating, but I do not feel that way now.

I didn't say anything about it bothering me until the topic of sex came up in one of our counseling sessions. I admitted that I still wanted the attention even though I asked to be left alone. He said he didn't want to push me because he understood where I was coming from and wanted to respect my wishes. The therapist asked how he felt when I said I had no interest in having sex with him and he said it really hurt him but, once again, he knew it was his fault.

I won't say I fully trust my husband now, but I do feel a lot better about where our relationship is headed. I see his efforts and they're softening my heart, and something else. I've been thinking about making love to him this whole week. It's time. I'm ready.

I looked into his eyes last night and saw a different person. He's not the same man he was in July. He's a man I want to be closer to. My guard is still up, but it's being broken down brick by brick. I know things have changed because it was so easy for me to abstain from sex before. It didn't bother me at all. Lately, i've been feeling tortured. My heart is back in it. I know myself and my heart and g-spot are connected. If one's not being taken care of the other checks out.

It's time. I'm ready.

Getting Real

2008-12-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

Marriage counseling is starting to get real. We have passed the honeymoon stage and moved on to really trying to find out the root of our problems. Our marriage counselor is a dream. I love the way she works. My husband is a willing, but reluctant, participant and she has been able to masterfully get him to do something he does not like to do.

My husband has never been one to share his real feelings. He'll scrape around the surface, but he never gets down to what's really going on with him. Our counselor is a very gentle woman and it's very easy to talk to her. She has eased my husband down the path to realizing that his past has a lot to do with his present. His mother's alcoholism and parent's divorce have followed him into our marriage and has a lot to do with the person that he is.

During his teen years, when his parent's divorced, my husband had to become the man of the house and care for his mother, who had a drinking problem. He also had to become the father figure for his two sisters. They still look up to him as the man who can solve all problems. He never had a chance to be a teenager. He went from fathering his sisters, to having his own before the age of 20.

I guess the lack of teenagehood caught up with my husband and he decided he needed to get those years back. The only problem is he did it at the expense of our family. I've tried to make him realize this but he has always seemed to feel that the things he was doing were secret from our children. I think he was in denial.

Since we've started therapy I have been able to say some things to him that were hard for me before. Our marriage counselor's office is truly a safe haven. There's no anger and no judgment. We both lay it all on the line and have realized things we didn't know existed between us.

My heart and judgment of my husband are both softening. I'm learning to love him again. Trust has not come, and we haven't made love yet, but all things in time. When I am comfortable, it will happen. I still have times when I think of all that he has done and there are times when I second guess his words, but I do feel a lot better about our future and I never thought that would happen.

I've been tagged!

2008-12-02T05:22:00.000-08:00

TAGGED BY THE Kinshar

I've been tagged! Thanks you Kinshar for this award and for all the support and kind words you have given me since I started this blog.

THE RULES

Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends. Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.

Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post,which explains The Award. http://scholastic-scribe.blogspot.com/2008/10/200-this-blings-for-you.htmlEach Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!

So here goes. I'm tagging:

Lil Honey B
I think she's so cute and I really enjoy visiting her blog because it always makes me smile.

Keith
Although I visit his blog every day, I don't comment. I'm not sure why. I love his writing style and he always comes up with very interesting topics that make you think.

B-More Bap
She was one of the first people to follow my blog. I like her the topics she comes up with and her writing style.

Strongblkwmn
This is one of the first blogs I ever visited. I liked the name and wanted to see what it was all about. I like that the blog is about us. Each entry is in diary form and it interested me because I thought it was very original. It's a good read.

Black Women, Blow the Trumpet
I came across this blog while visiting another and was instantly hooked. This is another one that is for us. It's extremely informative and even though the posts are a little lengthy, it's worth the read.

Thanks to all those I tagged for keeping me reading. I love the blogging community and am glad to be a part of it.

Trusting Again

2008-11-25T12:12:00.000-08:00

"Our trustworthiness begins with our ability and willingness to trust ourselves even when we don't feel up to it."-Ruby Fleurcius

This quote definitely applies to what's going on in my life right now. Over the years I have lost most of the trust I had for my husband. Then again, I can't really say that. I trust that he will provide for our family. I trust that he would give his life for each one of us and protect us at all cost. I trust that he will do all that he can to make sure we're okay. I, however, cannot bring myself to trust that he will never cheat again.

We have made a lot of progress since we've been going to counseling. I have let go of some of the resentment i've been feeling and felt my heart softening in ways I thought it never could. The problem I have is not wanting to let my guard down and trust that he will keep his word and be faithful. I don't like being made a fool of and he is on his last leg. If I take him at face value, will he betray me again? Like Luther Vandross said, "I just don't want to be a fool ever again."

Once I lose faith in a person, I generally leave them alone. I love my husband so much, and our bond is so strong, that I can't. There's something that's keeping me here. I just don't know if I can stay if the trust never returns. Rebuilding is a lot of work. I'm just hoping that it's not too late and I won't question the things he says forever.

Learning to let go

2008-11-20T04:13:00.000-08:00

I learned something about myself at the marriage counseling session we had Tuesday. I have a huge problem letting go. Seeing my mother being treated badly by men, and abused physically by my sister's father had a huge effect on me. My mother catered to all the men in her life and none of them treated her the way she deserved to be treated. I spent my life taking all of this in and, even though I had no idea, it shaped the way I lived my life.

I have never really catered to my husband, not even when he deserved it. Even when I wanted to do things for him, I wouldn't allow myself to let go. I was not going to be my mother. He was treating me wonderfully but I wasn't about to take the chance of being taken for granted. If he asked me to fix him a plate at a function, I would tell him he had two hands just like I did. I'd say, "Make your own damned plate."

Who would have thought that a man would care about something like that? My husband sat me down one day a few years ago and told me that even though he was a man he had feelings too. He even said it would be nice to be complimented from time to time. I didn't expect that. I wasn't a total brick wall, but I defitintely could have done better. I accept that.

I did some soul searching to try and find out why, even though I really wanted to, I could not bring myself to do more for the man I loved. Childhood shapes adulthood. Once you're of age you can either continue the cycle or break it. I chose to break the cycle, stomp on the cycle, jump up and down on the cycle, and throw it out the window. I was so determined not to be like my mother that I went so far away that I got lost.

I constantly thought about my husband's infidelities. Whenever I had a quiet moment, it was in my head. I refused to let it go. All I did was wonder what he did with the women he was with. Even when I saw him trying to make changes and heard him asking me what he needed to do to fix all the damage he caused, I stayed in my head. He cheated, he cheated, he cheated, that's all I could think about. I just could not let go.

Not only did my mother's experiences affect the way I maneuvered my relationship; it also affected my personality. I have a problem with people telling me what to do and if someone crosses me I have absolutely no problem x-ing them out. I hold grudges FOREVER, even though I know it's not a good thing. I can't help it. Not only do I not want the man in my life taking advantage of me, I don't want ANYONE even thinking about going there.

I never thought to trace any of this back to my past but my marriage counselor connected the dots for me. It was definitely a light bulb moment. I felt like I could breathe a little easier. I finally had an answer to a question i'd been asking myself for a while............."Why am I like this?" I cherish this answer and now I have to do the work needed to make the necessary changes.

Someone on a blog somewhere said therapy was not going to help. They were wrong. After our second session I noticed that I was no longer in my head. My outlook softened and so did my heart. I felt a lot better about everything. Our therapist even noticed that we were much closer. Things are a lot better, but we still have a long way to go.

I look down the road and I can actually see myself being closer to my husband. I see us making love and eventually getting back to where we once were. I look at him now and I see several glimpses of the man I fell in love with. I'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket, but i'm allowing myself to get out of my head and be something I don't usually let myself be. I'm actually optimistic.

My puzzled heart

2008-11-18T04:44:00.000-08:00

I started this blog with the intention of writing angry posts about what a terrible man my husband is and how i'm this angry, revenge plotting, victim. I was going to talk about all the things that he's done and put him down. No one was going to see my face so what would it matter?

Something happened in the middle of the blog. We started therapy and my husband began to open up. He started showing flashes of the man I fell in love with. After only two sessions, my disposition began to soften. I love my husband very much and see that he is trying like he never has. I'm not saying that things are perfect and i'm going to forget all that he has done. I'm not even saying i'm definitely going to stay with him. All I can say is I have hope.

Being in a relationship is a lot of work and compromise. I have put in a lot of both. I don't mind working, but it has to be a two way street. My husband has had a lot of selfish moments, but I know what he is capable of. He's taking steps to get back into my good graces and regain my trust. I have told him that I will not make it easy on him and he's ready for whatever I throw his way.

My heart is like a puzzle right now and i'm trying to put it back together piece by piece. I have no idea where i'll be when it's fixed. My husband has promised me that he will never break it again and I have promised myself that I will not let him. Things will be different. If he can make the changes he needs to make, and he has definitely made a lot of them already, then we'll be together.

My husband is not the only one who needs to change. There are things that I know I need to do. I have to be me and know that's good enough. No matter what he says or does, I am good enough. It's time for me to repair the self-esteem that has been torn down by the infidelity of the person I love. I need a life. For years I have made my family my first, and only, priority. That's not a good thing. I have to learn how to put myself first. If i'm not happy I can't fully be there for anyone else.

We haven't had sex since July. I told my husband that I wasn't feeling it and would not do anything with him until I felt like he deserved to be with me. If my heart's not in it I can't do it. I love making love to my husband, but the times of me making love to him and thinking about who else he's been with are over. I will not go there until I feel that he is with me and only me. He says he understands and that he has to pay for the things he has done and will wait until i'm ready. I've been wanting to be with him lately, but i'm still going to wait until I am absolutely sure. My body is a temple and it deserves a king who appreciates it.

I have hope. Sometimes you have to go through the bad to make your way to some good that you'll appreciate. I have a feeling things are going to work themselves out, even if the result is not one I expect.

Resentment

2008-11-13T05:53:00.000-08:00

There have been a lot of songs about cheating. The one that really hit the nail on the head for me is "Resentment," by Beyonce. I'm not sure if it's a remake or an original, knowing Beyonce, but I do know that the I felt like someone was in my brain the moment I heard it. I found myself wondering if Jay had done something wrong. All the things I have been feeling are in the words of this song. I was amazed! These are the lyrics:

I wish I could believe you
Then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me, really don’t apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy
Once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you, have multiplied
And it’s all because you lied

[chorus:]
I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

Just can’t seem to get over
The way you hurt me
Don’t know how you gave another
Who didn’t mean a thing
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you
And I know you’ve change
As much as I wanna trust you
I know it aint the same
And it’s all it’s all because you lied

[chorus:]
I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment
I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment

(You lied)
I’ll always remember feelin’
(You lied)
Like I was no good
(You lied)
Like I couldn’t do it for you
(You lied)
like your mistress could
(ohh yeah)
And it’s all because you lied.

(You lied)
Loved you more than ever
(You lied)
More than my own life
(You lied)
But this part of me I gave you
(You lied)
It was sacrifice
(Sacrifice)
And it’s all because you lied

[chorus:]
I only give you hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I tried and tried to forget this
(I tried and I tired and I tired)
But I’m too damn much too full of resentment

I know she was attractive
But I was here first
Been ridin’ with you for 6 years
Why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you (you)

I know your probably thinkin’
What’s up with B
I been cryin’ for too long
What did you do to me
I used to be so strong
Now you took my soul

I'm cryin’
Can’t stop cryin’
Can’t stop cryin’
You coulda told me
You wasn’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you done done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes
And see she’s half of me (You lied)
How could you lie (You lied)

I get chills when I hear this song. It's so on time. I'm trying to change things, and I really do think my husband is trying to change, but i'm so full of resentment that I don't know if I can give him any more chances. He lied and I cried......and I stayed. I'm still trying to figure things out. It's not easy when you're so full of resentment that you can barely find the strength to breathe.

I'm working on letting go of some of the resentment i've been holding on to. My husband and I have gone to two marriage counseling sessions and I can already feel a change. I'm not saying counseling will be our savior, but we're both finally being more open and honest with one another. If I can let go of the resentment and he can be the man I fell in love with, I think we'll be alright.

Marriage Counseling

2008-11-07T05:31:00.000-08:00

My husband and I went to our first marriage counseling session Tuesday. It was a good experience. I was able to state my case and let him know what i've been going through. He didn't agree with everything, but that's okay. I think he is in denial about not being around for our children the way he should have. That is something I will be sure to get into. He needs to know that his cheating did not only affect me, it affected our entire family.

We've been talking about counseling for a long time, but never took the steps to go. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest when we were sitting in the waiting room. I was so nervous because I didn't know what to expect. Would he be open and honest, or defensive and uncooperative?

Something happened in that office. My husband said things I have never heard come out of his mouth. He owned up to all that he has done and said he was willing to do anything necessary to repair all the damage he has done. He said he knows that I am a good woman and he doesn't want to lose me. He doesn't say those kinds of things. His emotions are always buried below his bravado. I was happy to see him dig them up and share them with me.

Call me crazy, but I have hope that my situation will work out. I love my husband very much. At the same time, this is it, it's our last hurrah. If he ever cheats on me again I will leave. One of my feet is always out the door anyway. When the therapist asked why I was there I told her that I wanted to learn how to deal with all of the things that have transpired in my marriage. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my husband's infidelities, but at the same time I love him with all my heart. It's a crazy way to be.

When I look into my husband's eyes, I see the love he has for me. I am on the verge of tears right now because I know the man that lives inside the cheat and he's great. He's the one I love. The cheat is an extension of something I do not understand.

So, i'm going to roll with the punches and see what happens. As I work on my marriage I will also be working on myself. I pray that the two can come to a happy medium and work things out. I'm leaving it in God's hands. Whatever should happen will. Yes, I am a scorned woman but i'm also loved. If the person who loves me actually decides to live up to the promise of his manhood things will be fine.

Pause for the Cause

2008-11-05T11:15:00.000-08:00

Today is not the day for me to complain about what's going on in my marriage of talk about my husband's infidelity. This is a day of celebration! I cannot put the way I have felt for the past few days into words. No words are expressive enough. I passed cloud nine a long, long time ago. My cloud has no number.

Watching Barack Obama become President of the United States was one of the proudest moments of my life. I felt like my brother won the election. Wait a minute. My brother did win, didn't he? Yes he did. He proved that Yes We Can was not just some slogan.

Almost every black person I passed had a smile on their face. No matter how we try to act otherwise, today is a great day in BLACK history. Yes, it's American history as well, but we can claim this one for ourselves and not give a damn what anyone thinks about it.

My husband and I went to our first therapy session yesterday and we both left feeling really good. By the end of the night, we felt high. Looking at Barack and Michelle's relationship gave me HOPE. They are so great together. I cried like a baby when he said she was his best friend. That's how it should be. He also knows that his wife is the backbone of his family. Aren't we always?

I have cried tears of joy since I voted yesterday morning. We did it! Barack Obama is the perfect person to restore America's respectability and lead the country in the right direction. I could not be happier. The dignity he displayed when others were doing and saying disgusting things never ceased to amaze me. They tried, but could not find a crack in his armor.

It won't be easy, but I know Brother Barack is ready for the challenges that lay ahead. God bless him and the beautiful first family.

How can I ease the pain?

2008-10-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first heard the song, "How can I ease the pain," by LIsa Fischer. She has such a beautiful voice and sang the song with such emotion. I knew she'd been in the situation, i'm pretty sure most women have.

How can I ease the pain is one of the questions i'm asking myself at this time in my life. I've been through a lot in my relationship. It's like a roller coaster of love. One minute it's up, the next minute it's down. One minute my heart is exploding with love, the next minute it's aching. I know love isn't perfect, but damn.

All alone, on my knees I pray
for the strength, to stay away

I'VE DONE THIS...AND GOD SAID YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH...I DIDN'T USE IT.

In and out
out and in you go
I feel your fire
then I lose my self control

THAT LOVE ROLLER COASTER

How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
How can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I ease the pain?

CONFUSION...WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN LOVE HURTS, BUT YOU CAN'T WALK AWAY?

Everytime
that I let you in
You take away
something deep within
A fool for love
is a fool for pain
And I refuse
to love you again!

GIVING AWAY YOUR POWER......NEEDING TO FIND A WAY TO TAKE IT BACK.

How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I ease the pain?
How can I ease it..

I'M LOOKING FOR THE ANSWER...

if its not my love
that you've come here for,
tell me baby why you're here
knock, knock, knocKin at my door
I cant take it, no no no no more baby
give me it all, or nothin at all!

HE WANTS THINGS ON HIS TERMS. IT'S TIME FOR ME TO DEMAND EVERYTHING OR WALK AWAY.

How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
How can I, ease the pain?
when I know youre comin back again
how can I, ease the pain in my heart?
I need to know how....
How can I ease the pain?

SOMEONE ONCE SAID, ENJOY THE PAIN IT'S WEAKNESS LEAVING YOUR BODY.

Lisa Fischer - New Music - More Music Videos

Alone Time

2008-10-31T05:38:00.000-07:00

I cherish my alone time, especially lately. I'm in a state of constant confusion and discovery. At this time i'm trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life. The whole should I stay or should I go thing is constantly consuming my thoughts. I see my husband trying hard to be a better man, but I just don't know if it will last or be able to erase all that he has done.

What is a relationship without trust? How can we move forward if i'm always questioning everything he says? I'm in the process of looking for a marriage counselor and he says he's ready to do whatever he has to do to make things work because he loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end. I believe him, but at this point what he wants doesn't reall matter. It's about what's best for me. I've spent enough time doing what's best for everyone else.

I am always alone in thought. I can be in a room full of people and be deep in my own head without missing a beat. I've always been able to do that. Alone time doesn't always mean an empty room.

I often wonder how my children have been affected by my choices. They love their father, but i'm sure they feel some form of abandonement. He wasn't always there. I wonder if they think i'm a fool. I wonder what goes through their head when they think of their parent's relationship. I'll ask them one day, when they're all grown. Maybe it will be a few years after i'm out of the relationship. Who knows?

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Everyone will be out of the house early doing this and that and i'll be there alone with my thoughts. I think i'll pamper myself and go and get my hair and nails done. I'm going to go to the movies alone one day next week. I need some time with myself so I can figure out who I am and what I want to do. At this point, i'm 50% each way. Who knows how long the journey will take? All I know is i'm ready to find the woman I lost and improve on all the things she let go.

Wish me luck.

Are all men dogs?

2008-10-30T09:48:00.001-07:00

I know a lot of guys. They're not really complex beings, but they are different. It's hard to find the good ones, but I know they're out there. Even though i've been with one who seems to think his zipper should constantly be in the down position, I still love the male species. I'm just not sure how to deal with them.

There is no way I will allow myself to believe that every man that was and will ever be born will be unfaithful. Do I think most of them are? Yes I do. I also think there are some that actually have redeeming qualities. They're fun, they can lead you in a waltz, they pick up heavy things, and have a part that a woman can put to use now and then. They'd be great if most of their brains weren't attached to their pee pee.

My father wasn't faithful to my mother. I have no idea how many siblings I have spread around the universe. I do know that one of them passed away recently. I never got to meet her. I don't know what she looked like. We probably passed each other on the street in the past. I love my father very much, but didn't always respect him.

I want my son to be the best man he can possibly be. He's doing well so far. He's very respectful and caring and I don't see any of his father's dog bones hanging out yet. I pray and try to raise him to continue to be the person he is today.

So, what do you think? Are all men dogs?

Confusion

2008-10-29T04:55:00.000-07:00

My husband has really been trying to be a better man. I can see it. He's surprising me with lunch and doing little things for me that I really appreciate. The problem with that is I cannot let go of the past. No matter what he says or does I always think of what he has done. If he says he's in place B, I assume that means he's in place C (cheating). It's really hard. I do love him. I know that he is a good man but i'm not sure if he's capable of being a good husband.

Right now i'm trying to concentrate on getting myself together. I've gained some weight and lost a whole lot of self-esteem. There has to be something I can do about that. I have lost weight before and I know I can do it again. My problem is my energy level. Stress takes a toll on your body. I'm tired all the time and my mind never feels clear. There is no doubt that my marriage is the cause of the majority of my stress. I just can't leave.

My husband and I went out for drinks a couple days ago and had a really good time. I love spending time with him. It's hard to let go of the man he has become when I know who he really is deep down inside. He can make me feel so loved one minute and not cared for the next. It's so confusing.

I need someone to talk to. My heart needs to be poured out. There's so much in it. So many emotions are traveling through my body. I did have a friend who I could talk to about these things but we have lost touch. It hurts not to be able to express all that i'm going through.

I don't want to be a fool, but I guess it's too late for that. I'm sure most people wonder what the hell i'm doing with this man. Well, I love him. I was the one who would watch talk shows and say how I would leave my husband if he cheated on me. That's easy to say until it happens to you. I've been wrapped up in cheating for a long time, but have remained faithful.

Am I a crazy?

Introduction

2008-10-27T07:41:00.001-07:00

I call myself the woman scorned. My husband has cheated on me for a long time. I don't know why i'm still with him, so don't ask.

All of my friends and family think we're the perfect couple and I guess I don't want to mess that up. It's nice to be thought of as a role model. We have four children ages 25, 19, 13, and 12. They are all wonderful children and have never given us any problems. If you look from the outside, our family is perfect. We have a home, successful careers, and wonderful children.

I would love for someone to come and take a look at our marriage from the inside, my inside. I'm miserable. I've been with the same man for almost 30 years and, as far as I can remember, he's been cheating on me for at least 16 of those years. I've always taken care of my family and made sure that my children had everything they wanted. I'm the one who spent time with them, did things with them, loved and nurtured them, and raised them to be the wonderful people they have become. Their father ran the streets most of their lives.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I damn sure don't need anyone feeling sorry for me. I know that I brought my situation on myself by knowingly being with someone who can't keep his pants zipped. That's on me, i'll accept that. I started this blog so that I could have a place to express myself and let go of some of the pain i'm feeling. No one knows the real me, the woman who cries inside each and every day because she knows she could be happier.

No one knows that even though I have a good career I feel like a failure. No one knows because I don't tell. It's embarassing. So, I hide in the shadows shedding the tears of a clown when no one's around.

My husband says he loves me and I actually believe him. When things are good, they're very good. The problem is I have absolutely no trust in him. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He says he hasn't done anything with anyone since the last time I caught him, three years ago, but I don't believe that. I'm not sure he's capable of honesty or fidelity.

So, if I know this why do I stay with him? Well, for one, I love him. We've been together a long time and I have grown accustomed to my life the way it is. It's not easy to just pick up and go. I don't want to start over. I know it sounds foolish. I guess i'm a fool. My life could be so much better, but if I leave i'll have to admit that my marriage was a lie to all the people who thought it was perfect. I'll have to tell my children and the rest of my family. Nope, not going to do it.

I'm glad I found the blog world. It gives me an outlet. I have a lot bottled up inside of me that I need to get out, so get ready....