Tuesday, March 31, 2009
My husband really got under my skin yesterday.
All of our closet doors were being replaced yesterday. My husband couldn't get the day off, so I stayed home. I needed the time to myself anyway. He said nothing had to be taken out of the closets because they didn't have to go inside. So, of course, the guy gets to my place and informs me that I have to remove everything from the closets! My apartment is huge. He measured all the closets and said he'd be back in a few hours. I spent my whole "me" day working my ass off taking everyone's stuff out of their closets. My husband thought it was hilarious when he called to see how it was going.
I didn't really get pissed off until he started giving me instructions. Don't put this here and don't put that there. I told him I didn't have time to be supervised and hung up on his ass. I was fuming. How the hell did he have the nerve to be giving me instructions when he wasn't there?
One source of pissivity down. On to the next.
We have a storage unit that I have been paying for. He pays most of the bills. Our oldest child has a really good job and pays the cable and phone bill. My husband pays the rent, which is no small sum. We have two timeshares that we split the cost for and he pays everything else. Most of my money goes to my personal bills. If credit cards didn't exist, i'd have a pocket full of dough.
Anyway, he goes to a different storage place with his friend and discovers that we can get a larger size unit for the same price we're paying now. After visiting the place with his friend he decides he's going to switch. I asked about the payment and he told me not to worry about it. I didn't really have that much money this week. I have made a vow not to use my credit cards and I never touch my savings account. I had enough money to make it to pay day.
When hubby visited with his friend, he was told the first three months would be discounted. I was off yesterday so we decided to go and set things up when he got off. We get there and after everything is set up the clerk give hubby a total that is more than the monthly payment, even with the discount. By the time they finished adding on fees left and right the total had skyrocketed. He pulls out his debit card and pays, and we leave.
Before we could even get in the car he asks me when he's going to get his money back. I was totally confused. I know damned well he told me he was going to pay for the first month. I guess that changed when he heard how much it was going to cost. We get in the car and he proceeds to complain about how much he spent. He was upset and me not being upset only made him more upset. I refused to get into this argument. I thought back to some of the things our marriage counselor told us. I tried to resolve things without yelling, but he was on a different page.
I'm really proud of myself. I did not get into a yelling match like I would have some time ago. I let him say what he had to say and reminded him that he told me he was going to pay the first month. I told him I would give him the money back when I got paid if that was what he wanted because I didn't want to dwell. I kept my cool the entire time, even though I was PISSED! I budget my money very well and I really didn't want to pay for something I was told I didn't have to, but I would have done it. It's not like I couldn't afford it.
As we drove along I saw him calming down. Eventually his face softened and the tense rise of his shoulders fell. He apologized before we got home. I accepted his apology, even though I wanted to scratch his eyes out. If he would learn to listen, and not yell, before speaking things would be so much easier. His temper is one of the things I cannot stand. He was getting it under control while we were seeing our marriage counselor, and even considering going to anger management, which is a big step for him.
I see him slipping back into some of the behaviors that were a problem before marriage counseling. We did a lot of good work. I need to remind him of that. I refuse to go backwards. It looks like it's time for a talk.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I've used up so much energy caring for my children and stressing what my husband was doing that I lost my life. I didn't go out much and most of my friends have moved on. They have wonderful social lives and i'm looking around wondering what happened to mine.
Now that my marriage seems to be getting back on track and my children are doing great, i'm longing for things to do and places to go. I don't have as many friends as I once had and the ones I do have are always busy when I want to do something. I need to get out and find a life! I guess it's time for me to make some new friends. How? Where?
I don't remember the last time I went out and wasn't with my husband. We always have a good time, but I need girl's time. There was a time when I had girl's night out every Friday. That was years ago. My best friend moved a few towns away and her job is extremely demanding. I really miss her. At one time I became depressed over the state of my marriage and stopped reaching out to her. I didn't want to be that friend who's complaining about her man every time you speak to her.
The thing is, she stopped calling. I have helped her through a lot of situations. There was a time when I felt like Dear Abby because all I was doing was giving her advice. In a way, it felt like she deserted me when I needed her most. I know I said I didn't want to be that complaining friend, but what's her excuse? I really miss my friend. We email each other from time to time, but I haven't seen her in a year.
I'm tired of going home after work each and every day. My life is getting a bit dull. I might have to start off by doing a movie or museum by myself and go from there. My husband was able to live a full life and I was too busy being a parent to think as much about being in the street. It's my street time now. I need to find myself again. The me that I am got lost in the man that my husband wasn't. I was way too preoccupied with his stuff to pay any attention to mine.
I need to get out of this social rut. Some of my co-workers were talking about going out for drinks after work one day and i'm going to make it happen. If my husband and I can work through all of our drama, I know I can get back the part of my life that I let get away. He had his time and now it's mine.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I have to admit something. I'm frustrated. Even though things are much better between my husband and I, I still cannot bring myself to trust him. I try really hard, but it's just not happening. I don't spend half as much time thinking about his infidelities as I once did, and that's great, but I still don't trust him.
Yesterday one of his ex co-workers who moved to Maryland came by our house. I was busy doing something so I didn't really have time to do much more than say hello to him. They chit chatted for a little while and my husband came to tell me he was going outside for a little while. I didn't think much of it at first, but after a while I started to feel those old suspicious feelings again. Do I think he was going to do something he should not have been doing? The answer to that question in no but I still couldn't shake the funnies.
It could be that this co-worker was around when my husband was at the height of his cheating. Old feelings that I didn't expect came creeping up. I did not like the feeling at all and I fear that they will always be there. I guess there's so much water under the bridge that I can't get it out of my head. I really love my husband, but at the same time I resent him for all that he has put me through.
I'm not sure if I can ever be totally happy and that really bothers me. We've put in a lot of work to improve things. Will I ever trust him again? I still question the things he tells me and it doesn't matter whether or not I think he's lying. I guess I just don't want to be a fool. Does that mean i'm not totally commited to making things work? It's so confusing.
I really miss going to see our marriage counselor. It feels like things ended just when we were making the most progress. We're going to have so much to talk about when she comes back. My husband misses it too. We made a lot of progress and I don't want it to be ruined. I'm sure it won't, but i'm so on edge that i'm scared of what might happen.
I don't doubt that my husband loves me and is trying really hard to be the best man he can be. It's just not easy to give someone back the trust they've destroyed. I just hope it returns. It's not fun wanting to love someone totally and completely and having that one big issue that you can't get past. I'm working on it and hopefully will learn to deal with it one day. As long as he continues to be as he is now, it will be a lot easier.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
That's the word I would use to describe my home life.
Is a word I would have used in the past.
The warm feeling inside that I get when I catch my husband smiling at me.
The way I felt when he was cheating.
The way I feel after making love to my husband.
How I felt after having sex with a man who was sleeping with other women
The way I feel about my current situation
How I would have been if you met me about a year ago
What I say I am when people ask how i'm doing
What I thought my marriage once was
I have gone through so many different emotions in the past couple of years that I didn't know where to turn or what to do at times. I have learned that struggle really helps you appreciate the good times. I feel like i've been to hell and back with my husband. He wasn't always the best man, but he was the man I loved. Through all that he put me through, my love stayed constant. I think that's why I held on. I had a feeling that things would get better one day because I knew the real man that was buried inside of the boy who was running around playing childish games. There were times when I felt like a fool, but now i'm glad I held on. I am happier than I have been in a long time and i'm actually learning to trust my husband. It feels great!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I have been really busy lately and have not had time to blog. Things are going pretty well relationship wise. I really miss going to therapy. My husband is reverting back to some of his old attitude issues and I have to check him. He always apologizes and fixes, but I make it a point to let him know that the days of me accepting all of his bullshit are over.
We've been spending a lot of time together and it's nice because we enjoy each others company again. We have an understanding and the motivation to keep our relationship strong is definitely there. We're both very committed. It feels good.
The only thing that's stressing me out is work. I'm in a battle with my managers who want to work me to death and not pay me. I've been at the same job for almost 15 years and they know how hard I work. If they do not show me how valuable they keep telling me I am I may have to leave. I know the economy is terrible right now but I cannot allow myself to be taken advantage of.
I have really missed blogging. Life has just been really busy. I have to honor my committment to this blog because it is what helped me get through a difficult time in my life. Blogging about what was going on, and receiving advice and comments from other bloggers, really helped me to step back and take a look at what was going on in my life. Things aren't perfect, but they are definitely much better.
It feels great to feel as though I can look to the future without the mistakes of the past clouding my every memory and thought. My husband is a new man and is no longer a dead man walking. The trust is not 100% but we both know it's going to take time. Going to marriage counseling was a big step, but we both know we have a lot of work to do.